Paraphrase Jokes

You know, I wasn't always the strong Christian man I am today. I was a little wild before I met your gram, but we all have club stories, right? Some better than others, but they're all an important part of our history. Anyway, one night I went out to a club. It was a weeknight, so it wasn't like it ... read more

Tell a German a joke and he won't get it.

Tell an Englishman a joke and he'll get it, but he won't laugh.

Tell an American a joke and he won't get it, but he'll laugh anyway.

Tell a Russian a joke and he'll say:

"I already heard that one."

1: So can we agree that those at the bottom of the political spectrum have less clothes?
2: Yes
1: So they are the less-ons?
2: Yes
1: And those at the top are the political spectrum have more clothes?
2: yes
1: so the more-ons?

I heard this a while ago on BBC America, so it's paraphrased a bit:

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A horse is in his field, watching a cricket match over the fence.

He calls out to the captain, and asks if he could play as well. The skipper says, "Why not? Might be fun," and gives the horse a bat as it w... read more

Man, I hate babies.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones..... or mastubate in daytime.

Paraphrased from Bo Burnham. Credit where it's due.

The subject of the lawsuit was an accusation of plagiarism. the Johnson campaign alleged that Senator Sander's slogan of "Feel the Bern" was paraphrased from Johnson's own campaign slogan "Feel the Johnson".

He says "my love, I must tell you something I've been holding in a long time..."

"Shhhh, it's okay, my love, you need to rest."

"But I have to tell you, I cannot hold it in any longer"

"It's okay, my love", she said, "you will soon be at peace and it does not matter.... read more

Around 1250, a merchant leaves France for a 2 years trip to the middle-east. When he comes back, his unfaithful wife had a son with a handsome young man of the city. Upon coming back home, the merchant sees the baby, who is obviously too young to be his own. He asks his wife: "My dear wife, please t... read more

Children are scared of you, adults try to guess what you are, and the elderly just give you candy!


Paraphrased from the wonderful Zach Anner

This is not a joke, but a request.

My grandma asked me to come up with a joke for her, for a speech she's giving to her charity foundation. The joke has to involve an old woman, and raising money/charity donations. Here's the example she gave me (slightly paraphrased from when she told it t... read more

Paraphrased a bit. I doubt Mr. Van Zandt would mind, and god knows who he heard it.
A cop is out walking the streets in a little town one night when he comes across a drunk man. The drunk is stumbling around the sidewalk back and forth like he's looking for something.
Cop asks
"What're yo... read more