I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section.

All I did was take a leek.

The sudden blurry vision, forgetfulness, and erratic behavior had me convinced I had brain cancer.

Neurologist said it was all in my head.

In a library a guy asked a girl if he could sit beside her.

To this the girl shouted her reply saying: I dont wanna sleep with you at night pervert. Embarrassed the guy went to sit somewhere else.
After a few minutes the girl quietly went to the guy and told: I study psychology and can understand human mind and behavior. You were embarrassed weren't you? ...

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My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do?

"Because fuck u that's why."

-- George Washington, Revolutionary War

What do apostrophes and demonic behavior have in common?

They're both signs of possession.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Warning: No Punchline) A drunk is hauled in off the street and taken before the magistrate, who asks him to explain his drunken behavior.

”Well,” says the drunk, ”I had ten bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or I’d be in trouble."

”So I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass...

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Mr. & Mrs. Johnson live on a farm by themselves. One day, an Alien spaceship lands in front of their house.

As the Johnsons go to investigate, the ship’s doors open and two aliens that look similar to humans walk out. Speaking perfect English, the aliens make a proposition to the Johnsons to trade partners for the night to understand human sexual behavior. The Johnsons, curious of what the experience woul...

A man walking sees a farming trying to push his pig up in a tree

He shakes his head at the strange sight and continues his walk to town and finishes his errands and begins his walk home.
On his way back he spots the same farmer still struggling to get that same pig up a tree.

After watching this strange behavior for a few minutes, he calls out to the fa...

Two heroin addicts die and stand before Saint Peter at the pearly gates

They ask Saint Peter if they’re allowed in, and Peter reviews their records.

“Wow, I’m really not sure guys. It says here you’ve done a lot of bad things. Stealing, lying, generally bad addict behavior things. I can’t make this call, I have to go ask the big guy himself”, Peter says.

...

Another Lawyer Joke

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt lik...

The Right Choice

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears i...

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior.

He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.

Biden looked like a prisoner constantly having bad behavior.

'Cause he couldn't finish a sentence.

Did you hear about the music conductor who was fired for inappropriate behavior?

He was caught maestrobating backstage and his manager saw him a beat off

I grew up listening to music that demeaned women, glorified violence and normalized criminal behavior. I know it definitely influenced the culture around me.

Thankfully, I stopped listening to country music and found hip hop.

How is a catholic tailor like a behavioral psychiatrist?

They’ve both learned how to alter habits.

I watched a documentary on the feeding behaviors and biology of cattle...

"Graze Anatomy"

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My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

I'm starting a band who will sing songs in the style of Boy George that publicly shame bad behavior and call for boycotts of questionable opinions...

...It's called Cancel Culture Club.

The moon is basically a walmart sun

it reflects the behavior of the original product, but it just isn't the same

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave.....

discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"

And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"

My friend Jack has recently started an odd behavior. Every time I see him he starts hissing.

And then he proceeds to let me down gently.

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Apparently taking too much Viagra can affect your IQ and cause aggressive behavior.

But the fuck I care about some crappy Apple products anyways

Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo.

The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.



The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."

The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
...

We'll call it "The cognitive and behavioral fun time vacation for people with ADHD"

'Cause apparently "concentration camp" isn't politically correct

I recently bought a ornery horse named Mayo and have been trying to have a serious talk with him about his behavior but he never responds...

...After about the 4th or 5th try he looked me dead in the eye and said, "Mayo doesn't talk, Mayo neighs."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame had died

The priests realized they would need a new person to ring the bells. They decided to hold auditions. After advertising the position in the town center there was a long line of peasants waiting to try out the next day.

One by one the priests called the peasants forward to pull the rope, ring t...

The correct behavior may be wrong

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Everyone's talking about how inappropriate Louis CK's behavior has been...

...personally, I think he handled himself quite well.

WHAT DO WE WANT? PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?







Well, we're sure you're really busy with all of your important things.

So, we'll just have to wait, until you feel that we've waited long enough, and maybe then, you'll be able to find some time for others.

It's fine.

When asked about the inappropriate behavior by his priests the pope said

“it’s an age old problem.”

Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, “but I don’t know her size.”
“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
“Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”
“Will there be anything else?” the ...

Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?

I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.

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Two behavioral psychologists were lying in bed after sex

One says the other, "So it was good for you, was it good for me?"

women vs men

Women are so difficult. Always changing their minds...,

At 18, they want handsome men.

At 25, they want mature men.

At 30, they want successful men.

At 40, they want established men.

At 50, they want faithful men.

At ...

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In Prison vs. At Work

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.

AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... You get time off for good be...

An old preacher was dying.

He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, s...

Man Runs From Cop

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding but the guy runs, eventually reaching in excess of 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good ex...

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

A son was walking along side his father

While walking, the kid was looking at his phone and didn’t notice a pole in front of him, which resulted with him colliding with the pole.

The father said, “That was some a”pole”ing behavior” and began to laugh at his own joke

The son, being slightly irritated, snapped back at the fath...

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

Typical wife behavior

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.

When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fas...

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An American anthropologist is studying cultures throughout Western Africa.

He discovers an isolated civilization in the West African Jungle. It’s a small village with wooden houses and plenty of domesticated animals. The anthropologist is impressed by the organization of the village and becomes eager to learn more about the culture of it’s inhabitants.

He approa...

Hillary was asked if Weinstein's behavior compared to that of her husband's.

She said "Close, but no cigar."

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the ...

[Long] A man goes into a hotel with a built-in restaurant

He checks in, goes to his room to read, then he goes to the restaurant and sits on one of the central tables.

He then orders the meal and waits for it, but he also notices that the waiter seems to always serve guests who are sitting near the room's walls.

The man gets a bit irritated...

What does a police officer in rural Pennsylvania say when he sees suspicious behavior?

"Hmm, something's Amish here."

A man decides to go to a bar where he sees a blonde woman.

Conversation begins and the two hit it off. The blonde eventually asks the man when his birthday is.

“March 1st,” the man replies. Suddenly, the blonde gets up and stomps around the bar before coming back to her seat.

“So when is your birthday?” the woman again asks.

Not bein...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

At one of his rallies Trump had the crowd chanting 12 more years!

Personally I'm hoping for 12 to 20 with time off for good behavior.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inappropriate Workplace Behavior

So this girl at work has always kind of had a thing for me right, but this week especially she's been like you're so cool, I like your shirt, blah blah all up in my biz and eventually she tells me that she really wants to see it. Holy shit right?! So I had been mulling that over for a couple of days...

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

I definitely think Trump will get at least 270.

But with parole and good behavior, it could be as little as 200.

3 prisoners

2 men are in prison and have been given the life sentence. Now these two cell mates have nothing to do, so they have resorted to telling jokes to pass the time. After a couple years they have been telling the same ild jokes over and over but they ate still funny and every time they tell one they rol...

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A man is worried about his wife's erratic behavior, so he takes her to the doctor's office...

When the couple arrives, the husband explains the situation, and the doctor takes her into an examination room to perform a battery of tests. When they return, the doctor sends the woman out into the waiting room and tells the man he isn't sure if his wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's. The man frantica...

A church joke in honor of Sunday

In the middle of a sermon, a man in the congregation got up and walked outside.

The wife went running up to the pastor after the sermon to apologize for her husband's rude behavior.

The pastor thanked her for the apology and said he had noticed her husband's strange behavior and was wo...

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A shy man enters a bar

He sees a cute girl sitting at the bar and sits down near her. About an hour later he finally comes up to her and quietly asks her:
-Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink?
The girl screams:
-No! I am NOT having sex with you!!
Everyone at the bar turns and stares at him. Humiliated, he ...

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A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him the...

I recently learned that bison of eastern new york who are bullied by bison of the same region mimic the behavior upon the remainder of the community. In other words...

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

(Long) Did you hit your wife?

So I have heard you hit your wife, is that true?

**Before I marry her she was hungery and poor all the time. She now livea a much better life**

I was asking if you hit her.

**The whole community acknowdges the improvement of our household**

I didn’t ask that, I was asking...

Every lunch hour Barry picked up a can of dog food at the deli,

went across the street to a park bench, and ate the whole can with evident gusto. A doctor who happened to pass through the park regularly couldn't help noticing Barry's behavior and finally couldn't resist offer. ing some advice. "I'm an internist," he explained, "and I think you should know tha...

What do you call houses who have good behavior?

Manors.

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

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I ran into the drummer from my old high school garage band...

After the usual "we should get the band back together" bullshit, we started talking about how life has been over all these years gone by.

I told him my wife (coincidentally, also a guitar player) and I have 6 happy and healthy kids now. And how, oh so cleverly, we named them after the common ...

Mischievous twins

In a town somewhere there lived 2 very problematic 12 year old twin boys. If there was trouble in town, they were sure to be involved. It gotten to the point where every time some stranger came to their house it was to complain about something they did.

Naturally their mother had it with thei...

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought Tom was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comm...

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

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A woman walked by a pet shop on the way to work

A parrot in the window looks at her and says "you're ugly". The woman immediately complains to the shop owner and he promises he will talk to the parrot about his rude behavior.

The next day as she's walking past the pet shop it happens again - the parrot looks at her and says "you're ugly!"...

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Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public i...

intelligent monkey

A Grandmother buys a bag of peanuts so her Grandson can feed the monkeys at the Zoo. Upon receiving a peanut one monkey inserted the hull rectally, nodded, then extracted and devoured it. The Grandmother informed the Head Zookeeper of the animals' aberrant behavior, saying " That monkey is either p...

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

Two brain surgeons are discussing cases over lunch.

Surgeon 1: I just don't understand it. I treated a monk with epilepsy by implanting a seizure inhibitor device - the one with a microcomputer that sends out current to negate the seizure. It's working perfectly and his seizures are gone, but he keeps putting acorns and stuff into hollow spaces in tr...

A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her

“You have the right to remain silent” he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

“Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”

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Hopping on the joke translation bandwagon (originally heard it in Russian)

Little Johnny is drawing something during an arts&crafts class.

The teacher asks him: “I see you have drawn some good outlines, but are you planning to add some color?”

Johnny (pointing at different areas of his drawing): “Yeah! I’ll add some yellow here, a little red over here and...

I was having a beer at the bar when a mate walks in, panicked

He sits down next to me and tells me he’s left his sidekick in the car, because she drives him absolutely mad and he really needed a break.

I chuckled at his irresponsible behavior before he tells me “I told her I’d be back in a few minutes, but all lights in my car are broken anyway, can’t y...

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The rebellious high school senior

So there’s this senior in high school. He’s pretty rebellious, and always hates it when you tell him to do something.

So the teacher tells him to do his assignment. He answers, “You’re not my mom,” and refuses to do it.

So he gets sent to the dean’s office, and the dean tells him to ex...

An old mathematician turns 89...

Soon after, his friends and family are astounded as he suddenly begins taking up a variety of sports, buying the newest things, and being as active as if he were in his twenties.
Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm...

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

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The old couple

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat
.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to...

The World’s Greatest Gambler

A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney.

The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you com...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

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Man Vs Gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.
!'<...

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When Bill and Hillary first got married

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked ins...

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I met a girl who was a grammar nazi

We liked the same music. The same movies. The conversation was so effortless. After only two dates, I knew she was the one. We had a third date lined up, and I knew we were going to have sex, but then she went to jail.

I wrote to her constantly, counting the days until she'd be free and we c...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans

Stolen from Facebook:

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible fo...

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A female gorilla is alone in a cage at the zoo...

... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He wal...

Ahoy Matey!

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak ...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

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A man finally decides to give contact lenses a try...

An Ontario man finally decides to get rid of his glasses and give contact lenses a try. He gets them in the mail, tries them on and is astounded at the results. To celebrate, he decides to take a long drive into Quebec to admire the changing leaves.

He crosses the border and gets very excited...

That’s one amazing chimpanzee..

A widow walks into a pet store and approaches one of the sales reps, “My husband died recently and I’ve been feeling really lonely. Do you have any recommendations for a pet to keep me company?”

The sales rep says “What about a dog?”

“No no no, I’ve already had a dog and they’re a lot ...

The husband of the woman next door died.

The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her hom...

My All-time Favorite Joke

One day, a businessman living in New York decides he needs a break. He is feeling a little beat-up by the stresses of city life, and he concludes that a leisurely drive in the country would do him a world of good. So, he rents a car, and he sets off on his quest to find some peace of mind.

As...

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road
and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with
him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved. But he heard
a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he did...

A Jewish kid's parents sent him to a Jewish school

After a week he was kicked for bad behavior, so they sent him to another Jewish school. He was kicked from there as well, so they chose to send him to a Catholic school instead.

After a month they came to a school meeting, and the teachers praised the kid and said he does really well.

...

The Whistler

A Professor started his class on a very serious Topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the Whistler's name. No one answered.

The Professor peacefully kept the Pen in his pocket saying: "Lecture ends here. I'll...

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a whi...

Mbeki and his elephant

Mbeki was a boy who live in a small village on the edge of the great Serengeti plain of Africa. Mbeki would spend days watching the animals on the plain, learning and studying their behaviors.

Twice a year during the great animal migration from their summer to their winter feeding grounds and...

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