Hobbit Jokes - 88 Hilarious Hobbit Jokes

What do you call introverted Hobbits?

Shyer folk.

Hobbit: “What aviation school should we attend?”

Gandalf: “Fly U, fools.”

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

Sauron tortures a hobbit.

Sauron captured Bilbo Baggins and tried to torture him to tell where the magic ring was hidden. Soon the hobbit blurted out "I think Gollum has it!"

Then Sauron captured Gollum and tortured him, but the old evil and corrupted hobbit wouldn't talk.

It turns out bad hobbits are hard to...

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What do you call a hobbit who cut off her husband's penis?

A Bobbitt.

What do you call a hobbit from the Basque Country?

Bilbao

What's it called when Hobbits build houses for other Hobbits?

Hobbitat for Humanity

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

What do hobbit homes with no entrances need?

More doors.

When Hobbits run...

Do they get short of breath?

Why do Hobbits eat so often?

They heard that you need 3^2 meals per day

What do you call an irritating Hobbit?

Douche Baggins.

If hobbits were a plant how would they make food?

They would frodosynthesize.

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Why did Bilbo have a boner at his own funeral?

Because old Hobbits die hard.

What do you call a Hobbit who isn't over their Ex?

Bilbo Baggage.

Why did the Hobbit put his phone on silent?

Because he was bored of the rings!

One hobbit asks another: "Don't you feel like we're just a figment of someone's imagination?"

"Mate I have no idea what you're tolkien about"

What sauce do hobbits put on everything?

Worst-in-the-shire sauce

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A hobbit breaks into the local zoo

He has sex with a Panda. What do you call the baby?

Half Ling Ling.

A hobbit walks into a hospital room.

His grandfather was on his deathbed. After talking to him, he laid down and closed his eyes. He slowly got an erection. Everyone in the room was slightly confused. Sensing the tension in the room, he whispered something in his grandson's ear and died. When others asked him what it was, he replied "O...

I dreamt that I wrote the Hobbit the other day

Turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep

What are 8 Hobbits?

One hobbyte.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

Two hobbits were walking in the woods.

The first hobbit says "Look there, it's a tree!"

The second one replies "No, it is en't"

What do you call a Hobbit who works in advertising?

Billboard Baggins

(From my son (9) who just finished Fellowship of the Ring and is well on his way to being a dad with jokes like this).

Where do the poorest Hobbits live?

The Worcestershire

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Who is the naughtiest hobbit? (Nsfw)

Dildo Baggins

Why couldn't the hobbits fly the Eagles to Mordor?

Because they were on tour and only got back at the end.

What's the difference between a Halfing and a Hobbit?

A hobbit always sets his cellphone to vibrate.

Because he’s afraid the ring would give him away.

Why couldn't the hobbit go into the bathroom?

Because it was orcuppied.

What did the drunken hobbit say when he bumped into the wizard?

"Saruman, I didn't see you there"

What did the Hobbits scream as they were riding the Ents into battle against Isengard?

Run, Forest, run!

What do you call a group of hobbits?

The second breakfast club

It wasn't easy for a group of hobbits to see their dead friend at the coroner's office.

Because one does not simply walk in the morgue door.

Did you hear? Copies of The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion are considered one-of-a-kind when sold and traded.

They're Non-Fungible Tolkiens.

My partner had a go at me because at night, unaware, I go on about Hobbits, Rings and Orcs.

They think I'm Tolkien in my sleep.

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

What do you call an alcoholic hobbit?

A hobbitual drinker.

Why does the travelling hobbit always carry his elven cloak?

When he goes to pee in the woods and he brings out his other *precious*, he still gets the feeling that there's someone eyeing him.

What do you call a Hobbit who wears his pants down low?

Bilbo Saggins.

According to 'The Hobbit', Gollum was once a normal man.

The biggest mistake he made was putting on that ring, which drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy.

I got one of those when I was married.

An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...

All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.

"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are alway...

A human, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar...

The Hobbit laughs and walks under it.

Why did the hobbit fall

He had a Frodoian slip

Best films of all time Lord of the rings and the Hobbit trilogies...

Now that's what I'm Tolkien about.

What’s a hobbits favorite drink?

Mountain Doom

What do you call a hobbit who’s a savvy shopper?

Bilbo Bargains

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam" .... (An original LOTR-themed meta-joke for you.)

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam."

With them was Gandalf, returned from over Sea with Frodo in tow just for the occasion. No one in living memory – at least now that the elves were all in the Undying Lands to...

How many Hobbits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, any more than two and it gets pretty crowded in there.

Do you think Daniel Radcliffe could ever play a hobbit?

No, but Elijah would.

Just bought the extended version of The Hobbit.

Bilbo is 7' 6" now.

I think three movies is a bit much for the hobbit.

Seems like they're really dragon it out.

What do you call an overweight hobbit's belly?

His Middle Girth

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Why do elderly halflings avoid taking viagra?

Because old Hobbits die hard.

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What was the well endowed hobbit called?

Dildo Braggins.

How do hobbit flowers grow?

Through Frodo-synthesis.

No matter how much I torture him, Gollum won’t tell me where the Ring is.

Bad hobbits are really hard to break.

Didja hear the one about the hobbit who ruined the boxing match?

He tried to destroy the ring.

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[NSFW] An Orc and an Elf are sitting at a tavern looking at a pretty hobbit girl.

"I took her on a date last night," bragged the Orc.
"And she let me reach under the table and diddle her hairy twat!"

"Liar." Says the Elf.
"It's true! She loved it. Go ask her." Says the Orc.

So the Elf approaches the pretty Hobbit.
"Is it true that you went on a date with t...

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TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…

Apparently old hobbits die hard.

Why does nothing much change in the Shire?

Force of hobbit.

What kind of environment do hobbits live in?

A hobbitat

What do you call a hobbit that looks good in pictures?

Frodo-genic

What do you call 13 dwarves and a hobbit inside a mountain?

A *smaugasbord*.

Samwise is preparing for his wedding...

He gathers his fellow hobbits around and then turns to Pippin.
"Pippin, I want you to be my best man."
Pippin is overjoyed, but before he can celebrate, there's a sound of someone crying, he turns and sees Frodo standing there with teary eyes.
"But Sam, what about me?" Frodo so...

My four-year-old came up with this one:

What do you call a hobbit in blue pants? Lord of the jeans.

(This was after he heard the Alexa ask, “what do you call a hobbit playing a fiddle? Lord of the Strings”)

Did you know that all of the Hobbit films were recorded in L.A.

Yeah, you could tell by the Smaug.

(One for those in the UK today) I'm not saying it's hot in my living room...

But two Hobbits just walked in and threw a ring into it.

Some people say that elves are very shy

But I think hobbits can be Shire

Not to say that giving my girlfriend free reign over the thermostat is a bad thing…

… but two hobbits just showed up to throw a ring in our bedroom.

What's Frodo short for?

He's a hobbit.

Why did Bilbo Baggins always smoke pipeweed after every meal?

IDK, force of hobbit I guess

Why did Steve Bannon call Trump supporters working-class hobbits?

Because they're friends with grand wizards.

It's ok to turn one good book into three bad movies every once in a while...

Just don't make a Hobbit of it.

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Reddit, what is your best cheesy joke?

I'm talking the jokes that you find insanely hilarious, and everyone else just either groans or stares blankly when you tell it. I'll start.

'Been teaching hobbits how to play cricket. Bilbo's good at catching, but he can't really Frodo.'

Every. Fucking. Time.

Ringwraiths

My daughter watching Lord of the rings:

D: “So the hobbits call the nazgul the black riders right?”

Me: “yeah”

D: “the nazgul are like: ‘yo, that’s wraithist’”

Cue facepalm.

What do you call the shack where all the halfling nuns wearing too small shoes live?

The hobbled habited hobbit habitat.

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

I was once obsessed with "The Lord of the Rings". The books, the movies, the collectables, everything.

Finally I was able to kick the hobbit.

A tale of Middle Earth

In the land of Gondor there lived one of the most renowned gardeners in all of Middle Earth.

All the various people would come to Master Kizal for healing herbs that could be found nowhere except his gardens. The Elves would come to him for rare tree saplings and advice on how to care f...

Once a hobbit gets to around 125 years old, they are very likely to die. And a little known fact is that, when they do, they are generally found to have a raging, post-mortem erection!

That's right, old hobbits die hard.

Why did Gandalf opt to send Frodo, of all beings, on the most perilous mission Middle-Earth had ever known?

Force of hobbit.

Why is smoking illegal in the Shire?

It's a bad hobbit.

Three large trolls were sitting around the campfire discussing their health.

"My doctor tolt me I need to get meself some exercise. Good fer me heart. So I tossed 'im up high in there air. Daggum good exercise."

The next troll laughed, "If ye gots any heart at all, its as hard and cold as granite. My doctor tolt me I was lack toes intolrant. Ain't sure what 'e meant s...

Frodo was chosen as the Ringbearer because...

it's hard to break a hobbit

A new redditor comes to r/jokes

"Welcome!" Exclaims r/jokes.

"Hi," says the redditor, "tell me a funny joke please."

"Alright. Let me see what i can find." Replys r/jokes before heading off

While the redditor waits they, binge the entirety of Game of Thrones, watch the entire extended directors cut of...

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

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