Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.

Do you know how to drive this thing?

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I've had my goldfish for a year now and it still hasn't learned how to use the litterbox

i think it might be retarded

I bought goldfish today and named them One and Two

That way if One dies I still have Two

Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank next to a pile of shells...

One turns to the other and asks "Do you have any ideas about how we can load the gun on this thing?"

I was eating a bag of Goldfish the other day

With horror, the Petco worker asked me to leave the store.

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A man finds a goldfish and it grants him one wish.

So he tells the goldfish: "I want to be able to urinate vodka". So the goldfish grants his wish, and he quickly goes back to him cabin to see if it's true. He opens his door and yells at his wife "HONEY! Get me a glass!", and so she does. He pisses in his glass and drinks it, and much to his surpris...

If everyone had the memory of a goldfish.

I forgot where I was going with this.....

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet

...and says "i think my fish is epileptic",the vet looks and says "he looks fine to me.paddy replies,"hang on,i haven't taken him out of the bowl yet".

Hockey players are like goldfish

The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

What do you call a Goldfish cracker cooked on a stove?

A gilled cheese

Goldfish are like anti vax kids...

...they're lucky if they last a year.

My Memory is like a Goldfish.

Like a Goldfish, all my memories start with water in front of my eyes.
Just some aqueous humor for you guys.

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on a floor

But only for like twenty seconds

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

Why did the goldfish visit the behavioural therapist?

He was acting unusually fish-ous

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The average male goldfish

Forgets about sex every 7 seconds

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A family of three catches a goldfish

The fish tells them that if they let it go, he will grant each one a wish. The mom and dad decide to let their kid go first with the wish.

Kid: "I want a hedgehog"

Father: A MOTHERFUCKING hedgehog?

Mother: GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OF ME!

And the fish was free

Putin caught a goldfish

And then he let it go. Goldfish asked "What about three wishes?" Putin said "Ok, what do you want?"

The 15 year old Goldfish I won at a Carnival, died the same day my Grandpa did 15 years ago today.

The Goldfish wasn't as easy to drown in a bowl of food.

I have the memory of a goldfish

And a Nobel prize for inventing the device that could extract it.

A man catches a goldfish...

The goldfish tells the man:

'Look, I'm going to be straight forward with you. You can let me go right now and receive a wish. But just so you know, I'm not like those other goldfish... I grant only 1 wish, and you better pick wisely, because sometimes, people are better off without their ...

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…

He sure wags his tail a lot…

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As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"
Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."
Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"
Susie replies "I'm burying my gold fish."
...

I was hosting a funeral for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"

I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

A man takes his goldfish to the vet

A man takes his pet goldfish to the vet and says "I think my goldfish has Epilepsy".

The vet conducts a thorough examination of the goldfish. Then he says to the man "I can't find anything wrong with this goldfish. I don't think it has Epilepsy."

To which the man replies "well you ha...

My goldfish died.

And I only got to take him on one walk.

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Goldfish, man, you made me so happy, I'll do anything for you...

This is long, so bear with me.
So I was fishing at this pond close to home, see. And all day I was fishing, with nothing biting. Just as the sun was setting, something was finally tugging and wouldn't you know, the most brightly coloured gold FISH(!) was at the end of my fishing string. And w...

A Goldfish has memory for up to 5 months

The average gamer has memory for about 24 hours

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A Russian guy catches a goldfish [NSFW]

She grants him three wishes.

Russian asks for a beer glass that never empties.

So the fish grants him that.

The Russian enjoys his infinite beer and asks for 2nd wish:
"Give me a woman, but a midget, at height of my waist, so she can blow me while standing"

So... the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’

I said ‘I don’t care what fucking star sign it is’.

Where do GOLDfish keep there money?

At the river bank!!!

What do Donald Trump and Goldfish have in common?

They're both tasteless orange crackers

Ever heard of the goldfish that went bankrupt?

Now he's a bronzefish.

A man took his goldfish to the vet.

"I think that my goldfish is epileptic!" said the man.

"He seems okay; he doesn't look epileptic." replied the vet.

"Well I haven't taken him out of the tank, yet!"

I'm going to buy my Dungeon Master a goldfish

So I can carp a DM

Seeing as you guys are liking these at the moment, What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat?

One mucks around in fountains.

Goldfish

One day, baby goldfish went to ask him father :
"Dad, why do our memories only last for 3 seconds?"
"What son?"
"What?"

Paddy the Irishman took his goldfish to the vet...

... and says to the vet,
"Doctor, my goldfish is very sick! I think he may have epilepsy."

The vet has a quick look at the fish, and after a few seconds he says, "Well, Paddy, your fish looks fine."

Paddy then replies, "Oh wait Doc, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet!"

When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster...

Poor little guy drowned in seconds..

How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the G.

How did one goldfish get the attention of another goldfish?

He yelled, "A u, fish!"

So a blonde girl takes her goldfish to the vet...

...and she says to the veterinarian, "Hey, I think my goldfish has epilepsy; it has these awful seizures!"

The veterinarian takes one look at the fish and replies, "Well, it looks alright to me."

The blonde replies angrily, "Well Jesus, let me get it out of the bowl first!"

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

​

Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.

​

Parrots are like America. They bli...

A blonde takes her goldfish to the vet...

And she tells the receptionist that she needs to see the vet right away. So the vet comes out and the blonde woman tells him that he has been having seizures.

The vet looked the fish over and said "Well, he looks okay to me,"
and the blonde replies "No, no, you've got to take him out of t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

My Dad always calls me goldfish...

I forget why

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Two builders go into the pub (L)

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.

"Looks more like a ...

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The Logical Scientist

Two Aussie builders (Keith & Ken) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Ken: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Keith: - No ...

One day Jim exists his house and

He sees John with a huge rock in the yard. "Where did you get the rock?" Asks Jim. John answers that there is a goldfish in the pond nearby, and if he manages to catch him, it will grant him a wish. The only problem is that the goldfish has hearing problems, so he will need to speak clearly and loud...

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Lizards

Lizard Birth

If you've raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!


I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinn...

A boy was digging a hole in his yard

The neighbor walks up to him and asks why he's digging a hole.

And the boy says "My goldfish died."

The neighbor replied "Oh, I'm so sorry. That hole looks awfully big for a goldfish, though."

The boy turns around at the neighbor and says "Oh, I know. It's because my fish was in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: A collection of other [spoonerisms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoonerism) for your reading pleasure. And stop giving me sh... about not fu... cussing...

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Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An older woman heard someone digging in the backyard of the house next door.

She leaned over the fence and saw her neighbor's little girl digging a hole.

"Hi Nancy" she said "what's the hole for?"

Nancy sobbed and said "My goldfish died and I'm burying it."

The woman said, "Ha-ha, silly girl, that hole's way too big for a goldfish."

The little ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor of logic

Two Irish men are sitting down in a pub. They notice a man walk in with an amazing suit on. They both start talking about what job he has. So one of the Irishmen goes over and asks what job he has.

Irishman-"Excuse me mate, that's a lovely suit you've got there, could I ask you what job you h...

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

**EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Tale of the Fisherman and the... Shark

A fisherman pulls up a shark. The shark start begging for his life:
"If you release me back to sea, I'll grant you a wish!".

The fisherman who has heard the "The Tale of the Fisherman and the Gold Fish" starts laughing: "You are not even a goldfish... why should I trust you?"

The s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man looks over his fence and sees a young girl digging a hole ...

A man looks over his fence and sees a young girl digging a hole ...

"*What ya doing love*?" he asks, holding his head above the fence.

"I'm burying my goldfish ..." she replies.

Saddened by this, the man says "*Ohhhh* ... I'm sorry to hear that. But that's an awfully big hole ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long, but original] Two brothers are catching up over a drink...

The older brother Dave is successful, hard-working and married with a family, a dog and a cat. The younger brother Mike is a real nice guy, but he's kind of a fuck-up. Having been too busy to catch up for weeks, they decide to meet up at the local bar.

Dave says, "Man, I'm sorry we haven't ...

My grandpa died yesterday. Here's one of my favorite jokes he told. What are your favorite grandpa jokes?

Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbour's little daughter was digging a hole. "Sally what are you doing with that shovel?" asked Ms.Robinson. "My goldfish died, s...

A guy takes a girl to the state fair for their first date.

The guy asks her what she wants to do, she says, "I want to get weighed." So they visit the weighing booth, where the worker attempts to guess her weight. He guesses wrong the first time, and she gets a teddy bear.

They get some funnel cake and play whack-a-mole, until the guy asks again, "I'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A collection of jokes I created when I was 11. Prepare for the wittiest jokes you will ever hear.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I've had an accident!
Doctor: The restrooms are down the hall.

What did the old tornado use to walk?
A hurri-cane!

What's the strongest shellfish?
A mussel!

What kind of fish do you find in a mine?
A goldfish!

Why did the puck ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bury the dead!

One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Logician

Two men were sitting in a bar one night looking over at a well dressed man standing at the opposite end of the bar. One of the men said "I bet he's a Doctor" whilst the other man says "I bet he's a Lawyer".

Eventually one of the men decides to go and ask him, otherwise it will bug them all ni...

A young boy is digging a hole in his garden...

A neighbour walks past and says "what's the hole for?"

The boy replies "my goldfish has died"

The neighbour responds, "it's a rather big hole isn't it?"

The boy replies once more "well yes, its got to fit your cat in it!"

A man takes his son to see the fortune teller at the carnival

After looking at the crystal ball for a bit, the old gypsy woman is noticeably crestfallen.
"You poor bad-luck child. Tomorrow your pet will die, the week after that your best friend dies, and finally in a fort night your father will die."

The father and son are both shocked and the fath...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

About a Russian fisherman

A Russian fisherman named Boris goes fishing one day.

He catches a goldfish, which says "Don't eat me! If you let me go, I'll grant you one wish."

Boris replies "Alright, I want to piss Vodka"

The goldfish grants his wish, and Boris lets it go.

When he comes home, his wif...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into an ice cream shop...

A man walks into an ice cream shop. "I will have a gallon of chocolate ice cream."

"Sorry, we are all out of chocolate," says the clerk.

"In that case I will have a quart of chocolate ice cream."

"Listen, we don't have any chocolate."

"Well, in that case I will have a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fish jokes

One fish says to the other, “You drink like a fish.”
The other fish responds, “So do you.”

What did the sardine call the submarine?
A can of people.

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.

What fish is best to have in a boat?
A Sailfish.
<...

My wife wants to have a kid...

I bought her a goldfish and told her to wait a few million years.