August without gust is...

Gold

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I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky.

It became an ass ending sending ascending.

This priest decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An...

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A man is sitting at a bar. Another gentleman walks up and sits next to him. The first man looks at the new comer and says to him “did You know this bar is so high up in the tower that you can jump out the window and the gusts will lift you up and float you right back in the window?”

The new guy looks at him, astonished at this. The first guy says “watch I’ll show you”, takes a shot of whiskey, runs over to the window and jumps out. Thirty seconds later he floats right back up and through the window and walks back over to the Other gentleman.

Amazed, the other guy says “I...

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

Did you hear about the guy who died in a light gust of wind?

He was killed by debris

What did the Mexican say when a gust of wind blew his homework out the window?

Come back essay!

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A man was playing golf with his local Vicar.

The man took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The man, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed "Damn - missed the bugger!".

The vicar said to the man "Please do not use foul language again."

They moved onto the next hole and exactly the same ...

What do you call a gust of wind that blows a black guy off of a boat?

The NBA draft

What do you call a wind that never gusts?

Disgusting.

I'll see myself out...

A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.

He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.

"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?" He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the da...

Caught in a Wind Storm

“A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.



She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it co...

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrive...

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary...

...What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

My next door neighbor's 9 year old came over and had to tell me this joke I don't know what was funnier.Her trying to tell me that joke without laughing or the joke itself.

There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. So the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies,"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

A devout Muslim decides to go skydiving

He jumps off the plane and when it's time to open his parachute he pulls the cord and nothing happens. As he is hurtling towards the ground, he starts praying to Allah and the prophet Muhammad for mercy. Miraculously, a giant gust of wind picks him up and and begins to slow his fall. Surprised by t...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

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Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor

of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny...

A woman was walking along the cliff side enjoying a good book...

Just as she's about to reach the ending, a gust of wind blows the book out of her hands, down to the crashing waves beneath. Desperate to finish, she leaps after it, falling to her death.


Moral of the story: Don't jump to conclusions

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A businessman visits Japan for the first time

A business man visits Japan for the first time.

He checks in to a hotel and is shown around the room. He notices that there is no toilet paper, and asks the hotel porter about it.

Well, says the porter, this is Japan, and our toilets are advanced, all will be handled by the buttons on ...

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A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

A nice clean jewish joke

The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.

On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.

An angel who witnessed this...

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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag...

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.


The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pul...

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A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives.

They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.

"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:<...

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My favorite joke

Two guys are drinking in the restaurant atop the Space Needle on a windy day.

Man 1: You... You know... When it is this windy, you can jump off the edge, and the wind will blow you back on.

Man 2: Bull.

Man 1: No man, I'm telling you. The wind just blows you back on. Here, let ...

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Three guys are walking down a street ...

A rich man, middle class man and a unemployed man are walking down a very windy street with their wives. A strong gust of wind causes the skirts of the wives to rise up and their husbands notice none of the women were wearing any panties.


The rich man turns to his wife and asks her why s...

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Superman is flying around metropolis one day, doing his normal surveillance.

He looks down and notices Wonder Woman, laying on the roof of her place, legs spread apart, completely naked.

The thought occurs to him; he's as fast as a speeding bullet, he could fly down there, do his thing, and get out before she suspected a thing.

Without a second thought he pull...

One day, a doctor goes on a boat tour in rural Asia.

After a while, the doctor asks the tour leader, "Can you do maths?" the tour leader says, "No I can't, actually." the doctor replies, "Well, your life expectancy is reduced by a quarter.

Later the doctor asks again, "Do you understand science?" the tour leader again says no. The doctor says,...

One day, Keanu Reeves is leaving his house...

On his way out, his home is surrounded by paparazzi. Looking into the crowds, he sees 20 people or so, and standing in between all of them, is a rather large machine. He hides his face and quickly rushes to his car.

Keanu, knowing how to elude the paparazzi where possible, drives a rather ro...

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Three men were about to dive off of a magical cliff

The first man told the other two about why it's a magical cliff " they say when you jump off if you yell what you want it will magically appear at the bottom of this cliff, replacing the water."

So the first man jumps off and yells "GOLD!" All of the water turned into gold coins, and the man ...

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Made this myself. I'm very proud

A priest is visited by Christ himself in his dream. The Son of God warns him that danger is coming his way, and his family will be at risk as well. The priest asks for guidance, and Jesus takes pity on him and says, "give your blessing to the droplets of my land." And with that, the priest wakes up....

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Negligent Discharge

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was a...

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A man walks into a bar. He sees another patron and decides to sit down next to him.

A man walks into a bar. He sees one other patron in the bar and decides to sit down next to him. After a few drinks the man starts chatting up the patron.

Eventually, after a few more drinks and conversation, the patron asks the man if he wants to see something really incredible, but that he...

A man was at the Grand canyon

As he sat watching, ten puns came walking up. They all started talking excitedly and strapping on wings. He asked them what they were doing and they said they were going to fly down the canyon. One by one they all jumped off and began to glide down. Suddenly a gust of wind struck and they dropped ou...

A woman gets on a double decker bus.

She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.

The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says “bit airy up there ma’am”

To which she replies, “what’d you expect, feathers?”

Upstanding bulls

A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground. But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, a...

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A man goes to a zoo.......

While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.


When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper e...

They say the golden wind comes in during this month...

Au gust

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

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New head samurai

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. The emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth. A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and...

The wind whispered insults in my ear today

It was really diss gusting

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A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He the...

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Two men are sitting next to each other in a hotel bar

After they've each had a few, they begin to strike up a conversation. They chat on about business and family and life for a time. Then, after awhile, the first guy says, "Hey, do you want to hear something incredible?"

The second guy replies, "Sure, why not?"

"If you go to the roof of ...

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Superman is flying around the world when he sees WonderWoman tanning on the beach....

He notices that she's naked and spread eagle and has a thought.

Superman: I bet I could fly down there and have sex with her and fly away before she even knew it.
So like a depraved bastard he does exactly that and hears a conversation as he flies away.

Wonderwoman: Did you feel tha...

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Superman uses his X-ray vision and sees Wonder Woman nude with her legs in the air

She's moaning and her hands sometimes--comfort her. Superman enjoys the view and, well,--comforts himself. He's ready to finish but figures he'll finish in Wonder Woman. He's faster than a speeding bullet, he's an alien so he can't impregnate her, and it's better to feel the sensation in a woman...

Two Boys are Playing Frisbee

Then, a sudden gust of wind sends the frisbee onto a ledge mid flight; It's out of reach of the two boys. So, one goes and finds the nearest adult, who gives them two options:
"Well, I can try to give ya a boost me-self, but Yer might fall an' hurt yourself; or I can lend you my structure consist...

A husband and wife have just moved out of the city...

...to a dairy farm at the top of a hill. One day, while on their morning walk, the husband spots their beautiful neighbor tending her garden. A gust of wind blows the neighbors dress up, exposing her rear. The husband, in complete awe and excitement, takes a deep breath and accidentally mutters to h...

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A nun goes golfing...

*[I was playing a round of golf the other day with a fellow who asked me if I knew any golf jokes. When I replied that I did not, he said you should always have a golf joke or two in your repertoire. I asked him for a joke then, and he told me this one. I now have one in my repertoire, and so wil...

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A drunk Scotsman stumbles out of a pub on a windy Saturday night...

...halfway home he passes out on the street, and a gust blows his kilt up, exposing his privates.

Next morning a flock of little old ladies are on their way to church. They see him in all his indecent glory and are aghast. The bravest one pulls a length of blue ribbon from her purse, tent...

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Sea captain joke

A young sailor is walking the
docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain "How did you get your peg leg?" The captain replies "Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of me bo...

This was the first dirty joke my mom ever heard -said when she was 16 by my grandfather who loved a good joke.

A old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful young woman in a dress walking towards him. As he approaches her, a gust of wind blows her skirt up over her head. Frantically she pushes the fabric back down into place and turns a little red from embarrassment. Not wanting to cause furt...

A threesome of golfers approaches the tee...

The first golfer is Jesus. Jesus takes a swing and the ball sails directly into the water. Jesus' ball doesn't sink, and he walks across the water's surface and takes his second swing. The ball drops on the green.

The second golfer is Moses. He takes a mighty whack at the ball, but it also la...

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Two homeless men were walking in the desert...

...when suddenly a gust of wind reveals a shiny object in the distance. Both of them rushed to said item and as they saw it was a lamp. A genie appears out of the lamp as they were trying to clean the lamp.

"Thank you for releasing me. I shall give 3 wishes to each one of you." The men stared...

3 witch fugitives were cornered by police

The redhead yelled "AIR" and a gust of wind carried her to safety.

The brunette yelled "EARTH" and a tunnel to safety appeared underneath her.

The blonde yelled "FIRE" so the police did.

3 men are repairing a barn roof when the ladder gets knocked over

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Newfie are all up on a barn roof doing repairs when a strong gust of wind blows their ladder away. The barn is in the middle of nowhere so they might have to wait days before someone passes by to save them.

They all begin looking for a way down but the only t...

A tourist visits a Zen sanctuary.

While wandering the gardens near the back of the temple, the tourist encounters two Zen masters standing near a closed door. They appear to be having a rather serene sort of debate, so the tourist stops to listen.

"As one's burden increases," says the first Zen master, "so too does their need...

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The Flash is walking along down the beach...

Flash stops in his tracks when ahead of him he sees Wonder Woman laying on her back with her legs spread wide open, naked in all her glory.

Flash takes a moment to think to himself, "I could probably fly in there, do the nasty and get out before she notices!"

After contemplating it for...

I was doing some yard work this weekend...

It was a hot, muggy day, and I had just finished raking the leaves in my yard. I was ready to be done. I pulled out some plastic sheeting to pile the leaves on and dragged them to the curb.

After my chores were done, I took a break and broke out a bottle of liqueur to relax and enjoy the fru...

There once was a man named Myas...

One day Myas and his two friends planned a trip to sail across the vast ocean. They rented a ship and when the date came, they set sail. Everything was going accordingly until the third night when a storm happened upon them. Waves buffeted the hull. Gusts of wind enveloped the sails. As the ship roc...

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are all golfing...

It’s a par 5 and Moses hits his tee shot first and it lands in the fairway.

Jesus hits his tee shot also in the fairway but a little further than Moses’s.

The old bearded guy steps up and shanks his tee shot way to the right. The ball bounces off a tree in to a pond where a turtle gr...

A priest wants to go golfing on a Sunday..

...but he has to run Sunday mass so he can never go, so one Sunday mass he cancels at the last minute. Finally having some time on a Sunday, he heads straight to the local course and starts a game of golf.

An angel picks up this happening and brings it to the attention of God. He says "aren'...

Fidel Castro Dies and Goes to Heaven

Castro finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there, surprised to see him. He says, "Fidel, you've done so many awful things in your life, how did you get here?"

Castro says, "It was the Pope. He blessed me and told me I must have been chosen by God, so I was certainly going to heave...

Trouble on the Roof

Mike and Rob were laying tile on a roof when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."
"What, do you think I'm stupid?" Rob replied." I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can ...

A little boy goes for a Sunday picnic with his mom and dad....

....they arrive at the most beautiful spot, at the top of a cliff overlooking a magnificent canyon. They set out a blanket and delicious food and proceed to have a truly memorable family afternoon.

Without a gust of wind or cloud in the sky, they all fall fast asleep after their meal, to the ...

The Orphan

A boy was living happily with his brother, mother, father, and dog. His father worked in a factory. The pay was ok, but the work was hard. One day, a man knocked at the door of the family. The man sat them down and informed them that the father had been caught in some machinery and had died. Th...

Pickled Onion

*My friend told me this today, so I rewrote it the way I remember. Trust me, it's worth the read!*

This story takes place in the middle ages, with kings, knights, castles, etc.

There was an adventurer wandering through the night during a storm. The wind was gusting, and he was being pe...

So three guys are waiting in line to get into heaven...

And Saint Peter was walking around making sure everyone was doing OK and stopped at Bob. St Peter asks "So, how did you die?"

Bob says, "well my wife and I live on a third story apartment and I thought she was cheating on me. So I came home early from work one day, to catch her in the act. W...

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The Rabbi's Blessing

A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his shtreimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.
A young gentile man, witnessing this eve...

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Two men are at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building

After a long week of work, Buddy's decide to celebrate the weekend by getting absolutely wasted.

3 hours later and 9 drinks, they are completely drunk.

One of the men turns to his buddy, points to the window and slurs "You know, the winds are so high out here, that if you jump out you...

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Two buddies go duck hunting...

Two buddies go duck hunting. They had been hunting for a while when one had to take a dump. So he leans his shotgun up against a fence and goes over to take care of business. Suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along. It blows his shotgun over and it accidentally discharges and shoots him right in ...

A man goes to the zoo

He's at the gorilla exhibit when a gust of wind blows some dust into his eye. He rubs his eye to get the dust out and the gorilla sees this and immediately bends open the bars to the exhibit and beats the man unconscious.
The man wakes up in the zookeeper's office and the zookeeper asks him what...

Three guys were at the gates of Heaven.

God says to each of them, "If you tell me how you died, I'll let you into Heaven."

The First guy looks at God and says, "I live in an eight story apartment building and my apartment in on the seventh floor on the west side of the building. I had left work early because I had an assumption tha...

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