UPJOKE
combinemixtureblendcombinationcombiningconcoctioncompoundminglemergemix infuseintegratecoalesceshufflemixing

What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

Alot of dirty looks and kicked out of the petting zoo, apparently.

Alcohol and Calculus don't mix.

Don't drink and derive.

I got Grindr and Dominoes mixed up when I went to order

Regardless there is an 8 inch meat feast on the way and I’m scared.

What do you get when you mix American Literature and alcohol?

Tequila Mockingbird

I always mix up my sandwich and hookup apps.

All I know is I have a foot long Italian arriving soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I mixed up my Adderall and Viagra yesterday...

I ended up having a really hard day at work.

Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital

Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.

Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"

One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.

Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.

Polish takes the sec...

A Golden Retriever mixed with a Poodle is called a Golden Doodle.

Aren’t you glad they didn’t call it a Poo Retriever?

I annoyed my friend so he mixed up my Tic Tacs.

That's one of his Tac Tics.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got my Viagra mixed up with my sleeping tablets last night

Ended up having 40 wanks

I got my medications mixed up.

I confused my anti-depressant medication with my erectile dysfunction medication. Life just keeps getting harder.

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got jacuzzi and yakuza mixed up.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mob.

What do you get when you mix Vodka with laxatives?

A Russian tanker in Ukraine.

I knew a girl who mixed up KY Jelly and superglue

I asked her how it happened but her lips were sealed

What Do You Get When You Mix Breaking Bad With Fast Food?

Walter Whitecastle, aka “Heisenburger”.

I mixed up the Pizza Hut app and Grindr.

There is a 10” vegetarian with extra cheese on the way over and I’m not sure what to expect….

Mix up

An old man suddenly arrived in Hell in a burst of flames, looking lost and confused
The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man all my life.”
...

What happened to the guy who mixed up his Epilepsy tablets with his laundry tablets?

His clothes don't fit anymore!

If you combine Basil, Parmesan, Pinenuts and Olive Oil you get Pesto. What do you get when you mix Olive Oil, Spinach and Sweet Peas?

You get the comic and cartoon classic Popeye.

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

What kind of dog do you get when you mix a Terrier with a bulldog?

A Terribull dog (Told by my 7 year old daughter)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I invented a new cocktail...

The reviews were mixed.

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a hooker?

A two ton pickup

Why can’t Sideshow Bob mix drinks?

He’s a failed Bart ender.

Years ago my Ex used to get Facebook & Myspace mixed up

She kept telling her friends to “Come onto MyFace, everyone is doing it”

A cowboy walks into a bar

"I'd like twenty martinis in a bucket."

"Why?"

"My horse likes them."

"This I've got to see."

The bartender mixes them up and they walk out to the horse. The horse puts his muzzle in and slurps them down.

The bartender says, "That's the damnest thing I ever saw. ...

What do you get when you mix Dr. Seuss with George Michael?

Green Eggs and Wham!

I get very annoyed when people mix up there, their, and they're.

From now on I'm going two point it out weather they like it or not

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

What do you get when you mix lsd and her birth control?

A trip without kids

"Science and religion don't mix," said the priests...

...in a desperate attempt to exclude the DNA evidence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the
news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang
– he hit the pavement...

(True story) So my mother misplaced her prized red mixing bowl for cooking Christmas dinner with (despite having several other mixing bowls to utilize instead). She became increasingly panicked when she couldn't locate it, asking out loud repeatedly: "Where's my red bowl??"

So I responded: "Why do you need that particular one? Does it give you wings??"

Russian, Ukrainian and Ethiopian babies got mixed up at birth.

The doctors invited their fathers so they could try to figure out which baby belongs to whom. Ukrainian father without any hesitation just takes an Ethiopian child and is about to leave the room.

"You idiot! Can't you see, this is obviously not your child!" - shouts Russian father

"Wh...

What do you get when you mix a crack head with a Christian?

A Crystal Methodist.

As the owner of a start up gin distillery I've been trying to break into the Asian market.

Unfortunately though the Thai tonic mixes very poorly with ice.

TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway

Whops, wrong sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.


The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dud...

We shouldn't mix races, it's immoral and honestly pretty gross.

That's why I hate triathlons.

What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhinoceros?

Eliphino

There was a terrible mix up at the Make a Wish foundation

The band members of the Cure ending up meeting about 100 kids in one week

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you mix a potato and a penis?

A dictator.

What do you get when you mix a cheetah and a rhino?

A Cheeto

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you never mix Non-Orthodox and Orthodox Jews?

Because one is basic, and the other is Hasidic.

What do you get when you mix an amphibian and a caveman?

A froglodyte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy riding his trusty horse, stopped at an old tavern.

He got in and yelled "Bartender! Gimme a drink, will ya? One that's really strong!"

"Right away, sir." The bartender complied, and poured him a glass of a strong and fine scotch. However, after drinking it quickly the cowboy got angry, and made a scene.

"What the hell was that? If I as...

Can we mix up the "yo momma" jokes on this sub? They're easy, fun, and don't get done enough.

Just like yo sista.

People said I was crazy for getting mixed vaccines

But I like to think of myself as a Modern-izer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got tetanus and tinnitus mixed up at my doctor's office the other day...

Now they say that hearing is a bit rusty.

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

I hate spelling errors. You mix up a couple letters and your whole post is

Urined

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you mix a blowjob with a drill?

A Black and Decker pecker wrecker.

Teen drinking story

As a teen I stayed over a friend's house one weekend. We thought we were far to young and clever to get caught raiding the liquor cabinet. I made a bit of a distraction asking for food while he opened the cabinet and grabbed the biggest bottle. We got snuck the bottle back to his room. We each had a...

What do you get when you mix a motorcycle with a joke?

A Yamahaha.

What do you get when your French and Spanish friends mix?

Mon amigos

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you mix poop, a parrot, and a newborn puppy?

A shit-talking son of a bitch.

What do you get when you mix a gullible and an optimistic person.

Read it again

My boyfriend is always annoyed that I always mix up my directions, and he finally told me to leave,

So I packed my bags and I right left away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The tourist and the French girl

An American tourist visited a 5-star hotel in Paris.
As he sat at the bar, enjoying his drink, a red hot French girl in a red dress, came to him and said something in French, which he wasn't able to understand.
Unable to get over her heavenly body mixed with the heady aroma of her French perfu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a prostitute’s favourite snack?

Mixed nuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy dreams of one day working at his favorite sandwich shop.

And so, he asks the owner if he could see how the sandwiches are made. Delighted, the owner shows him how he grinds his own peanut butter, prepares his own pickles and even whips up his own mayonnaise. The boy is so excited that he blurts out his deepest wish--to see how the owner makes his signatu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?

His woodworking looked like shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birthday Mix-Up (Long)

A young man wished to purchase  a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note--romantic, but not too personal.

   

   Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger siste...

What's a mixed feeling?

When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

What do you get when you mix a duck and a cow?

Milk and quackers

What do you get when you mix a snowman with a vampire?

frostbite!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese chemistry teacher say when he mixed sodium and nitrogen?

NaNi???

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

An old man dies and goes to heaven...

When he gets there, he is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

He turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of cherries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, he sees someone wh...

Mix Tabasco sauce with your hand sanitiser

It won't make it any more effective, but it will remind you not to touch your face and eyes.

What kind of crazy creature do you get when you mix a yak and a lion?

A maney-yak.

How do you mix boy and girl chromosomes?

Pull down their genes.

A Gorilla Walks Into A Bar.

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the...

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

What do you get when you snort a mix of cocaine and speed?

Speed bumps

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia.

About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA

EDIT: Wow this blew up!

What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic person?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you mix Donald trump and a jew

Orange juice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same time.

There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.


After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you mix a donkey and an onion

A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye

I just finished my hiking playlist, it has peanuts, the cranberries and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix

I think Pfizer got their drugs mixed up...

I got the Covid vaccine, but now when I cough I get an erectipn.

today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink

it gave me a religious movement

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you mix Viagra with Rogain?

Don King

So I went to a mixed religion seminar...

The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused...

Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?

Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.

My wife wanted to mix things up in the bedroom...

So I moved the bed to the other side of the room.

What do you call a fruit mixed with a stone that *isn’t* a stone fruit?

...Pome*granite.*

Not sure what to do with the leftover pancake mix...

Should I throw it away or do you have a batter idea?

An employee at the cookie factory fell into the dough mixing vat.

It looks like he's going to make it, but he was badly battered.

What do you get when you mix Jack Daniel’s with Smirnoff?

Jacknoff?

What do you get when you mix divorce checks with counterfeit money?

Aliphony!

I have this rare condition where I may get consecutive numbers mixed up, and my friend just got diagnosed recently.

I thought I was the only two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being bisexual is like a mix of being straight and being gay

It's graight

A Man Buys several Acres in the Countryside

and hires a local contractor to build a fence around his new property.

The next day, the contractor arrives in his pickup with a small trailer of tools and materials to begin work on the fence.

The contractor begins digging the first hole with a shovel only to find the ground is mostl...

Why did the baker mix in his flour slowly instead of doing it quickly?

He didn't want to whisk it.

What do you get if you mix a horse with a cat?

A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone involved.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.