How big are water bottles in North Korea?

One supreme liter.

An empty water bottle walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “Go home. You’re drunk.”

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There was a story on the news about a kid who got his dick stuck in a water bottle

Hearing this, my girlfriend said, "I don't understand what all the fuss is about, it can't be that hard to get your dick out of a water bottle. "

So I answered, "That's why you have to wait until it isn't hard anymore."

I opened a water bottle today

I guess you could say I decapitated it.

What do you call someone who switches water bottle brands a lot

An h2hoe

If you work at a water bottle factory

It must be difficult to not drink on the job

A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator

It's not cool man

I sued a guy for copying my idea for a water bottle briefcase

Unfortunately, my case didn't hold water.

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A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle

A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle. The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one. But if he wants to, he can take the cat, which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.

The next day the man goes back to st...

Why did batman fill his freezer with water bottles?

Because he wanted just ice.

A wife was struggling opening a water bottle and asked the husband for help, "Are you turning the cap right?" He asked. "Of course!" she said.

She doesn't understand Lefty is loosey and Righty is tighty

I was filling my water bottle from the freezer door, and an ice cube fell out and slid out of reach

I was about to get angry but then I realized, no, now it’s just water under the fridge

Every wonder why Republicans use two hands when they’re drinking out of a water bottle?

It’s to prevent it from trickling down.

What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty?

A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.

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Today I took the only water bottle that wasn't frozen to class.



Long story short, which one of my friends left a water bottle full of vodka in my car ?

So a water bottle waddles into a furniture store...

before long a sales person notices and goes to greet it. "Can I help you find anything?"
"Well, I'm in need of a new couch. I spilled all over it and its ruined." the bottle crinkled out.
"Well you look like one of our VIP customers let me show you a couch you deserve."
They approached...

What is more difficult than getting an assault rifle in the U.S.?

Getting a water bottle in a Georgia voting line

God approached the Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter stood.

"Well, Peter, it looks like Heaven is getting full today. Only let in people who have really good stories about how they died."

Used to this, Peter nodded.

The first soul approached the Gates, and Peter stopped him, saying "Unfortunately, Heaven is a little full today. You'll have to t...

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

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There was once a couple who were very, very dumb.

They used to listen to everything said to them without thinking any deeper.

After about a year after their marriage, a beautiful baby boy was born to them. They decided to baptize him and name him according to a very popular astrologer's idea. So they took him to the astrologer's sanctum
<...

I just saw some idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

A priest is drunk and driving home

His disorderly driving reaches the attention of cops and they pull him over.

When they saw that it was a preist driving they were shocked and said "woah father how much have you been drinking?"

The preist looked at his water bottles and replied "Ah he's done it again"

A guy is walking through the desert when he meets three men going the other way.

One is drinking out of a water bottle, one is looking at his phone and the third one is dragging a car door. He stops to talk to them.

"Why are you guys out here?" he asked.

"Our car broke down in the middle of the desert, so we started walking to see if we could find help. I figured I...

How do you get 1 million followers?

Run through Africa with a water bottle

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

A man and his two friends are out in the desert.

A man and his two friends are out in the desert. They had been planning this for a while so they all made sure they brought something to help them cool off. The first guy brought a water bottle so he could pour the water over himself to cool down. They all thought this a was a smart idea. The second...

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Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

I really didn't enjoy my Hollywood Internship...

They made me follow Leonardo DiCaprio around for 6 hours carrying his water bottle which was exhausting.

They made me floss between Tom Cruise's toes which was humiliating.

But when they made me spank Dwayne Johnson...

That's when I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

(edit: no lon...

Three people had their car break down in the middle of the desert...

They each decided to carry something useful from their car and walk until they found civilization. The first person said “I will carry these sandwiches, so if we get hungry we can eat them.” The second person said “I will take these water bottles, so if we get thirsty we have something to drink.” Th...

Last will of Morris Schwartz

Morris Schwartz lies on deathbed and his end is near. In the room with him is his wife, his daughter, his two sons and nurse. Morris knows he will die soon so he says:


„Bernie, you take the houses in Beverly Hills.

Sybil, you take the apartments in Los Angeles Plaza.

Hymie, ...

Where did Jesus hide his alcoholism?

In his water bottle

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I once met a homeless man

... And we had a small conversation. He said: "Every time there's a public marathon, I participate."

I replied: "Wow. You seem like a very active and sportive man despite being homeless."

He instantly said: "Nah, I just walk the whole race to get free water bottles."

The billionaire was taking his bath when he had to fart...

Not wanting to embarrass himself in front of his manservant, he said "Jeeves, go downstairs and fetch me a cup of coffee."
"Very good, sir" said the butler and made for the bathroom door.
By now the billionaire was struggling to hold it in, but finally Jeeves closed the door behind him. A subs...

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer shared a hotel room

Midnight, the waste basket caught on fire. The mathematician woke up first, looked at the fire and the water bottle next to it. He then wrote on a piece of paper "between the fire and the bottle, a solution exists", signed, and went back to sleep.

The physicist wake up second, saw the fire ...

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The golfer and the leprechaun

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving hi...

A brunette, a redhead, and a Blonde get ran off the road...

Out on the middle of nowhere. The car takes a few tumbles, but they all come away ok. They all start gathering supplies they could find from the wreck.The brunette finds some water bottles, "We won't get dehydrated!". The redhead finds sunblock, "And we won't get sunburnt!". The blonde picks up the ...

My roommate from California was homesick

So I stole his water bottle to make him feel more at home.

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A Tourist in Egypt is walking through the desert...

A Tourist in Egypt is walking through the desert on his way from one Oasis to another.

After a while, he spots a man, sitting in the middle of the desert, looking like he was holding on to an invisible steering wheel, and loudly going "Vroom! Vrooooom!!". Confused, he stepped closer. "Excuse...

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