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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

To make bread...

You knead dough

Why did the baker throw out his bread machine?

There was no knead for it.

A baker was kneading some dough...

...and as he kneaded, he counted each fold, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve..."

The baker's wife interrupted, "You missed one there."

"No I didn't," replied the baker. "I'm making uneleavened bread."

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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

What did the baker say when he got to know his yeast were dying?

Don't go. I knead you

I got a new job at a bakery.

I took the job because I kneaded the dough.

What did the baker say when he found his lost dough?

That’s exactly what I kneaded!

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

When is a bread not kneaded?

When it's unnecessary

My sister while kneading dough:

"This hand workout dough!"

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I...

I once worked at a cheap pizzeria to get by.

I kneaded the dough.

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Why won’t Moses travel with Jews ever again?

Because they bring things that they don’t knead

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

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My wife is studying to become a massage therapist

All she wants to do is study and practice. I’ve got to cook, I’ve got to clean, it’s tough.

But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded

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This Cake Day I really wanted to take a whisk.

But when I asked a baker for a good cake joke, he told me they are on a knead to know basis.

I was speechless and couldn’t even come with a good re-torte, I almost broke down in tiers.

So I did when any great man would do and called my mom who has always been my biggest flan, she liste...

Why do Bakers need a separate toilet?

For when they knead a poo

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[NSFW] Why is dough horny?

Because it kneads to be bread

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

Since its my cake day

I used to work at a very large balery known for making some of the most exquisite and famous cakes.

These cakes required a very intricate and delicate process to make them and involved a lot of processes and a secret recipe.

However in all my 20 years, the head baker never told me the ...

Why are rich people bad at running a bakery?

Because they don’t knead the dough

Why did the baker rob the bank?

Because he kneads the dough.

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo

Why did the Sourdough Man break up with the Baker?

He didn't feel kneaded anymore.

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

Some people like bread, sure. I mean, who doesn't want bread? But some people, like it enough to make their own...

Those people, they knead bread.

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Rectum Stretcher

I was on my way to work a few months ago and I'm going under an overpass. A cop pulls out, flips on the siren and sex lights, so we pull over. He sidles up to my window and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"35?" I ask, knowing it's a 35 mph zone.

"Radar has you going 37," h...

The anti-phonetic alphabet

I've been making a list for months of words that can be used to deliberately confuse people over the phone when phonetically reading out letters. Some letters like L are tough so I just added funny words to say.

A - aisle

B - bdellium

C - czar

D - Djibouti, Django, djemb...

Everything is depressing, so you turns to making bread.

A friend came around and sees what you’re doing.
“Hey, nice bread”
You smiles feeling better.
“Thanks, I kneaded that”

My dad told me to stop petting the cat because its claws were starting to dig into his skin.

I kept petting the cat. Who am I to stop this poor soul from getting what it kneads?

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

What did the lonely ball of dough say?

Noone kneads me :(

I was forced to make bread in exchange for information

It was knead to know

What did the pastry chef say to his boss to get a raise?

I knead dough

Why are pizza makers always poor?

Because they knead dough to make a living.

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What is he happy about?

All the things he didn't know he kneaded.




Edit: Thought about it more. Initial phrasing was to bait out "happy ending" responses, but I feel like this would probably be better:

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What was he surprised by?

How much was knead...

My local pizza place is struggling to stay afloat

They really knead the dough

I started working for a pizza company

I don't enjoy it, I just knead the dough

A hero made of dough wasn't the hero we wanted...

He was the hero we kneaded.

I whispered to my kids, "Have you all heard about the top secret bakery?"

They all looked at me blankly, so I replied, "I didn’t think so, it’s on a knead to dough basis."

I bought a bread-maker but the sales assistant tried to talk me out of it

He said there was no knead

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough


I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

Did you hear about the guy who took a second job as a pizza chef?

He kneaded the dough

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

Girl, your booty is like dough...

I knead it.

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

Why couldn’t the owner of the pizza joint retire?

He kneaded the dough.

Bakers trade bread recipes...

on a knead-to-know basis.

I can’t leave my cat

She kneads me.

Girl I'm dating from the bakery is really selfish...

All she talks about is her knead's, it's really getting a rise out of me.

I just wanted cookies.

Why do bakers start working so early in the morning?

Because they knead dough.

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Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

What did the pizzeria owner say while having withdrawals?

Give me the dough, I KNEAD IT

Five years and she was leaving.

The dough was walking down the steps with her packed bag refusing to look back. The baker wanted to know what it was he had to say, but there were no words for him to find there. He reached a hand out at the air behind her and whispered, "Please, I knead you."

Is the bakery hiring?

Cause I think I'll knead a little bit of dough to get by.

Why did Papa John sue Papa John's?

He kneaded the dough.

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