UPJOKE

About Me Jokes

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.

Well, three can play that game!

My gf told me she had a dream about me cheating.

It’s sweet of her to have dreams of me being happy.

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex…

I *suppose* a condom would be better...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife complained about me wanking off

We argued and I won. I’m master-debator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two interesting facts about me:

1: My Penis is the exact length of two IKEA pencils.

2: I've got a lifetime ban from IKEA!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 interesting facts about me

* 1) My dick is not as big as a footlong at Subway
* 2) I'm no longer allowed in Subway

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't believe how calm my parents are being about me coming out as gay.

Because the wife's going fucking mental.

My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it.

It's spam

About me

My broken heart.

I think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist.
I'm not going to brag, but I could play the harp brilliantly.

I worked in an orchestra and after a concert I met this amazing woman.
Now I absolut...

Well, enough about me. Let’s talk about you.

What do you think about me?

A girl once said about me "He's the one!"

Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.

I hate women who gossip about me at workplace

Especially to the HR ..

Theres a llot of things people respect about me

I have a heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo

I'm in the hospital right now. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

But let me just say, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

People actually have lot of good things say about me.

But first, I have to die.

A little bit about me: I’m 6’3” with tattoos.

I’m 5’9” without.

Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"

Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".

I hate people who talk about me behind my back...

They discussed me.

Women don't ever have to worry about me trying to get into their pants.

They don't even have any pockets! Where would I keep my hackey sack and MTG cards?

Two facts about me, 1) When I die I have arranged for my remains to be spread around the Houses of Parliament.

2) I don't want to be cremated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asked, "what do you like about me the most, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

The husband replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

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