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Yr Jokes

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

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I was offered sex with a 21 yr old today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

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A man and his 13 yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?

"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.

"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"

"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning"....

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue

A 75 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did you convince her to marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 58?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

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A 60 yr old man, 70 yr old and an 80 yr old man were speaking one day about what the worst age to be in is

The 60 yr old says: well age 60 is really bad, I have medical problems and can't pee!

The 70 yr old responds: you think that's bad?! I also have medical problems and can't poop!

The 80 yr old responds to both of them with a smirk: well I can both pee and poop everything single day at 7...

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

My 11 yr old got me with this one.

What does a dog do that humans step into?

Pants

Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will just let it go.

One evening a rich widower showed up at the club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-yr-old blond.

She hung on to his every word, all night long.

His friends were stunned, and as soon as she couldn’t hear, they asked him how he’d managed to get a trophy girlfriend.

“Girlfriend? She’s my wife.”

“How the hell did you persuade that knockout to marry you?” one guy asked incredulo...

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A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing…

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old
"I think its time we started swearing.
When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you".
"OK" says 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch"....

Real life incident with 5 yr old : We were once stopped for some VIP convoy to pass through.

Our 5 year old asked us why the car stopped, so we explained there is a lot of police etc going through. She asked why so many policemen? I said it is a big leader who is traveling.

She then asks : “Why would so many policemen be required to prevent him from stealing something?”

I'm sick and tired of these 18 yr old with attitude.

Everywhere I go they strut around acting like they rent the place.

My 5 yr old son came up with this - what is the opposite of Kathmandu?

DogLadyDont

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93 yr old man goes to the doctor and asks for viagra

The doctor politely suggests that maybe at his age he should not be partaking in amorous activities.

The man replies '' No you've got the wrong idea it's to stop me peeing on my slippers in the morning...

OC from my 10 yr old son: Why do women like roses?

Because they are pretty and hurt you.

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

Funkiest joke in the world according to my 8 yr old son.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Europe

Europe who?

No. YOU’RE A POO!

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A bloke walks into a barber's shop with his 5 yr old daughter.

While he sit's down to get his hair cut, the daughter stands right beside him eating a cupcake.

The barber warns her:
"Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."

She looks him in the eye:
"I know. I'm gonna grow tits too."

Here's one from my 8 yr old neice

What's invisible and smells like a carrot?

Rabbit farts!

My 4 yr old asked where's Peter?

Me: Who's Peter?
Him: peed your pants
Me: Do you mean peter pan??
Him: oh ya, him. I thought that's why he didn't wear pants because he peed his pants

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The 5 yr old girl and the construction crew.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the...

A joke my 9 yr old told at a BBQ we had over the weekend. He brought down the house.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry!

I was drinking at a dive bar, met a really attractive 47 yr old woman.

She looked great for her age. We ordered another drink and she asked me if I’ve ever had a “Sportsman Double?”

I scratched my head and asked “What’s that?”

She replied “It’s a mother daughter threesome.”

I told her “No” with a smirk and we had 3 to 4 more rounds. The conversatio...

Sharing for my 70 yr old mother. Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards.

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat

, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still dada's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

From my 6 yr old

From my 6 yr old...

What did the earthquake say to the person?

It wasn't my fault!

Joke from my 4 yr old this morning...

her: Knock knock!

me: Who's there?

her: Camel!

me: Camel who?

her: Silly, Camels don't say 'who' they say 'AAAHHHHHH!!!'

My 5 yr old made up a joke: why didn’t the hair brush work?

Because it was a chicken!

My 6 yr old grand child gave me this. Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

From my 8 yr old: Why did the girl dolphin not forgive the boy dolphin?

Because he did it on porpoise!

To my 9 yr old: wow, Altoids were made in the 1700’s.

Her: yeah, I know, they’re all dusty

As a 39 old guy, I felt proud for coming up with this joke. (My 8-yr old ugggghhhhh'ed at it)

Q: Why did fifteen (15) started running away?

A: Coz he heard "thirteen fa(u)rtin.."

^(PS: You have to say it) *^(just)* ^(right)

My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

Man to priest: I sinned with an 18 yr old girl yesterday.

Priest: Squeeze the juice of 18 lemons and drink it.
Man: Will this free me of my sin?
Priest: No, but it'll free you of that huge grin off your face!

This comes from my 5 yr old neighbor's ankle bitter: What do you call a broken can opener?

A can’t opener. Get it? A can't open her. LoL!

Told by my 12 yr old sister - April Showers Bring May Flowers, but May Flowers...

Bring Pilgrims.

I asked my 2 yr old to "give me a minute".

So my 2 y.o. daughter follows me almost *everywhere* around the house. I walked into the bathroom yesterday and sure enough, there she is 5 seconds later. Frustrated, I said, "Can you please just give me 1 minute?" She says, "Huh? Ok." and right when I think she's going to give me a moment of peace ...

My 5 yr old son was just imprisoned for skipping naptime

He was resisting a rest

My 6 yr old daughter had a joke for me this morning that made me chuckle...

Daughter: knock knock
Dad: who's there?
Daughter: dwayne
Dad: dwayne who?
Daughter: dwayne the tub, I'm dwowning!

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My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.

What a silly old bugger.

What do you call an incredibly strong STD?

Herpules

(This joke has been brought to you by my 14 yr old son)

A cat is walking across a train track... (joke from my 94 yr old grandpa)

The cat just makes it across the second rail as a train comes speeding past, cutting off the tip of the cat's tail. The cat at once jumps up and around, and its head is run over. The moral is, don't lose your head over a little tail.

My wife and I were watching my 6 yr old daughter swim and she says to me (not wanting to swear), "She needs to stop screwing around and keep her head above the Effin water!"

So I said, "There's no "F" in water".

My friend asked what he should dress his 1 yr old daughter up as for halloween.

I told him a giant steak with a tiara on. He didnt get it, he asked "why would my daughter be steak?"

I told him, no a giant Miss Steak

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An 18 yr old son asks his dad “when you were young, what would have been the quickest and easiest way to save £250k?”

Dad: “pull out”

What does a 80 yr old woman taste like?

Depends.

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What do you get when you cross a diaper and some cereal?

Snap, crackle poop.

(This is my 8 yr olds favorite joke and she wanted me to make sure everyone on that joke website I go to knew it.)

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What's the first thing a 16 yr old, from Arkansas, says after sex?

Get off me Pa you're crushing my Copenhagen!

My 3 year old's knock knock joke - innocence shattered

3 yr old: Knock Knock Daddy!

Me: Who's there?

3 yr old: (excitedly waving around their fork heaped with spaghetti and slinging sauce everywhere) Fork!

Me: Fork who?

*wife and I lock eyes; we each slowly make "the face" as we realize what is about to come out of our 3 yea...

What's black and white and goes "Oooooo"?

A cow with no lips.



(Credit goes to my 8-yr-old.)

This 14 yr old girl in the news that is being frozen cryogenically, her Mother wanted to comply with her wishes, but her Father didn't...

Does he just have to let it go?..

What do you call glass cookware from Jamaica?

Pyrex of the Caribbean

My 6 yr old, just told me this joke as I walked in the house with food...."why did the chicken cross the road?"

Because I just saw you bring a 20 piece from KFC because mom said if you didn't hurry up and bring food, you weren't getting any tonight!!!!

10 yr old brother put a twist on this joke I saw awhile back. Why do the Irish serve up their chili with 139 beans?

Because one more would be one-farty bowl of chili!

Why did the boy put his hands in the toilet?

Because it was his duty.

(Likely accidental courtesy of my 4 yr old daughter).

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank ...

Oil

So an 80 yr. old man runs into a hospital with his 20 yr. old wife, and says "Help! My wife is having a baby!" So, they deliver the baby, and then one of the nurses asks the man "How do you still make babies at your age!?" He cooly replies "Just gotta keep the motor running,"
A few months pass a...

What does a baby frog sleep in?

A cribbet. (My 6 yr old told me that one)

What do you call expensive shoes?

Cashews..

- My 9 yr old son.

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What do turtles say to themselves to calm down?

My 7 yr old: dad, I made up a joke and it’s really funny.
Me: ok hit me.
Her: what do turtles say to themselves to calm down?
Me: mmm I dunno, what?
Her: “in through your nose, out through your butt.”
Me: …
Her: …
Me: …
Her: turtles breathe through their butts, dad.
Me: oh...

Why do all polish names end in ski?

Because they can't spell toboggan
(This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)

What did a frog say to the other frog on the internet ?

Reddit

Credit: My 10 yr old Niece.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he had to social distance.

(Credit goes to my 10 yr old niece for this one)

My wife suggested I get an erection enhancer .

So I did.

Her name is Tamy, shes a 21 yr old dancer

Today I said to my 7 yr old daughter - there are only two things in the universe mass and energy, do you know what the difference between mass and energy is? She jumped off of her chair and said yes!....

You are mass and I am energy, she said pointing at my belly and laughing...

I think she'll be alright, I have a feeling.

How does a cow feel?

sMOOth

I'd like to thank my inner 10 yr old for coming up with this

Why did the spider crawl to a computer?

To check it's website....

Yeah my 4 yr old just told me this.

Where did Noah put the penguins on the ark?

In the arctic section.

Note: my 7 yr old grand daughter made this up on the spot, after I told her this joke:
Where did Noah put the bees on the ark?
In the archives.

I think she's pretty clever.

Husband in a good mood....

Darling, remember 25 years ago I had a rented one room apartment, a table fan, a black & white tv and a cycle to use. But, at night I used to sleep besides a 25 yr old beautiful girl. Now I own a luxurious centrally a/c bungalow 4 LED TVs & a limousine but I sleep with a 50 yr old woman......

“How do you hold your horses?”, she asked.

“I don’t know, how?”

“you hold them”


You can thank my 6 yr old for this one.

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A mother of 3 boys, ages 4, 6,7, goes to see a Doctor.

She explains that the boys have developed a bad habit of cursing quite a bit. And asks for advice on ways to stop them. He asks her," ma'am I've known these boys awhile and I've wandered if u have ever even spanked them?! They are the most unruly children i have ever known." The mother says," oh my ...

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Sean is walking the streets of Dublin....

He turns down a street and comes across a crowd.

He goes over to see what all the fuss is about and sees everyone staring at a burning building.

On the top floor is a group of people who are trapped and can't get down, screaming and pleading for someone to help them.

Sean runs t...

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

A Priest and a Rabbi

Are walking down a street. They see a 13 yr old boy walking towards them

The Priest says "Let's take him down this alley and screw him"

The Rabbi says "Out of what?"

Who lives in Egypt?

Mommy



\*Credit: my 5 yr old after learning about pyramids at school\*

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Granny's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all d...

Eclipse is when earth is between sun and moon, what is it called when sun is between earth and moon ?

Apocalypse

P.S . My 11 yr old nephew said this and I found it very funny

Where do apples go on vacation?

MinneAppleolis

Courtesy of my 8 yr old daughter.

A Prayer before Dinner

During a weekly dinner date between two neighbours, the 5 year old boy of the host was instructed to pray for the dinner.

5 Yr Old:"But dad I don't know how to pray.

Host:"Just pray for your friends,family,the neighbours and the poor.

5 Yr Old: Dear Jesus, thank you for the neig...

Thanksgiving Dinner

A young couple and their 5 yr old son were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with all the Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, cousins and friends. The father asked who would like to say Grace. His young son spoke up, "I want say the prayer mommy says". His mother filled with pride, and told him to go ...

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Sad But True

A 37 yr old virgin, exiting a bus, passes the grand opening of a new pet store, on her way to work. Out in front of the pet store on a perch is a parrot. Now there's a reason why this lady is a virgin and it is not by choice. So as she's passing the parrot, it says, "Hey lady" A little amused, she r...

John learning Math

Teacher was teaching math to 5 yr old John.

Teacher: What is 5 - 5?


John: *Keeps Quiet*


Teacher: If you have 5 burgers and I take 5 burgers from you, what will you be left with?


John: French Fries.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A PIIIG!


(was told to me by a 11 yr old in my class =])

What do you call a disputatious horse?

A naahh sayer.



Credit:14 yr old me.

A well dressed 80yr old man walks into the senior center...

he stops, surveys the room and sees an attractive 70 yr old lady sitting by herself. he adjust his tie and walks over to her.
" So," He says, " do I come here often?"

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

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So I was out with this girl last night.

After dinner she asked me to give her all 10 inches and make it hurt,
So I fucked her 5 times and hit her with a stick.



(This a joke I heard from a 70 yr old man while working at a country club)

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3 men, 40, 50 and 60 talking about their sex lives...

the 40yr old says " when my wife and I got together we couldn't keep our hands off each other, now it's only on the weekends."
the 50 yr old say " you're lucky! when we got together it was twice a day, now it's only on special occasions."
they look to the 60yr old, who says " you boys are ...

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Sex.....

Daddy is digging in the flower bed when little seven-yr-old Alice comes running out of the house, shouting, "Daddy, what's sex?"

He slowly drops his spade, straightens up and draws a deep breath. "Well, darling, it's like this... " he says, and starts rather reluctantly, giving a long and car...

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Dog Style

An 80 yr old man marries a 25 year old young woman.

He seeks Doctor's advice on the best way to deal with it.

Oldman: "Doc, I am 80 and am going to be sexually active again. What's the best way to have safe sex without getting heart attack...??"

Doc: "At your age , I highly reco...

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A guy searches for his wife at the supermarket..

A guy went to the supermarket w/ his wife, after a few minutes by the beverages section he realises his wife is missing. He then asks a guy (one that seems to be searching for someone too) near him:

- Husband: Hey dude, have you seen my wife?

- Stranger: Hey, I'm also looking for mine!...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

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