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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery...

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound w...

A German man was visiting the UK.

A German man was visiting the UK. He asked a local if they knew what the number for the police was. The local said 999. The German man walked away and asked another local for the number. Again, he got the same response. Confused, he complained about how no one knew the police number.

I won 1 Million in a lottery and decided to donate a quater to charity

Now I have $999,999.75

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes....

Where pretty good but we haven't got a gig yet.

How to have a million dollars

Have $999,900. Have a yard sale.

A man today went to the ER with $1,999 in bills in his rectal cavity.

Doctors report the man coming in and saying, " I haven't been feeling 2 grand lately."

I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs.

"Could you please give me a description of them?" the man asked.



"Certainly," I replied. "They're round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored."

ME: Dial 999. Police, please

POLICE: Police

ME: Hi. Two hooded men are robbing my shed.

POLICE: Sorry, we have no resources. There's nothing we can do.

ME: They are standing less than 1 metre apart.

POLICE: Keep them there - we'll be there in 5.

If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

I called 999

They answered whats the emergency? I said "there are two girls fighting over me! " they said I can't see how that's an emergency I said "The fat one's winning".

Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor bc he had a headache?

The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out and found a total of $1,999. Then the doctor said, "no wonder you're not feeling two grand!"

A German and an Englishman are having a conversation in the park when suddenly a young girl falls into the lake.

They both rush in to save her, but when they emerge she’s unconscious.

The Englishman asks the German if they know the number for emergency services.

“999.”

The Englishman replies, “fine, I’ll call them myself.”

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

I just won $1,000,000 from the lottery and I'm donating a quarter to charity!

Not sure what I'm going to do with the left over $999,999.75 though.

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

You won’t believe how easy it is to predict the future!

All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!

You don’t believe me?

See? Exactly what I predicted!

How many Redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1000 One to change it and 999 to walk into the same room and change the same light bulb without checking to see if it needed changing first.

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

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How many redditors does it take to make a good joke?

A million: 1 to make the joke, and 999,999 to repost it every fucking day for the next century.

In fact, religious persons are not much different from atheists…

There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

My friend is panicking because he is missing a puzzle piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle

if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces

There once was a retired engineer who is asked to come fix a major malfunction in a company’s product.

He comes in, turns on a simple switch, and the unit works perfectly. He bills for $101,000.

“How could you possibly charge that much!” said his old boss.

“Simple,” the old man responded. “It’s $1 for the labor of flipping the switch—and $100,999 for knowing which switch to flip.”

Purple lemon

So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:

“Hey, purple lemon, you suck!”

And the boy doesn’t know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:

“Well, you’ll just have to ask a teacher then, won’t you?”

And so h...

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment..

And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50

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Farmer problems (long joke)

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tr...

I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number.

and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.

A blonde and a brunette own a cattle ranch

Their bull's gotten a bit old and his about ready for the meat processor, so they decide that the brunette will head over out to another town to buy one. The brunette explains:

"We have $1000 to get that bull, that's all. I'm going to head to town with the Corolla and try to find us one. ...

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Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What...

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"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"

"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"
"Well, let's have a look at i\-that's weird." Says the doctor as the man bend's over. "What is it?" "You have a rolled up $20 bill sticking out of your butt." "Well, pull it out!" The doctor does. "Umm, now there's a rolled up $10 bill sticking out of your butt."...

I recently won $500,000 and decided to give a quarter of it to charity.

I just don’t know what I’m gonna do with the other $499,999.75 though

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Doctor Doctor. My butt hurts!

'Alright, let's take a look at it.' Says the doctor.
The man drops his pants and the doctor inspects his butt.
'Do you know you've got a rolled up $20 sticking out of your butt?' Asks the doctor.
'I do? Well pull it out!' Says the man and the doctor does.
'Oh my God,' Says the doctor, 'I...

German women love me...

I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.

I just bought a book on spotting scams.

I paid $999 for it, so it must be good.

Asian guy goes into bank to check on his million dollars!!!

Asian: why do I only have 999 900 dollars instead of 1 million dollars

Bank teller: Fluctuations

Asian: Fluck you too.

A joke my dad told me years ago, about a perfectionist.

Here we have a perfectionist who is looking to build a brick extension to his house. After doing done calculations, he comes to find that he will need exactly 999 bricks. With his new information, he heads to the local hardware store to order a pallet of 999 bricks. Unfortunately, the manager said t...

These jokes about apple are getting old really quickly.

Punch line: $999

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to ...

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[Long] Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit their family's ranch.

In order to stay out of bankruptcy, they need to buy a bull to replace one who recently died. So the brunette goes online and finds a bull for sale in the city stockyards, about three hours away. The price of the bull is listed as $5,000.

Sadly, their inheritance wasn't much beyond the ranch,...

I got this German girls phone number

She was being difficult about it but I eventually got it:

999 999 99 99

(Possible OC)

Apple just released a joke book, and here's is an extract...

LICENCE NOT FOUND


Please Pay $999 To View Joke

How many redditors it takes to change a lightbulb? [OC]

It only takes 1. But another 999 to repost this 100% original joke.

I made this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy visits a farm

He is given a tour by the farmer. At some point he spots a pig with a wooden leg. What's the story of this pig over there, he asks the farmer.
Oh! Glad you asked. This pig, he's something else. Last year, we had a fire in the house. Flames and smoke everywhere. We all got out in time but then my ...

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If I had a million dollars, I'd probably pay your mom to have sex with me...

Then I'd invest the other 999,990 dollars.

(Bonus points if you know where this is from.)

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division...

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".

The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm v...

Engineer Expenses

A maintenance man was tasked to fix a complex machine that had gone down. He tries for days to fix the machine, but cannot find the root of the issue. After trying for so long, he goes back to his boss.



"Boss, I think we need to call an engineer."



"Fine. Just make ...

How many crypto miners does it take to change a light bulb?

A hundred thousand!

One miner to change it, and 99,999 to determine who gets the credit.

Blonde, Brunette, Redhead

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 1000 kilometers from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim.

The brunette goes 200 kilometers, gets tired, and drowns.

The redhead goes 650 kilometers, gets tired, and also drowns.

Then the blonde gets to 999 ki...

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