An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he spots a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs...

My nanny once told me of an emotionally distant but insecure yogi who fell ill and subsequently developed bad breath.

It was a super callous fragile mystic down with halitosis.

Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didn't catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

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Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead... (Long)

A blonde, brunette, and redhead construction workers are sitting and eating their lunches. Upon opening their lunchboxes, each sighs.

"Ham and cheese again?" Says the brunette "if I have to eat one more ham and cheese sandwich, I'll kill myself!"

"Turkey again?" Says the redhead "if ...

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

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The family history of Jack Schitt

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" So, I just researched about his family history for y'all.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Sch...

Trust A Fellow Officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, wh...

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Why do men check out women's rear?

Historically, men at sea were trapped and killed by Mermaids who attracted them using their upper body beauty. Soon, the word was spread among all the sailors/pirates and subsequently to the whole world to check out women's rear to save yourself from murderous mermaids.

Thank you for coming t...

3 Women goto Heaven where they’re addressed by St Peter

He says “we have 1 major rule here in heaven, there are a lot of Turkeys up here. Do not step on the Turkeys there will be consequences “

Accepting this rule the women nod their heads and go on into heaven. About 5 days later the first of the 3 women step on a Turkey. She is immediately calle...

The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful".

...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

Third time is the charm.

A grocery store opened early for senior citizens. A long, orderly line began to form. Suddenly a young man tried to cut in line and was subsequently beaten by an old woman with a cane and chased back to his car. A few minutes later the young man tried it again only this time he was punched in the st...

This is the story of Easter

While travelling throughout Jerusalem, President Trump suddenly gets a heart attack and subsequently dies. De undertaker tells the american diplomats and bodyguards that accompanied him this: "You could have him sent home for $50000 or you could bury him here in the holy land, after currency exchang...

Statistician on a plane

A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane. "How come you ...

A man is driving to a big city

But he has to go through a desert. His car beaks down on the way and he realizes there is now way for him to fix it. He starts to walk when he sees a snake rise out of a hole. The snake speaks to him.

“I see you are tired. I will grant you three wishes. The first is free, but the second come...

Motel insurance scam (x-post /r/Unexpected)

A few years ago, I lived in a small rural town in southwestern Texas, near the border with Mexico. My town had a few rich people living in it, and among these was my neighbor. He was a doctor, and also owned a little motel called the Spanish Inn. It was a nice place, and the doctor enjoyed keeping u...

There was this really hot guy on the beach when I was in Mexico, so I brought him some Jewish bread.

He gave me a weird look, subsequently turned me down...and I don't understand *why.*

*I just wanted to challah at a Playa.*



^I'm ^sorry

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Two Amish men want to sell part of their brood of chickens

So, they decide to make their way to the market in the center of a large town nearby.

The younger of the two men has never been outside their small community, and is subsequently very excited and also quite nervous.

Rather than taking a full horse and buggy, they decide to ride a don...

/r/Jokes, a public service announcement: search the punchline before you post your joke.

Often times, when a joke hits the top of this sub, it gets passed around and subsequently reposted many times in a short period. It can be difficult searching for the joke, since everyone uses different titles, but the search function not only searches titles but the content of posts as well. If you...

A man walks into a bar

And subsequently loses the hurdles race in the Olympics, bringing shame to himself and his country

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A group of sick minded friends and a cow.

A group of friends are on a beef farm and are bored and looking for something too do. The sick minded one of the group (there's always one) suggets that they should see if they can plug a cows arse. Being a group of sick fuckers, they all think it's a great idea. They go ahead and put a cork up one ...

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Golf Truisims

* Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

* Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during
your swing.

* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use
one more club or two more balls.

* If you're afraid a ful...

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Two Blondes in Heaven [Fixed]

The Version as I know it.

Three men are standing outside the pearly gates and out comes St Peter.

"Sorry Guys, but Heavens pretty full today, so I can only let one of you in. So for this reason, who ever of you had the worst death gets to come on in."

So the first guy steps for...

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3 POW were being held in a British camp

3 POW were being held in a British camp; a German, a Japanese man, and an Italian. The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be s...

One day, a man ran through Red Square in Moscow, shouting at the top of his lungs, "Khrushchev is a fool!"

He was subsequently arrested for revealing state secrets.

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NEW OFFICE POLICY 2013 Dress Code

ALL EMPLOYEES

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manag...

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