UPJOKE
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Clearly cops will tread on a thin blue line

As long as its your jugular

Little Timmy wants to take the dog for a walk and ask his mom if he can take her around the block.

The mom knows the dog is in heat but doesn't want to tell Timmy he can't take the dog for a walk and open that can of worms with little Timmy on what it means and tread down the 'birds and the bees', so instead she tells little Timmy to go ask his dad instead.

So little Timmy goes out to the...

A missionary is treading the dangerous jungle...

He's been walking for weeks and has suffered mosquitoes, mud slides, leeches, dysentery and of course the unbearable heat and humidity. He's exhausted but in a few days he'll reach his destination.

Suddenly, a huge tiger leaps up from the bushes right in front of him. She's clearly hungry and...

What does a cat say when you tread on its tail?

ME-OW!


I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold...

My French teacher just opened a tyre shop

I call him Jacques of all Treads

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Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.

'Seems easy enough' the men think.

They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with gre...

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

Three women die and go to heaven

When they get to the pearly gates, St Peter greets them, saying "Welcome to Heaven, we hope you enjoy it here, and please don't tread on the ducks"

The women think this kind of odd but decide not to ask too many questions, and they go and start to settle in.

A couple of days pass and t...

My friend wanted to hit the treadmill while recovering from an injury.

I told him “tread lightly”.

My mom told me this one

A farmer is worried sick about his horse Reginald who is basically on his death bed. He calls a vet to check up on him but the vet looks hopeless and says, "I'll be honest with you man, he's pretty much in his final stages. I do know this experimental three day treatment, but its not known to work. ...

Three friends die and go to heaven

*Edited for spelling*

[The names of the friends are interchangeable, try using your own friends' names for added humor]

Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual speel that everyone gets when they're about to ente...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes to the gym one day where he over hears a man on a tread mill talking about how workouts are a real pain in the ass. Little Johnny asks the man what that means, the man replies with “ oh it is just an add on used to give something more meaning”

So later that day Johnny goes...

Three men approached the gates of heaven...

Three men approached the gates of heaven where they were immediately greeted by Saint Peter. "Hello good sirs, and welcome to the Kingdom of God. In heaven we have but one rule: Do not step on a duck."

"I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" questioned one of the men.

"Over the years, many m...

Jim asks his formerly obese friend Phil how he has lost weight so fast

Phil replies, "I tell you my secret. There's this clinic I went to. They have a special program that makes you lose weight incredibly fast. Here's the address."



So next weekend Jim has his first appointment at the clinic. He is welcomed by the doctor who sends him upstairs to the firs...

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I was walking down the street today when I accidentally trod in some dog shit.

While I was cleaning it off my shoe, I saw another guy tread in the same crap, so I said “I just did that!”.
So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

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3 Generals are having a contest.

3 Generals one from the Army, one from Marines, and one from the Air Force are having a contest. A contest to see who's troops have the biggest balls.


The Air Force general looks to one of his best pilots and shouts "You..Pilot..take that fighter to 10000ft and then go straight down and ...

Three little old ladies die in a car crash...

When they get to heaven, St. Peter is waiting to welcome them.
"Welcome, ladies," says Peter. "We only have one rule up here, don't step on the ducks."
The three little old ladies look around and notice there are ducks everywhere, thousands of them.
"Why all the ducks?" asks the first li...

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A Christian is out on the ocean when his boat capsizes...

He immediately starts praying. After half an hour a boat pulls up. "Hey! Need some help?" "No thanks! God will save me!" So the boat speeds off.

After another hour another boat pulls up. "Hey there! Need any help?" "No thanks! God will save me!" So the boat speeds off.

After a grueli...

I try so hard not to upset my vegan girlfriend.

I'm constantly treading on eggshells.

Which she also doesn't approve of.

Why did some parents let their 10-month-old die after "refusing to get help for religious reasons"?

A devout man is treading water in the ocean after his boat has capsized. He is managing to stay afloat by clinging to a small segment of his broken vessel when a lone fisherman draws near and offers him a line. The man in the water refuses, saying, "I do not need your assistance. The Lord will save ...

Patrick was drinking heavily on a Tuesday night at his local pub.

He raised his glass and proclaimed, in toast, "here's to spending the rest of me life, layin' in bed next to me wife."

The toast was met with raucous cheers and applause. Patrick was given the toast of the night award, given out on every Tuesday at the pub.

When he brought the trophy h...

A Mirror, A Shoe, & A Tire

A mirror, a shoe, and a tire walk into a bar and order some drinks. The bartender asks the shoe, what's causing you to drink on this lovely night? The shoe responds with his tongue hanging out, "well I use to be tied down, but I recently lost my better half, and now I feel like my soul is worn down....

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Three men die and go to heaven

St. Peter welcomes them at the Pearly Gates and tells them they are all allowed to enter but there is one rule they must not break, under no circumstances can of them step on a duck. As they walk in, they realize there are ducks everywhere. The first guy makes it about an hour but then accidentally ...

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