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Goldfish Jokes

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…

He sure wags his tail a lot…

I took my goldfish to the vet.

“He’s having seizures.”

The vet responded, “He looks fine to me.”

“Sure,” I said, “but wait until I get him out of the bowl.”

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank...

One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"

What is the difference between children and goldfish

Goldfish smile when you eat them

A man catches a goldfish...

The goldfish tells the man:

'Look, I'm going to be straight forward with you. You can let me go right now and receive a wish. But just so you know, I'm not like those other goldfish... I grant only 1 wish, and you better pick wisely, because sometimes, people are better off without their ...

I have the attention of a goldfish

Seriously, its been watching me for hours

My friends Goldfish died the other day So I surprised her and got her an identical one!

She was furious saying “what am I supposed to do with two dead goldfish?”

Irishman and the goldfish... again

The Irishman caught a goldfish
"Let me go and I will fulfill your three wishes" - she says.
"OK." says the Irishman "so be it I will let you go..."
"Come on, tell me what you'd like," says the fish, and he thinks and nothing comes to mind... he only remembers that he's thirsty and say...

Either my wife genuinely thinks she's a goldfish...

Or she's just acting Koi.

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

A man goes to his veterinarian and complains, "I think my goldfish is having seizures."

"He seems fine now," the doctor replies. "Yeah," the man says, "but just wait until I take him out of the bowl."

I went into a pet shop and asked to buy a goldfish

The guy asked if I want an aquarium. I told him I don't care what the star sign is

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A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.

Then Ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- I...

My goldfish died.

And I only got to take him on one walk.

Goldfish 1: knock knock

Goldfish 2: who's there
Goldfish 1: who's where
Goldfish 2: what

Why did the goldfish act randomly?

It was RNG.

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Be careful what you wish for…

A man caught a goldfish and as always...

- "Let me go and I will grant you a wish"! - said the goldfish.

- "But I don't need anything: I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars,
a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" - he say...

The fisherman caught a goldfish.

And the fish says: I will fulfill your 3 wishes, just let me go.

The fisherman says: Good. My first wish is - I want 100 of these wish-granting fish.

I think my pet goldfish has epilepsy.

He’s ok swimming around but take him out to play he has a fit.

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As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown.

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies "I'm burying my gol...

What should you do if you see a goldfish with horns?

Go to an optician

Hockey players are like goldfish

The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

What would goldfish be called if they were a street drug?

The crack that smiles back

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A nerd went fishing and caught a very small goldfish...

She spoke with human voice to him, beging to be left alive because she is so young, and if he lets her go, she will grant him a wish. The nerd thought a litle and said "Ok, i will let you go, but don' t let me die a virgin" . This is how he gained immortality....

I was eating a bag of Goldfish the other day

With horror, the Petco worker asked me to leave the store.

My little brother won a goldfish at the local fair. Sadly, the next morning he was floating dead in his little pond.

So now I have to look after the fish.

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A Little girl was digging a hole in her back yard.

When her neighbour said, hello Daisy what you digging a hole for?

Daisy replied, I am burying my goldfish, neighbour said, that is a very big hole for a goldfish why so big? Daisy replied.

Because it's inside your fucking cat.

Looking back, I now realise how cruel I was, as a child, making our cat play with one of the goldfish.

He nearly drowned

Why does the goldfish start fading to white?

Too much artifishal coloring.

A Russian, an American, and an Englishman catch a goldfish while fishing on a boat

The goldfish pleads to them: “C’mon guys, I have a family down there, don’t eat me! Here’s what I’ll do for you, wherever you want to go, just say the place and jump off of the boat into the water, the very next moment you’ll be there.”

The Russian comes forward and says: “I’ve missed my dear...

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

**EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that...

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on a floor

But only for like twenty seconds

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

Paddy the Irishman took his goldfish to the vet...

... and says to the vet,
"Doctor, my goldfish is very sick! I think he may have epilepsy."

The vet has a quick look at the fish, and after a few seconds he says, "Well, Paddy, your fish looks fine."

Paddy then replies, "Oh wait Doc, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet!"

Goldfish

One day, baby goldfish went to ask him father :
"Dad, why do our memories only last for 3 seconds?"
"What son?"
"What?"

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The average male goldfish

Forgets about sex every 7 seconds

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A family of three catches a goldfish

The fish tells them that if they let it go, he will grant each one a wish. The mom and dad decide to let their kid go first with the wish.

Kid: "I want a hedgehog"

Father: A MOTHERFUCKING hedgehog?

Mother: GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OF ME!

And the fish was free

How did one goldfish get the attention of another goldfish?

He yelled, "A u, fish!"

Where do GOLDfish keep there money?

At the river bank!!!

My grandpa died yesterday. Here's one of my favorite jokes he told. What are your favorite grandpa jokes?

Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbour's little daughter was digging a hole. "Sally what are you doing with that shovel?" asked Ms.Robinson. "My goldfish died, s...

If everyone had the memory of a goldfish.

I forgot where I was going with this.....

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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster schucker and a diahrettic prostitute?

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster schucker and a diahrettic prostitute?
- The epileptic oyster schucker shucks between fits.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
- the pickpocket spends all day snatching watches.

What's the difference ...

A man takes his goldfish to the vet

A man takes his pet goldfish to the vet and says "I think my goldfish has Epilepsy".

The vet conducts a thorough examination of the goldfish. Then he says to the man "I can't find anything wrong with this goldfish. I don't think it has Epilepsy."

To which the man replies "well you ha...

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Paddy says to Mick. I have bought 2 goldfish.

Mick says have you got names for them? Paddy replies, I call that one, One and the other one I call Two. Mick says why the fuck have you called them that.? Paddy says, well if one dies I will still have two.

A goldfish walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

The fish suddenly began to glance around nervously. "Oh, my God," it muttered. "How long have I been here?"

I have the memory of a goldfish

And a Nobel prize for inventing the device that could extract it.

HER GOLDFISH DIED

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when Her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I`ve just buried him." Th...

What do you call a Goldfish cracker cooked on a stove?

A gilled cheese

What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?

Goldfish like to muck around the fountain.

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Little Johnny....

Mr Wilkins stepped out into his back yard, and heard sobbing sounds coming from over the fence next door.

Curious, he looked over and saw young Johnny, eyes puffed up and tear stains on his cheeks, patting down a large mound of earth with his plastic spade.

"Hey Johnny," Mr Wilkins inq...

When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster...

Poor little guy drowned in seconds..

So a blonde girl takes her goldfish to the vet...

...and she says to the veterinarian, "Hey, I think my goldfish has epilepsy; it has these awful seizures!"

The veterinarian takes one look at the fish and replies, "Well, it looks alright to me."

The blonde replies angrily, "Well Jesus, let me get it out of the bowl first!"

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A man finds a goldfish and it grants him one wish.

So he tells the goldfish: "I want to be able to urinate vodka". So the goldfish grants his wish, and he quickly goes back to him cabin to see if it's true. He opens his door and yells at his wife "HONEY! Get me a glass!", and so she does. He pisses in his glass and drinks it, and much to his surpris...

Ever heard of the goldfish that went bankrupt?

Now he's a bronzefish.

Are you a goldfish? Because you’re the snack that smiles back

A cute pickup line for you an me, a sick joke Hannibal lecter would say.

A man walks into a bakery with a goldfish in a bowl under his arm and says “Do you have fish cakes?” The lady behind the counter replies, “No”.

That’s a shame he says “It’s his birthday.”

My Dad always calls me goldfish...

I forget why

Hi, I'm a goldfish! Let me share the story of what it is like to live in a bowl all your life!

But give me a moment, okay? I completely forgot what I was going to tell you.

The 15 year old Goldfish I won at a Carnival, died the same day my Grandpa did 15 years ago today.

The Goldfish wasn't as easy to drown in a bowl of food.

Why can't Timmy ride a bike?

Because Timmy is a goldfish.

(My 8 year old's favorite joke.)

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Goldfish, man, you made me so happy, I'll do anything for you...

This is long, so bear with me.
So I was fishing at this pond close to home, see. And all day I was fishing, with nothing biting. Just as the sun was setting, something was finally tugging and wouldn't you know, the most brightly coloured gold FISH(!) was at the end of my fishing string. And w...

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

What do Donald Trump and Goldfish have in common?

They're both tasteless orange crackers

I'm going to buy my Dungeon Master a goldfish

So I can carp a DM

A blonde takes her goldfish to the vet...

And she tells the receptionist that she needs to see the vet right away. So the vet comes out and the blonde woman tells him that he has been having seizures.

The vet looked the fish over and said "Well, he looks okay to me,"
and the blonde replies "No, no, you've got to take him out of t...

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

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