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Clot Jokes

What did the vein say to the pessimistic blood clot?

Ay, be positive.

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A man goes to a hospital and sees a man masturbating.

He asks the nurse why is he doing so. The nurse explains to him that if he doesn't masturbate every 6 hours there would be a clot and he would die. Then in the next room, he sees a nurse giving a blowjob to a guy. He then says, "You will have to explain this." The nurse replies, "Same problem better...

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A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

I think my heart is trying to kill me.

It's clotting against me.

What did the doctor say about the organ donor which died from a clotted artery?

"at least his death wasn't in vein"

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A man has a dangerous blood clot

And needs to have his leg amputated.

Unfortunately, the doctor amputates the wrong leg in surgery. Realizing his mistake while the patient is still under, he amputates the correct leg.

When he comes to, the Dr. says, "Mr. Jones, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is unfortun...

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I covered my girlfriend in flour, butter,milk, clotted cream and jam.

Boy was she mad... I guess hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

Two red blood cells are talking to two platelets...

One red blood cell says "I heard you two finally tied the clot!"

The other says "Coagulations!"

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

What was the last thing that went through Joseph Stalin’s mind before he died?

A blood clot

A man goes to the doctor for a follow-up on his Deep Vein Thrombosis

Doctor: "So I prescribed you blood thinners last month, have you been taking them?"

Man: "No. I have a great reason why not though"

Doctor: "Aaah! The clot thickens!"

My grandad said there’s gangs at his retirement village

The blood clots and the cripples

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A man is swerving all over the road gets pulled over by the cops...

The officer asks the man to do a breathalyzer test to which the man replies "Oh, officer I can't I have extreme asthma and I could go into a fit if I try to." The officer then asks him to come back to the station to do a piss test. The man then says, "I can't do that either, I have a severe test o...

A man is pulled over on the suspicion of drunk driving.

The officer comes up to the window and says "Son, I'm going to need you to take a breathalyzer test."

The man says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I can't do that."

"And why is that?"

"Well, you see sir, I'm an asthmatic. Blowing into one of those things would cause me to have an attack."...

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