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Slap Jokes

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

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I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass

I guess I've hit Rock Bottom.

A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.

He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.

The man asked his son, "Son, what did you do after school today?"

The son replied, "Oh, I just did some homework" and the robot slapped the son.

The son said, "Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends".

The ...

Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*

Car roof: *slaps Isaac Newton*

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
<...

Today I got slapped for telling a girl her hair smelled nice.

I hate being a dwarf.

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If you slap a christian girl on the ass...

Would she turn the other cheek?

Why did Will Smith slap Chris instead of punching him?

Everybody knows paper beats rock

what did 3 say after being slapped

What was that 4

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my husband got slapped yesterday!

he walks into an elevator and sees a woman with huge breasts, and can’t stop staring. finally, she rolls her eyes, and says “could you please, just press 1?.” and he did!

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

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Interactive joke

There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. **Remember: 3 stories.**

The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?"

The man went up to the se...

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

What happens when someone slaps you at high frequency?

It hertz

I got slapped with a public indecency charge for using the toilet :/

Apparently the ones at IKEA are “for display only”

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

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Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can't survive a slap from a newspaper.

This shows how toxic the media is.

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

If Juwan Howard needed to slap someone for calling a dumb timeout

Maybe he should have started with Chris Webber

Slapping a comedian on stage at the oscars?

Say what you Will, but that’s a bald move.

Why did Will Smith slap Chris Rock?

His Wife's Boyfriend didnt think the joke was funny

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

So it is possible to just slap a comedian that annoys you.

You don't need to destroy their whole country.

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

I decided to slap the salami today because I was bored

Needless to say I was fired from my job at the butcher shop for forgetting to wear gloves

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A dad buys a robot that slaps people when they lie...

He decides to test it when his son comes back from school.

He asks "Son, where were you today?", so he says "at school". He gets a slap.

A little confused, he tells his dad that they were watching DVDs. The dad asks "What kind of DVD?"

The son says Toy Story. The robot slaps him...

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

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So I was watching porn on my laptop when my roomate slapped his weed sticker on it so hard that it crashed.

Stickers and stoners can break my boners...

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms

and it hertz alot.

What do you call it when you get slapped by a blacksmith?

Will power

Why did the dwarf get slapped by the woman?

He said “your hair smells amazing.”

A Home Owner walks into his Back Yard...

And sees a gorilla in his tree. He calls the Gorilla Removal Services (GRS) and they send one of their guys over.

The man shows up with a stick, hand cuffs, a chihuahua and shot gun and goes on to explain how he'll get the Gorilla down.

GRS Guy: "I'm going to climb this tree and poke ...

Slapping someone usually wakes them up, but slapping them harder can make them fall asleep....

What if you slap them harder while they're sleeping?
They sleep 2x better?

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There's this Pimp and he's got 3 hos

This joke doesn't work when written, because there's elements of physical comedy involved. My intent is to teach you the joke and hope you use it well. Without further ado, here's the joke

There's this pimp and he's got 3 hos. He says to the first ho "Where's the 100 dollars you owe me" Sh...

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he d...

What happens if you slap a tuning fork?

It hertz

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an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

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A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

- Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

- No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him that if he didn't eat his broccoli, hi...

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom...

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

[NSFW] The village idiot wanted to get rich.

Everyday he would pray to the gods that he would win the lottery.

Every night, "God, please let me win the lottery!!!!"

This went on for years and years, until one day suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, god steps in front of him and slaps him across his ...

It takes 135,000 slaps to cook a chicken

It took Will Smith one and his goose is cooked (sorry)

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A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

Why was Chris Rock surprised when Will Smith slapped him?

He thought one of Jada’s other boyfriends would have done it.

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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.

Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.

"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..

"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.

"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.

"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?

Few minutes later,...

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

I slapped my violin out of anger

I got arrested for domestic violins

I never imagined Chris Rock getting slapped on national television…

But I guess if there’s a Will, there’s a way.

I went back in time just to slap someone

Me as a child: “I wish that I were an adult!”

A blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy in the train...

Four people are sitting in the passenger car of a train. A hot blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy. The train goes into a tunnel, there's total darkness for a brief moment, and all you can hear is a loud slap. As the train is leaving the tunnel, sunlight lights the scene up, and a confused french...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a nun and a young woman are sitting in a train compartment

The train drives into a tunnel, the lights in the compartment have gone out, it is pitch black. Suddenly a loud SMACK! is heard, and when the train is back out of the tunnel, the Frenchman is in pain, holding his red cheek.

The Nun thinks: "He must have groped the young woman and she slapped ...

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I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face.

That's what happens when you hit rock bottom.

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.


Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."


Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"


Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

Now that Will Smith has apologised for slapping Chris Rock, his conscience is clean.

His wife on the other hand, is Mr Clean.

Doctor : Does it hurt?

Mother : Yes, a lot.

Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

My MIL got slapped in public just for wearing a Trump hat.

My wife wasn’t even upset at me.

My son cries when I slap his hand.

If he doesn’t like it he should stop blocking his face.

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A mother baking in Somalia

One day a mother was baking bread in Somalia, when her son thought it would be awesome to play white. So he threw flour all over him and said "Mommy, look! I'm white".

His mother slapped him instantly and said "Go to your father and show him what you've done."
His father slapped him i...

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Slapping Old People

An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible sex!" He is quiet as he ...

A train goes under a tunnel. Credits to /u/capilot

A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face.

The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the y...

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A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.


"No. My husband wouldn't approve."


"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"


"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."


So the man sh...

I hate being slapped with a sausage.

It's the wurst.

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared.

She said, "You can't slap Chris Rock because your wifes got no hair"

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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

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A guy walks into a bar and slaps $1000 on the bar top.

The guy says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that I can piss from one side of this bar top into a shot glass on the other side without spilling a single drop."

The bartender says, "I don't think that's possible, I'll take that bet."

The bartender sets up a shot glass at the end of t...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

*slaps roof of kid*

This baby can hold so many disappointments

A Teacher wants to do a little Quiz with her Students.

Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"

Random Student:"A Duck!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose.
Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"

Random Student:"A Dog!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."...

A dad buys a lie detector robot and it slaps anyone who lies

The dad asks his son, “where were you today”? And the son says, “at school” and the robot slaps him. Then the son says “ok, ok, ok,... I was watching Kung Fu Panda”. Then the robot slaps him again. So the sons says “fine...I was hanging out with a girl. And the dad goes “what?” “You’re too young to ...

I was going to slap you because your head was in the clouds

But I mist

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Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his be...

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A man slapped my butt on a Christian young adults’ retreat...

Church officials advised me to turn the other cheek.

(True story of mine from a few years back, just making the best of it and laughing about it, please don’t take offense)

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if you decide to slap a random black guys ass and it turns out to be Dwayne Johnson..

..you've really hit rock bottom

My wife slapped me when I told her I'm buying her a puppy for Christmas.

I thought she'd be excited to hear that she's getting a little husky...

A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree

He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon lan...

The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

An Arab man slapped his wife, and she was insulted.

She went to her father and told him, "An eye for an eye. My husband has slapped me, and you must avenge me"

So her father asked, "On which cheek did did he slap you?"

"He slapped my left cheek."

So the father slapper his daughter on the right and said, "Be happy, I have avenge...

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My girlfriend slapped me really hard because I ejaculated prematurely...

She says I got off easy.

Why did Markiplier slapped the fisherman?

Because he wanted his Fisch Bach

The science teacher is in trouble for slapping his student

The parents phones says "I'm sending two coppers right now to charge you with battery."

He says "You can't charge a battery with two coppers. You need a copper and a zinc."

Four people were riding in a compartment on a train in Crimea..

... an old old lady, a beautiful young woman, a Ukrainian man, and a Russian soldier. The train enters a tunnel and it's suddenly pitch dark. Nobody can see a thing. There is a sound of a kiss, a sound of a slap, and when the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is nursing a painful red slap ...

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

...

To everyone who gets offended by comedians making inappropriate jokes. Have you ever just wished that you could slap them silly? well fear not..

Where there's a Will there's a way.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows...

It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

My friend nailed some beef to the ceiling and told me to slap it

I told him no

The steaks were too high

I managed to slap Trump in the face, but didn't get away...

..they caught me orange handed.

A man buys a robot that slaps liars

He puts it on the dinner table, and explains what it is. He then asks his son where he was today when he should have been at school.

"I was at school!" The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the cinema."

"Who were you with and what did you watch?" The father asks.

"I was with...

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In light of people getting slapped by the pope.

There was this poor old guy named Donald who hears that the pope is going on tour and will be parading through his town. Donald was very excited that he might get a chance to meet the pope and shake his hand. So he decided to make a plan. He thought that the pope would want to meet the richest man i...

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