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A packrat decided to make a nest in my car's muffler.

By the time I got to the mechanic the poor bugger was exhausted.

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Baby eagle in his nest sees a fighter jet passing overhead.

Amazed at the speed, he turns to mamma and asks, "Why can't we fly so fast?" 

Mamma: "You would too my son, if your ass was on fire."

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest.

He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed with his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take his Kanye Test. He forgot to brush his teeth. Did he run out of Kanye Crest? His ...

I love animals. Yesterday I saw a baby bird that had fallen from its nest up in the tree.

I wanted to get the bird back up in the nest so it can be safe. It only took me three throws.


- Stollen from Norm's new show.

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Who Wants to be a Millionaire!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is...

I was walking along and I saw a guy fall into a nest of mosquitoes...

...it was malarious!

A guy has a wasps nest in his garage

He goes to the hardware store and finds a can of spray that says it's for hornets, so he finds an employee just to check if it'll work on wasps.

"Excuse me, is this spray good for wasps?"

"No sir, it kills them."

The Right Answer

A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected the Million Dollar Qu...

[LONG] A little bird fell out of the nest...

A little bird fell out of the nest and went to explore the surrounding world.

Soon he meets a large, hairy animal and asks:

– "Hello, I'm a little bird. Who are you?"

– "Hello. I'm the Wolf\-dog"

– "A wolf\-dog? That's weird! How can you be a wolf\-dog? You can either be ...

Two scientists are studying a nest of newly-hatched crows..

The new parents are doing what they can, and the three chicks are noisy and demanding.

One day, the scientists notice that one of the chicks isn't making noise anymore. They see he's making the motions, but no sound is coming from his beak.

The scientists decide to do something to try ...

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "

The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "

" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "

To which the lookout replies "...

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

"Fetch me my red shirt..."

One fine afternoon, a merchant captain was guiding his crew across the Spanish Main when the sailor from the crow's nest called down in a panicked voice.



"Cap'n!!!" he cried, "Ship approaching from the starboard side! An' she's flying pirate colors!!!"




Calmly, the ...

My friends found a cool racing game.

Recently my friends and I found an interesting new game, it’s sort of like a mix of an MMORPG and a racing game. You play as a car and you level up and get cool new gear and it makes you better and also looks cooler.

Anyway, we played this game for quite a while, slowly improving and getting ...

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Billy the tree.

Billy the tree aces his SATs at Forest High and ends up with a full college scholarship. The day arrives for him to move halfway across the state. The older trees wish him luck, and they make him promise to write. They wave and cheer as he packs his trunk and leaves.

He arrives at his college...

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An old one, but I've never seen it on this sub...

A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle. "This is a serious crime," says the judge. "What do you have to say in your defense?"



"Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me. I was trapped in the wilderness for days. I s...

A son asks dad, daddy what does the word alternatives mean ?

Dad thinks for a bit and explains.

Say, you can go to a store and buy a case of eggs. You could make an omelette, but you could also try and put the eggs in a nest, get a hatching light, and hatch the chicken. Then you'll feed them, breed them, watch em grow up, get some roosters in the mix....

A little girl is eating her vegetables

Suddenly one of the pea pods came to life and began pleading for its life, "No giant! Please spare me and I will take you to my kingdom where my queen will reward you with much more than my life!"

With nothing better to do, the girl accepts the offer and follows the talking pea to his kingdom...

A kid saw a naked man sunbathing.

He asked him, “what’s that?”.

He replied, “This is a bird, that’s it’s nest and these are its eggs. Now beat it kid I’m trying to catch some Z’s.”

And so the kid left.

The nudist sunbather wakes up in the hospital with the kid right next to him.

“Why am I here?”, he ask...

I found a baby bird the other day

The other day I found a baby bird that had fallen out of its nest.

I love animals, and I thought to myself 'I'm going to get this little guy back to its nest'.

Now, it took me about 5 or 6 throws...

​

Credit: Norm Macdonald on his new Netflix show (Since everyt...

While we are sharing terrible time wasting pun jokes... this is the worst one I have ever heard

A friend of mine told me this one some years ago. It is the worst joke I have ever heard in my life.

A mad scientist, up on his secret sea-side mountaintop lair, is working on a life extension serum. He has nearly perfected it, and is about to begin testing it on dolphins.

Unfortun...

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A dad and his daughter went to a nudist beach

Once there the daughter is surprised when she sees his dick and asks "Daddy, what's that?"
A bit taken back by the question he answers, "oh, that's just a swan nesting on it's two eggs".

Happy with that explanation the kid starts playing at the beach while the father lays in the sun.
...

Don't Lie to Little Girls

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on a beach.

He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up toward him and asked, "What's that under your newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied. "A bird."

...

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

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A man and his wife are having sex

Out in the woods when a bee enters the woman's vagina. The couple stop and immediately go to the hospital. The doctor tells them there is a simple solution. Cover the mans penis in honey and have him lure the bee out. The husband says "what if the bee stings me?". The doctor replied there is a chanc...

A young girl wanders into a section of beach designated for nudists only...

A man sees the young girl approaching him and quickly covers up his privates with a small towel. She asks the man what’s under his towel and he says that it’s his little birdie. She asks if she can play with his little bird but the man insists that it is sleeping. The girl keeps pleading with the ma...

An Irishman on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

It's a long 'un.

An Irishman was on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, and he's doing really well, so well in fact that he is on the final question to win himself a million euro.

The presenter reads the question: "OK Paddy, for one million euro, which of these birds does not live in a ne...

Is that you Hans?

During World War 1, the British were under heavy sniper fire in the trenches, making advancing through territory very difficult without taking many casualties.



So, the British soldiers discussed how to take out the sniper: "How do we make that darn sniper come out of his nest?" Said o...

The majestic lion

Lions, as everyone knows, are the kings of the animal kingdom. Apex predators of the Serengiti, there are few who can stand steady in the face of their mighty roar.

Unfortunately for lions, however, they are rather limited in their mobility. When it comes to such places as ice, water, and air...

Who wants to be a Millionaire?

A lady is on "Who wants to be a Millionaire" and she has already won $500,000. She is on her last question with only the phone a friend left.

Chris Harrison: You can leave now with $500,000 dollars, or you can try for the million. If you fail to answer this last question you lose all your mon...

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.

They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen.

There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours t...

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I've never forgiven the Nazis for what they did to my grandfather.

12 hours a day he sat in that machine gun nest and no-one even brought him a cup of tea...

Farmhouse

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured h...

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My Red Shitt

The captain of a Spanish ship is walking around the deck inspecting the rigging and checking for damage when he hears from the crow's nest "Pirate ship to port, 2 kilometers." Upon receiving the news the captain tells his new first mate "Fetch me my red shirt at once."

The first mate brings t...

Once upon a time, there was a wasp.

Now, this wasp was no ordinary wasp. No, no, this was an extremely intelligent wasp. He was so smart, in fact, that one day he decided to leave the nest to go to high school. Obviously, this was a big deal for his family, but they supported him in following his dreams, so they packed up his few belo...

Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every ...

Squirrels in the attic

As told to me by a patient today:

A small church out in the country developed a problem when squirrels moved into the attic. They were chewing holes in the insulation and building nests, rotting the soffits and making a lot of noise and generally being a nuisance. The people didn't quite kn...

Wounded Pirate

A pirate captain sets sail with his crew determined to conquer the seas.

On the first day a crewman in the crows nest of the ship calls out, “Arrr! There be one battleship on the horizon, captain!”

The captain jumps up and excitedly yells, “Get me my red shirt!”

His first mate a...

The Storks

Two storks were sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork was crying and crying, and the father stork was doing his very best to console his child. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will be home soon. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." Later that evenin...

A pirate ship is sailing in the ocean when an enemy ship approaches...

"Captain, an enemy ship approaches!" A crew member shouted from the crow's nest.

The captain turned to his first mate and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate, somewhat confused, ran to the captain's quarters and brought the captain his red shirt. They battled the enemy ship and won....

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[NSFW]Two Scottish lasses are walking to school one morning...

...when they come upon a man passed out under a tree after a night out drinking. They approach the burly, bearded man and one girl says " I n'er seen a mans penis before. Let's take a peek!" So, they lift the mans kilt and the other exclaims " It looks like a wee chick sitting in a nest! It needs a ...

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I met a pirate today.

I met a pirate today at the bus stop, as I was waiting for the 151 bus to go downtown. I know he was a pirate, because he had an eyepatch, and a hook, and a peg leg, the whole deal. That, and I asked him.
"Excuse me, sir, but are you a pirate?" I asked.
"Arr, I be a pirate, aye."
"Oh, that ...

Where does a russian bird sleep?

IN A COMMU-NEST

Woman & Alligator & Small Pistol - A Miracle

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What’s the smallest caliber you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jetfire. Here’s her story in her own words.

"While out walking along the edge...

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Private Snafu joins the army.

Always last in line for mess, roll or runs, he was also last in line when they passed out equipment. When he gets to the guy handing out guns, the box is empty.
"What the hell am I supposed to do without a gun?!" Snafu asks.
The warren officer thinks for a second. Picking up a mop, he begins ...

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A man comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, *bang*, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe...

A man is tanning at a nudist beach...

And a young girl who was playing with the seagulls ran up to him. Pointing to his nether regions she asked what that was and why lots of the people have them. The man not wanting to explain the reproductive system to some little girl said that it is his pet bird, pointing to his genitalia he said th...

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Subject of sex education with her fourth-grade class Student

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex educa...

I bought a beehive to start my beekeeping company

I thought it was a good bees nest

So a German father steps into a butcher shop

to provide food for his kid's 18th birthday party. They exchange pleasantries and the father asks for authentic german meats food for his son's party.

"That would be about ten euros per guest for a lavish traditional meal," the butcher says. The father, who is celebrating not only his son's c...

A captain takes his crew into battle

A captain and his crew were sailing through the waters. A crewman calls from the lookout nest.

"Captain! 5 enemy ships headed our way!"

The captain turns to a sailor and says "Bring me my red shirt." The sailor bring him his red shirt and the captain leads them into battle. The battl...

Paddy has just correctly answered the £500,000 question on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.

He has only one question standing between him and the £1m jackpot.

"Which of these birds does not live in a nest?
A) Thrush, B) Kestrel, C) Blue Tit, D) Cuckoo"

Paddy has one lifeline left, phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub. Murphy agrees, and i...

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There was a man named Tim...

And he had a pretty unique but low paying job. Everyday he would put on a beekeeping suit, and he would stand holding the part of the bee's nest with th honey so that the other beekeepers could scrape the honey off. This job didn't pay very much and was fairly easy and boring, so he decided to take ...

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2 kids hear their dad cussing

So the two decide that the nest day they will both cuss at breakfast the next morning, the young one decides to say ass, the oldest says he will say damn, so the next morning their mother asks them what they would like, the oldest says "give me some of them damn cheerios." And WHAM! the mother slaps...

A hobo is lying on the beach covered in newspaper...

...and suddenly a young girl appears and asks him what's under the newspaper. He responds in a gravely voice, "Eh, it's just a bird." She then asks him if she can play with his bird. He laughs and says, "Sure, why not." A few minutes later he falls asleep.

Hours later, he wakes up, but this t...

Sunbathing...

A man was sunbathing naked, when a little girl came along. He quickly covered himself with a hat and the girl asked him "What's under the hat?" The man said "It's my little bird, but he's shy so move along." The girl compile and moved along while the man went to sleep. He later woke up in a hospital...

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A man and his son walk into a bar.

A man and his son walk into a bar. Sitting on the counter is a jar full of cash, labeled "The Challenge Jar". When asked about the jar, the bartender replies: "This is the challenge jar, if you complete three challenges, you get to take home the money. To learn what the challenges are, you need to p...

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North Dakota Farmer Vacations in New York

A farmer who had lived in North Dakota all his life finally reached retirement age and decided to take his first vacation ever. Being frugal, as most farmers are, he had quite a hefty nest egg saved up from all those unmarried years toiling away alone in the middle of nowhere. To fight the boredom...

Little Girl

A man is lying on the beach, naked. I little girl approaches him and asks "Hey mister, what's that?" (She is pointing to his junk) the man replies "It's just a little birdie, now go away." The man falls asleep.

A few hours later the man wakes up in the hospital. The doctor asks"What happened ...

Did you hear the one about the captain's lucky shirt?

So a pirate captain is walking along the deck of his ship, when all of a sudden the crier in the crows-nest yells "Spanish treasure ship getting within range!"

So the captain rallies his men, and calls to his first mate "First mate, get me my lucky red shirt". The captain puts the shirt on an...

Stop me if you've heard this one before.

Jim was suspicious that his wife had been cheating on him. He took off from work early to see if he could catch her in the act. Driving up to his apartment Jim caught a glimpse through an open window of a strange man walking around in his dining room. Now convinced his wife has been unfaithful, J...