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Borrowed Jokes

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I borrowed money from a buddy who runs a school…

I thought I paid him back but then he tells me I still owe him $8.43. It was then I realized I had only paid the principal

My roommate borrowed my mayo and never gave it back.

What the Hellmann?

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Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been retur...

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(Long) (Borrowed from Ron Swanson) McGregor walks into a bar...

McGregor walks into a bar and tells a man at the bar "I built this bar with my own hands. I cut the wood, laminated the planks, planed it down, and finished it. Do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No. Come outside with me." McGregor takes the man outside. He points to a stone wall and says, "I...

I borrowed money from a pessimist because

he doesn't expect me to pay him back

I borrowed my umbrella to a girl

That makes the number of girls I got wet this year equal to -1.

I borrowed my drug dealer's shoes recently

I dont know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

Hey, that hat you borrowed from me- do you know where it is?

Not off the top of my head.

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I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library.

Some tosser has taken the appendix out.

My parents always told me to put borrowed things back to its place.

So whenever I eat at a restaurant, I always put my used toothpick to where I got it.

Did you hear about the musician who borrowed money from a loan shark?

He's in a whole lot of treble.

Borrowed Car

One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove b...

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The guy borrowed a car...

and when he was supposed to return it, he said "I have good news and bad news."

The other guy groans and says "Aw, crap! Give me the bad news first!"

"I ran your car off a cliff."

"Ran it off a *cliff*! What could possibly be the good news?"

"The display ...

Vowels, who borrowed 50 bucks from preposition 5 months ago goes back to return it.

But because of some reason preposition couldn't remember anything about it and asks what this is about. Vowels exclaimed- "Ae! I owe you!"

Borrowed a pair of my stepdad’s socks the other day

He said to be careful as they were his lucky golfing socks.

“They have a hole in one.”

I borrowed a book from my dad about anti-gravity

I couldn’t put it down.

"Hey, I borrowed your car yesterday and I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"The air bags worked perfectly"

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "The book I borrowed last week was just awful. It had absolutely no plot, and the vocabulary was too complex!"

The librarian calls into the back room, "Hey, we found the lady who took our dictionary!"

A French friend of mine drowned while swimming in a borrowed bathing costume in Mexico during a public holiday...

...she didn't realize it was the *sinky de maillot*.

I ran into Rick Astley today.

He borrowed my copy of Disney's "Up", but I doubt I'll ever see it again.

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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

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Redneck daughter says "Daddy, can I borrow the truck?" (NSFW)

Her dad replies, "sure thing baby, but first, you gotta come I've here and suck my dick." So she goes down on him, but pulls away and yells, "damn Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!" Her dad says, "oh yeah, that's right, your brother borrowed the truck bout an hour ago, sorry."

A WOMAN stormed up to the front desk of the library and said,

“I have a complaint.”

“Yes, Ma’am ?”

“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible.”

“What was wrong with it?”

“It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever.”

The librarian nodded and said, “Ah. So, you must be the person who took our pho...

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