999 Jokes - 52 Hilarious 999 Jokes

I started a band with friends called 999 Megabytes

Still haven't gotten a Gig though

If I won $1.28B, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I’d do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

I called 999

They answered whats the emergency? I said "there are two girls fighting over me! " they said I can't see how that's an emergency I said "The fat one's winning".

How many Redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1000 One to change it and 999 to walk into the same room and change the same light bulb without checking to see if it needed changing first.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

ME: Dial 999. Police, please

POLICE: Police

ME: Hi. Two hooded men are robbing my shed.

POLICE: Sorry, we have no resources. There's nothing we can do.

ME: They are standing less than 1 metre apart.

POLICE: Keep them there - we'll be there in 5.

I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs.

"Could you please give me a description of them?" the man asked.

"Certainly," I replied. "They're round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored."

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

My friend is panicking because he is missing a puzzle piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle

if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces

A German man was visiting the UK.

A German man was visiting the UK. He asked a local if they knew what the number for the police was. The local said 999. The German man walked away and asked another local for the number. Again, he got the same response. Confused, he complained about how no one knew the police number.

How many mathematicians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

2.999.... 1.999... to argue about if 0.999... and 1 are the same, and 0.999... to actually screw it in and install it.

I asked a German girl her number.

Apparently, it was 999-999-9999.

German women love me...

I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.

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The library building based on the Dewey Decimal System

My town's new library has its floors organized according to the Dewey Decimal System. Books with a code from 001 to 099 are in the basement, and books with a code from 900 to 999 are on the top floor, for example. Books with a code from 100 to 199 are on the street-level floor by the main entrance. ...

After fighting off waves of attacks by the Spartans, Paris went to visit with Helen

But alas, she was not very happy.

“What is wrong, my love?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on, my love, I sacrificed so much for you, so you must divulge why you’re not happy.” He pleaded.

“It’s nothing.”

“I’m pleading with you! I will defeat the whole spartan army and Ach...

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

A German and an Englishman are having a conversation in the park when suddenly a young girl falls into the lake.

They both rush in to save her, but when they emerge she’s unconscious.

The Englishman asks the German if they know the number for emergency services.

“999.”

The Englishman replies, “fine, I’ll call them myself.”

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment..

And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50

I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number.

and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.

German joke

One man got hit by a car with an old woman and a German (her husband) nearby
The woman asked the German what was the emergency number was as she forgot.
The German said 999
The woman shrugged and said “well I’ll go look it up then”

Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor bc he had a headache?

The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out and found a total of $1,999. Then the doctor said, "no wonder you're not feeling two grand!"

In fact, religious persons are not much different from atheists…

There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

I got this German girls phone number

She was being difficult about it but I eventually got it:

999 999 99 99

(Possible OC)

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"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"

"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"
"Well, let's have a look at i\-that's weird." Says the doctor as the man bend's over. "What is it?" "You have a rolled up $20 bill sticking out of your butt." "Well, pull it out!" The doctor does. "Umm, now there's a rolled up $10 bill sticking out of your butt."...

You won’t believe how easy it is to predict the future!

All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!

You don’t believe me?

See? Exactly what I predicted!

I recently won $500,000 and decided to give a quarter of it to charity.

I just don’t know what I’m gonna do with the other $499,999.75 though

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

These jokes about apple are getting old really quickly.

Punch line: $999

how many apple employees does it take to replace your broken screen?

none. "you need to buy our new model which will cost you ONLY $999"

I just bought a book on spotting scams.

I paid $999 for it, so it must be good.

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If I had 1,000,000 dollars, I would pay to have sex with your mom.

And then I would invest the other 999,995 bucks.

Asian guy goes into bank to check on his million dollars!!!

Asian: why do I only have 999 900 dollars instead of 1 million dollars

Bank teller: Fluctuations

Asian: Fluck you too.

As I've gotten older, I've realized the world can be seen through a million perspectives.

Mine and 999,999 wrong ones.

A blonde and a brunette own a cattle ranch

Their bull's gotten a bit old and his about ready for the meat processor, so they decide that the brunette will head over out to another town to buy one. The brunette explains:

"We have $1000 to get that bull, that's all. I'm going to head to town with the Corolla and try to find us one. ...

Apple just released a joke book, and here's is an extract...

LICENCE NOT FOUND

Please Pay $999 To View Joke

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If I had a million dollars, I'd probably pay your mom to have sex with me...

Then I'd invest the other 999,990 dollars.

(Bonus points if you know where this is from.)

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Doctor Doctor. My butt hurts!

'Alright, let's take a look at it.' Says the doctor.
The man drops his pants and the doctor inspects his butt.
'Do you know you've got a rolled up $20 sticking out of your butt?' Asks the doctor.
'I do? Well pull it out!' Says the man and the doctor does.
'Oh my God,' Says the doctor, 'I...

Why did the german die from his injuries

Because when his friend asked if there is a number to call incase of emergencies like this, he replied "999".

How many crypto miners does it take to change a light bulb?

A hundred thousand!

One miner to change it, and 99,999 to determine who gets the credit.

Blonde, Brunette, Redhead

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 1000 kilometers from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim.

The brunette goes 200 kilometers, gets tired, and drowns.

The redhead goes 650 kilometers, gets tired, and also drowns.

Then the blonde gets to 999 ki...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford

It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."

To which the call centre employee replied, ...

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division...

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".

The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm v...

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Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What...

Two sisters get $1000 inheritance

They own a ranch with about 100 cows but no bull. They decide to use their inheritance to get a bull so they can expand their ranch. The first sister drives a few towns over to buy the best prize bull in the state but it costs $999. She buys it anyway, knowing that she will only have one dollar left...

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to ...

Purple lemon

So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:

“Hey, purple lemon, you suck!”

And the boy doesn’t know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:

“Well, you’ll just have to ask a teacher then, won’t you?”

And so h...

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A guy visits a farm

He is given a tour by the farmer. At some point he spots a pig with a wooden leg. What's the story of this pig over there, he asks the farmer.
Oh! Glad you asked. This pig, he's something else. Last year, we had a fire in the house. Flames and smoke everywhere. We all got out in time but then my ...

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An engineer, physicist and mathematician are in an interview (with no accountants) ...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are in an interview.
The engineer is asked, 'What is 2+2?'. The engineer instantly pulls out his calculator, but since its floating point processor firmware has a bug, 2+2 gives him 3.999 which he tells the panel.
The physicist is asked the same q...

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