UPJOKE
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Barista Jokes

A guy walks into a Starbucks and says to the barista “If I make you laugh, I get free coffee.”

The barista, feeling generous, says “Sure, if you make me laugh, your coffee’s on me!”

The guy says “Ok, this one’s hilarious: What did Timmy want for his birthday?”

The barista says “I don’t know, what did he want?”

“Parents.”

There was dead silence from the barista.
...
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A barista was accused of stealing coffee beans by his boss.

However, when they looked into the case, they found that there were no grounds to press charges.
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I made a Starbucks barista cry

I put my name down as Dad and he stood there calling it over and over again with no reply.
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Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an em...
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Did you hear about the Israeli barista?

He brews
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Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
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This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.

I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".

I didn't bother leaving a tip.
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Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.
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Did you hear about the barista that ran the comedy club?

Every night was a real brouhaha!
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A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?"

And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."
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A customer walks up to a barista at Starbucks

They are not a huge coffee drinker so they ask the barista “what’s your mildest roast?” The barista thinks about it for a moment and says “you have mediocre ears.”
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My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend
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My grandma just walked into my room with a young barista wearing thick rimmed glasses.

I said, “Who is that?”

Grandma: That’s my hip replacement.
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"Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer. “Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”

“Great. Then I’ll have a refill."
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What kind of coffee served by a sad barista?

A depresso.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I saw a big-breasted bikini barista working in a coffee stand

So I pull into the drive through and order a small coffee, just as an excuse to get a closer look at her 36DD boobs. She hands me the coffee & says "That'll be $9!"



Shocked I asked her why it costs so much. She shrugged & responded "All drink prices are based on cup size."...

What's the difference between a barista and a barrister?

One serves iced coffee and the other one serves just ice
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What is it called when baristas try to unionize?

Grounds for termination
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What does a Jewish barista do at work?

Hebrew.
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Barista: "Would you like Synonym on your Chai latte?"

Customer: "Don't you mean Cinnamon?"

Barista: "It means the same thing, doesn't it?"
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What did the piece of cheese say to the Starbucks barista?

Can we Havarti?
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It's hard to argue with a barista.

They know how to hold their ground.
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My barista makes the worst coffee in town

But I keep going back to him, the legal advice he gives is brilliant.
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What’s the main job of a Jewish barista?

He brew
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What does a barista, a stripper and a middle aged office worker have in common?

When they return to work, they all say "Well, back to the grind."

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.

From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a femal...
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What does a barista wear?

A cap and chinos.
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Most common over the counter medicine for Baristas

Throat lozenges, because they get coffee.
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What happened to the single IT technician when he tried to flirt with a barista at a cafe?

He was unable to make a connection to the server
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A barista, a viking, and a veterinarian are getting dinner together.

The topic of vacation comes up and the barista says, "I don't have a lot saved up, so I think I'm going to stick around town this year and just take it easy."

The viking chimes in, "I'm going to take my ship out with my mates and raid the lands to the south." The other two look a bit shocked....
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I want to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista.

It was a regular French roast.



*edit "went"
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Did you hear about the barista who became really buff?

She's been working on her French Press.
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I don't know why the barista got so angry when I knocked over her container of cash and coins...

The sign said "tip jar"...
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Starbucks Reacts to Covid-19: Baristas to start wearing masks

Our as they call them, coughee filters.
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What does an Italian barista say when they can't remember the letter between N and P?

Affogato.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My barista said he likes my coffee like he likes his women

That motherfucker put his dick in my coffee

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sit down on a chair in front of barista and orders a drink.

While barista was preparing drink, he pulls out a 8-inch man from his pocket who has a small piano, and that small guy starts to play a great tune.

Surprised, the barista asks the man, "Where did you...

When I argued with the barista on how to make my coffee

I got expertly roasted.
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I think this barista with the Juggalo tattoos just pissed in my coffee.

I see pee.

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Two men are having a business meeting in a small coffee shop...

...when a barista approaches and asks them what they'd like. The first man says that he'd like a glass of water. The barista replies "One glass of H2O coming right up." then turns to the second man and asks him what he'd like. The second man replies "I'd like a glass of H2O too, please". The Barista...

The Starbucks in my town just hired a Jewish barista...

He brews.
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Hello, I'd like to introduce you to my friend. He's a Jewish Barista.

Hebrew.
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What do you call male and female Jewish baristas?

Hebrews and Shebrews.
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Heard a coffee barista say "I just wolverine'd this cappuccino."

Everyone looked at him confused. He continued, "I ruined its origin story," before pouring it out to make another.
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What did the Italian barista say when he received a new car for his christmas bonus?

It's a merry car, no?
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My barista told me he wants to major in advertising when he goes to college

I thought it was a great idea, it'll help him sell more coffee.
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It's irritating when students get ahead of themselves...

These days many college students assume that they're doing the job already. That's not how it works, you need to get the certification, or get the job.

Engineering students shouldn't call themselves engineers

Medical students shouldn't call themselves doctors

Law students shoul...
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An anteater walks into a coffee bar ...

... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."

"Why the long clause?" asked the bari...
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So a man walks into a coffee house late in the afternoon and asks for a tall drink with 4 shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk.

The barista looks at him lightly concerned and she says,

Are you sure sir? That’s a latte coffee.
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Roast

Me: Barista, can I have your mildest roast?


Barista: You have medium sized ears.
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I went to a fancy new coffee shop today and ordered a cup

I took a sip and it tasted awful.

“This coffee tastes like mud!”

The barista replied, “well, it’s fresh ground”
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What is it called when....

What is it called when the Starbucks barista cums in your coffee?


>!A Fappucino!<

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A man walks into a coffee shop

And orders a shot of espresso with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. When he receives his order, he's dismayed to find only a shot of espresso.

"Hey!" he asks the barista, "why didn't you add the ice cream?"

"Sorry sir" he says, "affagato."

Jesus walks up to his favorite Starbucks’ counter and politely asks for a grande macchiato.

The barista, puzzled, inquires, “Why the new order?”

“I’ve been stuck on a tall Pike for a while.”




(An original by me.)
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A guy walks into a coffee shop

He orders a coffee. The barista asks him if he'd like milk or cream. He responds "I'm allergic to the protein in milk." The barista replies "No whey?"
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I hired a guy to represent me in court today.

He was very cheap and brought me the best cup of coffee. Unfortunately we lost the case.

He told me next time hire a barrister and not a barista.
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A man was in a cafe

He took one sip of the coffee, and grimaced.

Walking to the barista, he asked why it tasted so bad.

The barista shrugged, and told him "well, it was ground this morning!"
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How do you take your coffee?

**Barista:** How do you take your coffee?

**Customer:** Ferguson Police

**Barista:** Huh?

**Customer:** Black, two shots.
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I Hate Engineer Students

I hate engineer students, they always walk around saying "I'm an engineer" this, or "I'm an engineer" that.

You don't hear a math student say "i'm a mathematician" or an art student say "i'm a barista".
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When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop.

He was known as the pasta barista baby.
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A guy walks into a coffeeshop.

When it’s his turn in line he says, “I’d like a dark roast.”

A gothic barista with thick eyeliner, a flaming skull tattoo, and an eyebrow ring looks at him dead in the eye and in a deadpan voice:

“Your mother is so severely comatose that not even Evanescence can wake her up inside.”
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I think the weirdest thing about being dyslexic

Is the look the barista gives you when you add to the spit jar. Like I’m not the one who put it there, Kenlynn, chill out.
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So an Australian walks ito a cafe and orders coffe

The barista says “want any creamer”

The Australian replies “Just coffee, mate”
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I decided to go to a coffee shop today

The barista behind the counter said that I should try a new but expensive brew of coffee. It was $9 but I decided to try it. I took a sip of the beverage, and almost instantly spat it out.


"Wha... This tastes like mud!" I shouted at the barista.


He turned and smiled. "It shou...
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How do you get your Starbucks in less than a minute?

Tell the barista your name is ‘Fire’. When they call your name, everyone will run outside quickly.
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The Boy who Speaks in Coffee

There was once an Italian boy who was born to a pair of baristas. Unfortunately, he was born with a mental defect which meant that his vocabulary would be formed very early, and would be highly associative. As his parents worked around the clock to support their new son, his vocabulary quickly becam...
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What do male lawyers call a female barrister?

A barista. Because she's only useful for getting coffee.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

An Italian man with spells of amnesia goes into a boutique coffee shop...

The barista asked what he wants, and he replies "Affogato".
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What does a Jewish bartender do?

Hebrew.
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A camel Goes into the coffee shop

The barista, about to add the sugar asks, "one lump or two?"
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TIL about Kopi Luwak, an expensive coffee made from partially digested coffee cherries defecated by the Asian palm civet.

Imagine the barista's face when you go to the coffee shop then ask for a crappuccino.

Something about college has been bothering me

Engineering students are allowed to call themselves engineers, and someone like a computer science student has no trouble using it as a title, but fine art students can't call themselves baristas.
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I stopped off to get some coffee on the way in to work today

I took a sip after paying and walking away from the counter, it tasted terrible.

I turned around and told the barista "hey, this coffee tastes like mud".

She replied "well it should, it was just ground this morning".
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[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...
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A man walks into a coffee shop...

A man walks into a coffee shop and asks

"I'll have a ztsherkmflurgchtrokzykk with two sugars."

Surprised, the barista answers:

"A ztsherkmflurgchtrokzykk with two *what*?!"
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What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common?

Baristas

A blonde walks into Starbucks

A blonde walks into Starbucks one morning and orders a coffee and a breakfast sandwich. She receives her breakfast sandwich from the Barista, finds a table and sits down to eat. While she's eating her breakfast she notices that there is a peel and win game piece on the side of her coffee cup. She...
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A guy is standing in the street shouting out "I am God. I am God."

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help,
Walking up to the guy he asks "What is your name?" "I am God." the guy replies getting agitated..
The social worker says "Calm down. Why don't we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.
As soon as they ...
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My grandma got a hip replacement

My new grandma is a 24 year old barista and an aspiring artist.
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Timmy wakes up in the morning.....

And he feels great! He then gets ready for work and, on the way, he goes to a coffee shop.
The barista tells him: "are you ok? You look terrible".

He replies, "really? But I feel great!" He then continues to work.

He arrives, and his boss asks him, "Are you ok? You look terrible".<...

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