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Expensive Jokes

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“Fucking kids are expensive”, I said

“Is”, my lawyer replied.

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

College

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of most expensive wine on the menu

She sends me a note, "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So i wrote back," Return me the wine; As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone."

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

Why is helium so expensive these days?

Because of all the inflation.

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a milli...

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots

The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up.

The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”

The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bart...

A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car,

The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says “give me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!” The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the exp...

Why was the killer so expensive?

Assassin's Greed

Expensive Beer

I heard this one about high prices and scarcity from a European friend (I'm American BTW) ...



A fellow goes into a pub and says to the bartender, "One beer please."

The barman replies, "100 euro"

"Wow!" the man says.  "Why is it so expensive?  It was 10 euro before.“
...

What’s expensive and dirt cheap at the same time?

Fresh grad

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

petrol is so expensive

It will be cheaper to just buy cocaine and run everywhere

My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”

That’s….sound advice.

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"No, it's too expensive."

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner.

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it...

Time to open a pub that serves nothing but expensive beers and baked beans

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

I can't believe how much more expensive air mattresses are than regular mattresses.

How do they justify these inflated prices?

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

Healthcare in America is just so outrageously expensive.

I mean... this diabetes is going to cost me an arm and a leg!

Judging by how expensive this year's iPhones are...

It's no wonder why they're called the iPhone Excess and iPhone Excess Max

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Zombie strippers are expensive

[OC] It costs an arm and a leg to see them...

A newlywed couple spent their first honeymoon night in an expensive Miami Beach hotel

Next morning the groom called room service and ordered a breakfast of bacon and eggs for himself, and a lettuce leaf for his wife. The clerk asked, “Would the lady care for anything else?” The husband replied “Not right now. I want to see if she eats like a rabbit, too”

My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat, but my friend told me that they are really expensive...

So I bought two normal cats and glued their heads together...

Getting ahead in the world is getting more expensive.

For example, where I live you can't get romaine for under $10.

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The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night.

She said "The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"

Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.

I was about to tell some new jokes about the expensive eggs I bought

But before I could, someone poached them.

For Valentine's Day, I booked the most expensive table at a restaurant that's named after the underworld.

When my girlfriend asked me where we were eating, I told her I'd reserved a special place in Hell for us.

A sophisticated-looking lady was returning by plane from Switzerland

She talked to the Father sitting next to her, "Excuse me, Father, may I ask you a favor?"


The priest replied, "Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"


The woman explained, "Here's my problem: I bought myself a new epilator and paid quite a lot of money for it. I thin...

When they ask you "why is University so expensive?"..

The intent is to provide students with a sense of pride and accomplishment for completing different courses.

As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the Open Beta and other adjustments made to milestone rewards before launch. Among other things, we're looking at average...

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The cost of living has now become so expensive.....

....that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.

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Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'?

The Price of wood is so damn high.....

A man bought himself an expensive new car

He was a superstitious fellow and wanted to keep anything bad from happening, so he invited a priest, an imam and a rabbi over to bless the vehicle.

First, the priest sprinkled holy water on the hood.

Next, the imam led everyone in a prayer to the vehicles' greatness.

Then final...

Yesterday I bought an expensive but poorly made tie...

I think my ascot ripped off!

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Went to get stool sample test. It was expensive...

...cost me a buttload.

Where is the most expensive place to get gas?

Chipotle.

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I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed....

Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.

My wife asked me why hot air balloon rides are so expensive.

I said "inflation".

Expensive Perfume

So, big Moira, from Glasgow, is on a weekend trip to London.

She is in an elevator in a Harrods, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

Big Moira remarks, "My, what nice aromas!"

One of the women turns, looks Moira up and down...

I've started buying store brand Spanish rice instead of the expensive stuff

As they say, "Arroz by any other name..."

Gas prices got so expensive that…

Tom Brady had to come out of retirement

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A man got together enough money to take his dream girl to an expensive restaurant

She started ordering the most expensive things on the menu – lobster, caviar, champagne….

He said, “Wow! Does your mother feed you like that at home?”

“No,” she said,

“But my mother isn’t expecting a blowjob.”

Expensive Date

She asked me to take her somewhere really really expensive... So, we enjoyed our first date under the night lights of BPs forecourt petrol station.

What food results in the most expensive weddings?

Can't-elope

That's why it's so expensive

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away". The distressed woma...

Funeral is very expensive....

I still can’t afford to die.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.

It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.

Why do ghosts obsess over expensive things?

Because they’re super boougie.

Man, balloons sure are getting expensive…

…I guess that’s inflation for ya.

Expensive Gym Membership

My gym membership costs $120 a year.

That’s pretty steep considering it’s $60 a visit

A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasn't at baggage claim when he landed in New York

He lost his case

Why was the bouncy castle so expensive?

Due to the cost of inflation

With everything so expensive this year, it could be just German sausage and cheese for Christmas dinner.

But that's a Wurst-Käse scenario.

You think gad and electric bills are expensive... have you seen chimneys?

They're through the roof!

My wife hated the new expensive revolving chair that I bought but then she sat on it.

Eventually….she came around.

What's the most expensive pie in Texas?

Creampie.

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A guy finds a super expensive frog at a flea market He asks the salesman why is the frog so expensive. “Because he can give one hell of a blowjob..”

The guy gets intrigued and buys the frog.

Later that night, his wife comes home to see him lying in their bed naked, with the frog on his shoulder, reading a cooking book.

“What the hell is this??”

“Baby, if this frog learns how to cook, you’re outta here!”

They weren't kidding when they said kids were expensive..

I was finally able to pay off my car loan after I sold my newborn.

I'm really stoked for the female James Bond. Expensive cars, noisy crashes, big explosions...

And that's just while she's parking them!

What do you call an expensive axolotl?

A that's a lotl

What do you call it when someone makes you an impressive and expensive feast without asking your permission first?

Pre-sumptuous.

Sure, the Death Star was expensive.

But Vader's suit cost him an arm and a leg.

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Fishing is expensive

A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see ...

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Two removal men are moving expensive vases

The old removal man is training up the young one but the young one seems a little stupid.

The old man is loading a vase into the back of the van when he hears a smash next to him. He looks over and sees a broken vase and the young man staring at a woman.

The old man says "what the hell...

dating is getting so expensive, so instead of buying an uber.

My wife gave us a ride

What do you call expensive shoes?

Cashews..

- My 9 yr old son.

Why is Ireland so expensive?

House prices are always Dublin'

Cemeteries are like very expensive exclusive clubs

They are overcrowded and people are dying to get in

Why paying professionals is so expensive?

Someone had a broken pump, he tried for hours to fix it but could not. Finally, exasperated he took it to the specialist. The professional took a look at the pump, plugged it in, took out a hammer and hit it once. Immediately the pump started working.

That would be $200 he said to the custom...

Do you know why insulin has gotten so expensive?

Well, it’s not called Liveabetes, now is it?

My date wants to go somewhere expensive for the first date.

I think a trip to the gas station together will be most impressive in that case.

The world's most expensive object by weight : at 8 million dollars per gram, it's a stamp

UPDATE : weighing 25 grams and costing a staggering 22 Bugatti cars, the new winner is Andrew Tate's pizza box.

Why is turtle wax so expensive?

Because they only have little ears.

I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff

Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus

EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery

Did you hear that Uri Geller planned to elevate the whole of London in what was to be the most expensive illusion ever performed?

He couldn't raise the capital.

Her: What is that beautiful scent you are wearing, it smells expensive

Him: it is, it's gasoline

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The Expensive Prostitute

Man walks into a bar, sees a pretty woman and strikes up a conversation, discovers she's a prostitute. He says, "I've never done this before but what the hell, how much for a hand job?" She says $500. He is appalled, "$500?! How is that possible?" She says, "Do you see that mercedes outside? That's ...

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Too expensive!

A French farmer takes his wife to travel to Paris. While his wife rented a hotel and put suitcase, he went for a walk. A prostitute approached: - Honey, will you come with me? - How much? - One hundred euros! - Too expensive! - If you like cheap then go find others, the prostitute said and left. ...

People say children are expensive...

.... but it really depends on how much ransom you demand

Why are balloons expensive?

Inflation!

I’ll see myself out, unless this blows up.

Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.


"May I help you?" she asked.


"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.


"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would ...

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

It cost me an arm and a leg!

I found out why college is so expensive these days

Every university starts with U o.

It’s crazy how expensive mirrors can be

They really make you reflect

I bought a German sausage shop on the most expensive road in my suburb.

They always say you should buy the Wursthaus on the best street.

Which nut is most expensive?

The cashew!

Dates are expensive and complicated.

And the morning after is, all too often, very awkward.

Then there's the messiness. And each one's got a bloody stone in the middle. Honestly, dates are just honey that's stuck on Extra Hard mode.

Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations.

They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.

Critics say Botox is too expensive...

...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.

Why are scented candles so expensive?

Because they take a wick to make one.

A wannabe rich woman once bought an expensive fur coat

A wannabe rich woman once bought and expensive fur coat which didn’t sit well with her 14 year old daughter.

“Mom, do you realise that some poor, dumb beast had to suffer so you could get that?” She said

The woman, infuriated by her daughter’s comment said ‘how dare you speak about yo...

I bought a very expensive limousine but couldn't afford to hire a driver.

Spent all my money and had nothing to chauffeur it.

My girlfriend wanted to go to the most expensive spot in the city for her birthday

She was not happy when I took her to Chevron

Having someone respond to a medical emergency has gotten sooo expensive.

Maybe instead of sending a Para Medics they should only send one.

Do you know why pies are so expensive in the Bahamas?

or are you ignorant of the pie rates of the Caribbean?

Cars are getting very expensive now a days. I was finally able to afford to buy the new Kia that I always wanted.

Brought it home last night and parked it out front. It looked so nice and beautiful. Woke up this morning and the car is gone. Sadly, It was stolen at some point last night, but the suspect dropped a phone as an evidence. It was a very old looking phone that I had never seen before.

I did a ...

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What do you call a very expensive switch ?

a Louis Button...





I'm so sorry

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I’m back with another shitty joke again!! Alright so I just figured out why Teslas are so damn expensive…

It’s because they charge A LOT xD

Every 3 months buying new toothbrushes is expensive!

I have 32 teeth to buy toothbrushes for, I wish someone would invent a teethbrush!

Living on earth is expensive..

but atleast you get a free trip around the sun each year..

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I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."

The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.

"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.

"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"

The man replies...

Homes are so expensive in my area I had to move into my friend's bouncy castle.

The rent's pretty expensive, but it's mostly due to inflation.

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