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An old lady at the ATM asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

"Piss poor," I said.

Was at the ATM withdrawing money, then a robber tried to rob my balance

I fell.

There was a one legged man in front of me today at the ATM, he was there for ages.

It turns out he just wanted to check his balance

Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

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8621. If this makes it to the front page, odds are it’s someone’s ATM PIN.

Crap.

To our American cousins...

Its lift, not elevators.
Cash machine not ATM.
Hospital, not business.

How did the ATM feel at the end of a busy day?

Withdrawn

A man walks into a gym and asks the receptionist: “what machine should I use to impress women?”

She responded swiftly (pointing outside the door) saying “The ATM machine, sir...”

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

A bloke with one leg is at an ATM

A passerby stops and asks, do you need help mate?

the bloke replies: "Nahh mate cheers jus' checkin me balance"

What do your girlfriend and the ATM have in common?

You either make a deposit into them or withdraw.

I’m so broke, I went to check my account balance at the ATM...

And it printed me out a coupon for Ramen Noodles

Did you hear about the girl who accidentally put her donor card in the ATM machine?

It cost her an arm and a leg!

A guy with one leg stood before me at the ATM.

After waiting an unusual amount of time and the line behind me growing longer I decided to speak up.

"Everything alright man?"

To which he replied..

" yeah give me a moment just checking my balance"

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

Why was the ATM upset?

Because it was having withdrawals.

Did you hear the local ATM was having issues?

It was having withdrawal symptoms.

Every ATM I went to today gave me a receipt that said “Not enough funds.”

The bank really needs to get their life together.

A blonde is taking money out of an ATM,

when the blonde behind her in line says, "Ha! Ha! I know your password. It's four asterisks."

The first blonde replies, "Ha! Ha! No it's not. It's 3862."

How much money is stored in an ATM?

80M

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

I don't understand ATM machines.

They just don't make cents.

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A Postman is waiting in line for the ATM

A postman is waiting in line to use the ATM, a tall man was standing in front of him.

The Postman takes off his glove, presses his index finger in the mans ear and loudly says "BOOP"

The man turns around, stares down the postman, and turns back around.

The postman did it again, ...

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

What do you call a fat psychic at an ATM?

.....A Four Chin Teller.

Life on Earth is pretty stressful.

We are all under a lot of pressure atm.

Our ATMs cannot be hacked due to 2 high security protocols...

1. No cash.
2. Out of service.

What's the only bank franchise that doesn't have ATMs?

Sperm banks.

What do children and ATMs have in common?

If you stare at them for too long, chances are somebody will call the police.

What's the difference between children and ATMs?

A child won't say "Please insert".

Why does Bank of America not have a backspace on the ATM keypad?

Because America is never wrong.

So the other day I was standing in a line for an ATM...

There was an old lady there who looked like she had absolutely no clue what she was doing, after a bit of fumbling with the keys, she turned to me and said, "You look like a helpful young lad, Could you help me check my balance."
So I pushed her over.

Did you hear about the dress maker who went to the ATM?

She was electrocuted when she put in her pin.

I know loads of jokes about cash machines.

I just can't think of any ATM.

Two blondes are drawing money from an ATM. One of them says to the other...

I love the sound of money being printed.

Heard of the man who banged an ATM?

He came into a lot of money

Have you heard about the ATM that got addicted to money?

I heard it suffered from withdrawls.

Old lady at ATM

Last night I was walking home late at night when I saw an old lady having some trouble at an ATM machine . I approached her and asked could I help her in any way .

She turned around and thanked me before explaining that she simply wanted to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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A man in Tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an ATM.

Even worse, he received a penalty for early withdrawal.

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Getting really fucking annoyed now!

This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".

Which slot has the best odds in Vegas?

The atm.

Today is my first day at the gym.

I walk in and see a bunch of hot women working out. I walk up to the guy who is running the gym and ask him, " Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies over there?" He smiles at me and says, " Try the ATM Machine in the lobby."

You are invited to our next AA (Acronym Abusers) meeting!

Please RSVP by the ATM machine with your PIN number!

An old lady went to a bank...

An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money...

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The tell...

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A man walks into a drugstore asking for viagra...

A man walks into a drugstore asking for viagra,

The pharmacist says he has two kinds, one that costs $20 and one that costs $30

The man asks for the one that costs $30, opens the bottle and pops a pill. He pulls out a credit card to pay and the pharmacist says

“Sorry, we don’t...

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The farmers daughter needs a husband.

Farmer Joe’s daughter Lucy has come of age and is a ravishingly pretty girl. Recognising his daughters raging hormonal moods of late, Farmer Joe puts the word out in town that it’s time to find her a husband.

There is no shortage of guys in town who would love to snap her up and sure enough ...

You Want to hear a joke about cash machines?

Wait a sec... I can't think of one ATM

If Time is Money...

Does that means the ATM is A Time Machine?

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A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

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I am not impressed!

Just been to an atm which said free cash withdrawals absolutely pissed off they removed a £100 from my account

A man finds a lamp in the sand . . .

He rubs it and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

Now the man is smart, so he knows that the genie will twist his wishes around on him. He's also depressed, so he doesn't mind *too* much if things go really bad. So he decides to se if he can use some reverse psychology on the genie....

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the ...

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

A beautiful woman walks into a gym...

Two men inside are working out together when the first asks: "My goodness, that's got to be the most beautiful woman i've ever seen. What machine do i have to work on in order to get a girl like that?" The second replied: "Probably the ATM"

A man and his ex-wife are in court to fight over the custody of their 2 year old son.

Judge: Mrs. Jones, why do you think you should have custody of your son?

Woman: Your honor, I had to go through extreme pain to gave birth to my son and I breastfed him by myself for 24 months!

Judge: What about you sir? What do you reply to that?

Man: Your honor I only have one...

It's so cold outside...

even the ATM shows minus.

21 One-Liners

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.



4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I ...

An older guy starts working out at gym with a personal trainer. Soon after, a really fine looking woman came in and started working out.

The older guy looks to his personal trainer, “what machine can I use to impress her?”

“The ATM in the lobby,” the trainer replies.

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Two men are drinking at a bar..

When one turns to the other and says, "well time to head out, my wife told me if I came home so drunk I pissed myself again I'd be in big trouble". His friend says "Here's an idea! Just take a twenty dollar bill from the ATM and when you get home just tell her someone accidentally poured a drink on ...

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A man hears voices

One day a man started hearing voices in his head telling him to leave his job and family and go to Vegas. He ignored it at first, but things were stressful at home so the next day when he heard it again, he took it as a sign and left everything behind.

As he approached Vegas, the voice in hi...

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Three women go out to a nightclub to see male dancers

One of the women wants to impress the others, so she pulls out a $10 bill and waves the dancer over. She licks the $10 bill and sticks it to his left buttock Not to be outdone, the second woman pulls out a $20 bill, licks it, and slaps it on the other cheek. The dancer looks down at the third woman...

I finally found a machine at the gym that lets older guys date younger women who come to work out!

They just installed an ATM in the lobby.

How can you spot a Canadian

They're the ones that say "Thank You" to the ATM

If time equals money...

are ATM's time machines?

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Environment my ass

A small ATM room having two ACs and 4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment..

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