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Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was

She said ''Fuck you''



so i'm pretty excited for 2022

I have 11 New Year Resolutions...

* Never make resolutions
* Be accepting of paradoxes
* Use the binary number system more often

A man and his friend were talking about their New Year's Resolutions.

Friend: I heard you set some really tough resolutions, have you completed them?


Man: Well of course! I've swam across the Pacific Ocean in only speedos.


Friend: Neat.


Man: Scaled Mount Everest naked!


Friend, a bit skeptical: Really?


Man: Well, t...

I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Years Resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.

My feet have never looked better.

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What do you call a cum sock on New Years day?

A blast from the past!

My New Year resolution is the same as last year..

3840x2160

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New Year's Resolution: a diet!

So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet.

A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!"

The wife says, "That's great; I ne...

My new year’s resolution is I’m gonna be less condescending.

(Condescending means talking down to people btw )

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink.

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink. As midnight approached he raised in glass in a toast, "Let's all begin this year standing beside the person who has made this past year worth living." The poor bartender was nearly crushed to death.

What's your New Years resolution?

Mine is 3120x1440. I got a new phone.

Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel.

Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!

My New Year's Resolution is to be more humble...

Which should be easy as I'm already *really* good at it!

Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon

But they didn't planet in time

A guy goes to a New Year’s Day party. There are hundreds of people, holiday music is playing.

A few groups of people are playing cards. Others are shooting billiards. Yet another group is sitting around a warm fire telling stories. Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time. Realizing he is hungry, the man gets in a large queue and starts chatting with an old friend. After many minutes ...

My New Years Resolution is to get a girlfriend

After what happened in 2020, i didn't get the chance to, but 2021 will be the year.

~~After what happened in 2019, i didn't get the chance to, but 2020 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2018, i didn't get the chance to, but 2019 will be the year.~~

~~After what happe...

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:

640 x 480.

My New Year’s resolution is to start collecting highlighters

Mark my words!!

How Do You Make The New Year’s Ball Drop More Entertaining?

Add another ball.

My new year's resolution is to do less drugs

No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs

Right at midnight on New Years Eve im gonna shut my eyes and never open them again

That way my vision will always stay 2020

I always skip the gym the first week of the new year

I can’t deal with the crowds.

I also skip weeks 2 - 52 of the new year but still looking for an excuse for those.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating.

But I’ll wait until tomorrow to start.

My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768

I’m not buying any new tv’s.

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My 2021 New Year’s Resolution is to Masturbate Less NSFW

Not in frequency, but number of strokes

Is New years but your ....

Not sure if the explosion's out side the window are fireworks or nukes going off

'New year, new me!'

said the Covid-19 virus as it mutates.

What's the best New Year's resolution?

1080p or 4k.

Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight...

You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...

2021 meets 2020 in a bar on New Year's Eve.

2021: What are you so happy about? You are done in a couple of hours and I'm taking charge.

2020: (Smirking now) I'm happy because they named you 2020WON.

Where can you find comedians on New Year's Eve?

Waiting for the punchline.

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Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and cocky

Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect

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Not so sure my new year is getting off on a good start. Last night I ate like a pig and got incredibly drunk.

First thing I did this morning when I woke up was take an enormous, smelly shit. Second thing I did was get out of bed.

Saw in the new year with some Australian kangaroo beer

Nice and hoppy

Happy* new year 2021

*Subject to availability of vaccine

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go!

I'm going to stay up on New Year's Eve this year...

not to see the New Year in, but to ensure this one leaves.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve.

December 31st.

Shouting “Jumanji” at New Year didn’t work.

New plan: Shout “Covfefe” at midnight on Jan 20.

Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies.

Next year, it is the Rambos.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation.

It's new year, I can officially say that I haven't showered since last year

And a half.

On New Year's Eve, a man arrives at a fancy dress party completely naked

"I'm a turtle" he says

Oh.. Who's on your back?

"That's Michelle" he replies

It was New Years Day, me and my girlfriend kissed and held each other close as the clock reached 12:00 AM...

...and then I woke up.

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You can always get lucky on new years day by reminding your lover

We haven't had sex all year.

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To start the new year

I’m not gonna eat anything but cheese on New Year’s Eve. That way I’ve a day or two where shit won’t happen in the new year;)

We’re in for a really cold New Year’s Day

When they try to drop the ball at Times Square, it will retract up.

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I already...

Enough with the “I’ll see you next year” jokes on New Years!

Those jokes are a decade old now!

My new year's resolution is to upvote every joke that is OC

Right after I repost it

My New Years resolution was to give back to the community.

I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging, but this coming school year, I’m becoming a volunteer crossing guard for an online school.

My New Year’s Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer

I’ve only got 40 lbs. to go

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve?

He got 12 months!

They say New York has the best New Years Eve Party

I’d say it’s overrated - every year they drop the ball

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

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An Irish girl goes back to her father’s farmhouse for New Year’s Eve.

Her father asked: “Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t you call?”

Crying, the girl replied: “Dad, I became a prostitute.”

“What!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“Okay, Dad. If that’s yo...

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

I got kicked in the nuts at Midnight on New Years.

I started the year off on the highest note possible.

I can’t wait for New Year’s Day

So we can read all the “hindsight is 2020” jokes.

Happy new year 2019 guys!!!

Posted via Internet Explorer

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A warning to all the drivers now, close to New Year's Eve...

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to New Year's Eve and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I d...

Remember before the New Year were were all worried about the dumb jokes that came with it?

Well hindsight is 2020

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

I started reading 'Lord of Rings' for the new year. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained his youth, energy, and joy in life...

Turns out the one ring, is a wedding ring

My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.

Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.

Instead of singing Auld Lang Syne this New Year's

We should all sing "I Can See Clearly Now."

Because everyone will have 2020 vision.

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They say “What you do on New Years, you do the rest of the year”

So I’m gonna waste my time posting shitty jokes to Reddit

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My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;

Which is going to be extremely hard...

It’s nice to see one New Years resolution is being followed.

One month in and the EU has already lost a pound.

My internet went out for a few minutes on new years..

Met my family downstairs. They seem like nice people.

Happy New Year 2010!!

Sent from IE browser

On New Year's Eve back in 1999, a friend bet me a couple grand that computers were going to stop working

"Why $2k?" I asked.

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

New Year’s Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck 12, the bar...

I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead.

The other is to come out to my parents.

Every year I tune into 'Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve' thinking this will be the year it's worth watching.

But they always drop the ball.

This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym...

... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.

As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat...

So I filed for divorce!

My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it.

Clear vision

Some friends are having a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year Party this weekend

They're calling it Chinese Burns Night.

I wasn't going to go but they twisted my arm.

My New Years Resolution this year was to be more selfless, but I gave up after four days.

I realized that it isn’t for me.

On new years, 2019, i made a resolution to lose 10 kg by 2020. After months of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears,

I can proudly say i only have 16 more kg to go

I was hoping 2019 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the new year on the right foot"

Damn amputees

Friend - What is you new year’s resolution?

Me - 420 x 69

Why did China cancel Chinese New Years?

Everybody was kung-flu fighting.

How do you lose 12 stones of unsightly fat for the new year?

Divorce her....

If you were born in 2000 and get laid on New Year's day 2020

It'll be your first score.

New Years Parties at my place are like being in a chemistry lab

Some people drop the base, some drop acid while others do ether one.

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New year resolution : First day at the gym

As a new year resolution, I, like million others decided to join a gym and hire a trainer. After some warm up, the trainer brought me to the equipment. a vertical row machine. He showed me how to use the machine and suggested that i exercise one arm at a time. Looking at my physique (if i can call t...

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year ...

... but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals.

But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.

What's the hardest part of a new year?

Remembering to change dates before you repost.

If you're afraid of new years parties, it's just some auld lang syne ity

Auld lang syne is old English pronounced "old ang sy" commonly.

I'm going to be giving up aerosol deodorant in the new year.

Roll on 2020.

Trump made a New Year’s resolution to be more like Gandhi

So he’s starting a nuclear war

Every New Year's Eve, I look forward to a good show at Time's Square

...and year after year, they drop the ball

My friend asked me where I see myself in the new year.

How would I know? I don't have 2020 vision.

Looking at the past year, I seem to see the new year instead...

Hindsight is 2020

I had a guy tell me Happy New Year but he said "see you in 2020."

Either he had the year wrong, or he made a comment on his fantastic vision.

If your left leg is Christmas and your right leg is New Year...

can i visit you between holidays?

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