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Marvel Jokes

Benedict Cumberbatch and his Marvel character have one thing in common...

Both of their last names are strange

Marvel's greatest villain is Thanos. DC's greatest villain

is Rotten Tomatoes.

Marvel endgame spoiler joke (roses are red)

Roses are red

Thor is fat

The god of thunder ends up playing fortnite and roasting children on voice chat

I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.

He’s a giant banner after all.

For the Marvel fans

Dr Strange: Knock knock
Dormammu: Who’s there?
Dr Strange: Door mom
Dormammu: Door mom who?
Dr Strange: Dormammu I have come to bargain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The hulk is the only bisexual marvel character

He smashes everything

The Eternals are the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe

They were the only team powerful enough to destroy the franchise

I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.

I think I might be a heroine addict.

A guy marvels at himself in the mirror

Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING"

His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"

How do you get Batman into the Marvel Universe?

Hang him on the wall. Now he's a Bruce Banner.

Marvel Studios is now against hair coloring

In fact, their next film is about a group of people that never dye

Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel.

She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

What’s marvel’s favorite trophy

The Stan Lee cup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are talking about dc vs marvel

P1: Dude i cant watch dc movies they're too dark.

P2: Well to be fair so is marvel. Thanos killed half the universe.

P1: No like they're literally too dark I cant fucking see anything

Marvel announced the first episode of the next season of "What If"

It's called "The DCU was Good"

So Marvel and Ikea decided to do a crossover series. Marvel replaced the "Suit up" catchphrase with...

..."Avengers Assemble".

Marvel just did the most risky marketing move of all time.

Announcing “Avengers: Secret Wars” to the public kind of defeats the purpose.

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

Sometimes I find myself just marveling at shovels.

What a groundbreaking invention.

Alliance Motors are saying that the latest Range Rover is a Marvel.

DC must be jealous.

Is Goose from Captain Marvel a good character?

You're flerken right he is.

What is a Marvel villain's favorite monosaccharide?

Galactose

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

Which Marvel hero would be the best nemesis of The Riddler?

The Pun-isher.

Adam and Eve are walking through the Garden of Eden for the first time

They marvel at the beauty. Waterfalls, beautiful plants, trees, and animals, and an incredible sky are the things they look at and enjoy. Adam looks past God and sees a woman standing there. With Eve next to him, he wonders who it is. He asks God "who is that standing there?" God turns and Queen Eli...

What's Captain Marvel's favorite cheese

Brie.

Why did Marvel fire Mark Ruffalo?

They don't need him. After all, hulk is just a big banner.

Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short

Looks like they ran out of characters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Marvel character Korg is canonically gay.

I’d guess you’d say the other gladiators are hitting rock bottom.

What Marvel Superhero is the best at HTML?

Spiderman.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

Which Marvel villain loves Thanksgiving the most?

Goblin

Marvel is working on a Spiderman reboot for Greek audiences

Featuring the adventures of Pita Parker

Marvel have announced their newest Superhero team, one consisting entirely of Trans-woman.

The Ex-Men.

Captain Marvel wasn’t the first standalone female superhero...

Iron man was, because he’s “Fe-Male”

What would you say to someone when you're busy looking for Captain Marvel's cat?

That you're on a wild Goose chase.

Rumor has it Marvel is gonna make a movie about Iron Woman

The cast will have a FeMale.

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

When Marvel named a movie after Chadwick Boseman's wife, they crossed the line

Seriously? Black Widow? Show some respect!

I've been watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel...

...but for the life of me, I can't figure out how it fits into the MCU.

Did you hear about Marvel wanting to buy the NHL?

They want to rename the championship trophy, The Stan Lee Cup

How many Marvel Characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but every couple of months another one changes the same lightbulb.

What OS uses the Marvel supervillain?

Than OS

My my wife said she was leaving me because of my wierd obsession with Marvel characters.

I said, please Yondu that.

Even though the Titanic was not a marvel of engineering

the pools are. Been up and running without maintenance since the day they were opened.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remov...

Why is Punisher the funniest Marvel character?

Because he has the best punchlines.

Duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, now can I have my b...

Marvel kills half of your favorite characters

Nintendo kills %99.9 of them

Did you hear about the new Marvel hero? He’s a Mexican guy that can clone himself...

I think he’s called Juan Division.

I got a marvelous birthday card the other day

I got a marvelous birthday card in the mail the other day, but it was not addressed for me. So I went and added new stamps and mailed it back to the sender. You get a lot of karma for reposting.

Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

Which Marvel villain is the master of subtlety?

Loki

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fan's of Marvel should be happy with the election results.

Looks like you'll be getting a Civil War sequel much earlier than anticipated.

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

Fortnite are releasing a marvel themed battle pack.

Can’t wait to get my hands on that Thor-skin.

Why did all the MARVEL Netflix shows disappear?

SNAP!

What do you call a shemale in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?

Ex-Men.

If Caitlyn Jenner wanted to play a marvel villain, what would she be called?

Tranos.

In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

What do Marvel movies and Billy Mays have in common?

They both are like, "But wait, there's more!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did ya hear? Captain Marvel got caught stealing soft French cheese...

It was Brie Larseny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is common between Marvel Avengers and Politicians.

Both fight among themselves to stay in business.
Every fucking movie.

Why did Aquaman join the DC universe instead of Marvel?

Because he was hydra-phobic.

First guy: I’ve got a big problem. I’m married to a wonderful cook, a marvelous lover, and the best-looking woman in town.

Second guy: So what’s the problem?
First guy: Having more than one wife is illegal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Marvel have a Muslim superhero?

I thought suicide squad was a DC thing.

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

Stalin visits a Young Pioneer camp.

He's inspecting the children who are all standing in uniforms in a straight line. He pulls one boy out of line.

"What is your name, boy?" asks Stalin.

"My name is Vovochka Karpov" answers the boy.

"So, tell me, Vovochka, who is your mother?"

"My mother is the Great Soviet...

I have developed a truly marvellous demonstration of Fermat's last theorem ...

which this post is too short to contain

Marvel will introduce a turkish superhero in the second infinity war movie

Ayran Man

Marvel just announced the title of the Infinity War sequel. [spoiler]

Avengers: Days of Future Past

How can you tell if you're actually just a character in a Marvel movie?

At some point you'll randomly bump into Stan Lee.

Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons...

If they acquire my parent’s divorce, they will own my entire childhood...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Netflix's new show is Marvel's Luke Cage, whose "Superpower is unbreakable skin.

Bullet proof skin on a black man isn't a super power its straight up evolution!

-Danish Anwar

Bill Cosby was actually gonna be in a Marvel movie

He was gonna play Sandman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

Stan Lee, may be rest in peace, will forever be known as the creative genius behind Marvel.

Sadly, all good things come to an end. As his left this universe, and passed on to the next, we have no choice to to acknowledge that he is DCseased.

A wife gives away her husband's huge collection of superhero items

She wanted their house to be Marvel-less

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

I really do wish Marvel would re-release The Avengers with Clark Gregg and Samuel L. Jackson swapping roles...

Black Coulson, wontcha come...

Marvel are developing a new super hero who has the ability to remotely edit people’s DNA.

He will be called “Gene Hackman”

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