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Blown Jokes

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

An Eskimos car breaks down and a man from New Zealand pulls over to help him out. He has a look under the bonnet and says “looks like you’ve blown a seal” the Eskimo replies

“So what you f**k sheep”

What's an easy way to tell if you have a blown head gasket?

Just look for lipstick marks on your crank shaft.

Putin is reportedly extremely angry about his bridge getting blown up

He needs to get over it

[NSFW] I was blown away...

When I found out I had been selected by IS for the next round of suicide missions

The fuse had blown on a lamp I was throwing away and my mother suggested I give it to a charity shop

I told her I couldn’t do that, they’d only re-fuse it

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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

An English man got his legs blown off

Another man runs up and says "oh my god where are your legs?!"
The English man say "I dunno, I'm bloody stumped"

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Did you hear about about the army guy that got his dick blown off?

Just nuts now isn’t it.

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

My brother went outside and was blown away by what he found

I told him not to go out in the storm!

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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I've never met a full-blown Jew

They're always just Jewish

A blown gasket.

A penguin is driving in the hot Arizona desert when smoke starts to bellow out from underneath the hood. He just so happens so see a service station so pulls in. He walks up to the attendant.

"Sir. Would you mind looking at my car?"

"No not at all, give me about five or ten minutes and...

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

“What brings you before the grea...

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Three soldiers are blown up in a foxhole

Three soldiers are blown up in a foxhole; a white guy, a jew, and a black guy. The grenade that was thrown in their foxhole explodes and kills all three instantly.

All three of them go to hell. The devil explains to them due to the high number of casualties lately hell is getting overpopulate...

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

My kid was blown away when I did the perfect dive into the pool.

Just so happened a tornado ripped through the town at the same time.

What do you call someone who has had their legs blown off?

Defeated.

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I finally open-mouth kissed AND got blown by a girl today!

But my asshole friends insist it's called CPR!

A freighter carrying a shipment of whiskey from Scotland lost power and was blown onto the rocks in Nova Scotia. The entire cargo was lost.

it left no tern unstoned.

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During a vicious storm a bride is blown overboard off the top deck of a cruise ship

The heartbroken groom has 3 search parties sent out to look and unfortunately find no trace of her.

He gets back to life, and 8 years later gets a call from the police.

They say we have some bad news, and some very good news.

We have located your wife’s body during a scuba divin...

Why is a blown-up balloon more expensive than a balloon that isn't

Inflation

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

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Wearing crocs is like getting blown by a guy

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay

If you think other jokes on this sub have blown up big....

wait until you sea mine!

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

I love the smell of blown out matches...

Chile vs Mexico was a real treat!

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

What did Lieutenant Dan say after getting his new legs blown off?

"Oh, the iron knee!"

Note: Old joke I made up and told friends in high school, before realizing his new legs are not actually made of iron. Hope the joke is still amusing though

I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p.

I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona...

...and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin...

What begins with an "s", ends with a "x" and leaves a guy blown away?

Semtex.

Why can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone?

Because eventually, its cover would be blown.

I Was Today Years Old When I Found Out The Meaning Of The Joke "Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road" (Mind Blown!)

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"To get to the other side"

It's a joke about suicide. The chicken crossed the road to get hit by a car and reach the "other side" or the after life.

I just thought it was a dumb joke.

A pirate ship is blown apart during a battle with the Navy.

A pirate ship is blown up during a battle with the Navy. The only survivors are an old crusty pirate and a pesky parrot. As they float together on some old timbers the parrot asks, "How's your ass?"
The pirate just ignores the parrot. So the parrot asks again, "How's your ass?" Again the pirate...

2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

I called my boss and told him I couldn't make it to work today because the wind had blown leaves onto my car in the night.



"So? Just wipe them off." he said.



"Well, they're still attached to the tree." I replied.

What do you call a French conqueror who stands too close to a bomb?

Napoleon Blown-apart

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

Why did the famous balloon artist hate his own work?

It was blown out of proportion!

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An unhappy wife says to her mother "My asshole used to look like a 5 pence coin. Now it's so blown out it looks like a 50p!"

Her mother told her "Sweetheart, you have an estate in the countryside, a villa in Italy, luxury cars and vacation for months at a time! Do you really want to give all that up for £0.45?"

Being a man is like being a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you're hot.

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

All the blondes in the world are tired of being portrayed as stupid

... so they decide to prove that they're just as smart as anyone else.

They hold a big conference, and fill up an entire stadium of blondes. People come from miles and miles to be part of this, the stadium is filled, the city outside the stadium is packed, and millions more watch from home as...

Optimus Prime is at home, watching TV, when his power goes out.

Frustrated, he calls the electrical company, and they have someone sent over. As he goes to ask the lineman what's going on, he notices that his jaw won't move, so he goes to get some motor oil to lubricate his jaws.

10 minutes later, he arrives back at his house, his mouth full of motor oil....

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A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

Why do you hire a psychic hooker?

So you can have your mind blown.

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Two girls walk into a pub.

After a little while, the barman notices that the older one is actually transexual.

The transexual walks up to the bar and says in a deepish voice, "One chardonnay and a large guimess for my sis please."

She takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them up. A few rounds late...

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A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn

Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging ...

What do you call Napoleon hit by a cannonball?

Napoleon Blown Apart.

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