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Breaks Jokes

Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate…

It’s usually of the tectonic variety.

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding...

Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.

They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?".

Jimmy speaks...

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to rep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening.

They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the...

An escaped convict breaks into a couple’s home

The couple is being held at gunpoint in their kitchen when the convict grabs the wife and whispers intently in her ear before letting her go.
The husband pulls her in close and says to her “look, this man has been locked up for who knows how long, hasn’t seen a woman in years. Maybe just let him ...

A psychopath breaks into a house

In bedroom, he finds a husband and wife sleeping. He grabs his knife, wakes them up and gets the knife close to wife's neck.

"What is your name", he asks her.

"Anna", she replies while shaking with fear.

"That was my mother's name", says the psychopath, "I will not kill you then...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road

The driver discovers he has no service and can't call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him. "Hey man, having car trouble?" The driver asks. "I'm afraid so." The driver of the Fiat answers. "Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I'll tow you to the nearest garage!"...

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, b...

A burglar breaks into a house

He was stealing anything he could get his hands on, then he heard a voice. It said, “Jesus is watching you” thinking it’s in his head, he continues on his business, Then he hears it again, “Jesus is watching you” The burglar not very religious but still scared says, “Who are you?” Then he flipped on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A burglar breaks into a home

While he's putting things in his bag the door opens. A very old lady stands there with a shotgun.

"Are you here to... violate me?"

The burglar sees the shotgun and timidly responds: "oh no... Of course not... I..."

The old lady cocks the gun: "Oh yes, you are!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hindu, a Jew and a lawyer are traveling, taking a scenic route through the country when their car breaks down...

It's too late in the day to call a tow truck, so they walk up the road to a small farmhouse to ask for help.

They knock on the door and the farmer warmly greets them. They explain the situation and he says that he doesn't have he necessary equipment to tow them, but if they would like to sta...

There's a penguin driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down...

Spying a service station, he quickly pulls over and gets out to speak with the mechanic. The man agrees to fix the car, but tells the penguin to wait for an hour or so while he works. To pass the time, the penguin walk next door to a little ice cream shop and has a big ol' vanilla sundae while he ...

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

What bone breaks when you lie too much?

Your fibula.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving his car along a country road when suddenly, it breaks down

He pulls over to the side of the road, pops the bonnet, and starts investigating the problem.

A horse in the field next to him trots over to the fence, looks the car over up and says " your spark plugs are gone, buddy"

The man, thinking he's lost the plot, shakes his head and proceeds ...

A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery.

Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.

Being a man of God, he obviously figures...

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

What happens when a witch breaks the sound barrier?

You hear a sonic broom.

Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.

One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors.

The first man says to the last man: "I'm bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And it makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car d...

What happens when a lamppost breaks?

Sorry, repost

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

...

Who does a racist call when his car breaks down?

Triple K

A man breaks into a home, all the lights are off.

He gets through the window and turns on his flashlight. Out of the dark, a voice says "jesus is watching you"

The thief stops in his tracks, freaks out and turns off the flashlight.

After a few minutes he regains his nerve and starts looking around. When he picked up a CD player to pla...

A penguin's car breaks down...

...and he has it towed to a repair shop. The mechanic tells him that he should have some information in about an hour. The penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street so he wanders over while the mechanic works. He finds the vanilla is the best ice cream he's ever eaten and he eats it with mess...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa Claus breaks down in the hood

So, one Christmas Santa Claus's sleigh broke down in the hood, around a bunch of hookers, and Santa Claus got knocked the fuck out, and the cops rolled up and asked what happened, and the hooker said, ain't nobody gonna be callin me a hoe 3 times

A man breaks into a wealthy persons house

He hears a sobbing noise coming from around the corner so he goes to check what it is. He peeks around the corner to see a body guard sobbing saying "I C c can't believe boss forgot my birthday, I thought he was m my f f friend uhoo hoo" so he turns around and goes the opposite direction desperate t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hobbit breaks into the local zoo

He has sex with a Panda. What do you call the baby?

Half Ling Ling.

A guy breaks up with his girlfriend after becoming blind.

She asks him "why?"

"I can't see you anymore"

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler dies and goes to the gates of hell...

St. Peter is waiting for him, staring at him, judging him.

Hitler breaks the silence and asks:"Where am I?"

A bit frustrated, St. Peter responds:"Hell, Hitler."

Confused, Hitler asks again:"Ja, ja, Heil Hitler, but where am I?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A penguins car breaks down

Okay so this penguins car breaks down in an area hes unfamiliar with


Penguin gets his car towed to the nearest shop. He asks the mechanic how long it should take. The mechanic says probably a few hours. The penguin asks if there's anything around he can do while he waits


Now, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

What do you call a monkey that breaks the law?

A Crimeate

A koala bear breaks free from the Central Park Zoo…

He’s walking down the street when he encounters a hooker. The hooker asks, “Hey, looking for a good time?”. The koala nods in agreement and off they go to a hotel.

The two have an intimate time, and when the koala bear is done he starts to head to the door. As he reaches for the door handle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Burglar breaks into a house through the basement.

As he climbs through the window he hears

"Jesus sees you."

Startled, the burglar frantically looks for a light switch and turns on the lights revealing a parrot.

"Jesus sees you and he's angry!" The parrot screeches.

The burglar scoffs and continues to creep upstairs as h...

A burglar breaks into a joint

While going through the owner's belongings a shrill voices goes:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"

Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating its line:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly ...

I was surprised to learn that stepping on a crack really breaks your mama's back and stepping on a line really breaks your father spine

Unfortunately for me, my sister just stepped on a rock

Four students are in the car that breaks down

First student, engineering student, says "This is mechanical problem, there's nothing we can do."

Second student, chemistry student, says "You're wrong, this is clearly reason of faulty gasoline. There's nothing we can do."

Third student, electrical engineering student, says "No, there...

A man is out in the country when his car breaks down.

After a while a group of guys in a pickup stop to check on him. They help get his car started, but then they beat him up, take his clothes and wallet, chain him to a tree, and take off with his car.
He's facing the tree, so he can't see the road, but he hears a car drive up and starts yelling fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman breaks down on the side of a country road...

Along his trip to the big city a businessman's car breaks down on a long stretch of country road. As he exits his car he finds no mechanic shops or gas stations along the road and his phone is out of the service area. Luckily a farmer on a tractor stopped by and offered his support.

Farmer: ...

Lada breaks down on the autobahn...

... Driver gets out only to see someone pull up in a Porsche Cayenne. Cayenne driver asks him does he need a tow. Lada driver replies with a "Yes. I will turn my right blinker on to tell you that you are going too fast." After a few hundred meters, a person in a Lamborghini Urus speeds by.

Po...

If a blind couple breaks up...

would they start hearing other people?

What breaks when you give it to a toddler?

Their hips.

A Russian tank is parked up, just outside Kyiv, as dawn breaks...

The driver sticks his head out, feels the morning cold and says *'Chilly today, isn't it?*'.

To which the commander replies, '*No, we haven't finished here yet*'.

(A recycled 1979 Russian invasion of Afghanistan joke)

A Penguin Farmer Breaks Down

A penguin farmer breaks down on his way to take his penguins to the zoo. A man stops and asks if the farmer needs help. “Yes” he exclaims and offers the man some money to take his penguins to the zoo. The man agrees, hitches the trailer up to his truck, and takes the penguins into town. After about ...

Glass: If someone breaks me, its one year of bad luck

Mirror: Thats nothing. If someone breaks me, its seven years of bad luck.

Condom: hahahaha

Hottest week of the year and my fridge breaks.

Not cool

When 2020 finally breaks us down,

2020 won

So, your schizophrenic lover breaks up with you with a text, it says:

"I've been seeing someone..."

A couple is playing golf, when accidentally the ball flies out of the field and breaks a window of a nearby house

The house looks quite expensive, and the couple is very nervous, wondering how much they have to pay for the window. They knock the door, and a middle aged man opens it.

The husband apologizes: “Good afternoon sir. I and my wife were playing golf here. We didn’t mean it, but we have to apolog...

A man's car breaks down outside a monastery.

The monks take him in and give him dinner--a fantastic dinner, of fish & chips. Best fish & chips he's ever had.

So he goes into the kitchen to compliment the chef. He says to one brother, "Excuse me, are you the fish friar?"

"No," he answers. "I'm the chip monk."

A burglar breaks in a house

As he is looking around he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you!" Panicked he looks around but sees nothing and nobody. He keeps searching for loot when again "Jesus is watching you!" This time he does a better search and finally sees a parrot in a cage. "Did you say that?" he asks "Yes, it was me."...

What happens when a character breaks the fourth wall

The roof comes down.

Three Canadians are driving along, when their car breaks down, leaving them stranded. Who do they call?

Triple eh.

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