I'm starting a band who will sing songs in the style of Boy George that publicly shame bad behavior and call for boycotts of questionable opinions...

...It's called Cancel Culture Club.

I watched a documentary on the feeding behaviors and biology of cattle...

"Graze Anatomy"

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

My friend Jack has recently started an odd behavior. Every time I see him he starts hissing.

And then he proceeds to let me down gently.

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Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
r&...

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Apparently taking too much Viagra can affect your IQ and cause aggressive behavior.

But the fuck I care about some crappy Apple products anyways

Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

The correct behavior may be wrong

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

We'll call it "The cognitive and behavioral fun time vacation for people with ADHD"

'Cause apparently "concentration camp" isn't politically correct

When asked about the inappropriate behavior by his priests the pope said

“it’s an age old problem.”

Mr. Waetherman's tips to combating boredom.

Mr. and Mrs. Weatherman are retired. Mrs. Weatherman insists that Mr. Weatherman go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Weatherman loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:


Dear Mrs. Weatherman, Ov...

Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo.

The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.



The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."

The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
...

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior.

He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.

Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, “but I don’t know her size.”
“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
“Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”
“Will there be anything else?” the ...

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A Behavioral Psychologist just finished having sex with his wife

He turns to her and says "It was good for you, was it good for me?"

WHAT DO WE WANT? PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?







Well, we're sure you're really busy with all of your important things.

So, we'll just have to wait, until you feel that we've waited long enough, and maybe then, you'll be able to find some time for others.

It's fine.

One day, a man, upon returning from church carried his wife on his shoulder and started dancing and smiling.

His wife, surprised by his behavior, asked: "Honey, did the pastor preach today on how to be romantic ?"

The husband answered: "No, he said that we should carry our STRESS, BURDENS and SORROWS with joy"

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The old couple

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat
.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to...

Everyone's talking about how inappropriate Louis CK's behavior has been...

...personally, I think he handled himself quite well.

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Two behavioral psychologists were lying in bed after sex

One says the other, "So it was good for you, was it good for me?"

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her

“You have the right to remain silent” he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

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In honor of America's upcoming Independence Day, do you know why America spells "behavior", "color", and "humor" the way they do?

Because **fuck u**, that's why!

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

An old mathematician turns 89...

Soon after, his friends and family are astounded as he suddenly begins taking up a variety of sports, buying the newest things, and being as active as if he were in his twenties.
Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm...

Typical wife behavior

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.

When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fas...

Hillary was asked if Weinstein's behavior compared to that of her husband's.

She said "Close, but no cigar."

What does a police officer in rural Pennsylvania say when he sees suspicious behavior?

"Hmm, something's Amish here."

Lews CK is not responsible for his behavior...

During these alleged assaults, he was having a stroke.

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Inappropriate Workplace Behavior

So this girl at work has always kind of had a thing for me right, but this week especially she's been like you're so cool, I like your shirt, blah blah all up in my biz and eventually she tells me that she really wants to see it. Holy shit right?! So I had been mulling that over for a couple of days...

A man finally decides to give contact lenses a try...

An Ontario man finally decides to get rid of his glasses and give contact lenses a try. He gets them in the mail, tries them on and is astounded at the results. To celebrate, he decides to take a long drive into Quebec to admire the changing leaves.

He crosses the border and gets very excited...

That’s one amazing chimpanzee..

A widow walks into a pet store and approaches one of the sales reps, “My husband died recently and I’ve been feeling really lonely. Do you have any recommendations for a pet to keep me company?”

The sales rep says “What about a dog?”

“No no no, I’ve already had a dog and they’re a lot ...

Ahoy Matey!

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak ...

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A man is worried about his wife's erratic behavior, so he takes her to the doctor's office...

When the couple arrives, the husband explains the situation, and the doctor takes her into an examination room to perform a battery of tests. When they return, the doctor sends the woman out into the waiting room and tells the man he isn't sure if his wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's. The man frantica...

A Farmer and His Pigs

One day, a businessman living in New York decides he needs a break. He is feeling a little beat-up by the stresses of city life, and he concludes that a leisurely drive in the country would do him a world of good. So, he rents a car, and he sets off on his quest to find some peace of mind.

As...

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a whi...

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My talk with the Principal

I was a cocky little turd when I was younger. I remember getting called into the principal's office once when I was 9 years old.

"You're behavior is getting worse and worse each day. Standards really are slipping."

"Ahem, I'll do the talking" he said.

Ugly baby

A woman gets on a train with her baby. After the train leaves the station a drunk comes staggering down the aisle, takes one look at the baby and stops dead n his tracks, “Lady,”he says “that has got to be the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean, that is one UGLY baby” and he staggers...

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My parents taught me well

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't stra...

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I met a girl who was a grammar nazi

We liked the same music. The same movies. The conversation was so effortless. After only two dates, I knew she was the one. We had a third date lined up, and I knew we were going to have sex, but then she went to jail.

I wrote to her constantly, counting the days until she'd be free and we c...

Mbeki and his elephant

Mbeki was a boy who live in a small village on the edge of the great Serengeti plain of Africa. Mbeki would spend days watching the animals on the plain, learning and studying their behaviors.

Twice a year during the great animal migration from their summer to their winter feeding grounds and...

I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no.....

it's just fowl behavior.

Ed Smith was a famous but rude ore trader in the area.

ED SMITH'S SHOP.

It was one of the biggest landmarks in the town. You could just look at that big metal sign and see how proud the man was of his trade.

No matter how good a businessman he was, Ed's arrogant behavior was loathed by pretty much everyone. He was too proud of his riches, ...

I recently learned that bison of eastern new york who are bullied by bison of the same region mimic the behavior upon the remainder of the community. In other words...

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

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Lunch

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language and bad behavior of the workers there and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk to them about goodness, kin...

The World’s Greatest Gambler

A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney.

The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you com...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

What do you call houses who have good behavior?

Manors.

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Hi, my name is Rico the Rooster, and I’m a sex addict.

Over the course of 12 months, Farmer Ted saved every penny that he could to purchase the prize winning rooster known as Rico. Little did he know, Rico the rooster was a sexy addict. Farmer Ted returned home from the prize winning rooster auction and began to introduce his farm animals to Rico, as so...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans

Stolen from Facebook:

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible fo...

Stop Cloning Around

A mad scientist managed to clone himself, but something went wrong. His clone would repeatedly stick his head out the fourth-story window, and curse at people below. The scientist was at a loss, and deeply embarrassed by his clone's behavior. After two weeks of pleading and threatening his clone, th...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny’s next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a wise c...

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

A farmer is out in his field...

A farmer is out in his field planting seeds. Once he finishes, he makes arrangements to sell the farm and purchase some nearby land.



The other people in his small town are puzzled by this, but they brush it off as some eccentric behavior.



After purchasing the new land, ...

Handsome and rich and......

A man walks into a bar and everybody turns to look at him. He is the most handsome man any of them have ever seen. Even the men can't stop looking at him. On his shoulder is a little man not even a foot tall. He walks up to the bar and tells the bartender, I would like to buy a round for the house, ...

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road
and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with
him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved. But he heard
a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he did...

A Jewish kid's parents sent him to a Jewish school

After a week he was kicked for bad behavior, so they sent him to another Jewish school. He was kicked from there as well, so they chose to send him to a Catholic school instead.

After a month they came to a school meeting, and the teachers praised the kid and said he does really well.

...

Two Little Troublemakers

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do a...

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When Bill and Hillary first got married

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked ins...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

The teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”

One boy says, “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.

The boy shouts from the other side of the ...

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A female gorilla is alone in a cage at the zoo...

... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He wal...

The Whistler

A Professor started his class on a very serious Topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the Whistler's name. No one answered.

The Professor peacefully kept the Pen in his pocket saying: "Lecture ends here. I'll...

The Lords email sent folder...

One day G-d was looking down at Earth and saw all the bad behavior that was going on ...

So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time ...

When he returned, he told G-d, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not ...

...

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Mountain Moonshine

Tom worked at a popular bar in New York City and had to deal with a lot of shitty people on a daily basis. To get away from everyone he decided to take a vacation far out west to find peace and solitude; a place where no one would bother him.

He rented a cabin deep in the wilds of Montana, w...

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A man walks into his doctors office....

A man walks into his doctors office with one side of his face bruised and beat up.

“Good lord!” the doctor said. “What in the world happened?”

“Well” the man said, “I was sitting there in church, and when the preacher said ‘all rise’, this woman in front of me stood up and her skirt wa...

Diary Entries of a Married Couple

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I s...

The husband of the woman next door died.

The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her hom...

A Young Jewish boy kept acting up at school..

One day, the school calls his father and says, "Your son keeps acting up in class, and his behaviour is unacceptable. We'd reccomend placement in another school."

So the father talks to his son and decides he's gonna send him to a private school.

A week later, the private school calls ...

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A prison guard gives Bill Cosby and opportunity...

After several brutal years in prison, Bill Cosby is approached by a prison guard who presents him with what seems like a great opportunity.

"Bill," he says, "you've demonstrated good behavior in here for the past couple years despite all the harassment from the other inmates. I know it must n...

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Mountain Man

Well Tom was a high powered business man and successful stock market trader, but he sure was fed up with life in the fast lane of New York City. Fed up with the hustle and the bustle. Fed up with the fickle market. But one night, sipping scotch, he realized that the root of all his problems was PEOP...

My first wife was a Brit. I loved her accent and the different words she had for things.

She called the bathroom the "loo." She called the pharmacy the "chemist." But my favorite was the "post." It was a noun and a verb. The mail I brought home was called the "post," and when she wanted me to mail something, I was "posting" it.

We were not wealthy by any means, but after we had b...

The Zoo Joke (Long)

So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.

One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are ...

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This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:

Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
Teller: "Excuse me, sir?"
M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T: "Sir, you leave me no choic...

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A man is working in the produce section of a grocery store when an elderly woman approaches him...

“Excuse me, young man. Where is the broccoli?” The man says, “Sorry ma’am, but we just ran out. Please come back tomorrow and we should have some more.”
A bit confused, the old woman walks away.

A few minutes later, the same woman approaches the man again.
“Pardon me, I don’t see the ...

An angel appears at a faculty meeting

and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lig...

Unfaithful Husband

A wife was beginning to suspect that her husband had become unfaithful, coming home at odd hours of the night with the excuse that he was out playing cards with friends.


One night the couple had plans for a masquerade party, but as the husband was getting ready the wife mentioned that she...

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A drunk man sits down next to a priest on the subway...

A drunk Man sits down on a subway train next to a catholic priest. The man wreaked of a stale beer and cigarette smoke, his tie was stained with and his shirt filthy, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

The man opened ...

I got fired from my job as a teacher for sending a student to the office for being tardy

Apparently, it's not acceptable behavior for a special ed teacher

Why 6 was really afraid of 7

6 was just a normal girl, she met 7 on a dating app. They went out several times after that and a few dates later 7 proposed. 6 was ecstatic, they got married within the month and when they moved into a new house they quickly made friends with their neighbors, 9 and 10. 6 soon noticed strange behavi...

I remember when I finally knocked out the school bully. I thought I'd be an instant hero, but apparently...

...it's 'appalling behavior' for a parent.

The other day, my son was kicked out of the zoo,

The security staff found him throwing chocolates and flowers into one of the enclosures. He said he had found 'the love of his life' and just wanted to give her some tokens of his love. Naturally, I was very concerned about this sort of behavior and didn't want to encourage any relationship of t...

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A retail store manager calls one of his male employees into his office.

The employee walks in with soaking wet hands.

“I’m sorry sir, but we’re going to have to let you go,” says the manager.

“Seriously?! Why is that?,” the man replies

“Well you use the women’s restroom at least 15 times a day, and many employees and customers have complained abou...

A friend calls his engineer friend

A friend calls his engineer friend. What are you doing? He asks. The engineer answers "I'm in the middle of the project hydro thermal behavior of porcelain glass and metals under a controlled high-pressured environment". I am not sure I understand, can you explain it in plain language?. And the engi...

What's the difference between a social norm and a social more?

When you have an informal understanding that governs the behavior of members of a society, that a norm.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a more.

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.

This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally, it stopped.

George thought to himself, "Oh no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."

He open...

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I got fired today for arranging the vegetables in a sexually suggestive way

Apparently that's "unacceptable behavior for a special needs teacher".

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A guy goes in for an interview at a big company...

The guy has prepared well and he’s crushed all of the behavioral and technical questions. It seems as if he’s going to get the position. Then the interviewer says:

“I just have one last question. What is your greatest weakness?”

The guy responds “My greatest weakness is my honesty.”...

Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiously loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says,...

A dad sends his son to his room

"Go to your room!" Dad exclaimed, frustrated at his son's behavior.

"Jim Morrison is overrated!" yelled the son as he stormed down the hall.

The dad yelled furiously, "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors?!"

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I bought a parrot at an auction...

I bought a parrot at an auction, hoping that a companion might help me get through some tough times. The car ride home, the parrot had been quiet and an uneasy tension was building. Throughout the first night, my parrot remained quiet, but the next morning, I awoke to a machine-gun sequence of swe...

A hypercube is trying to enter a two-dimensional bar...

The guy at the door stops him and says, "Hey! big guy, you're not allowed in here. Can't you read the sign? 2-dimensional beings only. Now step aside please."

"Excuse me, but what kind of an utterly and inexcusably discriminatory policy is this?" exclaims the hypercube. "I ought to report yo...

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