My gf borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we seperated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

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(Long) (Borrowed from Ron Swanson) McGregor walks into a bar...

McGregor walks into a bar and tells a man at the bar "I built this bar with my own hands. I cut the wood, laminated the planks, planed it down, and finished it. Do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No. Come outside with me." McGregor takes the man outside. He points to a stone wall and says, "I...

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Just thought of one but maybe borrowed.

Always wondered why there's a lot indian doctors in gastroenterology. Let me go ask my friends Pooja and Harshit.

Hey, that hat you borrowed from me- do you know where it is?

Not off the top of my head.

My roommate borrowed my mayo and never gave it back.

What the Hellmann?

My parents always told me to put borrowed things back to its place.

So whenever I eat at a restaurant, I always put my used toothpick to where I got it.

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Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been retur...

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I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library.

Some tosser has taken the appendix out.

Vowels, who borrowed 50 bucks from preposition 5 months ago goes back to return it.

But because of some reason preposition couldn't remember anything about it and asks what this is about. Vowels exclaimed- "Ae! I owe you!"

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Did you hear about the musician who borrowed money from a loan shark?

He's in a whole lot of treble.

"Hey, I borrowed your car yesterday and I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"The air bags worked perfectly"

A French friend of mine drowned while swimming in a borrowed bathing costume in Mexico during a public holiday...

...she didn't realize it was the *sinky de maillot*.

I borrowed my drug dealer's shoes recently

I dont know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

I borrowed my umbrella to a girl

That makes the number of girls I got wet this year equal to -1.

I borrowed money from a pessimist because

he doesn't expect me to pay him back

He wants to scare his parents.

**Johnny’s father:** Let me see your report card.
**Johnny:** I don’t have it.
**Johnny’s father:** Why not?
**Johnny:** My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

Borrowed a pair of my stepdad’s socks the other day

He said to be careful as they were his lucky golfing socks.

“They have a hole in one.”

I borrowed a book from my dad about anti-gravity

I couldn’t put it down.

A chess player once borrowed a million dollars to purchase special edition chess boards.

His friend asked him to pay the money back but he ran away. His friend got cancer and couldn't pay the bills.

Finally the chess player went to visit him, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to him, and extended his arm towards him, and said "Check, mate."

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The guy borrowed a car...

and when he was supposed to return it, he said "I have good news and bad news."

The other guy groans and says "Aw, crap! Give me the bad news first!"

"I ran your car off a cliff."

"Ran it off a *cliff*! What could possibly be the good news?"

"The display ...

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Redneck daughter says "Daddy, can I borrow the truck?" (NSFW)

Her dad replies, "sure thing baby, but first, you gotta come I've here and suck my dick." So she goes down on him, but pulls away and yells, "damn Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!" Her dad says, "oh yeah, that's right, your brother borrowed the truck bout an hour ago, sorry."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know who Lana is...

But I borrowed her thermometer and it tastes like shit.

Borrowed Car

One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove b...

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