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Chimp Jokes

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A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.

The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ...

Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom.

Get your monkey for nothin' and your chimps for free.



I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.

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What do you call a sexually confused chimp

Bi-curious george

My brother recently adopted a chimp

Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

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"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."

Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.

Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck....

Recent studies show that chimps raised in captivity are more likely to reproduce if they are shown videos of other chimps mating in the wild.

monkey see monkey do monkey, monkey do monkey

A monkey, chimp, gorilla and King Kong tries to take bananas from a coconut tree. Who will get it?

Neither! Coconut trees don't grow bananas!

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A lion is bent over drinking from a stream.

A chimp runs up behind the lion and fucks him up the ass and then runs off. The lion takes off after him. The chimp comes to a safari camp where he puts on a safari outfit, a pith helmet, sits down, grabs a copy of a newspaper which he holds in front of his face pretending to read. The lion runs int...

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

The other day I took my lovely wife/sister and our 2 children out to see the chimps at the birmingham zoo, but there was so much hurling of feces.

So the monkeys started throwing it back.

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A chimpanzee says to another "I think I prefer to walk on just two legs"

The other chimp looks at him funny in response.

The first chimp quickly adds, "No homo!"

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Tarzan of the Apes was fighting a lion in Africa,

He won, but at the price of his eye, his arm, and his dick. His jungle friends back home said they would help him out by giving him the spare parts he needed.

They gave him an eye of an eagle, an arm of a gorilla, and an elephants trunk for a dick. A couple weeks later a chimp stops by and as...

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

A circus ringleader and his wife were living with their main act, an alcoholic chimpanzee

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to f...

Ten chimpanzees are standing in a line.

The 1st, 3rd, 5th, and 7th chimps are asked to step forward.

They are the prime apes.

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a ...

What do you call a t-shirt with a half man, half monkey hybrid on it?

A chimp-man tee

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Guy walks into a brothel...

...and says to the pimp,

"I've only got £10, what can I get for that?"

The pimp thinks for a second and says, "you can have this goat"

The guy agrees and goes into a back room with the goat. Next week he goes to the same brothel and speaks to the pimp again,

"I've only g...

At the San Diego zoo the other day…

And looking in on the chimpanzees section and a big male comes up to the glass Right in front of where I’m standing. The chimp points at my shirt pocket and holds his fingers up like he wants to smoke. I pull the pack of cigarettes out of by breast pocket and he starts nodding his head profusely. I...

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Mr Lion goes down to the river to drink...

...and as he lowers his head to the water, Mr Chimp leaps down out of the trees, scampers up behind Mr Lion, yanks his tail to one side, and visits an unspeakable outrage upon the King of the Beasts!

He then scampers away, leaving Mr Lion crestfallen and vowing to revenge himself on the imp...

My friend did not believe in the existence of trousers for monkeys.

I looked them up on the internet and told him,

"Chimp pants, see?"

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's bro...

What do you call an easily scared monkey?

Chimp pansy

A chimpanzee, a gorilla and a baboon are communicating to each other across their zoo enclosures about which is the greatest primate...

"It's obviously me!" says the chimp. "I am most closely related to humans and can use tools!" "No, it's me!" says the gorilla. "I am the biggest of all primates and strongest!" "No, it's me!" says the baboon. "I am smaller than you apes but am the biggest monkey plus fast and cunning!"

But t...

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo...

...a zookeeper finds two finches which have dropped dead from old age. He puts them in a sack for cleanup and proceeds to the monkey cage.

In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked the bucket. Not wanting them to go to waste, he puts them in the sack with the f...

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Tarzan swang back into the tree house after a day in the jungle

He sees Jane in the kitchen with a couple of pot in the stove.
Tarzan: what's for dinner
Jane : Look in the pots
Tarzan opens the first and it's a pot full of monkey pieces. He open the second and it's full of little birds cooking.
Tarzan: oh no not finch and chimps again.

Tarzan and Jane.

Jane - Tarzan, I'm hungry.

Tarzan - Me go get dinner.

He tried very hard to find just the right game for Jane but the best he could do was to bag a chimp and a finch.

Jane was very angry. Truth is nothing was going to please her. It had been the same thing for the last week. ...

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Just Monkeying Around

Guy goes to the zoo and is hanging out around the outdoor monkey cage. There's lots of people about and he can't see much, so he leans in over the safety rail to get a better look. A chimp, unseen until that moment, reaches through the bars and snatches a box of matches out of his shirt breast pocke...

NASA sends a redneck and a chimpanzee to the moon.

When the rocket lands on the moon's surface, the computer screen automatically switches itself on & the chimpanzee clicks on the desktop file that contains his instructions:-

1)....Ensure that rocket has landed at the correct co-ordinates and is anchored safely.
2)....Check ALL l...

A zookeeper was doing his rounds one day

He had with him a rucksack and a broom. He had to inspect all the cages and make sure they were clean. First he checked on the bird sanctuary. Aside from Some droppings there were 2 dead birds on the ground. He scooped them into his rucksack and moved on.
Next, he checked the primate cages and he...

A man and his baby ape

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.

"I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even...

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So there's this duck...

...and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's a...

A Black guy and an Asian guy are standing next to a pond.

A Black guy and an Asian guy are standing next to a pond. The Asian guy says, "This pond is Magical, if you skip a stone across it, you will hear the names of your ancestors." So the Asian guy picks up a stone and skips it, the stone makes a sound with each splash, "CHING-CHANG-CHONG." The black guy...

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

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