Clearly cops will tread on a thin blue line

As long as its your jugular

Three women die and go to heaven

When they get to the pearly gates, St Peter greets them, saying "Welcome to Heaven, we hope you enjoy it here, and please don't tread on the ducks"

The women think this kind of odd but decide not to ask too many questions, and they go and start to settle in.

A couple of days pass and t...

My mom told me this one

A farmer is worried sick about his horse Reginald who is basically on his death bed. He calls a vet to check up on him but the vet looks hopeless and says, "I'll be honest with you man, he's pretty much in his final stages. I do know this experimental three day treatment, but its not known to work. ...

A missionary is treading the dangerous jungle...

He's been walking for weeks and has suffered mosquitoes, mud slides, leeches, dysentery and of course the unbearable heat and humidity. He's exhausted but in a few days he'll reach his destination.

Suddenly, a huge tiger leaps up from the bushes right in front of him. She's clearly hungry and...

What does a cat say when you tread on its tail?

ME-OW!


I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes to the gym one day where he over hears a man on a tread mill talking about how workouts are a real pain in the ass. Little Johnny asks the man what that means, the man replies with โ€œ oh it is just an add on used to give something more meaningโ€

So later that day Johnny goes...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.

'Seems easy enough' the men think.

They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with gre...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I was walking down the street today when I accidentally trod in some dog shit.

While I was cleaning it off my shoe, I saw another guy tread in the same crap, so I said โ€œI just did that!โ€.
So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

Jim asks his formerly obese friend Phil how he has lost weight so fast

Phil replies, "I tell you my secret. There's this clinic I went to. They have a special program that makes you lose weight incredibly fast. Here's the address."



So next weekend Jim has his first appointment at the clinic. He is welcomed by the doctor who sends him upstairs to the firs...

Whatever you do, don't step on a duck.

Three men approached the gates of heaven where they were immediately greeted by Saint Peter. "Hello good sirs, and welcome to the Kingdom of God. In heaven we have but one rule: DO NOT step on a duck."
"I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" questioned one of the men.
"Over the years, many misconcep...

Three friends die and go to heaven

(Change the names in this if you want to)

Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Wha...

Why did some parents let their 10-month-old die after "refusing to get help for religious reasons"?

A devout man is treading water in the ocean after his boat has capsized. He is managing to stay afloat by clinging to a small segment of his broken vessel when a lone fisherman draws near and offers him a line. The man in the water refuses, saying, "I do not need your assistance. The Lord will save ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

3 Generals are having a contest.

3 Generals one from the Army, one from Marines, and one from the Air Force are having a contest. A contest to see who's troops have the biggest balls.


The Air Force general looks to one of his best pilots and shouts "You..Pilot..take that fighter to 10000ft and then go straight down and ...

Three little old ladies die in a car crash...

When they get to heaven, St. Peter is waiting to welcome them.
"Welcome, ladies," says Peter. "We only have one rule up here, don't step on the ducks."
The three little old ladies look around and notice there are ducks everywhere, thousands of them.
"Why all the ducks?" asks the first li...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A Christian is out on the ocean when his boat capsizes...

He immediately starts praying. After half an hour a boat pulls up. "Hey! Need some help?" "No thanks! God will save me!" So the boat speeds off.

After another hour another boat pulls up. "Hey there! Need any help?" "No thanks! God will save me!" So the boat speeds off.

After a grueli...

I try so hard not to upset my vegan girlfriend.

I'm constantly treading on eggshells.

Which she also doesn't approve of.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

In a parallel universe the world is ruled by a fascist government.

Every year the Supreme Dictator is entertained on his birthday by way of a grand concert performed by the Great Orchestra.

On the 50th birthday of the Supreme Dictator the Great Orchestra's performance is being guided by a new and young music director by the name of Saba Saging.

The wh...

A young monk went fishing

A young monk goes fishing with two other much older and experienced monks. While out in the boat one of the older monks realizes he has forgotten his favorite hook, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, and returns shortly with his favorite hook. The young monk is stunned at this sight. A sh...

Patrick was drinking heavily on a Tuesday night at his local pub.

He raised his glass and proclaimed, in toast, "here's to spending the rest of me life, layin' in bed next to me wife."

The toast was met with raucous cheers and applause. Patrick was given the toast of the night award, given out on every Tuesday at the pub.

When he brought the trophy h...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Three men die and go to heaven

St. Peter welcomes them at the Pearly Gates and tells them they are all allowed to enter but there is one rule they must not break, under no circumstances can of them step on a duck. As they walk in, they realize there are ducks everywhere. The first guy makes it about an hour but then accidentally ...

Last went to temple when I was 13. Still remember this "joke."

A man jumps into the ocean and decides to put his life in God's hands. He is treading water for 45 mins when a tugboat comes by. The captain shouts to him, "get in and we will take you to shore!" The man calls back, "no thanks, I'm waiting for God to save me." The captain looks perplexed but dri...

A Mirror, A Shoe, & A Tire

A mirror, a shoe, and a tire walk into a bar and order some drinks. The bartender asks the shoe, what's causing you to drink on this lovely night? The shoe responds with his tongue hanging out, "well I use to be tied down, but I recently lost my better half, and now I feel like my soul is worn down....

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