Benedict Cumberbatch and his Marvel character have one thing in common...

Both of their last names are strange

Marvel endgame spoiler joke (roses are red)

Roses are red

Thor is fat

The god of thunder ends up playing fortnite and roasting children on voice chat

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The hulk is the only bisexual marvel character

He smashes everything

Marvel's greatest villain is Thanos. DC's greatest villain

is Rotten Tomatoes.

For the Marvel fans

Dr Strange: Knock knock
Dormammu: Who’s there?
Dr Strange: Door mom
Dormammu: Door mom who?
Dr Strange: Dormammu I have come to bargain

I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.

I think I might be a heroine addict.

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

A priest, a lawyer, and an engineer, were each sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest went first, and he says "Please. Allow me to lie facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him."

The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot.

The guard pulls the lever and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest's h...

Marvel or DCU ?

Which is the best Marvel or DCU, and why Marvel ?

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Sheep shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

Why is a bad government like a bikini?

Because people marvel at what's holding it up,and they wish it would fall.

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I don't understand why Marvel hasn't put any advertisements on the Hulk

The guy is essentially a giant banner.

Great deal

One day a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

“Eight hundred dollars,” the dentist says.

“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anaesthetic, I c...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

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On Christamas day...

On Christmas morning a policeman on horseback is doing his job, when he sees a boy riding his bike.

"I see you have a marvelous bike! Santa brought it to you, didn't he?"

"Yes he did!" replied the boy.

"Well tell Santa to bring a light for it next year!" said the policeman, givi...

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A duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I...

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Magic

After a long show, Marvelous Mike, an old magician enters a McDonald's. Not without Schadenfreude, he realizes that the cashier is his old competitor Harry Houdini.

Feigning empathy, he asks "Oh Harry. I cannot believe that such a gifted artist would end up like this. Anyway, may I have BigM...

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Three Rabbis

Three rabbis were walking and they came to the more questionable part of town. They pass by a shop that has a sign which reads...

Blowjobs:
$25
$50
$100

The first rabbi looks at the sign and says “My friends, it is time I enjoy some of the joys of the flesh. I am going to go a...

Did you hear about the new Marvel hero? He’s a Mexican guy that can clone himself...

I think he’s called Juan Division.

I support statehood for DC

But also Marvel and Dark Horse.

Even though the Titanic was not a marvel of engineering

the pools are. Been up and running without maintenance since the day they were opened.

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A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter and had gone all out

a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The...

There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.

As they are marveling abo...

Once, long ago, there was an Indian princess.

She was called Princess Happybottom, but she was very unhappy. She wanted more than anything to just be a normal girl.
One day, a magician noticed her forlorn appearance, and asked how he could help. “I just want to be normal, with a normal name, and be treated like a normal person.”
“I would...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Rabbit and Frog

One day a Rabbit and a Frog were hopping through the forest, when all of a sudden they bump into each other. They both apologise and exclaim that they are each blind. The Rabbit says that he has always been blind and doesn't actually know what he is. So the Frog said, that he has not always been...

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Prince charming wants to get married.

Prince charming want to get married, finds Snow White and asks:

Will you marry me?

"Of course, Majesty."

Prince charming shows his penis and asks:

Do you know what this is?

"Your beautiful penis, Prince.

I'm leaving. I want an innocent woman.

The Prin...

I've been watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel...

...but for the life of me, I can't figure out how it fits into the MCU.

The President visits a school

The President was visiting a school, and in one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"N...

Sean Connery built a magnificent bookcase

It was the centerpiece of the library in his mansion and even the Queen herself praised it as one of the top bookcases in all of England. Everyone who ever visited his library has marvelled at the sheer greatness of this bookcase and many said that if acting didn't work out, that he would have had ...

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"...

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

What would you say to someone when you're busy looking for Captain Marvel's cat?

That you're on a wild Goose chase.

A man visiting a farm notices a pig with only three legs.

He asks the farmer about the pig.

"Ah", says the father, "that pig, he be a mighty pig, that one. When me 'ouse got on fire that pig rushed in and dragged me and th'wife to safety. A miracle pig, he is."

"But that doesn't explain why he has three legs," said the man.

"Aye, a m...

God was handing out talents one morning

To some, He gave the power to create life. The angels around Him were in awe as crops flourished and population soared. To others, he gave fine skills and artistry. His angelic entourage marveled at intricate needlework, tapestry, and sculpture.

God stooped down low and found a man waiting i...

How many Marvel Characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but every couple of months another one changes the same lightbulb.

Sometimes I find myself just marveling at shovels.

What a groundbreaking invention.

A guy marvels at himself in the mirror

Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING"

His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

A plane climbs too high and passes by heaven.

The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and tells the cabin that if they look to their right, they'll see the pearly gates and the shining city beyond.

The passengers marvel at the sight, but one man spots his daughter who died from cancer the previous month. He rushes to the emergency exit, where ...

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

Jogging through the town, a young woman saw a wizened old man smiling at her from his drive.

'You look so happy!' she said to him. 'What's your secret for a long, satisfying life?'

'I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,' he smiled. 'And I drink a case of whiskey every week, eat nothing but fatty foods and never exercise.'

'That's amazing,' the woman marvelled. 'How old are ...

My my wife said she was leaving me because of my wierd obsession with Marvel characters.

I said, please Yondu that.

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

Fishing

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

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I heard Marvel is introducing a new super heroine call Menstrual Girl. Guess what her super power is.

WHATEVER SHE FUCKING WANTS!

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

First guy: I’ve got a big problem. I’m married to a wonderful cook, a marvelous lover, and the best-looking woman in town.

Second guy: So what’s the problem?
First guy: Having more than one wife is illegal.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old these bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age ...

What's Captain Marvel's favorite cheese

Brie.

Fortnite are releasing a marvel themed battle pack.

Can’t wait to get my hands on that Thor-skin.

Dorothy and Edna, two senior widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk
with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in...

A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow.

So they decided to enter an auto race. Instead of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail.


When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.


The spectators marveled "Wow, look ...

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A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

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There are two best friends named Jimmy and Freddy...

...who love to do woodworking together in Freddy's garage. One afternoon, Jimmy shows up at Freddy's house and discovers the butterfingers Freddy has cut his hand off with the circular saw. Jimmy remembers something he read once, puts the hand in a bag on ice, and rushes his friend and hands it of...

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The Lie Detector

A man buys a robot shaped like an arm and a hand and brings it home to his wife and son.

Son: "What is it?"

Dad: "It's a lie detector robot. It slaps people who lie."

Son: "No way!"

Dad: "It really is. Here let's try it: why weren't you at school today?"

Son (def...

Why did Marvel fire Mark Ruffalo?

They don't need him. After all, hulk is just a big banner.

Dave was walking along the beach and saw a beautiful lamp wash up.

He rubbed it and a marvelous Genie popped out and his mother-in-law, Cathy, appeared.

The Genie stated, you have three wishes, but be careful what you wish for.. and whatever you get, your mother-in-law will get double. Cathy snickered at him and started rubbing her hands together. "It's abou...

An employee's boss pulls intonthe parking lot with a new Porsche

The employee marvels. "That's a nice car! That the newest model?"

The boss said "Sure is. And she's got EVERYTHING."

"That sure is something," the employee comments.

"Well hey, you know..." begins the boss. "If you work hard, never miss a day, and put your all into it? Next...

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A teacher and her class of kindergarteners learn about grown-up words

A teacher is teaching her class of kindergarteners how to use grown-up expressions.

She points to little Sally and asks, "Sally, what did you do this weekend."

Sally tilted her head and said, "I went on a choo choo!"

"Marvelous, dear," said the teacher, "But next time, try 'I ro...

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In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.

That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against hi...

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2 Nuns and a condom

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvellous invention ca...

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

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In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

MP

Interview Start...

>> MP&HR Officer <<
........................................

HR : what is your name?

Mike : MP sir

HR : In full please...

Mike : Michael Phang

HR : your father's name?

Mike : MP sir

HR : what does that mean...

I met a 60 years old lady last night at the pub..

She looked marvellous for her years. I wondered how beautiful her daughter must be. After having a few drinks, she came up to me and asked "Have you ever been with a mother and a daughter at the same time?"


"Can't say I have," I replied excitedly.


She winked at me and whispered...

What’s marvel’s favorite trophy

The Stan Lee cup

Marvel have announced their newest Superhero team, one consisting entirely of Trans-woman.

The Ex-Men.

If Marvel was an Indian company, Spider-Man would've been considered sacred.

He's a cash cow.

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

Two priests are showering

Two priests are showering when one says to the other “Damn I’m out of soap”

The other priest says “I’ll go to my office and get some”.

So the priest picks up two bars of soap from his office, but on his way back he hears the voices of two nuns down the hall.

The priest, stark ...

The leaders of Russia, North Korea and the United States fly up to the international space station...

Upon their arrival, they all marvel at the view of the earth from such magnificent heights. They begin to toss around ideas of ways they could all benefit from the ISS.

The Russian leader talks about all of the opportunities to use imaging to spy on people from outerspace. The other leaders ...

What OS uses the Marvel supervillain?

Than OS

I got a marvelous birthday card the other day

I got a marvelous birthday card in the mail the other day, but it was not addressed for me. So I went and added new stamps and mailed it back to the sender. You get a lot of karma for reposting.

Captain Marvel wasn’t the first standalone female superhero...

Iron man was, because he’s “Fe-Male”

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Guy walks into math exam not knowing anything

He apparently fails. So teacher gives him F.
Guy: please Mr.Donovan let me sing. I can sing like Freddie Mercury. Please let me sing, I promise you have never heard anything like that. and if I do so please give me a good grade.
Teacher looks at his colleagues and nods. Guy sings the shit...

Disney / Marvel just signed Caitlyn Jenner for a movie deal.

The new ex-Men movie.

The old woman and her bakery

There was an old woman who ran a bakery. She made amazing cakes that everyone just loved.

She works on making marvelous cakes for everyone 364 days of the year.

But she would refuse to make any cake on November 26th.

Instead, she would take a bunch of signs and place them all...

Husband and Wife went to Mexico for vacation

When returning to the US, driving through Tijuana, the husband sees a guy selling a beautiful skunk. Astonished with it's beauty, the husband begs the wife to let him take it home.

The wife, although also finding the skunk marvelous, is afraid that the US Customs and Border Protection will no...

I don’t know why everyone thinks Avengers: Endgame is long...

Isn’t it Marvell Studios’ twenty second movie?

What do you call a shemale in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?

Ex-Men.

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A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...

Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!

Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means. "Engineered for my tastes, what bullshit!", he says.

Driving for the next couple miles, he final...

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Did ya hear? Captain Marvel got caught stealing soft French cheese...

It was Brie Larseny

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The Hunting accident

While out on a hunting expedition, a man is climbing over a fallen tree when his shotgun goes off, hitting him straight in the groin. Rushed to hospital , he awakes from the anaesthetic to find the surgeon has done a marvellous job repairing his damaged member. As he dresses to go home, the surgeon ...

What is Marvel's new, SPIDER-MAN themed trophy?

A box of uncle Ben's rice with a bullet inside.

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

Why is Punisher the funniest Marvel character?

Because he has the best punchlines.

Is Goose from Captain Marvel a good character?

You're flerken right he is.

Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

What does Captain Marvel call her vibrator?

Captain DC

If Caitlyn Jenner wanted to play a marvel villain, what would she be called?

Tranos.

Marvel have a Muslim superhero?

I thought suicide squad was a DC thing.

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