New Year Jokes - 86 Hilarious New Year Jokes

I gave up drinking for the new year

Sorry, that came out wrong.

I gave up.

Drinking for the new year.

I have 11 New Year Resolutions...

* Never make resolutions
* Be accepting of paradoxes
* Use the binary number system more often

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

What do Alcoholics call New Year's Eve?

Amateur night!

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New Year, Old Me

Got a fitness tracker for Christmas and it's been on my wrist ever since. I haven't done any running yet, but I've masturbated 5 miles.

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

I made a New Year resolution to lose 20 pounds !

Only 24 pounds to go !

I've made a new year resolution.

I'm going to start doing things on time.

What are your New Years resolutions?

I'm upgrading to 2460×4820.

New Year's Eve

It's not even midnight and my Welsh friend just messaged me "Blwyddyn Newydd Dda".

He must be smashed already.

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New Year's resolution

My New Year's resolution this year was going to be:

1. Procrastinate more in 2023

But fuck it, I'll do it next year

A drunk wakes up in jail on New Years Eve and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" The cop replies, "For drinking."

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

I heard New years is cancelled in Russia this year.

They got no rockets left.

A Russian Proverb for the New Year

On average we live pretty well.

Worse than last year. But certainly better than next year.

New Year’s Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck 12, the bar...

A women took a nap on New Years Eve...

A women took a nap on New Years Eve.

When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”

He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped pres...

I made a New Years Resolution to drink more water.

So far I've only gotten as far as Drink More.

My new year's resolution for 2023

Is to accomplish the goals of 2022 which I should have done in 2021 because I promised them in 2020 and planned them in 2019

A new year

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's the new year's resolution coming?" the bartender asks. "Great, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds," the guy replies. "Seriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights."

On a new year's Eve, in the court...

The judge says: Why are you here?

The person in the accused seat: I got some Christmas gift from the department store across the street.

The Judge looked at the prosecutor, puzzled: That's something good, what's happening here?

Prosecutor: He got the gifts 2 hours before...

Happy New Years!

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Years!" he shouts. "Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away." "Sorry," the guy apologizes. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations."

The chinese believe that eating certain foods on lunar new year will shape your future.

Personally, I think it's just a supperstition.

Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year’s resolutions

…tucked away in a journal on my bookshelf.

This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym...

**... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.**

My new years resolution is to get down to the weight I was before the accident.

....and to stop calling it "the accident" when I eat too many snacks.

I always visit my local tire shop on New Years.

Because then I will know it will be a goodyear.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Sorry I suffer from premature congratulation

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Going to the gym for the new year

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Now that it's the new year I'm sick of all the gym rats bitching and moaning about all us newbies taking up space in their gyms," the guy complains to the bartender. "We didn't complain when they came to use our pubs in December."

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New Year's Resolution: a diet!

So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet.

A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!"

The wife says, "That's great; I ne...

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A warning to all the drivers now, close to New Year's Eve...

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to New Year's Eve and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I d...

'New year, new me!'

said the Covid-19 virus as it mutates.

Happy Chinese New Year! Or as they say in China:

Happy New Year!

A guy walks into a bar, orders a bottle of champagne and yells "Happy New Year!"

"It's not even close to midnight yet, you idiot," the bartender reprimands him. "Oh, I'm sorry. I suspect I might have a rare medical condition that makes me yell that," the guy apologizes. "I think I suffer from premature congratulations."

What's your New Years resolution?

Mine is 3120x1440. I got a new phone.

After a night of heavy drinking, when I woke up naked in my sister’s bed on New Year’s day, I feared the worst.

When my brother-in-law kissed me on the cheek, those fears were realized.

Wrote my 2022 New Years Day Goals

My top goal this year. Stay negative everyday.

If I don't, 5-10 day isolation for being positive.

It's kinda harsh but it will be very contagious and catchy.

You might say, It'll go viral.

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To start the new year

I’m not gonna eat anything but cheese on New Year’s Eve. That way I’ve a day or two where shit won’t happen in the new year;)

I'm going to stay up on New Year's Eve this year...

not to see the New Year in, but to ensure this one leaves.

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:

640 x 480.

For the new year...

If you want to be optimistic with the new year, it's 2021. If you want to be pessimistic, it's 2020 2.

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I told my wife… that if we start having sex by the time they start the New Year’s Eve countdown

We’ll still have time to go see the fireworks

My dad gave up smoking cold turkey for new years. He’s doing better now but…

…he’s still coughing up feathers.

My New Year’s Resolution is to switch to a vegan diet in 2022.

Luckily I just got covid, so I won’t notice any difference!

How many people does it take to have a new years party?

Two and a fifth

My New Year's Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done in two days

The Vienna Boys Choir is having a special New Year’s Eve concert. At midnight there will be a ball drop and…

…all the Sopranos will become Altos.

My New Year's resolution is to start my own sheep farm

I've already found the perfect location in Seattle and I already moved over there. Now I'm just waiting for the first animals to arrive, because for the moment I'm basically Sheepless in Seattle ...

I tested positive for COVID-19 on New Year's Day.

Guess you could say I started 2022 on a positive note.

Remember to wear your “New Year Glasses” backwards this year.

Hindsight is 2020.

Shouting “Jumanji” at New Year didn’t work.

New plan: Shout “Covfefe” at midnight on Jan 20.

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My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;

Which is going to be extremely hard...

A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions

So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd

They say New York has the best New Years Eve Party

I’d say it’s overrated - every year they drop the ball

Happy* new year 2021

*Subject to availability of vaccine

Happy New Year

But first, a word from our sponsor Raid Shadow Legends

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They say “What you do on New Years, you do the rest of the year”

So I’m gonna waste my time posting shitty jokes to Reddit

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...

My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating.

But I’ll wait until tomorrow to start.

A coworker told me to live every day like it’s a brand new year

I said I already do that
I wake up hung over.
I contemplate all the decisions I made the “year”before.
And I try to make resolutions and I always break them.

My New Years resolution is to set more realistic expectations for myself

I’ve already failed

I always skip the gym the first week of the new year

I can’t deal with the crowds.

I also skip weeks 2 - 52 of the new year but still looking for an excuse for those.

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Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and cocky

Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect

My New Year Resolution for 2020 is...

3840 x 2160

Saw in the new year with some Australian kangaroo beer

Nice and hoppy

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My 2021 New Year’s Resolution is to Masturbate Less NSFW

Not in frequency, but number of strokes

My New Years resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

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I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home.

I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home. Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us pass. After a while I made it home safely, which is surprising because I've never driven a cab.

We’re in for a really cold New Year’s Day

When they try to drop the ball at Times Square, it will retract up.

Happy New Year 2010!!

Sent from IE browser

What's the best New Year's resolution?

1080p or 4k.

My New Year revolution is

to never use autocorrect again.

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Wife said my New Year resolution needs to be to have more romance and sex

As a good husband I booked an expensive suite for a long weekend in a posh hotel. I got dressed up, bought some sexy lingerie for her and some cosplay outfits. Got some viagra so I could perform all night long.

Romantic dinner on a French restaurant, candle light dinner and was amazing. She w...

New Year's Party

Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon, but they must planet first

Everyone didn't know what the new year would bring.

But luckily, 2021 us over.

New Years resolution

Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution

Happy New Years 2013!

Hey guys I'm sending this through Internet Explorer, hope you guys had a great 2012!

Why did China cancel Chinese New Years?

Everybody was kung-flu fighting.

Is New years but your ....

Not sure if the explosion's out side the window are fireworks or nukes going off

Enough with the “I’ll see you next year” jokes on New Years!

Those jokes are a decade old now!

My New Years Resolution is to get a girlfriend

After what happened in 2020, i didn't get the chance to, but 2021 will be the year.

~~After what happened in 2019, i didn't get the chance to, but 2020 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2018, i didn't get the chance to, but 2019 will be the year.~~

~~After what happe...

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An Irish girl goes back to her father’s farmhouse for New Year’s Eve.

Her father asked: “Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t you call?”

Crying, the girl replied: “Dad, I became a prostitute.”

“What!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“Okay, Dad. If that’s yo...

HAPPY NEW YEAR! My resolutions are:

1) Stop writing lists.

B) Be more consistent.

7) Learn to count.

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A guy wakes up on New Year's with a hangover and partial blackout.

He says to his wife, "Jesus, I can't even remember where we were last night. I keep thinking that there was a golden toilet bowl."
His wife says, "We were at the Johnson's. And Bill's pretty upset that you shit in his tuba."

New Years Joke

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to New Years dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying...

How do you lose 12 stones of unsightly fat for the new year?

Divorce her....

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