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Brag Jokes

My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun.

I wasn’t impressed, I’ve had a Canon printer for years!

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I don't like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.

It's almost up to 5 TB.

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Bragging About Sex

Three guys were sitting at the bar begin to brag about their sex life….

First guy said "You all have nothing on me. I come to the bar and bring home a different woman every night. Not only that but I drive a sports car into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1...

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An American, a Chinese and a Dane is bragging

The American starts: “We have the biggest Air force in the world. When all our planes takes off, there’s so many planes that not even a single sunbeam reaches the ground.”

The Chinese replies: “Well, but China has SO many ships! If all of our fleet sets sails at once, the ships would fill so ...

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

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Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”

Not to brag, but made six figures this year

They named me the worst employee at the toy factory

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

An Englishman, an American, and a Filipino brag about their inventions

Englishman: My new machine is the best. You just out a tobacco leaf inside, and out comes a pack of cigarettes.

American: That's nothing compared to my new machine. You just put in a whole live cow, and out comes several cans of corned beefs.

Filipino: That's it? Mine is the best. You ...

I don't want to brag, but I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 3 hours.

The box said 2 to 4 years.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging...

...that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a whe...

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A Gentlemanly Bragging Contest

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . .

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minute...

Ageing: Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and remembered why I went in there

Granted, it was the bathroom, but still ...

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

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A Jewish man, a Frenchman, and an Italian man were bragging about their sex lives.

The Jewish man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butt...

I don’t mean to brag

But cashiers are always checking me out.

A Slovenian, American and German are bragging, who has the fastest workers …

German says, we start developing a brand new Mercedes in August, I can already drive my wife in it to Octoberfest.

American says, that is nothing, we start building a new rocket in June 20th, on July 4th is already on the way to Moon.

Slovenian says ha, rookies, we start building a new...

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and k...

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I have to brag, I have sex almost every day...

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

I don't mean to brag about my financial skills but,

my bank calls me almost everyday to tell me my debt is outstanding

Not to brag, but I’m fluent in 10 languages.

English and Binary.

My brother was bragging about being a baker...

But it didn't bother me at all.

I don't have anything to prove.

Not to brag, but I aced the drug test at work today.

Nobody got higher than me.

Why does everyone always brag that they are “going to go unplugged for a while”

Wireless devices were invented decades ago.

I hate when people ride one accomplishment for their whole life and brag about it all the time

Like seriously, I don’t care if you went to the freaking Moon. Do something else with your life Buzz

A man brags to his friend that his dog can follow any command.

His friend decides to start with something simple. He picks up a stick, throws it, turns to the dog, and says, "Fetch!"

The dog doesn't move. In fact, he looks up at the friend and starts shouting, "Fetch, roll over, sit, stay, eat this, don't eat that! I can't stand being a dog anymore! I'm ...

Big game hunter brags..

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he ...

I once met a Welshman who bragged about his virility

I asked him how many partners he'd had and he said 'I dunno, everytime I count them I fall asleep'.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers

The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad...

Pigmy kids bragging

Most kids brag about how tall their fathers are, but pigmy kids brag about how small their fathers are.

One day three kids are playing when one says, "My dad's only 3'1"."

2nd kid says, "That's nothing. My dad's 2'11"."

The 3rd kid was quiet so they asked, How tall is your dad?...

I don't like to brag

But my psychologist said I have the biggest ego he's ever seen.

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One of my coworkers is always bragging about how much oral sex she gets.

She really likes to rub peoples' noses in it.

Not everyone can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut...

But then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other tw...

Bragging to me about being with my ex wife is the same as….

Bragging about eating a sandwich I threw in the dumpster

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Bragging Doctors

Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."

Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more...

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Three women are bragging about their conquests in a bar

The first one says,"I am so loose, I can fit my fist in my pussy!".

The second one responds with, "Oh yeah? I can fit both my fists in mine!".

The third woman laughs as she starts to slide down the barstool.

My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid……..

My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid ..

“State of the art” he said

“ it cost me an absolute fortune “”

“That’s brilliant dad , what type is it “???

“It’s 2:30 “he replied

Bragging about a dog

My friend Mike was talking about how well behaved his dog is. He said, " Why, I could set a steak down on the coffee table and leave the room and she would not even touch it".

I said, " Come on , Mike. Even I know you're a better cook than that".

3 men are bragging about their countries

The American speaks first.

"Our missiles are so advanced that they cannot be detected by radar!"

"Ha," said the Russian. "Our missiles are so powerful that they can level Washington in 1 hit!"

"That's nothing," said the German. "Our missiles can hit Paris before France surrender...

Three vampires are bragging to each other...

The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? Sucked him dry."

The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck ...

Three men bragging about getting their wives cars

Three men were at a bar and they were bragging to each other about who got their wife the best car One man says “I got her one that goes from 0 to 30 in about 10 seconds” The second guy says “that’s nothing I bought my wife one that goes from 0 to 40 in five seconds” the third guy said “well I bough...

“Snoring is just someone bragging about being asleep.”

I can’t take credit for this joke, but I am proud to say I’m married to one of the all time greatest braggers.

Not to brag, but I feel like a God to my friends

Usually ignored of my existence until I am needed for something

I don't want to brag, but when I take my clothes off...

the shower gets turned on.

I don't mean to brag, but I solved a puzzle in 10 minutes...

Even though the box said 2-4 years.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

It’s February 14th.

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff

Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus

EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein...

...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.

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A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska, and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska,
you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan
whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."

The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky f...

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Three men were bragging to each other at work

The first man said “After I made love to my wife last night she raised an inch off the bed”

The second said “That’s nothing, after I made love to my wife last night she raised a foot off the bed”

The third man said “I’ve beaten you both. After I made love to my wife last night I wiped ...

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what do you call a man who brags about having a big dick?

Ego-testicle

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

Not to brag or anything

but I don’t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

What's worse than hearing someone brag about how flexible they are?

Watching them toot their own horn.

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Two cowboys are sitting in a bar, and bragging.

After finishing his glass of whisky, the first cowboy says to the second one while pointing at the window: "See this bucket of flower on the other side of the road, I can shoot at all the flowers faster than you can blink".

The other cowboy, denied: "That's impossible! The fastest in the Wes...

I don't like to brag...

... about not bragging.

I don't usually brag about my finances

But my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding!

Not to brag

But I finished my six month diet in only ten hours

Three little boys were bragging about their dads

The first boy says "My dad's a fireman! He's so fast, he can throw his axe and run and catch it before it lands."

Second boy says "Oh, yeah? Well, my daddy is a police man. He's so fast, he can fire his gun and outrun the bullet!"

Third boy says "That's nothing. MY daddy works for th...

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3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire bragging about all the adventures they’ve had over the years.

The first cowboy says, “I’ve gotta be the toughest cowboy out there. Just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and killed 3 men and I single handedly wrestled that bull to the ground.”

The second cowboy says, “that’s nothing. About 2 weeks ago I found this huge rattlesnake, so I grabb...

Two friends chat and one brags about his new car

“So I got a new Tesla Model X, it drives itself!”

“Nice! Where is it?”

“No idea...”

My uncle is always bragging about his son, who works in the brass industry.

He’s my CuZn

When Bigfoot made love to Scarlett Johansson we expected him to brag about it.

Yeti remained humble.

Not Bragging

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

I was passing the community-centre and I overheard these board-game enthusiasts who were standing in the entrance, bragging to one another about their various accomplishments.

I do love the sound of chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer...

Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model...

They hired me as the "before" picture.

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A friend was bragging to me that he was having sex with both a girl and her twin.I asked,how can you tell them apart?

He replied,her brother has a moustache!

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Three female friends are at the bar, bragging about how much sex they get.

Somehow, this conversation gets to bragging about how loose they all are.

The first one says, "I get so much sex, I can fit two dicks at once, no problem!"

The second says, "Oh yeah? I get double- fisted every weekend and it feels great!"

They look at their third friend, and say...

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Three women were getting together for brunch and started bragging about their husbands.

"MY husband, " says the first " just took me on a vacation to France'" and she smiled while her friends congratulated her for her good fortune.

"Well my husband just bought me a new Lexus." says the second, receiving her accolades.

"Well. I don't know if it's a big deal or not," starts...

I met some chess players in the hotel lobby bragging about how good they were

It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second boy says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"

The third one listen...

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Edit: Alright I've got it lol, TIL churches have wi-fi

Edit 2: ok guys really I get it, churches have wif-fi, no need for every redditor to tell me, 200 is enough

Edit 3: I'm beginning to realise these edit...

I hate people who brag

I swear, the next person who brags in front og me will be mowed down by my brand new Lamborghini Aventador with extremely comfortable leather seats at max speed (218 mph)

Three men were sitting together bragging..

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties
The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clea...

Not to brag, but my wife hasn’t won argument with me since...

14-December-2020

Four little boys brag whose dad is the tallest.

The first boy says: my dad is taller than a tree!

The second boy says: my dad is taller than a mountain!

The third boy says: my dad is so tall that if he stands on the tips of his toes he can reach the stars!

The fourth boys says: and those are large?

\-Yeah.

\-R...

My buddy was bragging about his Airpods...

He found it amazing that they seamlessly connect from his iPhone to his iPad when he changes devices. I told him that my Jabra does a pretty good job, but it doesn't always get it right because it's connecting to Android, Windows, and iOS devices so it's not an apples to Apples comparison.

Not trying to brag or anything...

But I have never lost in the Olympics.

The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...

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The girl in the bar didn't believe me when i bragged that my cock can really test her gag reflex..

Back in my place, She immediately puked when she smelled it...

Have you heard of the guy who bragged about how he ate his clone?

He's just so full of himself.

Four buddies caught up for coffee many years after high school. Each bragging to the other how successful and wealthy they’ve become.

The first guy said, “See that bank building across the street? I am going to buy it within the next six months.”

The second guy then said, “See that hotel building next to the bank? I am going to buy it within the next month.”

Not wanting to lose out, the third guy quickly said, “See t...

An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.

The American says: "I got 5 kids. Only one more and I have an complete ice hockey team."

The German replies: "You amateur. I got 10 kids. Only one more and I can send a complete foootball (soccer) team onto the filed."

The Arabian prince then replies: "That's nothing... I've got 17 wiv...

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A kid comes home from the prom and takes his father aside and brags that he just experienced his first blowjob.

The kid's father, beaming, asks his son if he enjoyed it. The kid says "I loved it. But not a big fan of the taste."

I dont mean to brag about my drum jokes but um...

tsss

"I'm dating a biologist," said the man...

"And I don't like to brag, but when I go over to her place, she always has multiple organisms."

Old Women Bragging About Their Sons

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much a...

I never brag

You could say I'm the most humble person in the world.

This guy I met on the bus was bragging about his wife.

He proudly says "See this picture of my wife, she is gorgeous".

So I tell him "Well, you should see my wife"

He replies "Why, is your wife pretty too"?

To which I reply "No, she's an optometrist"

I hate when guys brag about their height online

It makes me six two my stomach.

A farmer bragged to his friend about his smart chickens

"How do you know they're smart?"

"They love classical music! That's smarty-pants music right there."

"And how do you know that's what they like?"

"Every morning, I say to the chickens 'What music for today?' and they ask for their favorite composer: 'Bach, Bach, Bach!'"

People brag about their car having great acceleration...

...but I think its just torque.

Three insurance salesmen, Al, Ben, and Carl, are bragging about their accomplishments.

"Last month," says Al, "when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. The next day, I put a check in the mail for his family."

"That's nothing," says Ben. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within 30 minutes. That very day, I personally d...

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Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".

to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the ...

I hate to brag but my cemetery is the most popular one in my entire county.

People are literally dying to get into it.

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Another three friends brag about sex.

Friend A starts "I won the lottery last month and now women keep having sex me, I've slept with at least one girl a night since!"

Friend B counters "Well I'm a model with over 2 million Instagram followers. I pick up several women a day all willing to have sex with me!"

Friend C, in a ...

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Fat chicks shouldn't brag about having big boobs.

Because it's like having a car that's fast because it's falling off a cliff.

A Texan is bragging to a New Yorker about how big Texas is ...

He says, "I can start driving at sunrise, and by sundown I'd still be in Texas." New Yorker says, "I had a car like that once."

I don't meant to brag,

but I'm the world champion in false modesty.

Three kids are outdoing each other bragging about their fathers....

First kid says: My dad is the fastest. He’s a drag racer and can do a quarter mile in 9.6 seconds

Second kid says: That’s nothing! My dad is a fighter pilot and regularly breaks the speed of sound.

Third kid says: My dad is heaps faster than both your dads. He’s a Council Worker. ...

I don’t mean to brag

But I once painted a self portrait of someone else.

A man was bragging about how good he was

He said that he was the time magazine's person of the year in 2006.

I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14 day diet

...in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

I couldn't help myself- before I knew what was happening, I found myself bragging about getting the new Nintendo console in 2006.

It was a Wii-flex.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

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A French, a British and an american naval engineer brag about their submarines.

All three of them are standing in a harbour, arguing.
The french engineer says:

"Ahh, le french submarine can stay submerged for five weeks and and we do not run out of croissants or red wine, they are magnefique!"

The Brit responds:

"Oh my dear chap, that is nothing. Her ...

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve.

December 31st.

I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp.

It beats telling them I'm a cashier at McDonald's.

Not many people can brag about getting a handjob from the barber after a haircut

but then again not many people cut their own hair.



Ba dum tiss.

I'd brag about my pride...

But I'd be lion.

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Three men bragging about their sons ....<long>

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in some time, gather at a bar to catch up. One man gets up to use the restroom, and the remaining three begin talking about their sons.

The first man says, "my son is my pride and joy, he started at the very bottom of a successful company, he studied ...

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Two Americans and a German gynecologist were having a drink...

After a few they start sharing stories from their professions. Since all 3 were gynecologists it soon became a brag-fest.

American 1: "I once had a patient who had a clitoris like a blueberry!"

American 2: "that's nothing, my last patient had one like a cherry!"

German: "I would...

My buddy brags that he’s 4 inches...from the ground.

I tell him it’s not impressive if it’s only true when he’s laying on his stomach.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"

Her friend asked, "What's the capital of France?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."

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