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Petting Jokes

Chuck Norris was petting a tiger.

Suddenly the tiger began to utter a soft growl. The trainer said, "get up slowly and back away." So, the tiger did.

Saw a clip of Chuck Norris telling this himself.
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Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.
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Heavy Petting Zoo

Wife comes home to hearing disturbing squealing noises from the upstairs bedroom. She hesitates for a minute as her mind jumps to the very worst horrific possibility of her already shattered excuse of a marriage; then proceeds to venture up the stairs closer and closer to the sloppy wet splashing an...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

A monkey escaped from the petting zoo.

He rode out the gates on the back of a baby sheep.
Authorities have stated that he is on the lamb.
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I was petting a three legged cat the other day and it's owner came outside

I asked if the cat was for sale

He said he'd give me 25% off
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What do you get when you mix Human DNA and Goat DNA?

A stern police warning and a lifetime ban from the petting zoo
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I can't believe that I got kicked out of the petting zoo for being sick

I was only feeling a little horse
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys walk past a dog that is licking his balls

One man says, "I wish I could do that". The other guy says, "Maybe you should try petting him first".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone loves petting a dog when they're sad

But you ask one crying girl to scratch your ass for you and suddenly you're the bad guy.

I went to a children's petting zoo once.

So many angry parents.
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At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things.

The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,

The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,

And the fat cow gives out homework.
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Did you hear about that one animal who was blamed for freeing all his friends at the petting zoo?

He was an escapegoat
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Gave a sales pitch at a petting zoo today

They were eating out the palm of my hand
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My son fed half of the petting zoo.

That was the best way to dispose of the body.
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