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Apple/orchard jokes needed!

I work at an apple orchard as an orchardist. I also tent to narrate the hay rides a lot. I've tried to Google apple jokes but could only find two decent ones.

What is darth vaders favorite apple? Empire apples

Why did the chicken cross the orchard? To get to the other cider

Tho...

Why did the chicken cross the orchard ?

To get to the other cider..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the prostitute get angry after having sex in an apple orchard?

Because her client came in cider.

Don't you know how to say orchard in polish?

It's sad

Went speed dating at an orchard today.

Apple'd

One morning the Viceroy of India went to visit his old army pal Major Barrington, who owned an orchard.

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther...

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour.

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Sherlock and Watson were walking through an orchard...

As they walk Watson keeps asking Sherlock to identify the trees they are seeing. After some time they approach a clearing and in the centre is a lone tree.
Watson asks "Sherlock what is that tree with yellow skinned fruit?"
Sherlock smiles and replies "That's a lemon tree, my dear Watson"

Did you hear about the guy who tried to grow an apple orchard without trees?

His efforts were fruitless

I drank a bunch of Angry Orchard and called my broker

I guess you can say I did some in-cider trading

A walk through an apple orchard.

A man is walking through an apple orchard when he spots a farmer and some pigs by an apple tree.

He notices the farmer pick up a pig and hold it mid-air until the pig had finished an entire apple, then set the pig back down on the ground.

The man watches the farmer repeat this a few ...

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Three guys are attempting to steal fruit from a farmers huge orchard

The farmer catches them and, holding them at gunpoint, makes a deal. They’re to go out and find three of any fruit and bring it back to him.

The first guy gets back with three apples and the farmer tells him “if you can shove all three up your ass I’ll give you all the food you can eat, but ...

My friend told me he wanted to plant an orchard.

I told him to grow a pear.

I went to an apple orchard today. I had a lot of fun but I kind of embarrassed myself in front of the attractive tour guide.

Yeah, I slipped in cider.

Did you know they buried Steve Jobs in an orchard?

Yep. He's still pushing apples.

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away…

I grew a whole damn orchard and still can’t get rid of these medical bills

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler.

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler. After a while, the handler received a letter in the mail. It told her the spy has been compromised, but, before his capture, he'd snuck out some very important government secrets. He'd used the world's smallest memory card to co...

My Father-In-Law ,who is turning 90, told me this joke. I couldn't believe it.

A girl was picking fruit in an orchard. The fruit she wanted was so high up she need to climb a ladder to get it. Because the ladder was not steady she asked a man if he would be a gentleman and brace the ladder while she climbed it, and he agreed. When she made it to the top she looked down and ...

Swimming Prohibited

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming wa...

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Three men die and go to heaven

The angel ushering them in welcomes them and tells them they can do what they want, but they will be punished if they swear or curse.

One of the men decides to go see the sights of Heaven, traveling an idyllic mountain path, he sees a waterfall more beautiful than anything he's seen on Earth,...

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There's an old saying that goes: "The one who plants tamarinds, won't harvest tamarinds"

This is because this tree takes about 80-90 years to bear fruits.
Once, a young man found an old man planting tamarinds and he asked:
Grandpa, why are you planting tamarinds if you're never gonna harvest them?
Wisely, the older replied with a big smile:
Why don't you go and fuck ...

Where's the best place to hide from a doctor?

An apple orchard.

What do you get when you cross an orchard with a concentration camp?

apple juice

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor put me on an extremely strict diet of fruit, vegetables, and protein.

My wife’s totally behind it, but I’m allowed one cheat-day so on Mondays when we go to her family’s I nip out into the orchard and fuck her sister.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Amazing non-Antisemitic Joke About the Rich Jew

This is a long joke.

There were two Jew friends: one of them was rich, and he lived in the city; the other one was poor, and he lived in a village. At one point, the poor Jew happened to visit the rich Jew in the city.

The rich Jew invited the poor Jew to the opera, to theaters, and to...

Sherlock Holmes & John Watson were riding along in a carriage.

They went past a fruit orchard with numerous trees laden with apples. One odd tree stood out from the rest.

Watson was curious, "What's that Holmes?"

Sherlock replied, "A Lemon Tree, my dear Watson."

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Son: "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."

Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."


Dad: "I slipped in cider."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] where's the best place to have sex?

In an Apple orchard, you always get to cum in cider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

The Purple Pirate

This is not a good joke, my Dad told it to me years ago and I haven't seen it here yet.

There was once a purple pirate who sailed the 7 purple seas. One purple day, as the sky was clear and purple the purple pirate landed his purple ship on a purple island.

The Purple pirate explored t...

The Illiterate Farmer

A group of learned professors chose to spend a relaxing vacation at a remote farm - far from the maddening crowd of the city they lived in.

Their host was a simple farmer who had never seen the inside of a school.

The professors were astonished to see the order and discipline by which ...

A travelling salesman was driving down a back road...

...when he saw a man in overalls, standing in an orchard, holding something that looked quite heavy up next to an apple tree. He decided to pull over and see what was going on.

He climbed over a fence and, as he got nearer, he realized that a farmer was holding a huge pig up about shoulder h...

Pig Feeding

A guy's driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he's doing is he's taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the ...

Thorbeaux and Dreaux

I heard this somewhere else but really wanted to share

Thor and Dreaux were out one day under the hot summer sun digging a Ditch around an apple orchard, for their boss John. After a few hours of making the ditch, deaux turns to Thor and asks :
"Hey Thor, why are we here diggin a ditch and...

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