Knead Jokes - 38 Hilarious Knead Jokes

A baker was kneading some dough...

...and as he kneaded, he counted each fold, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve..."

The baker's wife interrupted, "You missed one there."

"No I didn't," replied the baker. "I'm making uneleavened bread."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

Did you hear about that new video game where you play a baker who's addicted to drugs?

It's called "Knead for Speed".

My sister while kneading dough:

"This hand workout dough!"

Bread is a heroic food

It rises to the occasion when it's kneaded the most.

What did the existential bread say when it was having a midlife crisis?

I knead some answers

A 50-year old woman is very pleased with her new facelift. (Long)

She goes to the bank and steps up to the counter. She asks the teller, "How old do you think I am?"

The teller looks her up and down and guesses 35.

"Nope, 50!" she says, and goes to Subway for lunch.

She asks the sandwich artist behind the counter, "How old do you think I am?"<...

Why are French bakers so masochistic?

They just knead to feel some pain.

Why don’t pretzels ever go out of style?

Because they are usually kneaded

I got a new job at a bakery.

I took the job because I kneaded the dough.

I'm the laziest baker ever, so I was actually happy when someone stole my sourdough.

Whoever it was, I'm sure they knead it more than I did.

A baker trainee is learning how to make bread.

While preparing the dough, he asks his boss: 'How do I know it no longer needs kneading?' 'As soon as your asscrack gets drippy with sweat', the boss says.

After a while, the trainee, tired of kneading, sticks his hand in his pants.
'No, not yet.'

A friend of mine knows I'm a baker and asked for a cake as a wedding present

I told him I can't do it for free I am sorry.

He asked why and I said

Sorry, I knead the dough...

Did you know Liberty Mutual customizes your home bread making experience?

You only pay for what you knead.

I saw on Wikipedia that dolphins can bake bread!

[cetacean kneaded]

Why did the baker have brown fingers?

Coz he kneaded a poo.

What did the hopeless romantic baker say to his dough?

l knead you.

What is a baker’s favorite song by “The Cars”?

“Just What I Kneaded”

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough

I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

Heard of the baker who fell in love with unbaked bread?

Asked about their love, he replies “this here is all I knead”

I asked my local baker the secret to making two loaves of bread at once...

He said "It's a knead two dough basis..."

My cousin died recently in an accident at the bakery....

He always said he wanted me to be a baker too, he told me I was bread for baking. I never tried it because I wanted to do it for the right reasons, not just because I knead the dough... then I found out that he was killed... a new baker put too much yeast in a large batch of dough and it rose too mu...

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This is an old one. RIP Pillsbury Doughboy

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was...

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I...

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

Why are pizza makers always poor?

Because they knead dough to make a living.

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

What did the baker say when he got to know his yeast were dying?

Don't go. I knead you

Some people like bread, sure. I mean, who doesn't want bread? But some people, like it enough to make their own...

Those people, they knead bread.

Why do Bakers need a separate toilet?

For when they knead a poo

Did you hear about the guy who took a second job as a pizza chef?

He kneaded the dough

The anti-phonetic alphabet

I've been making a list for months of words that can be used to deliberately confuse people over the phone when phonetically reading out letters. Some letters like L are tough so I just added funny words to say.

A - aisle

B - bdellium

C - czar

D - Djibouti, Django, djemb...

Bakers have a weird way of trading bread recipes.

Its done on a knead to know basis. Gotta get the dough somehow

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

Bakeries are very dependent on money

They knead the dough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

I can’t leave my cat

She kneads me.

Why did Papa John sue Papa John's?

He kneaded the dough.

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