Why do you want to work at this bakery?

I knead the dough

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

Some people like bread, sure. I mean, who doesn't want bread? But some people, like it enough to make their own...

Those people, they knead bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rectum Stretcher

I was on my way to work a few months ago and I'm going under an overpass. A cop pulls out, flips on the siren and sex lights, so we pull over. He sidles up to my window and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"35?" I ask, knowing it's a 35 mph zone.

"Radar has you going 37," h...

What did the pizza maker say before robbing a bank?

"I may love making pizza, but I still knead the dough."

The anti-phonetic alphabet

I've been making a list for months of words that can be used to deliberately confuse people over the phone when phonetically reading out letters. Some letters like L are tough so I just added funny words to say.

A - aisle

B - bdellium

C - czar

D - Djibouti, Django, djemb...

A baker was kneading some dough...

...and as he kneaded, he counted each fold, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve..."

The baker's wife interrupted, "You missed one there."

"No I didn't," replied the baker. "I'm making uneleavened bread."

Why is dough another word for money?

Because everyone kneads it.

What did the lonely ball of dough say?

Noone kneads me :(

Why did Homer get a job at a bakery?

He kneaded the doh

Made dill bread today

Really kneaded that dill dough

I was forced to make bread in exchange for information

It was knead to know

When is a bread not kneaded?

When it's unnecessary

My sister while kneading dough:

"This hand workout dough!"

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I...

Why are baking recipes so secretive?

They're on a knead the dough basis

My dad told me to stop petting the cat because its claws were starting to dig into his skin.

I kept petting the cat. Who am I to stop this poor soul from getting what it kneads?

What did the pastry chef say to his boss to get a raise?

I knead dough

My local pizza place is struggling to stay afloat

They really knead the dough

My local college has a scheme that lets student earn their tuition by working in the on campus bakery.

The opportunity isn't open to everyone. It's run on a strictly knead to know basis.

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

Did you hear about the guy who took a second job as a pizza chef?

He kneaded the dough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pillsbury Dough Boy has died...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughb...

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What is he happy about?

All the things he didn't know he kneaded.




Edit: Thought about it more. Initial phrasing was to bait out "happy ending" responses, but I feel like this would probably be better:

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What was he surprised by?

How much was knead...

I just got fired from my job at the bakery

Which is upsetting because I really kneaded the dough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a shit

I had to start deliverin pizzas

Cause i knead the dough

Why couldn’t the owner of the pizza joint retire?

He kneaded the dough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

I started working for a pizza company

I don't enjoy it, I just knead the dough

I can’t leave my cat

She kneads me.

Girl I'm dating from the bakery is really selfish...

All she talks about is her knead's, it's really getting a rise out of me.

I just wanted cookies.

Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash?

Because he didn't knead it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

What did the pizzeria owner say while having withdrawals?

Give me the dough, I KNEAD IT

I bought a bread-maker but the sales assistant tried to talk me out of it

He said there was no knead

Why are pizza makers always poor?

Because they knead dough to make a living.

I whispered to my kids, "Have you all heard about the top secret bakery?"

They all looked at me blankly, so I replied, "I didn’t think so, it’s on a knead to dough basis."

Girl, your booty is like dough...

I knead it.

Why did Papa John sue Papa John's?

He kneaded the dough.

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough


I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

Bakers trade bread recipes...

on a knead-to-know basis.

I really want to make a joke about unfinished dough

But its not kneaded.

Why do bakers start working so early in the morning?

Because they knead dough.

Five years and she was leaving.

The dough was walking down the steps with her packed bag refusing to look back. The baker wanted to know what it was he had to say, but there were no words for him to find there. He reached a hand out at the air behind her and whispered, "Please, I knead you."

A baker approaches a crime scene and asks the cop what happened...

"Sorry, that's on a knead to dough basis."

A worker in a bakery asked his boss for a raise.

When asked to provide a reason why, he replied, "I knead the dough."

People often ask me why I decided to become a baker.

It's because I knead the dough.

Bread is classified information!

It's on a knead-to-dough basis.

A baker was training his protege in the kitchen.

The protege gets hungry and starts eating some dough he found on the counter. The baker gets mad and yells, "Hey! I kneaded that!"

A guy was in a bakery and accidentally pushed open the door to the back room.

To his surprise, he saw one of the bakers lying down naked on a counter, kneading bread dough on his chest. The guy turned and said to another baker, "That's the oddest thing I have ever seen." The baker replied, "You should see him make the doughnuts!"

I understand why bakers are addicted to baking bread.

Sometimes they just knead it.

Bakers have a weird way of trading bread recipes.

Its done on a knead to know basis. Gotta get the dough somehow

Is the bakery hiring?

Cause I think I'll knead a little bit of dough to get by.

Bakeries are very dependent on money

They knead the dough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Timmy's 10th birthday.

It was Timmy's 10th birthday. As it happens, his parents never really cared a lot about Timmy and Timmy, knowing this, wasn't expecting much of his special day. He got up in the morning, much against his will, to find his parents in their daily routine. "Hi kiddo" was as much as his dad ever bothere...

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