Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.

I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"

I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins.

It just doesn't make cents.

Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?

It suffered from withdrawals.

What does a flasher have in common with a Vietnamese ATM?

They both whip out their dong in public

I just checked my account balance at the ATM

It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles

How much money do you think an ATM have inside it?

80M because it's 80M

Only a bank ATM will charge you $3 to get your money back

Then tell you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed.

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”

Does this qualify for NSFW?

This old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”

Was at the ATM withdrawing money, then a robber tried to rob my balance

I fell.

Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

How did the ATM feel at the end of a busy day?

Withdrawn

A blonde is taking money out of an ATM,

when the blonde behind her in line says, "Ha! Ha! I know your password. It's four asterisks."

The first blonde replies, "Ha! Ha! No it's not. It's 3862."

Did you hear about the girl who accidentally put her donor card in the ATM machine?

It cost her an arm and a leg!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....

So I pushed the fucker over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8621. If this makes it to the front page, odds are it’s someone’s ATM PIN.

Crap.

Why was the ATM upset?

Because it was having withdrawals.

A bloke with one leg is at an ATM

A passerby stops and asks, do you need help mate?

the bloke replies: "Nahh mate cheers jus' checkin me balance"

What do your girlfriend and the ATM have in common?

You either make a deposit into them or withdraw.

A guy with one leg stood before me at the ATM.

After waiting an unusual amount of time and the line behind me growing longer I decided to speak up.

"Everything alright man?"

To which he replied..

" yeah give me a moment just checking my balance"

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

I don't understand ATM machines.

They just don't make cents.

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop a...

The ATM has the shakes...

And other withdrawal symptoms too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Postman is waiting in line for the ATM

A postman is waiting in line to use the ATM, a tall man was standing in front of him.

The Postman takes off his glove, presses his index finger in the mans ear and loudly says "BOOP"

The man turns around, stares down the postman, and turns back around.

The postman did it again, ...

Every ATM I went to today gave me a receipt that said “Not enough funds.”

The bank really needs to get their life together.

I was going to tell you a joke about a hole in the wall that money comes out of ..

But I can't think of one atm.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?

” He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

Our ATMs cannot be hacked due to 2 high security protocols...

1. No cash.
2. Out of service.

Why does Bank of America not have a backspace on the ATM keypad?

Because America is never wrong.

What's the only bank franchise that doesn't have ATMs?

Sperm banks.

An old lady wanted to withdraw money from a bank

This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.

The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men in a desert...

3 men had been crawling through the dry hot desert for 14 days and nights.
They were buggered, had enough.
One of them spotted a tree in the distance. Upon getting closer there was a house.
They jumped up and ran over.
It was the first civilisation they had seen for weeks.
And wh...

So the other day I was standing in a line for an ATM...

There was an old lady there who looked like she had absolutely no clue what she was doing, after a bit of fumbling with the keys, she turned to me and said, "You look like a helpful young lad, Could you help me check my balance."
So I pushed her over.

Heard of the man who banged an ATM?

He came into a lot of money

Did you hear about the dress maker who went to the ATM?

She was electrocuted when she put in her pin.

Two blondes are drawing money from an ATM. One of them says to the other...

I love the sound of money being printed.

Why did the Baker keep going to the ATM?

He kneaded the dough

What do children and ATMs have in common?

If you stare at them for too long, chances are somebody will call the police.

What's the difference between children and ATMs?

A child won't say "Please insert".

Old lady at ATM

Last night I was walking home late at night when I saw an old lady having some trouble at an ATM machine . I approached her and asked could I help her in any way .

She turned around and thanked me before explaining that she simply wanted to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an ATM.

Even worse, he received a penalty for early withdrawal.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Getting really fucking annoyed now!

This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

I know loads of jokes about cash machines.

I just can't think of any ATM.

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

To our American cousins...

Its lift, not elevators.
Cash machine not ATM.
Hospital, not business.

A man walks into a gym and asks the receptionist: “what machine should I use to impress women?”

She responded swiftly (pointing outside the door) saying “The ATM machine, sir...”

Today is my first day at the gym.

I walk in and see a bunch of hot women working out. I walk up to the guy who is running the gym and ask him, " Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies over there?" He smiles at me and says, " Try the ATM Machine in the lobby."

Life on Earth is pretty stressful.

We are all under a lot of pressure atm.

If Time is Money...

Does that means the ATM is A Time Machine?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

I had such a funny joke about a cash machine

but I can't remember it atm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a drugstore asking for viagra...

A man walks into a drugstore asking for viagra,

The pharmacist says he has two kinds, one that costs $20 and one that costs $30

The man asks for the one that costs $30, opens the bottle and pops a pill. He pulls out a credit card to pay and the pharmacist says

“Sorry, we don’t...

21 One-Liners

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.



4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I ...

You are invited to our next AA (Acronym Abusers) meeting!

Please RSVP by the ATM machine with your PIN number!

How can you spot a Canadian

They're the ones that say "Thank You" to the ATM

It's so cold outside...

even the ATM shows minus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are drinking at a bar..

When one turns to the other and says, "well time to head out, my wife told me if I came home so drunk I pissed myself again I'd be in big trouble". His friend says "Here's an idea! Just take a twenty dollar bill from the ATM and when you get home just tell her someone accidentally poured a drink on ...

A man finds a lamp in the sand . . .

He rubs it and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

Now the man is smart, so he knows that the genie will twist his wishes around on him. He's also depressed, so he doesn't mind *too* much if things go really bad. So he decides to se if he can use some reverse psychology on the genie....

A beautiful woman walks into a gym...

Two men inside are working out together when the first asks: "My goodness, that's got to be the most beautiful woman i've ever seen. What machine do i have to work on in order to get a girl like that?" The second replied: "Probably the ATM"

An older guy starts working out at gym with a personal trainer. Soon after, a really fine looking woman came in and started working out.

The older guy looks to his personal trainer, “what machine can I use to impress her?”

“The ATM in the lobby,” the trainer replies.

A man and his ex-wife are in court to fight over the custody of their 2 year old son.

Judge: Mrs. Jones, why do you think you should have custody of your son?

Woman: Your honor, I had to go through extreme pain to gave birth to my son and I breastfed him by myself for 24 months!

Judge: What about you sir? What do you reply to that?

Man: Your honor I only have one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hears voices

One day a man started hearing voices in his head telling him to leave his job and family and go to Vegas. He ignored it at first, but things were stressful at home so the next day when he heard it again, he took it as a sign and left everything behind.

As he approached Vegas, the voice in hi...

I finally found a machine at the gym that lets older guys date younger women who come to work out!

They just installed an ATM in the lobby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women go out to a nightclub to see male dancers

One of the women wants to impress the others, so she pulls out a $10 bill and waves the dancer over. She licks the $10 bill and sticks it to his left buttock Not to be outdone, the second woman pulls out a $20 bill, licks it, and slaps it on the other cheek. The dancer looks down at the third woman...

Where does a Stormtrooper get cash?

The AT-ATM

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