What do you get when you mix Ernest Hemingway and a shotgun?

A new Jackson Pollock painting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Uncle Ernest

That son of a bitch drank furniture polish and died.


It’s was a sad story but with a beautiful finish.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

I should’ve dressed up as an A-10 pilot named Ernest for Halloween.

Then I could say I’m “Brrrrrrrrrrrrt and Ernie.”

Why did the chicken of destiny cross the road?

Robert Frost: "To cross the road less traveled by."

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: "The eternal hen-principle made it do it."

Ralph Waldo Emerson: "It didn't cross the road; it TRANSCENDED it."

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.
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... Ernest Hemingway (*whispers*): "To die. In the rain."

Less well known than Ernest Hemingway's "A Farewell to Arms"...

is his sequel, "Oh Hello Arms I Didn't Think I'd See You Again"

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A Quick Learner

Paw is talking to Maw one day.

"Maw. Ernest is 18 now. It's about time we teach him about fuckin".

"Ok." Says Maw, "I'll wait in the bedroom."

Paw calls Ernest over and says "Son, you're old enough now, its time you learn about fuckin."

"Well what's fuckin?" Says Ernest....

Earnest: May I be Frank with you?

Frank: Ernest why do you need my name?

I like to be frank and earnest with women.

In Brooklyn, I'm Frank and in Chicago I'm Ernest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Longish literary-ish joke translated from Russian

Russia in the 1930s. Winter. Poverty. Famine. It's freezing cold. A poorly dressed kid is running across a courtyard with an armful of deadwood, followed by an angry caretaker.

The kid is running and thinking to himself:
>I gotta put an end to this. After all, I come from a nice family,...

A doctor performs surgery using local anesthesia

- “Relax, Ernest, it’s just a few cuts with a scalpel. Don’t panic,” the doctor says.

- “But, doctor, my name is not Ernest.”

- “I know... just talking to myself.”

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird

(Also Ernest Hemingway, but that’s beside the point)

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

Raising The Dead!

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body ...

A city slicker went out to the country to spend a few days with his cousin on the farm....

A city slicker went out to the country to spend a few days with his cousin on the farm.

"Now Ernest," said the farmer, "You'll have to help me with the chores around here, you being another mouth to feed. We get started pretty early in the morning."

"That's fine, Seth", said the city m...

What do you call a man with a bird roosting in his ear?

Ernest

What's the most honest way to earn a living as a seamstress?

The Ernest Hemingway

Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor?

He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.

A couple of old guys sat at the bar...

Ernest pops up with a comment "George, when I was 20 years old and I had a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands!"

They sit in silence a few minutes, punctuated by the occasional sip.

Ernest says "When I was 35, I could bend it with one hand."

A few minutes later, h...

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