A 75 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did you convince her to marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 58?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 5 yr old twin brothers are laying in bed one night discussing how to act more grownup around mom and dad.

Suddenly one of the brothers says, "why don't we curse like grownups"? The other brother says, "great idea, what should we say". "I'll curse like daddy and say Aw Hell". "Oooh, good one I'll say You bet your sweet ass like mom says". They decide to surprise their mom the next morning at breakfast an...

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

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What do turtles say to themselves to calm down?

My 7 yr old: dad, I made up a joke and it’s really funny.
Me: ok hit me.
Her: what do turtles say to themselves to calm down?
Me: mmm I dunno, what?
Her: “in through your nose, out through your butt.”
Me: …
Her: …
Me: …
Her: turtles breathe through their butts, dad.
Me: oh...

My 6 yr old grand child gave me this. Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

As a 39 old guy, I felt proud for coming up with this joke. (My 8-yr old ugggghhhhh'ed at it)

Q: Why did fifteen (15) started running away?

A: Coz he heard "thirteen fa(u)rtin.."

^(PS: You have to say it) *^(just)* ^(right)

A joke my 9 yr old told at a BBQ we had over the weekend. He brought down the house.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ear sex

Husband tells his wife of 20 yrs to get ready because that night they're doing it in the ear. She protests thats crazy and she'll end up deaf. He replies that's nonsense because despite all the BJ's she never shuts the fuck up

My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

So this a joke I made up one day and my 8 yr old almost died laughing and went in to teach his 2 yr old sister to repeat it as well. It might have been made up before but I swear it came to me on it own. So here goes...

Knock knock


Who’s there?


Dr.


Dr. Who?


Exactly

My 5 yr old son came up with this - what is the opposite of Kathmandu?

DogLadyDont

From my 8 yr old: Why did the girl dolphin not forgive the boy dolphin?

Because he did it on porpoise!

Sharing for my 70 yr old mother. Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards.

My 4 yr old asked where's Peter?

Me: Who's Peter?
Him: peed your pants
Me: Do you mean peter pan??
Him: oh ya, him. I thought that's why he didn't wear pants because he peed his pants

I was drinking at a dive bar, met a really attractive 47 yr old woman.

She looked great for her age. We ordered another drink and she asked me if I’ve ever had a “Sportsman Double?”

I scratched my head and asked “What’s that?”

She replied “It’s a mother daughter threesome.”

I told her “No” with a smirk and we had 3 to 4 more rounds. The conversatio...

Funkiest joke in the world according to my 8 yr old son.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Europe

Europe who?

No. YOU’RE A POO!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7 & 4 year old were in their bedroom. “You know what” says the 7 yr old, “I think it’s time we start swearing” so when we go downstairs for breakfast I’ll swear first and then you.” “Okay” says the 4 yr old gleefully.

As they head downstairs and sit at the table in the kitchen the Mother asks the 7 yr old what he wanted for breakfast. He quickly replies and says “I’ll have the Coco Puffs, bitch.” WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out! Mom then turns and looks at the 4 yr old and sternly says, “and w...

Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will just let it go.

What's the difference between a 10 yr job and a 10 yr marriage?

The job still sucks after 10 years

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Sad But True

A 37 yr old virgin, exiting a bus, passes the grand opening of a new pet store, on her way to work. Out in front of the pet store on a perch is a parrot. Now there's a reason why this lady is a virgin and it is not by choice. So as she's passing the parrot, it says, "Hey lady" A little amused, she r...

My 5 yr old made up a joke: why didn’t the hair brush work?

Because it was a chicken!

Here's one from my 8 yr old neice

What's invisible and smells like a carrot?

Rabbit farts!

This comes from my 5 yr old neighbor's ankle bitter: What do you call a broken can opener?

A can’t opener. Get it? A can't open her. LoL!

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My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.

What a silly old bugger.

To my 9 yr old: wow, Altoids were made in the 1700’s.

Her: yeah, I know, they’re all dusty

What does a baby frog sleep in?

A cribbet. (My 6 yr old told me that one)

There are 3 types of lies

1. A lie

2. A damn lie

3. Statistics


Got told this by statistics professor yrs ago. Also bonus: 87.9% of statistics are made up.

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An 18 yr old son asks his dad “when you were young, what would have been the quickest and easiest way to save £250k?”

Dad: “pull out”

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat

, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still dada's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

Joke from my 4 yr old this morning...

her: Knock knock!

me: Who's there?

her: Camel!

me: Camel who?

her: Silly, Camels don't say 'who' they say 'AAAHHHHHH!!!'

Told by my 12 yr old sister - April Showers Bring May Flowers, but May Flowers...

Bring Pilgrims.

OC from my 10 yr old son: Why do women like roses?

Because they are pretty and hurt you.

The wind is blowing like a 50yr old woman who's been married for 30 yrs.

Intermittently and with little effort

My 6 yr old nephew asked me... what did the bee say to his wife?

Oh honey!!!

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank ...

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A bloke walks into a barber's shop with his 5 yr old daughter.

While he sit's down to get his hair cut, the daughter stands right beside him eating a cupcake.

The barber warns her:
"Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."

She looks him in the eye:
"I know. I'm gonna grow tits too."

My 3 year old's knock knock joke - innocence shattered

3 yr old: Knock Knock Daddy!

Me: Who's there?

3 yr old: (excitedly waving around their fork heaped with spaghetti and slinging sauce everywhere) Fork!

Me: Fork who?

*wife and I lock eyes; we each slowly make "the face" as we realize what is about to come out of our 3 yea...

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The 5 yr old girl and the construction crew.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the...

My 6 yr old daughter had a joke for me this morning that made me chuckle...

Daughter: knock knock
Dad: who's there?
Daughter: dwayne
Dad: dwayne who?
Daughter: dwayne the tub, I'm dwowning!

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God blessed me with a 20 cm long penis when I was 14 yrs old.

Then they arrested the priest.

My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

Courtesy of my 8 yr old son: if you’re city is overrun by hulks, who you gonna call?

Hulkbusters

Man to priest: I sinned with an 18 yr old girl yesterday.

Priest: Squeeze the juice of 18 lemons and drink it.
Man: Will this free me of my sin?
Priest: No, but it'll free you of that huge grin off your face!

What did a frog say to the other frog on the internet ?

Reddit

Credit: My 10 yr old Niece.

What do you call expensive shoes?

Cashews..

- My 9 yr old son.

I went 14 yrs without drinking alcohol or smoking weed

Then I entered high school

I asked my 2 yr old to "give me a minute".

So my 2 y.o. daughter follows me almost *everywhere* around the house. I walked into the bathroom yesterday and sure enough, there she is 5 seconds later. Frustrated, I said, "Can you please just give me 1 minute?" She says, "Huh? Ok." and right when I think she's going to give me a moment of peace ...

This 14 yr old girl in the news that is being frozen cryogenically, her Mother wanted to comply with her wishes, but her Father didn't...

Does he just have to let it go?..

My friend asked what he should dress his 1 yr old daughter up as for halloween.

I told him a giant steak with a tiara on. He didnt get it, he asked "why would my daughter be steak?"

I told him, no a giant Miss Steak

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor mistake.

He fucked one of his patients... And now he can no longer work in his profession. Such a waste of time, effort, training and money! Sadly he is still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mishap can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family right now in this time of sadn...

My 5 yr old son was just imprisoned for skipping naptime

He was resisting a rest

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?

5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old

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My Uncle Sal is gone 20 yrs today and he told me this joke when I was 5. I remember it vividly to this day (34yrs old), and still laugh thinking of him saying it in his quirky voice and animated gestures

Bear and Rabbit are walking in the woods together toward the stream.

Bear stops to squat and take a hot shit.

As Rabbit patiently waits close by, Bear finishes up and politely asks Rabbit:

"Hey Rabbit, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur??"

"Why no Bear, ...

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This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these heada...

A cat is walking across a train track... (joke from my 94 yr old grandpa)

The cat just makes it across the second rail as a train comes speeding past, cutting off the tip of the cat's tail. The cat at once jumps up and around, and its head is run over. The moral is, don't lose your head over a little tail.

Today I said to my 7 yr old daughter - there are only two things in the universe mass and energy, do you know what the difference between mass and energy is? She jumped off of her chair and said yes!....

You are mass and I am energy, she said pointing at my belly and laughing...

I think she'll be alright, I have a feeling.

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What's the first thing a 16 yr old, from Arkansas, says after sex?

Get off me Pa you're crushing my Copenhagen!

10 yr old brother put a twist on this joke I saw awhile back. Why do the Irish serve up their chili with 139 beans?

Because one more would be one-farty bowl of chili!

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Hey, it happens as you get older

NSFW

30 years ago I saw a sideshow that touted, "Harold, the Magnificent Jew"

Intrigued I paid the entrance fee and had a seat in a packed tent with about 50 others.

In the back of the tent was a table on a small stage. The sideshow barker came out with a large fellow in just a ...

My wife suggested I get an erection enhancer .

So I did.

Her name is Tamy, shes a 21 yr old dancer

How does a cow feel?

sMOOth

I'd like to thank my inner 10 yr old for coming up with this

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Lost Wife

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm...

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What does an 80 yr old lady have between her tits that an 18 yr old woman doesn't have?

A bellybutton

I'm already 14 yrs old Dad! why don'y you buy me a bra?

Shut up Peter!

Where did Noah put the penguins on the ark?

In the arctic section.

Note: my 7 yr old grand daughter made this up on the spot, after I told her this joke:
Where did Noah put the bees on the ark?
In the archives.

I think she's pretty clever.

“How do you hold your horses?”, she asked.

“I don’t know, how?”

“you hold them”


You can thank my 6 yr old for this one.

What do you call an incredibly strong STD?

Herpules

(This joke has been brought to you by my 14 yr old son)

Why did the spider crawl to a computer?

To check it's website....

Yeah my 4 yr old just told me this.

A Spanish woman was married to an Arabic man when they discovered they were going to have identical twin boys.

After much discussion, it was decided that one should be named after his paternal grandfather Amal and the other after his maternal grandfather Juan.

Years go by ...

The boys and their mom are at the grocery store one day when the boys were about 6 yrs old. As the mom was looking at...

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What's relative velocity?

The speed at which your uncle fucks your ass

Courtesy of my 17 yr old nephew.

Thanksgiving Dinner

A young couple and their 5 yr old son were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with all the Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, cousins and friends. The father asked who would like to say Grace. His young son spoke up, "I want say the prayer mommy says". His mother filled with pride, and told him to go ...

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

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The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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For an old man's 98th birthday,

his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Gra...

A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor

A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor. After the husband's check-up, the Dr. ask's the woman if he can have a word with her in his office.

"Certainly Dr. anything for my husband", the woman replies.

The Dr. says, "Your husband is suffering from a very rare and severe disorder, ...

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Skipping Grade School

A man in his mid-40’s was walking down the street on a school day and noticed a young boy, about 9 yrs old, sitting on a porch eating a huge bag of candy.

Concerned that boy was alone, out of school, and gorging himself on candy, the man approached an asked “Shouldn’t you be in school instea...

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

Why do all polish names end in ski?

Because they can't spell toboggan
(This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)

Who lives in Egypt?

Mommy



\*Credit: my 5 yr old after learning about pyramids at school\*

One from my Grandma.

During our last family reunion, my aunts, uncle, and my mom were sitting around, making conversation and telling jokes. My uncle asked my grandma (95 yrs old) if she had any jokes.
G’ma: “I had six of them.”
Referring to her six children. You’ve still got it, Gram.

Oil

So an 80 yr. old man runs into a hospital with his 20 yr. old wife, and says "Help! My wife is having a baby!" So, they deliver the baby, and then one of the nurses asks the man "How do you still make babies at your age!?" He cooly replies "Just gotta keep the motor running,"
A few months pass a...

United's Service Has Really Gone Downhill

Just 16 yrs ago they flew you right to your office.

A Priest and a Rabbi

Are walking down a street. They see a 13 yr old boy walking towards them

The Priest says "Let's take him down this alley and screw him"

The Rabbi says "Out of what?"

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Granny's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all d...

Eclipse is when earth is between sun and moon, what is it called when sun is between earth and moon ?

Apocalypse

P.S . My 11 yr old nephew said this and I found it very funny

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Man In Bar Orders Kingfisher Beer..

Man In Bar Orders Kingfisher Beer..

Lady Next To Him-
What A Co-incidence, Even I Have Ordered Kingfisher..

Man - I'm Celebrating.

Lady - Me too.

Man - What A Coincidence.
Why are you Celebrating?

Lady - My Husband & I Have Tried 4 Years For A Baby..
...

Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body

When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
...

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3 men, 40, 50 and 60 talking about their sex lives...

the 40yr old says " when my wife and I got together we couldn't keep our hands off each other, now it's only on the weekends."
the 50 yr old say " you're lucky! when we got together it was twice a day, now it's only on special occasions."
they look to the 60yr old, who says " you boys are ...

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Poker Night.

John is playing poker with his friends in Peter's house. But Peter's 5 yrs old son disturbs them by running around looking at their cards and shouting it. So John took the boy in the room for five minutes. After that they played the game smoothly without any distraction. So Peter got curious.
...

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Before and after glasses

Finally, after procrastinating for yrs, a husband got his prescription glass.

Wife: Honey, you looked handsome before wearing glasses.

Husband: Sweetheart, You too looked beautiful before I got my glasses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were two statues in a park...

There were two statues in a park; a nude man and a nude woman. They'd been facing each other for over a 100 yrs when one fine day an angel brought them to life.

The angel said, "As a reward for being so patient all these years, you have been given life for 30 minutes to do whatever you wish t...

Did you hear about the kidnapping down the road?

His mother woke him up for lunch.



Source (Told to me 30 yrs ago by an old farmer on my paper route.)

Where do apples go on vacation?

MinneAppleolis

Courtesy of my 8 yr old daughter.

Happy Anniversary!

Husband- Happy Anniversary honey!
Husband- I was just remembering how happy we were 30 yrs ago.
Wife- You idiot, we did not know each other 30 years ago.
Husband- That's why we were so happy!

John learning Math

Teacher was teaching math to 5 yr old John.

Teacher: What is 5 - 5?


John: *Keeps Quiet*


Teacher: If you have 5 burgers and I take 5 burgers from you, what will you be left with?


John: French Fries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dog Style

An 80 yr old man marries a 25 year old young woman.

He seeks Doctor's advice on the best way to deal with it.

Oldman: "Doc, I am 80 and am going to be sexually active again. What's the best way to have safe sex without getting heart attack...??"

Doc: "At your age , I highly reco...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

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A mother of 3 boys, ages 4, 6,7, goes to see a Doctor.

She explains that the boys have developed a bad habit of cursing quite a bit. And asks for advice on ways to stop them. He asks her," ma'am I've known these boys awhile and I've wandered if u have ever even spanked them?! They are the most unruly children i have ever known." The mother says," oh my ...

Whenever I asked for an ice cream from the van, my Mum would tell me that when they played music it meant that they’d run out

This isn't a joke, I'm 30 yrs old now finding out otherwise.

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Sex.....

Daddy is digging in the flower bed when little seven-yr-old Alice comes running out of the house, shouting, "Daddy, what's sex?"

He slowly drops his spade, straightens up and draws a deep breath. "Well, darling, it's like this... " he says, and starts rather reluctantly, giving a long and car...

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An 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 mins they shagged like Bast*rds. Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor.

Christ she said “you didnt F*ck Me like that 50yrs ago! To which the old man replied “50 yrs ago that fence Wasnt F*cking electric!

My wife asked: You're pretty proud of your self for that one aren't you? With only a slight smirk on her face.

So we were out to eat with the kids. My son, Ronin, is 1 yrs old and was kinda sick; coughing. We ordered some beers and she got a Chocolate Coffee stout. My son is hacking up a lung and I say to my wife: "Your beer is a lot like Ronin right now". She said "How's that?" I said, "They are both a litt...

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A guy searches for his wife at the supermarket..

A guy went to the supermarket w/ his wife, after a few minutes by the beverages section he realises his wife is missing. He then asks a guy (one that seems to be searching for someone too) near him:

- Husband: Hey dude, have you seen my wife?

- Stranger: Hey, I'm also looking for mine!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was out with this girl last night.

After dinner she asked me to give her all 10 inches and make it hurt,
So I fucked her 5 times and hit her with a stick.



(This a joke I heard from a 70 yr old man while working at a country club)

A well dressed 80yr old man walks into the senior center...

he stops, surveys the room and sees an attractive 70 yr old lady sitting by herself. he adjust his tie and walks over to her.
" So," He says, " do I come here often?"

Little boy gets home from school

and says. "Dad,I've got a part in a school play,I play a man who's been married for 25 yrs"

His dad replies,"Never mind son,maybe next time you'll get a speaking part".

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A PIIIG!


(was told to me by a 11 yr old in my class =])

A Prayer before Dinner

During a weekly dinner date between two neighbours, the 5 year old boy of the host was instructed to pray for the dinner.

5 Yr Old:"But dad I don't know how to pray.

Host:"Just pray for your friends,family,the neighbours and the poor.

5 Yr Old: Dear Jesus, thank you for the neig...

What do you call a disputatious horse?

A naahh sayer.



Credit:14 yr old me.

I contacted and arranged for a meet with an undercover FBI agent to show my skills in deduction and reasoning..

Unfortunately,a 14 yr old girl showed up at the coffee shop

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