They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”

A bloke with one leg is at an ATM

A passerby stops and asks, do you need help mate?

the bloke replies: "Nahh mate cheers jus' checkin me balance"

I was at the ATM and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance,

so I shoved her.

I’m so broke, I went to check my account balance at the ATM...

And it printed me out a coupon for Ramen Noodles

Every ATM I went to today gave me a receipt that said “Not enough funds.”

The bank really needs to get their life together.

Did you hear about the girl who accidentally put her donor card in the ATM machine?

It cost her an arm and a leg!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....
So I pushed the fucker over.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

8621. If this makes it to the front page, odds are it’s someone’s ATM PIN.

Crap.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Getting really fucking annoyed now!

This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".

I don't understand ATM machines.

They just don't make cents.

The ATM has the shakes...

And other withdrawal symptoms too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Postman is waiting in line for the ATM

A postman is waiting in line to use the ATM, a tall man was standing in front of him.

The Postman takes off his glove, presses his index finger in the mans ear and loudly says "BOOP"

The man turns around, stares down the postman, and turns back around.

The postman did it again, ...

Today is my first day at the gym.

I walk in and see a bunch of hot women working out. I walk up to the guy who is running the gym and ask him, " Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies over there?" He smiles at me and says, " Try the ATM Machine in the lobby."

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

What do you call a fat psychic at an ATM?

.....A Four Chin Teller.

What do children and ATMs have in common?

If you stare at them for too long, chances are somebody will call the police.

What's the difference between children and ATMs?

A child won't say "Please insert".

Our ATMs cannot be hacked due to 2 high security protocols...

1. No cash.
2. Out of service.

What's the only bank franchise that doesn't have ATMs?

Sperm banks.

So the other day I was standing in a line for an ATM...

There was an old lady there who looked like she had absolutely no clue what she was doing, after a bit of fumbling with the keys, she turned to me and said, "You look like a helpful young lad, Could you help me check my balance."
So I pushed her over.

A blonde is taking money out of an ATM,

when the blonde behind her in line says, "Ha! Ha! I know your password. It's four asterisks."

The first blonde replies, "Ha! Ha! No it's not. It's 3862."

Did you hear about the dress maker who went to the ATM?

She was electrocuted when she put in her pin.

Why does Bank of America not have a backspace on the ATM keypad?

Because America is never wrong.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men are drinking at a bar..

When one turns to the other and says, "well time to head out, my wife told me if I came home so drunk I pissed myself again I'd be in big trouble". His friend says "Here's an idea! Just take a twenty dollar bill from the ATM and when you get home just tell her someone accidentally poured a drink on ...

Have you heard about the ATM that got addicted to money?

I heard it suffered from withdrawls.

Two blondes are drawing money from an ATM. One of them says to the other...

I love the sound of money being printed.

Heard of the man who banged an ATM?

He came into a lot of money

The ATM told me, "Not enough funds in account," when I tried to withdraw.

This ATM needs a bigger account.

Old lady at ATM

Last night I was walking home late at night when I saw an old lady having some trouble at an ATM machine . I approached her and asked could I help her in any way .

She turned around and thanked me before explaining that she simply wanted to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in Tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an ATM.

Even worse, he received a penalty for early withdrawal.

I have hundreds of jokes about cash machines

I just can’t think of one atm

It's so cold outside...

even the ATM shows minus.

I know a few bank jokes

I know a few bank jokes

Idk any good ones atm

If Time is Money...

Does that means the ATM is A Time Machine?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rich man on vacation goes to a casino and loses 10,000 dollars.

It starts raining, so the rich man needs to get to the hotel fast. He sees a taxi and says to the driver "How much to get to the sunny beach hotel?"

"10 bucks" the cab driver says.

"I don't have any money on me right now, but I have millions in the bank and if we go to an atm..."
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

A man finds a lamp in the sand . . .

He rubs it and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

Now the man is smart, so he knows that the genie will twist his wishes around on him. He's also depressed, so he doesn't mind *too* much if things go really bad. So he decides to se if he can use some reverse psychology on the genie....

A beautiful woman walks into a gym...

Two men inside are working out together when the first asks: "My goodness, that's got to be the most beautiful woman i've ever seen. What machine do i have to work on in order to get a girl like that?" The second replied: "Probably the ATM"

An old lady went to a bank...

An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money...

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The tell...

A man and his ex-wife are in court to fight over the custody of their 2 year old son.

Judge: Mrs. Jones, why do you think you should have custody of your son?

Woman: Your honor, I had to go through extreme pain to gave birth to my son and I breastfed him by myself for 24 months!

Judge: What about you sir? What do you reply to that?

Man: Your honor I only have one...

An older guy starts working out at gym with a personal trainer. Soon after, a really fine looking woman came in and started working out.

The older guy looks to his personal trainer, “what machine can I use to impress her?”

“The ATM in the lobby,” the trainer replies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three women go out to a nightclub to see male dancers

One of the women wants to impress the others, so she pulls out a $10 bill and waves the dancer over. She licks the $10 bill and sticks it to his left buttock Not to be outdone, the second woman pulls out a $20 bill, licks it, and slaps it on the other cheek. The dancer looks down at the third woman...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man hears voices

One day a man started hearing voices in his head telling him to leave his job and family and go to Vegas. He ignored it at first, but things were stressful at home so the next day when he heard it again, he took it as a sign and left everything behind.

As he approached Vegas, the voice in hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Environment my ass

A small ATM room having two ACs and 4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment..

I finally found a machine at the gym that lets older guys date younger women who come to work out!

They just installed an ATM in the lobby.

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the ...

If time equals money...

are ATM's time machines?

21 One-Liners

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.



4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I ...

Donald Trump is sitting at the bar (I changed the title, rest is the same)

Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

No matter how quick you pull out..

..the ATM machine always beeps.

I`m not getting any younger so.....

I decided to get in shape by going to the local gym. I said to the trainer "Which machine should I use for best results in attracting women." He said "There`s one outside never fails, it`s called an ATM."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Night out at the casino

So this one night I go out to the casino, I feel it's gonna be my lucky day today. I get to the ATM, take up all my motherfucking money (I'm poor so it's like 1000 Euro's). And I proceed to pimp-walk into the casino. I go hard, I'm up like 10K at one point, but even though I got swagger like Mick Ja...

How can you spot a Canadian

They're the ones that say "Thank You" to the ATM

Divorce custody

A couples divorce proceedings are in progress, and the case of who gets custody of their 4 year old child gets raised.

The mother pleads her case: "I'm the mother, I carried her for 9 months so of course she should stay with me."

The father responds: "if I go to an ATM machine, and I i...

Gym Joke

A guy who newly joined a gym asked the instructor which was the best machine in the gym which will make him attractive to girls.

The instructor replied,"the atm"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few one liners from over the years

If you can't be kind, at least be vague

Before the invented baseballs, how did they measure hail

Rehab is for quitters

If you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't go to yours

I've got three wonderful children. 60% isn't too bad

If your not part of t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Male stripper

The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man's wife is going to kick him out of the house for drinking too much.

Joe and his friends frequent one bar in town a lot and his wife hates it. She thinks he drinks entirely too much and it is causing a problem in their marriage . After one particularly long bender Joe ends up puking all over himself before he stumbles back home.


Joe wakes up to his wife sc...

Doctor Machine

A man was reading the news paper when he saw an add for a machine that can diagnose anything just by analyzing a vial of pee. His curiosity piqued, the man brought a vial of pee downtown and found the machine, which looked something like an ATM.

After inserting $20 and the vial of pee, the ma...