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Rot Jokes

Throw your rotting pumpkins at pretty people.

It is a sure way of calling them Gourdeous.

I saw a rotting parrot carcass the other day.

It was kinda macawbre.

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A buzzard gets on a plane with a rotting rabbit carcass.

The flight attendant says "You can't bring that dead animal on the plane."

The buzzard replies "It's OK. That just my carrion."

What was the rallying cry of the trio of rotting leaves?

d'three of us matter!

Two corpses are lying in a grave and one turns to the other and says,”Dude, why are you rotting?”

The other turns to him and says, “I decay.”

What did Matthew McConaughey say when he was turned into a zombie?

Yes, of course:

"I'll rot, I'll rot, I'll rot!"

Happy Halloween!

The Divorce Settlement

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background musi...

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A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."



The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."


"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.


"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

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A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle...

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll...

What does a rotting corpse say?

idk

I was on a plane, sat next to a man, who had a large rucksack full of rotting animal meat.

He said it was his carrion luggage

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Had a raccoon problem in my crawlspace and nothing worked to get rid of them. My neighbor told me to put lutefisk down there and that the rotting odor would keep them away....

A week later a Norwegian family moved in.

I can build and fix small engines using only vomit, feces and rotted animals.

Due to my gross motor skills.

I once had a nasty case of crabs. A friend suggested I sprinkle caster sugar on them.

It doesn't kill them, but it does rot their teeth.

The Thane Of Cawdor’s (Scottish equiv. Of Earl) castle is protected by high stone walls. The weak point is the old wooden drawbridge, which is showing the first small signs of rot in some areas.

The smartest men in the castle assemble to advise the king, but all of their solutions involve paying for a brand new drawbridge, which the Scottish Thane is not a fan of.

“Oh, the cost!” He cried, “isn’t there anyone in the kingdom who has a better, cheaper idea for protecting the wood of ...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

A botfly larva walks into a bar

The barman asks what he can get him. "A shot of whiskey and a piece of rotting meat please". The barman pours the shot, then says "Do you really want a piece of rotting meat?" "Want? I encyst on it!"

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A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him. "To become a good pathologist you need to lear...

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

Lawyer and the devil

So a young lawyer is sitting in his office when the devil appears in front of him.

"I've got an offer for you" the devil explains

"Go on...." Says the young lawyer

"Well from here out your practice will grow 10 fold, your partners will all respect you, your clients will all lov...

What do you get when you cross a bunny with a rottweiler?

A rottweiler.

When I die I’m leaving my body to “Toys For Tots”.

I think children all over the world will behave a whole lot better if they knew that if they were bad Santa might bring them a rotting corpse for Christmas.

What’s Orange and Lies Constantly?

A rotting clementine, but I like where your head’s at.

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My favorite sex position is called the USA.

It's where I get fucked by a bunch of rich folks and then left to rot afterwards.

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Little Tony was sitting on a park bench

munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.

Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years ...

Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!

Mechanic said it could be car rot.

(I remain optimistic that one day reddit will like one of my dad jokes)

A man and his falcon are arrested for attempting an armed robbery

It seems like it'll be a couple of months before the pair can be tried in court, so it's up to the police to deal with them in the meantime. After much debate, they come to a decision, and the next morning an officer comes to the county jail and gestures for the man to follow him. The officer explai...

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Guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a challenge where if you complete these 3 steps you win 100 million dollars".

The guy says "oh cool, I'll enter, what are the steps?"

So the bartender describes what the guy must do. "The first step is to down a fifth in under 10 seconds".

*Not that bad* the guy thinks.

"Second," the bartender says, "you have to go into that room in the back. In the room...

Life is like a box of chocolates

The people who you don't like rot in the cupboard

The Carpenter

There once was a man named Poly Van Echt. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. The king came to him during a particularly rainy season, a...

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[NSFL] The sickest joke I've ever heard.

I warned every one.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He claims the bartender that he could eat literally anything without throwing up for $100. So the bartender pulls a rotted old sausage out of the garage, and the grabs it and eats it up. "Okay, double or nothing, what do you suggest" ...

Which vegetable causes cars to die quickly?

*Car***rot**

**Haha!**

My young son asked me what happens when we die. I told him that we all burn in hell forever.

I was going to tell him the truth, that we rot in the ground and get eaten by worms, but I didn't want to upset him.

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You go hiking with your best friend Terry. Both of you get lost, and Terry is mauled to death by a bear.

You bury Terry in a shallow grave and try to find your way back to civilization. However you end up walking in circles and days later, you find yourself at the exact same spot.

By this time, you've exhausted your supply of water and are severely dehydrated. Then you realize that Terry was ...

A hyena walks up to the check in counter in an airport...

... and throws a rotting gazelle onto the desk. The counter person shouts "what is this?" and the hyena says "it's my carrion".

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Two economists are walking in the woods...

Two economists are walking in the woods when they encounter a rotting deer carcass.


One economist turns to the other and says, "I bet you $4000 you won't sniff that carcass."

The other economist isn't going to turn down $4000 so he leans over and sniffs it. Then he turns to the fi...

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Vietnam veteran comes back from a tour of duty...

only to find out he has some kind of exotic STD. his dick burns when he pisses and has lumps and bumps on it that are red, green, blue and purple. He goes to the V.A. hospital and the doctor says he's never seen anything like it, but he's pretty sure he's going to have to amputate.

"Fuck tha...

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer.

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require ...

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A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

Why is rust on a car orange?

Because its true car-rot

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Three friends explore a cave

While in the cave, the friends find a genie’s lamp. Of course, as anyone in this situation would do, they excitedly rub the lamp. The genie of the lamp pours forth in a cloud of magical smoke.


The genie begins his spiel: “Gentlemen, for summoning me forth from the lamp, I shall give each...

Old zombies never die...

they just rot away.

Cleaning out my fridge in 2015

I smelled something gross and it it was coming from my fridge. I looked and there was a rotting orange. "I bet it would be funny if I put googly eyes and doll hands on it" I say to myself and I forgot about it for a year. Next thing I know I see it on the news with them saying it won the election! W...

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

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Al Capone summons a man he lent money to

Al Capone gets his thugs to bring a man to him who has stolen $50,000 from him. Unfortunately the man speaks a language Al Capone, nor his thugs understand so they have to get a translator.

Al Capone tells the translator, 'ask him where the money is'
'Where is the money' the translator say...

Buzzards on a plane

Two buzzards were at the check in counter at their local airport answering the usual questions. The desk agent finally noticed the piece of rotting gazelle they had brought with them.

"Are you going to check that?" the agent asks.

"No. That's my carrion."

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

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A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child.

A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child. A boy, who grows to have his father's passion for art. One day when the boy is coming of age they have a big argument and the young man leaves his father's house to go out on his own. He is gone for many years.

During tha...

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in f...

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Say it with potatos

Well, there are a lot of reasons. I mean, roses only last like a couple weeks
and that's if you leave them in water. Also they really only exist to be pretty. That's like saying "my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance", but a potato! Potatos last for fucking ever. In fa...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating...

...when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have l...

Two old soldiers are reflecting during a visit to the town where they grew up.

The first soldier had had both arms amputated at the elbow following after the war, and the second both legs at the knee.

After a while of gazing upon old buildings and storefronts, the men come across a statue in the town park; the statue shows signs of age and neglect.

The second rem...

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Little Ralphie

Little Ralphie sat on a park bench and pulled out a candy bar. Soon an older gentleman also sat on the bench and began to read his paper. He couldn't help but notice that Ralphie kept eating candy bars. No sooner did he finish with one than he got another and scarfed it down. He had put away fiv...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

A man walked out of a barbershop and saw a little boy sitting on the curb.

The man watched as the little boy ate three candy bars in a row, only pausing to unwrap the next one.

The man says to the boy "Don't you know eating all that candy that fast is going to give you a belly ache and make your teeth rot out?"

The little boy looked up at the man and said "My...

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

An Italian man travels to the Caribbean

An Italian man saved up his money and after many years he finally had enough money to attain his lifelong dream, traveling to the tropics of Central America. He explored many different towns and beaches as he traveled around the beautiful land. But in one place he found a beach that was disgusting a...

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

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A soldier comes back from Vietnam...

And finds out he caught some kind of bad crotch-rot from one of the hookers. His dick is changing colors; red, purple, green, so he goes to the VA to get it looked at.

The first doctor sees it and immediately says "I've never seen anything like that, I think we're going to have to amputate".<...

Squirrels in the attic

As told to me by a patient today:

A small church out in the country developed a problem when squirrels moved into the attic. They were chewing holes in the insulation and building nests, rotting the soffits and making a lot of noise and generally being a nuisance. The people didn't quite kn...

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one night, 2 necrophiliacs go to a cemetery...

they start digging up graves and pulling bodies out of caskets. They eventually have 12 bodies plus parts of several others. Then they go to town. They start fucking skulls, tearing holes into stomachs and fucking those. One guy rips a dick off of a corpse and sucks on it for a while. This horr...

My dad's Gandhi joke

How much do you know about Gandhi?

He would go on hunger strikes, so he was a pretty skinny guy to begin with. But one time, he walked all the way from the interior of India to the coast to pick up salt from the seaside. He was protesting something to do with British taxes, I can't remember t...

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A Texas Man Moves To Alaska

So a Texas man moves to Alaska to find more oil for his company to drill. Here gets bored one night and goes to a local bar. The man sees "Impossible Challenge: Free beer for life for the winner!", out of curiosity he asks the bartender about it. "Hey bartender, what's the challenge?" The man asked....

Three men had just died...

...and went to Hell. Lucifer happily gives them a tour before stopping beside a row of three doors. At the first door, the Devil bade the first person to enter, whilst asking, "If you had one wish for anything in the world, what would it be?" The first man immediately blurted, "I want an endless sup...

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Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but ...

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Billy the Tree

Billy the tree aces his SATs at Forest High and ends up with a full college scholarship. The day arrives for him to move halfway across the state. The older trees wish him luck, and they make him promise to write. They wave and cheer as he packs his trunk and leaves.

He arrives at his college...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

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a group of friends go on their annual hunting trip

Every year a group of friends get together for a few days during deer season. They take turns bringing their favorite chili and try to outdo each other with the hottest chili. They all arrive this year and start their annual beer/nasty chili celebration prior to going hunting early the next morning....

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Three men were travelling through the desert

Three men- A white man, a black man, and an Indian man- were travelling through the desert with a camel. Suddenly, the camel dies. As the body begins to quickly deteriorate in the desert sun, they drag it into a nearby cave.

After discussing their options, they realize that they only have ...

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A bad smell follows the bastard

A woman came home from work one day, and her husband of fifteen years had a rather dramatic message for her: he wanted a divorce.

Understandably, she was quite devastated by the news, and to make matters worse he demanded she move out of their home before the end of the month. He offered her ...

In the days of old the River Thames was once plagued with a giant wyrm.

The dread creature preyed upon any who used or went near the river, and many lives were lost, and eventually the call went out for a brave knight to slay the vile creature. It soon became apparent that this was no task for a common knight, but only the holiest and most dedicated - a living saint....

1008 AD - A tall knight is summoned by his lord...

On the way to the lord's castle, the knight, one Sir Richard of River's Bank is surprised to see that the fields are empty, and the serfs are nowhere in sight. When he arrives, he asks his lord if the summons has anything to do with the absence of the workers in the field, and his lord replies that...

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The other day, I died and went to hell...

(Note: replace the name 'Jim' with the name of someone in the group that you're telling this joke to)

The other day Jim and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells...

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Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

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Topical Jokes (5/14)

Folks, folks. What a day! There are some good jokes out there to be had. Let's take a gander, shall we?

There's already some news out of the presidential election front...

Some are reporting Gov. Christie is losing weight just so he can make a run in 2016. Not to be outdone, Sen. Rubio...

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