TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway

Whops, wrong sub.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

A student asked his teacher if it was dangerous to mix oxygen and potassium...

The teacher said it was OK.

My boyfriend is always annoyed that I always mix up my directions, and he finally told me to leave,

So I packed my bags and I right left away

What do you get if you mix human DNA with whale's DNA

Your mom

They say science and religion don't mix

but without DNA we never would've caught these priests

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What do you get when you mix a Chinese person, a Japanese person, a Korean person, and a Thai person?

A conglomerAsian.

What do you get if you mix a horse with a cat?

A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone involved.

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I keep getting the words "Yakuza" and Jakuzzi" mixed up.

Now I'm in real hot water with some Japanese gangsters.

Mix Tabasco sauce with your hand sanitiser

It won't make it any more effective, but it will remind you not to touch your face and eyes.

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia.

Why did the baker mix in his flour slowly instead of doing it quickly?

He didn't want to whisk it.

today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink

it gave me a religious movement

What do you get when you mix Jack Daniel’s with Smirnoff?

Jacknoff?

My wife wanted to mix things up in the bedroom...

So I moved the bed to the other side of the room.

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What do you get when you mix a donkey and an onion

A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye

I mixed too much laxative into my alphabet soup...

...I got verbal diarrhea

What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic person?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

What happens when you mix acid and bass?

Dubstep

What do you think they would call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?

‘Ell if I know?

Not sure what to do with the leftover pancake mix...

Should I throw it away or do you have a batter idea?

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

A girl I liked was giving me mixed signals

So I calculated Fourier transform.

A french canadian owned a primate as pet. While walking his pet in a mixed neighbourhood, the primate snatched his car key and ran off. The guy shouted for help.

Mon Key!!!!

What do you get if you mix a very sad cloud and the ocean?

Tropical Depression.

About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA

EDIT: Wow this blew up!

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Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions

Well, color me surprised!

also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

What do you call a dog and deer mix?

A doeberman.

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Being bisexual is like a mix of being straight and being gay

It's graight

What type of mixed drink is great for alcoholic readers?

Tequila Mockingbird

What happens if you mix a cat and a grenade

Caboom

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

I dated a girl that has the same birthday as my mother once...

Let me tell you, you do not want to get those gifts mixed up! I got them both a pearl necklace.

My son was mixing the pancake batter with a whisk in both hands while he was helping my wife make Father’s Day breakfast.

I gasped and said, “honey, do you really think you should be letting him do that? That looks two whisk-y!”

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

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Three couples rush to the hospital to give birth.

Three couples rush to the hospital to give birth, an English couple, and Irish couple and an Asian couple. All three wives give birth to boys within minuets of each other and the fathers congratulate one another. But while the nurse are weighing the babies, they get them mixed up and have no idea wh...

People who mix up literally with figuratively make me crazy!

Well that’s what the talking rabbit in my bedroom tells me.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

Common English Mistakes

Common English Mistakes

-mixing up there, their, and they're

-using the wrong too, to, or two

-putting commas in the wrong place

-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches

-using apostrophes for plurals

What do you get when you mix LSD with Plan B?

A trip without the kids

What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?

The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.

I mixed up the temperature units when doing my Physics test

As a result, I got an absolute zero.

My dad told me this

Father looks at teenage son...”I have to tell you...you’ve been adopted.”

Son....”What?? I want to meet my biological parents.”

Father (bit embarrassed)...”Mixed message. Sorry. We are your biological parents. I mean, pack your bags. Your new parents are here.”.

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance

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Bad weather

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up h...

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I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.

Which is the one about being in a closet?

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

What do you get when you mix a Jehovah’s Witness with a Atheist?

Someone knocking on your door for no reason.

The last week or two I've been really obsessed with mixing things.

The last week of two I've been really obsessed with mixing things. I've been mixing anything and everything I can find, from pasta and sauce to the garbage in the trash can and the clothes in my drawer.


The weirdest thing is that when I start mixing something I have a hard time stopping! ...

I always have mixed feelings when I see Mad World memes

On one hand, I find it kinda funny...

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

A lady dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees som...

Had a big mix up at the store today...

Apparently, when the clerk said "strip down facing me" they were referring to my credit card

A mixed blessing...

Many professionals are getting hurt by this quarantine, but at least hookers aren’t getting screwed!

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No child of my will ever participate in the unholy art of race mixing.

If they want to do a triathlon, they will do three separate races like god intended

What do you get when you mix Corona virus with Lyme desease?

A viral joke

That spice mix took too long to make

It was a waste of my thyme

I mixed up Melatonin and Melanin

either way I'm still going dark

Dad, what are mixed feelings?

Johnny asked his father. "Dad, what are ‘mixed feelings". Johnny's dad thinks for a while before replying " It is like when I lent your car to my mother-in-law, and she falls down a cliff.

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A NSFW joke I tried to translate from Turkish

A group of bandits raided a village. They said to the women of the village; "To save the life of your family, you have to identify your husband by sucking his dick."

They blindfolded women and lined up the men of the village in a mixed order, and a few of the bandits became involved.

T...

Theo visits his sister, a veterinarian...

And being a good brother, he brought 2 cups of hot chocolate, her favorite drink. Angela, his sister thanks him, but marks her cup because after all these years she knows how forgetful he can be, and how he can mistake her cup for his.

Sure enough, after chatting a bit, Theo reaches for a cu...

What is the definition of mixed feelings?

When your mother-in-law is driving your new Tesla towards a cliff.

I accidently mixed up my letters and numbers today.

I felt like a P year old

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you're adding raisins and marshmallows

it’s a rocky road

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The reactions to the half time show are pretty mixed. I've seen some people say it was the best since Prince and some people say it's the worst since Coldplay. Others have said it was complete ass.

It’s hard to tell what they think.

Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?

Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.

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why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

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A French and British vampire walk into a bar

The French orders for a glass of champagne then mixes blood into it.

The British orders a cup of hot water, which makes the French surprised:

\- No tea?

\- Quite the contrary, my friend - The British replies - then pulls out a used tampon from his jacket

What did the scientist say when he mixed 2oxygen molecules with Yttrium, Boron, and Hydrogen

OH BOY

There is a baker names James Weir...

He loves to experiment with new and bold combinations when making his creations.

One day, he mixes a whole new set of ingredients never been mixed before and bakes a very strange looking loaf of bread.

After pulling it out of the oven, the bread pops up and comes to life, begging Jam...

What do you call a mix of ketchup and mustard?

The Spanish Inquisition

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

What do you call a husky/pug mix?

A hug!

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My friend said to me, “If I wasn’t mixing cocktails, I’d be a criminal.”

Either way, he’s behind bars.

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Cocktail

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender answers, "yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" T...

Mother Superior was curious as why all the nuns were suddenly eager to visit the village bakery.

So she decided to journey from the convent and into town to find out for herself.

When she entered the bakery, the baker greeted her with a big smile.

“Greetings Sister! What can I get for you today?”

“What do you suggest?” She asked.

“Well, this new recipe of mine has ...

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

I just made a playlist for hiking

It consists of Peanuts, Eminem, California Raisins and The Cranberries. I call it my Trail Mix.

A dad's dad joke

What do you call an elephant and a rhino mixed together?

Elephino.

I met a guy who thinks he was mixed up with his twin soon after birth.

I asked him, "What makes you think that, Joanna?"

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

Black Sabbath accused Dio of sneaking into the studio at night and messing with the mix

That seems a little paranoid

What do you get when you mix a hog and a hand grenade?

Bacon bits.

What do you put in your interstellar trail mix?

Astro-nuts

What do you get when you mix Ernest Hemingway and a shotgun?

A new Jackson Pollock painting

If you mix australia and russia together

It creates the blyatypus

I got my sleeping pills mixed up with my cats medication the other day...

Just don't ask me-ow

This morning my wife asked me whether I had any dark stuff

And I admitted that between the pandemic and the Trump administration I’ve been feeling a paralyzing mix of anxiety and depression. Then she said “No, I’m putting a load of laundry in.”

Tried to spike my pumpkin spice latte with LSD and it exploded

That’s what happens when you mix acid and basic

The Three Babies

An Englishman, Welshman and a Jamaican are in hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.
After much pacing up and down, the nurse emerges from the maternity ward and announces that each are the father to a bouncing baby boy.
“Unfortunately there’s just one small problem” she adds.
“Be...

My doctor said that I should stop mixing coffee and redbull

He’s just jealous that I can lock a drawer and still have time to throw the key inside

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So I was watching this gardening show...

... and the presenter, a renown gardener, was talking about how great it is to mix in cow dung with your strawberries.

Don't do it, it tastes like shit, stick to whipped cream and white sugar !

What is the best example of mixed feelings?

Your Mother in Law drives off a cliff.. In your new Ferrari

Q: What do you get if you mix ducks with fireworks?





**A : Firequackers.**

I would never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate.

That’s just nuts!

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