UPJOKE
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I just checked my account balance at the ATM

It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

A blonde is taking money out of an ATM,

when the blonde behind her in line says, "Ha! Ha! I know your password. It's four asterisks."

The first blonde replies, "Ha! Ha! No it's not. It's 3862."

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.

I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins.

It just doesn't make cents.

What do ATMs and rehab patients have in common?

Withdrawals.

Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.

I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"

What does a flasher have in common with a Vietnamese ATM?

They both whip out their dong in public

A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.

After an hour he loses his patience and yells 'Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'

30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'

If time is money, is an ATM a time machine?

I saw this in a magazine and wanted to share it with the world

How much money do you think an ATM have inside it?

80M because it's 80M

Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?

It suffered from withdrawals.

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Long queue at the ATM..

I was queuing for ages earlier at an ATM. The queue wasn't moving and no one was saying anything. I said fuck this I'm going up to see what the fuck is goin on. So there's this clown at the top of the queue at the cash machine with his arms outstretched as if he's on a tightrope swaying from side to...

I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

Banks need to be better at restocking these ATMs at Xmas….

This is the 5 th one I have been to that said insufficient funds

Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

A bloke with one leg is at an ATM

A passerby stops and asks, do you need help mate?

the bloke replies: "Nahh mate cheers jus' checkin me balance"

Did you hear about the girl who accidentally put her donor card in the ATM machine?

It cost her an arm and a leg!

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I just saw a guy masturbating into an ATM.

Looks like he came into some money.

I don't understand ATM machines.

They just don't make cents.

The ATM has the shakes...

And other withdrawal symptoms too.

Only a bank ATM will charge you $3 to get your money back

Then tell you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed.

Was at the ATM withdrawing money, then a robber tried to rob my balance

I fell.

How did the ATM feel at the end of a busy day?

Withdrawn

What do your girlfriend and the ATM have in common?

You either make a deposit into them or withdraw.

Why was the ATM upset?

Because it was having withdrawals.

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Getting really fucking annoyed now!

This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".

A guy with one leg stood before me at the ATM.

After waiting an unusual amount of time and the line behind me growing longer I decided to speak up.

"Everything alright man?"

To which he replied..

" yeah give me a moment just checking my balance"

Old lady at ATM

Last night I was walking home late at night when I saw an old lady having some trouble at an ATM machine . I approached her and asked could I help her in any way .

She turned around and thanked me before explaining that she simply wanted to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

What's the only bank franchise that doesn't have ATMs?

Sperm banks.

Why did the Baker keep going to the ATM?

He kneaded the dough

Every ATM I went to today gave me a receipt that said “Not enough funds.”

The bank really needs to get their life together.

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A Postman is waiting in line for the ATM

A postman is waiting in line to use the ATM, a tall man was standing in front of him.

The Postman takes off his glove, presses his index finger in the mans ear and loudly says "BOOP"

The man turns around, stares down the postman, and turns back around.

The postman did it again, ...

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8621. If this makes it to the front page, odds are it’s someone’s ATM PIN.

Crap.

What do children and ATMs have in common?

If you stare at them for too long, chances are somebody will call the police.

What's the difference between children and ATMs?

A child won't say "Please insert".

Our ATMs cannot be hacked due to 2 high security protocols...

1. No cash.
2. Out of service.

So the other day I was standing in a line for an ATM...

There was an old lady there who looked like she had absolutely no clue what she was doing, after a bit of fumbling with the keys, she turned to me and said, "You look like a helpful young lad, Could you help me check my balance."
So I pushed her over.

Heard of the man who banged an ATM?

He came into a lot of money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller...

"Can I please withdraw $10 from my account?" while handing over her debit card.

The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady "Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10."

The old lady then says "Okay, then I want to withdraw $10k from my account."...

Why does Bank of America not have a backspace on the ATM keypad?

Because America is never wrong.

Two blondes are drawing money from an ATM. One of them says to the other...

I love the sound of money being printed.

How can you spot a Canadian

They're the ones that say "Thank You" to the ATM

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A man in Tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an ATM.

Even worse, he received a penalty for early withdrawal.

I really want to tell a joke about cash machines

But I don't have one atm

A comment made in retort to my wife this morning made her laugh through the day

Not really a joke, but see if you people think its funny.

We got a young puppy atm and myself an wife usually get up at same time early each morning to sort her out. As she hasn't seen us for a few hours as she sleeps downstairs with cats, she gets excited and clingy first thing, so one of u...

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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club....

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks...

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A 25 y.o. goes to her therapist...

Patient: "Doctor, I feel so bad lately, since I got my first raise at work, I can't stop taking cash outta my bank account and then go buy a bunch of useless stuff...

Doctor: "Hmm, can you describe more precisely how you are feeling?"

Patient: "Well, I get such a high when I take the m...

At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

A man walks into the casino and asks a security guard which machine people get the most money from

The guard points to the ATM machine.

Does this qualify for NSFW?

This old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”

To our American cousins...

Its lift, not elevators.
Cash machine not ATM.
Hospital, not business.

If time is money...

... ATM's are Time Machines.

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I've been telling girls that recently I came into a lot of money

Jerking off onto an ATM doesn't have the same ring to it

Bank Code

Kevin was withdrawing money from an ATM.

A person, who was just behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! I've seen your password. Its 4 asterisks!


Kevin replies, "Ha! Ha! Ha! You are wrong. Its 1258."

I was going to tell you a joke about a hole in the wall that money comes out of ..

But I can't think of one atm.

A man walks into a gym and asks the receptionist: “what machine should I use to impress women?”

She responded swiftly (pointing outside the door) saying “The ATM machine, sir...”

I had such a funny joke about a cash machine

but I can't remember it atm

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

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Slots

A woman is on vacation in Las Vegas, playing the slot machines. It's her first time in a casino, so she asks a casino employee, "How does this work?" The worker shows her how to insert a bill, how to hit the spin button, and to operate the machine's release handle. "And where does the money come out...

I know loads of jokes about cash machines

I just can't think of one atm.

Life on Earth is pretty stressful.

We are all under a lot of pressure atm.

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop a...

You are invited to our next AA (Acronym Abusers) meeting!

Please RSVP by the ATM machine with your PIN number!

An old lady went to a bank...

An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money...

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The tell...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

It's so cold outside...

even the ATM shows minus.

I know a few bank jokes

I know a few bank jokes

Idk any good ones atm

An older guy starts working out at gym with a personal trainer. Soon after, a really fine looking woman came in and started working out.

The older guy looks to his personal trainer, “what machine can I use to impress her?”

“The ATM in the lobby,” the trainer replies.

I finally found a machine at the gym that lets older guys date younger women who come to work out!

They just installed an ATM in the lobby.

Where does a Stormtrooper get cash?

The AT-ATM

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