How did the ATM feel at the end of a busy day?

Withdrawn

How much money is stored in an ATM?

80M

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

What do your girlfriend and the ATM have in common?

You either make a deposit into them or withdraw.

A guy with one leg stood before me at the ATM.

After waiting an unusual amount of time and the line behind me growing longer I decided to speak up.

"Everything alright man?"

To which he replied..

" yeah give me a moment just checking my balance"

Did you hear the local ATM was having issues?

It was having withdrawal symptoms.

Why was the ATM upset?

Because it was having withdrawals.

A bloke with one leg is at an ATM

A passerby stops and asks, do you need help mate?

the bloke replies: "Nahh mate cheers jus' checkin me balance"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8621. If this makes it to the front page, odds are it’s someone’s ATM PIN.

Crap.

I’m so broke, I went to check my account balance at the ATM...

And it printed me out a coupon for Ramen Noodles

Did you hear about the girl who accidentally put her donor card in the ATM machine?

It cost her an arm and a leg!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....
So I pushed the fucker over.

I don't understand ATM machines.

They just don't make cents.

Which slot has the best odds in Vegas?

The atm.

Every ATM I went to today gave me a receipt that said “Not enough funds.”

The bank really needs to get their life together.

A blonde is taking money out of an ATM,

when the blonde behind her in line says, "Ha! Ha! I know your password. It's four asterisks."

The first blonde replies, "Ha! Ha! No it's not. It's 3862."

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Postman is waiting in line for the ATM

A postman is waiting in line to use the ATM, a tall man was standing in front of him.

The Postman takes off his glove, presses his index finger in the mans ear and loudly says "BOOP"

The man turns around, stares down the postman, and turns back around.

The postman did it again, ...

What do you call a fat psychic at an ATM?

.....A Four Chin Teller.

Our ATMs cannot be hacked due to 2 high security protocols...

1. No cash.
2. Out of service.

You are invited to our next AA (Acronym Abusers) meeting!

Please RSVP by the ATM machine with your PIN number!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The farmers daughter needs a husband.

Farmer Joe’s daughter Lucy has come of age and is a ravishingly pretty girl. Recognising his daughters raging hormonal moods of late, Farmer Joe puts the word out in town that it’s time to find her a husband.

There is no shortage of guys in town who would love to snap her up and sure enough ...

What do children and ATMs have in common?

If you stare at them for too long, chances are somebody will call the police.

What's the difference between children and ATMs?

A child won't say "Please insert".

What's the only bank franchise that doesn't have ATMs?

Sperm banks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a drugstore asking for viagra...

A man walks into a drugstore asking for viagra,

The pharmacist says he has two kinds, one that costs $20 and one that costs $30

The man asks for the one that costs $30, opens the bottle and pops a pill. He pulls out a credit card to pay and the pharmacist says

“Sorry, we don’t...

Did you hear about the dress maker who went to the ATM?

She was electrocuted when she put in her pin.

Why does Bank of America not have a backspace on the ATM keypad?

Because America is never wrong.

So the other day I was standing in a line for an ATM...

There was an old lady there who looked like she had absolutely no clue what she was doing, after a bit of fumbling with the keys, she turned to me and said, "You look like a helpful young lad, Could you help me check my balance."
So I pushed her over.

You Want to hear a joke about cash machines?

Wait a sec... I can't think of one ATM

Two blondes are drawing money from an ATM. One of them says to the other...

I love the sound of money being printed.

Have you heard about the ATM that got addicted to money?

I heard it suffered from withdrawls.

Heard of the man who banged an ATM?

He came into a lot of money

CATHOLIC HORSES

A bloke was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one
of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the hors...

A man walks into a gym and asks the personal trainer which machine will make him most attractive to women..

The instructor points to the back of the gym " The ATM machine"

Old lady at ATM

Last night I was walking home late at night when I saw an old lady having some trouble at an ATM machine . I approached her and asked could I help her in any way .

She turned around and thanked me before explaining that she simply wanted to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

I'm so irritated

This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that has 'insufficient funds'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an ATM.

Even worse, he received a penalty for early withdrawal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male stripper

The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife is going to kick him out of the house for drinking too much.

Joe and his friends frequent one bar in town a lot and his wife hates it. She thinks he drinks entirely too much and it is causing a problem in their marriage . After one particularly long bender Joe ends up puking all over himself before he stumbles back home.


Joe wakes up to his wife sc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

How can you spot a Canadian

They're the ones that say "Thank You" to the ATM

Doctor Machine

A man was reading the news paper when he saw an add for a machine that can diagnose anything just by analyzing a vial of pee. His curiosity piqued, the man brought a vial of pee downtown and found the machine, which looked something like an ATM.

After inserting $20 and the vial of pee, the ma...

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