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Ad Jokes

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Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

A man answered an ad that read "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour"..

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test.

He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess.

When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year

Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."

"What makes you think you're great ...

A woman, tired of being alone, posts a personal ad

In the ad, she says she's looking for a man who won't beat her, won't walk out on her, and can please her in bed.

A few days later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and is surprised to find a man on her doorstep with no arms or legs. "I'm here about the personal ad," the man says casual...

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

What word means the same thing with several letters added?

Mailbox

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Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

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A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Guys, don't install Ad Blocker

I did, and now hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more :(

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the newspaper.

So I entered my sister.

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Personals ad...

A woman placed an ad looking for man, her only requirements was that he would never hit her, never walk out on her, and have an enormously long penis. After 2 weeks of rejecting enthusiastic suitors she began to give up hope of finding love. Finally one day a quadraplegic guy in a wheel chair rings ...

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Stripper's dating ad

A stripper got desperate and tired of the men she was with always turning out to be assholes. She puts an ad on a dating say simply saying "I want a man who will never beat me, never run away from me, and is good in bed" after dating a few more assholes the doorbell rings one day. She opens the door...

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I..

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

Newspaper ad:

Needed: identical twin sisters with large difference in weight, for advertising a weight loss program.

Adding a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

Jeffrey ate John's sandwich.

Jeffrey ate John's colon.

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YouTube ads are like horny men.

Popping up every thirty seconds.

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

The Dating Ad

A woman places an ad in the newspaper. "Woman searches love: Must be respectful and never abuse me. Must be not run to the pub and return late drunk. Must be a great lover."

Sometime later that week the doorbell rings and she opens the door surprised to see a quadriplegic in a wheelchai...

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I was on PornHub the other day and there was an ad that read: 'free asian asshole pics'.

When I clicked on it it was just a picture of Xi Jinping.

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

AD 1147, A king decides to join other monarchs on Crusade in the Holy Land

He readies his army and appoints a regent to rule in his absence, then consults with his chamberlain to put his personal affairs in order.
"Most importantly, he concluded, I entrust you with this." handing the chamberlain a small bronze key. "If I should fall in battle you must give this to the ...

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Every job ad nowadays says they want a "Rockstar"

but when I snort coke off a customer's breasts, they fire me!

If not for the last five seconds of a perfume ad,

...no one would have known it's a perfume ad.

my favourite logical fallacy is the ad hominem

and if you disagree, you're an idiot

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What do you call an ad about making women cum??

Clit-bait.

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A woman put an ad in on Craigslist

"Want: a man who won't run around on me, a man who won't abuse me, and a man who is great in bed. Please apply in person."

She submitted it and waited a few weeks, but no one came to apply.

Finally, the door bell ran one morning. She went to answer the doorbell and there was a man in a...

Trump reportedly asked to be added to Mount Rushmore

Turns out granite isn't a dense enough material to represent him

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AdBlock ruined my sex life

There are no more hot singles near me

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Personals Ad

Premature ejaculator seeks woman with big tits, a curvy arse and.... oh, never mind.

Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet...

I keep adding bath salts in the tub

But it still doesn't taste right.

Ever since I downloaded AdBlock on my computer...

All the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest.

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TV ad for Benson's Nails

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."

A week goes by and the marketing execut...

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

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a desperate woman puts an ad on craigslist.

she writes: "all i want is a man who won't hit me, won't abandon me, and has a large penis. if these conditions apply to you here's my address"

a few days later she hears a loud knock on the door

man: hello i saw your personal ad and i think we're perfect for each other, as you can see...

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Submitted Dating ad:

I am man, 33, looking for a long term relationship.
Profession: Member of parliament for 11 years.
Traits: Strenuous, hard-working, righteous, honest, incorrupt, truthful, fighting for the rights of poor people.

Answer:
I am 30.
Profession: Working 15 years as a prostitute.
Tra...

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All of the suggested ads I'm seeing online today are for Viagra and it's frustrating and annoying.

I think they're just trying to get a rise out of me.

I added Paul Walker on Xbox,

but he spends all his time on the dashboard.

My brother recently seen an ad on kijiji for a 42" TV.

Boy was he shocked when a crossdressing little person showed up at his door.

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A widow puts out an ad for a man...

She put out an ad for a man that would not beat her, not run away, and could satisfy her sexually. A few days later the doorbell rings. And in the doorway is a man with no arms or legs. He told her he was there to answer her ad, and she asked him why he thought he fit the criteria.

"Well, I h...

An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says "Photographer wanted for Miami-based luxury bikini line". Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "Is that photographer ad a joke?"

"No," says the voice on the other line. "One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one."

"Cool! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me."<...

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A lady places an online ad looking for the perfect man.

Her post read “Looking for a man who will not cheat, who will not run away, and who is good in bed!”

She received many replies but none that met all three criteria.

Several months went by and she began to lose hope.

One day the doorbell rang and it was a quadriplegic man smiling...

Ever since I installed AdBlocker

There are no more hot singles in my area waiting to meet

There are so many letters added to LGBT nowadays,

it may as well be called LGBTLDR

My libertarian neighbor posted a newspaper ad selling his collection of Star Trek ships.

And here I thought he believed in free Enterprise.

Most successful personal ad in the UK ever

Old, fat, bald, poor man seeks woman. HAVE AIR CON

Turns out there are hundreds of woman in my area who want to meet me right now!

What's the worst part about Ad Blockers?

Suddenly, there's no more hot moms in my area who want to meet up anymore

What movie was basically just an ad?

The Hulk. It was just one giant Banner.

A man sees an ad in the paper

The ad reads "Guaranteed program to help you get fit!"

The man thinks to himself "you know, I can stand to lose a few pounds" and calls the number. A man answers the phone and says "thank you for contacting us. We offer 3 plans. The first is our lightest plan and the third is our most intens...

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Of all the logical fallacies (ad hominem, straw man, causal) my favorite is the phallusy fallacy...

its when you're wrong AND you're being a dick about it.

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A 50 year old women posts a dating ad.

" I need a man who wont beat me, wont leave me, and must be good in bed. Will share all my wealth."

A day later, she hears her door bell ring. To her surprise a man with no legs or arms in a wheel chair greets her.

" this is a joke right? Are you here about the ad?" says the women....

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

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I posted an ad looking for someone to do odd jobs for me.

A guy replied, offering to jerk me off with his feet, armpit, or elbows.

I guess the TV ads were lying to us all the time.

Aren’t you supposed to call the doctor if your election lasts this long?

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A woman puts an ad in the paper for a new husband

After many years in an unsuccessful marriage, a woman puts an ad for a new husband in the paper. She says she’s looking for a man who won’t hit her, run around on her, and is good in bed.

The next day, the doorbell rings. She answers it, and to her surprise, a man without arms or legs is sitt...

Why didn't the Scottish roofer click on the naughty webpage ad?

He'd had enough hot shingles in his area already.

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An old lady puts an ad in the paper, looking for a husband...

She decides honesty is the best policy, and sets three rules that applicants must meet:

They must not run around on her.
They must not hit her.
They must be good in bed.

A few days go by after she placed her ad, when the doorbell rings. She opens the door to find an old guy ...

A nail company wants to expand their business...

The firm, a long-established family company called Wilson's Nails, has seen their revenue declining in recent years and decides to try an ad campaign to boost sales. They contact a highly regarded Madison Avenue ad agency to produce an ad for them; After a few weeks, the agency sits the owners and s...

Diamond ad companies

Diamonds are forever

Diamonds will take her breath away

Diamonds will render her speechless

What they really mean,

diamonds, that'll shut her up!

Credit: Ron white

A man placed an ad online saying, "Wife wanted."

He got hundreds of messages the next day saying, "You can have mine."

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Daughters.

A mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl se...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

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What did the deer prostitute say in her ad?

Get more bang for your buck!

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PETA claims that their ads have significantly reduced animal abuse...

But seeing those nude models in billboards and magazines spread have only made me beat my monkey harder

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Why do ad agencies use Meiosis?

Because sex cells!













I thought of this during biology earlier lol

I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today

Never fired, dropped once

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The wife asked what would happen if we added smoking weed to our sex

I answered : “489”

Below is an ad that appeared in The Atalanta Journal.

Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips; cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of ...

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar

The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "sort it out yourselves."

if you added the letters S and E to the X files

it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol

An ad in the newspaper

A woman's husband ran away, taking all their money and valuables. She eventually decides to move on by looking for love in the newspaper.

Her ad read: "Seeking lover.
•must not steal.
•must not run away.
•must be great in bed. "

A few days later, the doorbell rings. She o...

The Boy Scouts just added a level after Eagle

Plaintiff

A business owner posted an ad on classifieds looking for logo designers...

The ad said: "Looking for a talented youth that can design an attractive logo. As I am a small business owner, the work is unpaid. You will be working for exposure."

A recently graduated graphic designer reads this ad. As he was unemployed and struggling to find a job, he thought that he woul...

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A Doctor posts an ad in the paper...

So... this Doctor posts an ad saying "I can cure any disease for $500. If I can't cure you, you get $1000."
So this fellow who is looking to make a quick buck figures, what the hell. Looking on the internet for a disease with no cure, he finds -Tastoritis- the inability to taste any food.
"Do...

Found out they're adding a Priest villager in the new Minecraft update

I really thought the Creeper was sufficient.

I saw an ad looking for a bike for an 11 year old boy.

Terrible trade. He eats a ton and is not a hard worker.

The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary

He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:

...

A guy sees an ad in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."

The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.

The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.

He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you wan...

Corona didn’t need an ad in the Super Bowl for their beer.

It’s already gone viral.

[Ad] We asked 100 people what it’s like getting the chair..

The results will shock you…

I saw an ad for burial plots

and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

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How are a pornstar and a mobile game ad the same?

You watch it for 30 seconds and then hit the "x" button.

Jewish ad campaign

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sund...

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Fake Porn Ads be like [NSFW]

\-Hot girls

\-fron your Area

\-Want to fuck



Pick 2.

Someone saw an ad stating "I make your excellent birthday parties or weddings even better " then got curios and called the number on the ad then asked.

\- What do you do to make good birthday parties or weddings even better?

\- I sing on the cake.



Note: just a little cake day joke.

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The Turks invented sex

and then the Greeks improved it by removing the sheep and adding lubrication.

The Romans perfected it by discovering that you could have it with women too, then the French ruined it by adding misogynistic condescension, and the British made it worse by adding shame; after that, the Americ...

Adding Flavor

Did you know, you can make any dish an autumn dish by adding one simple step? Try dropping it on the floor. It really gives it that fall flavor.

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Saw an ad about dildos. It said ‘9 inches and realistic’.

I was like ‘well, which is it?’

Can somebody help me translate 'orbis terrarum ad mihi' from Latin?

It would mean the world to me.

Entry level job ad

Minimum 8 years of experience

You can call me an ad...

Because I keep getting blocked

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I saw an ad for a butterfly knife

And I was like "a knife? How big are these butterflies?"

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A woman, tired of bad relationships, posts an ad online

The ad reads "Looking for a man who would treat me right and won't hit me, who would never run away from me, and would give me the best sex of my life. If you meet this criteria, come see me at 22A Greenich avenue"

People come and go, but noone is to her liking. Just when she was about to giv...

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, ...

What's a fat cannibal's favorite popup ad?

Are you looking for hot lo-cal singles in your area?

A man sees an ad for a local sporting goods store

There's a buy 1, get 1 free offer for shirts with a nautical theme print.

Later that day as he enters the store, lights begin to flash, balloons fall, and the store manager walks over holding a tent.

The man is confused. "I just came in for the sale of two sea tees!"

The ...

A politician dies...

...and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and he...

A marketing team had to make a Coca-Cola ad for Arabia

So they sent their best man on the job. When he came back, they saw that the campaign failed miserably and nobody was buying the product. So the team asked him what happened. He explained:

We made a billboard with three images. On the first one, there is a person that is very unhealthy and a...

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An ad was posted for a therapist's office

"If you have troubles, tell us about them. If not, tell us how you do it.

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Turns out using ad block pisses off more people than I originally thought.

None of the hot singles in my area wanted to have sex with me after I installed it.

The ad said, "Answers! $50. No questions asked."

So I handed the guy 50 bucks, he said "no" and walked away.

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Tourism ad for Holland: Come, have sex and get stoned.

Below that
Tourism ad for Saudi Arabia: Ditto

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

The worst thing about ad-libs...

Is that they are _____.

Saw an ad for 50% off laser hair removal

Why stop at half? Might as well get the whole thing done.

So local vet‘s video ad was banned.

It was a video showing how they treat a wet tiny kitten after being attacked by a massive rooster.

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

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A NYC Ad Exec has had enough...

So he buys five acres in Oklahoma to get away from it all and starts the ranch and farming life. He's been living there alone with no other human contact for seven months. One day, this mountain of a dude comes ambling up. He says, "I'm your next door neighbor, five miles down the road. There's goi...

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages?

Because it was the time of knights.

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Ad in the Newspaper

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the newspaper, that was asking for a man who: 1)would treat her nicely 2)wouldn't run away from her, 3)would be good in bed.

Three...

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

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