I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza Hut app

Either way, there’s a 10” vegetarian on the way and I’m not sure what to expect.

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Why should you never mix Non-Orthodox and Orthodox Jews?

Because one is basic, and the other is Hasidic.

What do you get when you mix a cheetah and a rhino?

A Cheeto

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What do you get when you mix a chicken and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night.

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I get the words "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" mixed up a lot...

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia!

I hate spelling errors. You mix up a couple letters and your whole post is

Urined

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

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Birthday Mix-Up (Long)

A young man wished to purchase  a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note--romantic, but not too personal.

   

   Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger siste...

What's a mixed feeling?

When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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What do you get when you mix goat DNA and human DNA?

You get kicked the fuck out of the petting zoo, that's what.

We shouldn't mix races, it's immoral and honestly pretty gross.

That's why I hate triathlons.

Can we mix up the "yo momma" jokes on this sub? They're easy, fun, and don't get done enough.

Just like yo sista.

Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix.

Don’t drink and derive.

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway

Whops, wrong sub.

What happens when you mix Birth Control and Acid?

A trip without the kids

What happens when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird

What do you get when you mix a duck and a cow?

Milk and quackers

What do you get when you mix a motorcycle with a joke?

A Yamahaha.

What do you get when you snort a mix of cocaine and speed?

Speed bumps

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Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?

His woodworking looked like shit.

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What did the Japanese chemistry teacher say when he mixed sodium and nitrogen?

NaNi???

An employee at the cookie factory fell into the dough mixing vat.

It looks like he's going to make it, but he was badly battered.

I have this rare condition where I may get consecutive numbers mixed up, and my friend just got diagnosed recently.

I thought I was the only two.

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What do you get if you mix Donald trump and a jew

Orange juice

I think Pfizer got their drugs mixed up...

I got the Covid vaccine, but now when I cough I get an erectipn.

What kind of crazy creature do you get when you mix a yak and a lion?

A maney-yak.

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

My boyfriend is always annoyed that I always mix up my directions, and he finally told me to leave,

So I packed my bags and I right left away

How do you mix boy and girl chromosomes?

Pull down their genes.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

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Why are jews circumcised?

Because its not kosher to mix cheese with meat.

I made a playlist for hiking.

It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

What do you get when you mix a snowman with a vampire?

frostbite!

What do you call a fruit mixed with a stone that *isn’t* a stone fruit?

...Pome*granite.*

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, no...

What do you get when you mix a gullible and an optimistic person.

Read it again

I constantly get misunderstandings and Chinese philosophers mixed up.

It’s so Confucius.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

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What do you get when you mix Viagra with Rogain?

Don King

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astou...

They're seems to be a lot of people getting there words mixed up

Their, I said it...

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Two Polish Rocket Scientists Announce to the World They're Going to the Sun in a Spaceship

The entire world wide scientific community swiftly points out that the Sun is too hot for such a journey and they'd quickly burn up to which they replied very smugly: "Ah SEE! We've thought of this and have a plan!.....We're going at NIGHT!"

I do not mean to offend anyone and my apologies to ...

What do you get when you mix divorce checks with counterfeit money?

Aliphony!

Mix Tabasco sauce with your hand sanitiser

It won't make it any more effective, but it will remind you not to touch your face and eyes.

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia.

I take my women like I take my scotch

18 years old and mixed up with coke.

My dog died. He exploded.

He was a mixed breed. Half golden lab, half meth lab.

What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic person?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

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What do you get when you mix a donkey and an onion

A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye

A middle class couple wanted to takeout their leftover food in a restaurant

The food served in this restaurant was so good that they kept coming back to dine there and finishing every dish they ordered.


One day they weren't able to finish one, but it was so good that they didn't want to waste it. They wanted to have the restaurant package up their leftover for ...

today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink

it gave me a religious movement

What do you get when you mix Jack Daniel’s with Smirnoff?

Jacknoff?

They say science and religion don't mix

but without DNA we never would've caught these priests

This is more of a sight gag that works really well in front of easily embarrassed or nonplussed mixed company. Hopefully I've told it well enough for it to be useful for others to use if they so desire.

Two childhood male friends recognized each other at their 40th high school reunion. While they were reminiscing one asked the other..
"Hey, have you seen Alice Fortney yet?

"No, what's up with her?"

Holding his cupped hands chest high, about a foot in front of him he tells his frien...

What do you get if you mix a horse with a cat?

A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone involved.

My wife wanted to mix things up in the bedroom...

So I moved the bed to the other side of the room.

A lawyer dies and ends up in hell.

“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 42 years old!”

“Just 42? That doesn't sound right.” says Satan.

The lawyer says, "Thank you so much, this must be some kind of mix up."

"Ah, here we have it," says Satan. "According to our cal...

Why did the baker mix in his flour slowly instead of doing it quickly?

He didn't want to whisk it.

About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA

EDIT: Wow this blew up!

Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his...

Before I got my life in order I used to host illegal parties and DJ at Stonehenge

But I no longer mix in those circles

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

Not sure what to do with the leftover pancake mix...

Should I throw it away or do you have a batter idea?

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Mixed Emotions

**A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.** **The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”**

**S...

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Soviet Meat Queue

A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.

The butcher comes out, and says:

> Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line.

The Jews leave the line.

Time passes....

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A regular at a popular bar got into a friendly bet with the bartender.

He challenged the bartender to a tasting contest.


He claimed that he could name any drink that the bartender could whip up. If he could name every one of them right, all his drinks would be on the house. If he lost, he had to pay for all his drinks, and an additional £50.


Amus...

When bugs and humans mix together, what do you get?

A distracted population.

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Being bisexual is like a mix of being straight and being gay

It's graight

If 2020 was a math word problem:

**If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?**

What do you get if you mix a very sad cloud and the ocean?

Tropical Depression.

A girl I liked was giving me mixed signals

So I calculated Fourier transform.

What type of mixed drink is great for alcoholic readers?

Tequila Mockingbird

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I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.

Which is the one about being in a closet?

This blender I just bought doesn't seem to be working right

I keep getting mixed results

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

A french canadian owned a primate as pet. While walking his pet in a mixed neighbourhood, the primate snatched his car key and ran off. The guy shouted for help.

Mon Key!!!!

Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?

Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.

An old ladies dies and goes to heaven...

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees so...

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Kanye’s rise to fame

Right before dropping out of college and kick starting his rap career, Kanye West went to visit his wealthy aunt, Shirlie Faulker, who owned a rubber products manufacturing factory on the outskirts of Paris, France. He decided to spend his summer break working at the factory part time while deciding...

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Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions

Well, color me surprised!

also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke

What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?

The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.

People who mix up literally with figuratively make me crazy!

Well that’s what the talking rabbit in my bedroom tells me.

One guy goes to India and visits a monastery

He saw some old monks meditating around the garden but was perplexed not to see any young monks around. "Is Buddhism dying?", he thought. Right after that, he sees a young monk entering a building with some bags of flour and sugar and decides to follow him.

What he found was stunning. On one...

What do you get when you mix a Jehovah’s Witness with a Atheist?

Someone knocking on your door for no reason.

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

What do you get when you mix Corona virus with Lyme desease?

A viral joke

That spice mix took too long to make

It was a waste of my thyme

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance

Had a big mix up at the store today...

Apparently, when the clerk said "strip down facing me" they were referring to my credit card

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No child of my will ever participate in the unholy art of race mixing.

If they want to do a triathlon, they will do three separate races like god intended

So I went to a mixed religion seminar...

The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused...

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why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

The last week or two I've been really obsessed with mixing things.

The last week of two I've been really obsessed with mixing things. I've been mixing anything and everything I can find, from pasta and sauce to the garbage in the trash can and the clothes in my drawer.


The weirdest thing is that when I start mixing something I have a hard time stopping! ...

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Did you hear about the new Nazi documents that have been uncovered?

They were conducting experiments involving mixing the DNA of electric eels, dogs, and captured British soldiers.

According to the plans they were quite eel-lab-brit.

Ps: sorry...

Dad, what are mixed feelings?

Johnny asked his father. "Dad, what are ‘mixed feelings". Johnny's dad thinks for a while before replying " It is like when I lent your car to my mother-in-law, and she falls down a cliff.

A mixed blessing...

Many professionals are getting hurt by this quarantine, but at least hookers aren’t getting screwed!

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

I think my wife might be a segregationist.

She gets REALLY mad when I mix the whites and colors together.

I mixed up the temperature units when doing my Physics test

As a result, I got an absolute zero.

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