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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex

The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest...

Not to brag, but I’m fluent in 10 languages.

English and Binary.

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

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Three female friends are at the bar, bragging about how much sex they get.

Somehow, this conversation gets to bragging about how loose they all are.

The first one says, "I get so much sex, I can fit two dicks at once, no problem!"

The second says, "Oh yeah? I get double- fisted every weekend and it feels great!"

They look at their third friend, and say...

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, you’re thinking—it’s psychic, moron!

I don’t want to brag

But I finished a puzzle in a week

And it says 2 to 4 years on the box

What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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Allison was bragging to her boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of her, boasting, her boss called her bluff, "OK, Allison, how about Reese Witherspoon?"

"No dramas boss, Reese and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Allison and her boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Reese Witherspoon's door, and Reese Witherspoo shouts,

"Allison! W...

Bragging about a dog

My friend Mike was talking about how well behaved his dog is. He said, " Why, I could set a steak down on the coffee table and leave the room and she would not even touch it".

I said, " Come on , Mike. Even I know you're a better cook than that".

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Three women were getting together for brunch and started bragging about their husbands.

"MY husband, " says the first " just took me on a vacation to France'" and she smiled while her friends congratulated her for her good fortune.

"Well my husband just bought me a new Lexus." says the second, receiving her accolades.

"Well. I don't know if it's a big deal or not," starts...

Three insurance salesmen, Al, Ben, and Carl, are bragging about their accomplishments.

"Last month," says Al, "when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. The next day, I put a check in the mail for his family."

"That's nothing," says Ben. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within 30 minutes. That very day, I personally d...

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Two cowboys are sitting in a bar, and bragging.

After finishing his glass of whisky, the first cowboy says to the second one while pointing at the window: "See this bucket of flower on the other side of the road, I can shoot at all the flowers faster than you can blink".

The other cowboy, denied: "That's impossible! The fastest in the Wes...

I don't mean to brag....

but cashiers are always checking me out.

The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...

Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work.

Nobody got higher than me.

Pigmy kids bragging

Most kids brag about how tall their fathers are, but pigmy kids brag about how small their fathers are.

One day three kids are playing when one says, "My dad's only 3'1"."

2nd kid says, "That's nothing. My dad's 2'11"."

The 3rd kid was quiet so they asked, How tall is your dad?...

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Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

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A Jewish man, a Frenchman, and an Italian man were bragging about their sex lives.

The Jewish man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butt...

Ageing: Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and remembered why I went in there

Granted, it was the bathroom, but still ...

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I never understood couples bragging about trying for kids.

You say "yea we have been trying for a child for months now"

I hear "Yea I've been doing HUGE Cum dumps in her pussy for Months. No luck yet"

I don’t normally brag about expensive places I’ve been

But I’ve just left the gas station.

I hate to brag but my cemetery is the most popular one in my entire county.

People are literally dying to get into it.

Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

Four buddies caught up for coffee many years after high school. Each bragging to the other how successful and wealthy they’ve become.

The first guy said, “See that bank building across the street? I am going to buy it within the next six months.”

The second guy then said, “See that hotel building next to the bank? I am going to buy it within the next month.”

Not wanting to lose out, the third guy quickly said, “See t...

Not to brag, but I feel like a God to my friends

Usually ignored of my existence until I am needed for something

An American and a Soviet general are at the UN and are bragging about who has the best soldiers.

The American says: "We train our men hard; our boys march 100 miles a day in basic training". The Russian says "Da, so what? Our soldiers march 200 miles a day and double on weekends".

The American retorts "Well... when our GIs march they do it carrying 90lb packs without so much as a complai...

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

Not to brag, but my wife hasn’t won argument with me since...

14-December-2020

My buddy was bragging about his Airpods...

He found it amazing that they seamlessly connect from his iPhone to his iPad when he changes devices. I told him that my Jabra does a pretty good job, but it doesn't always get it right because it's connecting to Android, Windows, and iOS devices so it's not an apples to Apples comparison.

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Bragging Doctors

Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."

Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more...

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers

The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad...

An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.

The American says: "I got 5 kids. Only one more and I have an complete ice hockey team."

The German replies: "You amateur. I got 10 kids. Only one more and I can send a complete foootball (soccer) team onto the filed."

The Arabian prince then replies: "That's nothing... I've got 17 wiv...

This guy I met on the bus was bragging about his wife.

He proudly says "See this picture of my wife, she is gorgeous".

So I tell him "Well, you should see my wife"

He replies "Why, is your wife pretty too"?

To which I reply "No, she's an optometrist"

I don't like to brag...

... about not bragging.

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

February 14th.

As a 46 year old man, I hate to brag, but I have the body of a 18 year old

I just wish I could remember where I buried it.

Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies.

Next year, it is the Rambos.

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

I don't mean to brag,

But I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years...

Three vampires are in a cabin in the woods...

The three vampires are sitting together in a cabin talking about their accomplishments as vampires.
Soon, they start to brag who's the best vampire. Then they suggest a competition: who can suck the most blood in the least time.

The first one leaves and returns after an hour, his lips ...

I kept on bragging to my hot girlfriend about how rich my father is.

They are married now.

A Frenchman, a Spaniard, an Italian, and an American, were bragging about who was the best lover.

The Frenchman began: "I made love to my wife four times last night, and the next morning she told me I was the greatest lover alive."

The Spaniard follows up: "I made love to my wife six times last night, and the next morning she told me no other man could ever compare to me."

The Ital...

Four little boys brag whose dad is the tallest.

The first boy says: my dad is taller than a tree!

The second boy says: my dad is taller than a mountain!

The third boy says: my dad is so tall that if he stands on the tips of his toes he can reach the stars!

The fourth boys says: and those are large?

\-Yeah.

\-R...

Three guys were sitting at a bar, having drinks and talking…

The first guy starts bragging and says, “I made love to my wife 4 times last night. She said in the morning that she loved each one more and more.”

The second guy chimes in and replies, “Oh, that’s nothing. I made love to my wife 8 times last night, and she told me in the morning that it’s t...

Not to brag or anything

but I don’t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14 day diet

...in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

Three billionaires are out golfing together

Suddenly, a ringing sound is heard. The first of the three pulls an earpiece out of his pocket and takes a call. When finished, he brags to the others about how fancy it is.

After some time, another phone starts ringing. The second man starts talking seemingly into this air. When asked, he ex...

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I don't like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.

It's almost up to 5 TB.

A farmer bragged to his friend about his smart chickens

"How do you know they're smart?"

"They love classical music! That's smarty-pants music right there."

"And how do you know that's what they like?"

"Every morning, I say to the chickens 'What music for today?' and they ask for their favorite composer: 'Bach, Bach, Bach!'"

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3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire bragging about all the adventures they’ve had over the years.

The first cowboy says, “I’ve gotta be the toughest cowboy out there. Just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and killed 3 men and I single handedly wrestled that bull to the ground.”

The second cowboy says, “that’s nothing. About 2 weeks ago I found this huge rattlesnake, so I grabb...

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3 rats are having a drink at the bar, bragging about how hardcore they are.

first rat says, "Guys, last night I ate a whole block of rat poison. woke up this morning, didn't even have a hangover."

"That's nothing," says the second rat. "I ate the cheese out of a rat trap today; the bar came down over my back and I just hoisted it hoisted it off and came here to meet ...

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"

Her friend asked, "What's the capital of France?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."

3 men are bragging about their countries

The American speaks first.

"Our missiles are so advanced that they cannot be detected by radar!"

"Ha," said the Russian. "Our missiles are so powerful that they can level Washington in 1 hit!"

"That's nothing," said the German. "Our missiles can hit Paris before France surrender...

Not many people can brag about getting a handjob from the barber after a haircut

but then again not many people cut their own hair.



Ba dum tiss.

The American and the Russian

Originally told by U.S. President Reagan in one of his speeches:

>An American and a Russian(before the fall of the Soviet Union) were bragging to one another.
>
>
>American: We have a lot of freedom of speech. We can just go to the White House, barge in the President...

Why did the McDonalds cashier beat up the customer and then strut around bragging about it until police arrived?

Someone ordered a McGregor

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp.

It beats telling them I'm a cashier at McDonald's.

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for that he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”

“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk ...

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I have to brag, I have sex almost every day...

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings.

One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

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A New Yorker, a guy from LA, and a Texan are sipping beers on a beach, and bragging about how much pussy they've gotten...

Guy from New York says, "In the Big Apple, you just walk up and buy a girl a drink, and you can stick your cock in her."

"That's nothing!" the guy from LA says. "Where I'm from, you just walk up and say *hi* to a girl, and you can stick yer cock in her."

Guy from Texas says, "Where I c...

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

My friend always brags about being able to turn cake into alcohol

He must be a fungi at parties...

I dont mean to brag about my drum jokes but um...

tsss

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A woman is constantly bragging about what a beautiful butt she has.

Every day, several times a day she brags to her husband, friends and family what a beautiful butt she has.
One day she decides to get B tattooed on each butt cheek so her husband is reminded what a beautiful butt his wife has.

Well after it's done she comes home, turns around, drops her p...

Old Women Bragging About Their Sons

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much a...

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I don’t like people who brag about their dick

I think they are too ego-testicle

My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving.

That’s a new low.

I hate when guys brag about their height online

It makes me six two my stomach.

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

Not Bragging

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

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A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska, and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska,
you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan
whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."

The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky f...

Two friends chat and one brags about his new car

“So I got a new Tesla Model X, it drives itself!”

“Nice! Where is it?”

“No idea...”

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A Gentlemanly Bragging Contest

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . .

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minute...

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve.

December 31st.

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A French, a British and an american naval engineer brag about their submarines.

All three of them are standing in a harbour, arguing.
The french engineer says:

"Ahh, le french submarine can stay submerged for five weeks and and we do not run out of croissants or red wine, they are magnefique!"

The Brit responds:

"Oh my dear chap, that is nothing. Her ...

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3 mothers are talking: a hen, a cow, and a bitch

They’re bragging about how important they are to humanity.

The hen says “I give people eggs, the most popular breakfast ever, and when I die I can feed a family for a night.”

The cow says “that’s nothing, my milk gets drank at any meal, humans make it into yogurt and all sorts of bak...

My dad always brags that his was the first profession to go completely digital.

He’s a proctologist.

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The appliances in a sexy woman's bathroom start arguing...

It all started when the bathtub was bragging he gets to see her naked everyday.
The sink piped up, "That's nothing. Daily oral. What guy could ask for more?"
The toilet flushed, "Amateur. I get both holes. Anal multiple times a day."
The tub, feeling like he shouldn't be beat by the toile...

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A wealthy village man, Narendra Singh, is elected the leader of a group of villages in North India

He decides to give a victory speech to each of these villages. To do this, however, he realized he would need a secretary to introduce him and brag about how great he is, because it would look stupid if he did it himself. So he hires Mohan Nath, a highly respected member of his own village.

M...

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Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

Two Roman Soldiers

2 Roman Soldiers are guarding an outpost, and begin bragging about their luck with women. The first soldier says to the other: "Dude, you wouldn't believe how many ladies I've gotten with just this month?

2nd soldier: "Mmm?"

1st soldier: "ok, well not *that* many."

Last night, I was listening to some guy bragging about his one night stand.

I was like, so what dude. I have two night stands; one on either side of my bed.

People brag about their car having great acceleration...

...but I think its just torque.

Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein...

...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.

I hate people who brag

I swear, the next person who brags in front og me will be mowed down by my brand new Lamborghini Aventador with extremely comfortable leather seats at max speed (218 mph)

I was bragging that I knew the hex code for every color, but then I forgot the one for blue

Yea, that was a big 0000FF

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One of my coworkers is always bragging about how much oral sex she gets.

She really likes to rub peoples' noses in it.

My friend always sprays spittle when he’s bragging

Weird flecks but ok

Three little boys were bragging about their dads

The first boy says "My dad's a fireman! He's so fast, he can throw his axe and run and catch it before it lands."

Second boy says "Oh, yeah? Well, my daddy is a police man. He's so fast, he can fire his gun and outrun the bullet!"

Third boy says "That's nothing. MY daddy works for th...

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other tw...

A group of chess-playing fanatics would gather each day in the hotel lobby to brag about their greatest victories.

There came a day when the hotel manager barred the group from the lobby because he couldn't stand to listen to a band of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

I don't usually brag about my finances

But my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding!

Englishman bragging, “My grandfather lived for 96 years and never used glasses”

Russian: Yes I know, some people in my family also drink directly from the bottle

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If you brag about the proportions of your dick on a date, carefully watch her reaction.

Because sighs matter.

My father was never proud of me.

When I was younger he sat me down and asked, "Son, why haven't you made anything of yourself? Done something with your life? Something I can brag about to the guys at work?"

And I looked up to him, sincerity in my eyes as I admitted, "Dad, I'm only 5 years old."

And he responded, "Son,...

I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff

Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus

EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery

A man brags before his friend : "I'm very fast at calculus !"

So his friend, curious now, asks :

\- 72043 divided by 17 ?

The man immediately replies :

\- 6.

\- But... that's wrong!

\- Yep. But it's fast!

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I like to brag about my penis being two inches. From the ground.

I’m told it’s not as impressive if I’m laying on my stomach.

I was bragging to my friends about how I had a date coming up with this hot girl...

My friends laughed and made fun of me, saying that she probably doesn't even exist.

But the joke's on them, because they don't exist either!

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My dad always bragged to us about his three pound shits

He was always so full of crap.

My friend was bragging that they broke the mold that made him.

I said, "yea, my parents are divorced too"

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

My friend was bragging in a bar about having an orgy at school when he was younger.

It would have been pretty cool, but we knew he was homeschooled.

I was in my hotel lobby, and I heard two chess Masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

( Credit to Thomas Sanders, this made me laugh, I thought other people should see it. )

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A friend was bragging that he shagged his math teacher....

..but he was home schooled!

A loyal employee, Skip, was bragging that he knew almost anyone in the world personally

Naturally, his boss took him up on the offer. He took him to a Chicago Bulls game, and walking into the tunnel, Michael Jordan recognized him and said "what's up Skip?". His boss naturally was impressed. So he took it a step further and went to the White House. President Bush immediately recognized ...

Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say...it’s a gift.

A rancher brags to a stranger in a bar

“It takes 3 hours to drive across my land”

The stranger nods sympathetically and replies:

“I used to have a truck like that.”

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My friend bragged that he can suck his own dick

I can\`t believe that he\`s so full of himself.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging...

...that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a whe...

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A Russian, an American, and an Irishman is in a bar, drinking and bragging (long)

The russian guy says: "in Russia, we have the biggest fleet in the world - if we put all our ships up, front to end on the atlantic, you could walk from Amstedam to New York"

The American says: "yes, but we have the largest airforce, if we flew all our planes over europe, the entire continent...

My brother keeps bragging about having an inside man.

I'm not sure whether to call the FBI on him or congratulate him on coming out of the closet.

My ex girlfriend couldn't stop bragging about my length and girth.

But she was just pulling my leg.

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