Orchard Jokes

I work at an apple orchard as an orchardist. I also tent to narrate the hay rides a lot. I've tried to Google apple jokes but could only find two decent ones.

What is darth vaders favorite apple? Empire apples

Why did the chicken cross the orchard? To get to the other cider

Tho... read more

To get to the other cider..

It's sad

Apple'd

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther... read more

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?... read more

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ... read more

As they walk Watson keeps asking Sherlock to identify the trees they are seeing. After some time they approach a clearing and in the centre is a lone tree.
Watson asks "Sherlock what is that tree with yellow skinned fruit?"
Sherlock smiles and replies "That's a lemon tree, my dear Watson"

His efforts were fruitless

I guess you can say I did some in-cider trading

A man is walking through an apple orchard when he spots a farmer and some pigs by an apple tree.

He notices the farmer pick up a pig and hold it mid-air until the pig had finished an entire apple, then set the pig back down on the ground.

The man watches the farmer repeat this a few ... read more

I told him to grow a pear.

Yeah, I slipped in cider.

Yep. He's still pushing apples.

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of... read more

I grew a whole damn orchard and still can’t get rid of these medical bills

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler. After a while, the handler received a letter in the mail. It told her the spy has been compromised, but, before his capture, he'd snuck out some very important government secrets. He'd used the world's smallest memory card to co... read more

A girl was picking fruit in an orchard. The fruit she wanted was so high up she need to climb a ladder to get it. Because the ladder was not steady she asked a man if he would be a gentleman and brace the ladder while she climbed it, and he agreed. When she made it to the top she looked down and ... read more

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming wa... read more

An apple orchard.

apple juice

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<... read more

They went past a fruit orchard with numerous trees laden with apples. One odd tree stood out from the rest.

Watson was curious, "What's that Holmes?"

Sherlock replied, "A Lemon Tree, my dear Watson."

Son: "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."

Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."


Dad: "I slipped in cider."

This is not a good joke, my Dad told it to me years ago and I haven't seen it here yet.

There was once a purple pirate who sailed the 7 purple seas. One purple day, as the sky was clear and purple the purple pirate landed his purple ship on a purple island.

The Purple pirate explored t... read more

A group of learned professors chose to spend a relaxing vacation at a remote farm - far from the maddening crowd of the city they lived in.

Their host was a simple farmer who had never seen the inside of a school.

The professors were astonished to see the order and discipline by which ... read more

I heard this somewhere else but really wanted to share

Thor and Dreaux were out one day under the hot summer sun digging a Ditch around an apple orchard, for their boss John. After a few hours of making the ditch, deaux turns to Thor and asks :
"Hey Thor, why are we here diggin a ditch and... read more

...when he saw a man in overalls, standing in an orchard, holding something that looked quite heavy up next to an apple tree. He decided to pull over and see what was going on.

He climbed over a fence and, as he got nearer, he realized that a farmer was holding a huge pig up about shoulder h... read more

A guy's driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he's doing is he's taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the ... read more