UPJOKE
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Why was the bread acting clingy?

Because it kneaded attention

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An obituary

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.
Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrit...

Why are artisan bakeries so expensive?

Because the bakers knead the dough..

A baker was kneading some dough...

...and as he kneaded, he counted each fold, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve..."

The baker's wife interrupted, "You missed one there."

"No I didn't," replied the baker. "I'm making uneleavened bread."

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

I got a new job at a bakery.

I took the job because I kneaded the dough.

My sister while kneading dough:

"This hand workout dough!"

Why did the baker throw out his bread machine?

There was no knead for it.

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I...

What did the baker say when he got to know his yeast were dying?

Don't go. I knead you

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

What did the baker say when he found his lost dough?

That’s exactly what I kneaded!

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

I once worked at a cheap pizzeria to get by.

I kneaded the dough.

Why did the baker become a theif?

Because he kneaded the dough

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This Cake Day I really wanted to take a whisk.

But when I asked a baker for a good cake joke, he told me they are on a knead to know basis.

I was speechless and couldn’t even come with a good re-torte, I almost broke down in tiers.

So I did when any great man would do and called my mom who has always been my biggest flan, she liste...

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Why won’t Moses travel with Jews ever again?

Because they bring things that they don’t knead

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My wife is studying to become a massage therapist

All she wants to do is study and practice. I’ve got to cook, I’ve got to clean, it’s tough.

But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded

Why do Bakers need a separate toilet?

For when they knead a poo

Since its my cake day

I used to work at a very large balery known for making some of the most exquisite and famous cakes.

These cakes required a very intricate and delicate process to make them and involved a lot of processes and a secret recipe.

However in all my 20 years, the head baker never told me the ...

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

Why are rich people bad at running a bakery?

Because they don’t knead the dough

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

Some people like bread, sure. I mean, who doesn't want bread? But some people, like it enough to make their own...

Those people, they knead bread.

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Rectum Stretcher

I was on my way to work a few months ago and I'm going under an overpass. A cop pulls out, flips on the siren and sex lights, so we pull over. He sidles up to my window and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"35?" I ask, knowing it's a 35 mph zone.

"Radar has you going 37," h...

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo

Why did the baker rob the bank?

Because he kneads the dough.

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[NSFW] Why is dough horny?

Because it kneads to be bread

The anti-phonetic alphabet

I've been making a list for months of words that can be used to deliberately confuse people over the phone when phonetically reading out letters. Some letters like L are tough so I just added funny words to say.

A - aisle

B - bdellium

C - czar

D - Djibouti, Django, djemb...

Why did the Sourdough Man break up with the Baker?

He didn't feel kneaded anymore.

Everything is depressing, so you turns to making bread.

A friend came around and sees what you’re doing.
“Hey, nice bread”
You smiles feeling better.
“Thanks, I kneaded that”

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

Why are pizza makers always poor?

Because they knead dough to make a living.

What did the pastry chef say to his boss to get a raise?

I knead dough

Why is dough another word for money?

Because everyone kneads it.

I was forced to make bread in exchange for information

It was knead to know

My dad told me to stop petting the cat because its claws were starting to dig into his skin.

I kept petting the cat. Who am I to stop this poor soul from getting what it kneads?

I started working for a pizza company

I don't enjoy it, I just knead the dough

I whispered to my kids, "Have you all heard about the top secret bakery?"

They all looked at me blankly, so I replied, "I didn’t think so, it’s on a knead to dough basis."

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What is he happy about?

All the things he didn't know he kneaded.




Edit: Thought about it more. Initial phrasing was to bait out "happy ending" responses, but I feel like this would probably be better:

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What was he surprised by?

How much was knead...

What did the lonely ball of dough say?

Noone kneads me :(

My local pizza place is struggling to stay afloat

They really knead the dough

I bought a bread-maker but the sales assistant tried to talk me out of it

He said there was no knead

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough


I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

I had to start deliverin pizzas

Cause i knead the dough

A hero made of dough wasn't the hero we wanted...

He was the hero we kneaded.

Girl, your booty is like dough...

I knead it.

Bakers trade bread recipes...

on a knead-to-know basis.

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

Why do bakers start working so early in the morning?

Because they knead dough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

Did you hear about the guy who took a second job as a pizza chef?

He kneaded the dough

Girl I'm dating from the bakery is really selfish...

All she talks about is her knead's, it's really getting a rise out of me.

I just wanted cookies.

Why couldn’t the owner of the pizza joint retire?

He kneaded the dough.

What did the pizzeria owner say while having withdrawals?

Give me the dough, I KNEAD IT

Is the bakery hiring?

Cause I think I'll knead a little bit of dough to get by.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

Five years and she was leaving.

The dough was walking down the steps with her packed bag refusing to look back. The baker wanted to know what it was he had to say, but there were no words for him to find there. He reached a hand out at the air behind her and whispered, "Please, I knead you."

I can’t leave my cat

She kneads me.

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