Success is like pregnancy

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.

The priest called me in to his office to congratulate me on my First Communion.

It was a touching experience.

The lion got married and arranged a big wedding party. All the animals came to the wedding to congratulate him.

The rabbit came, put his hand on the his upper back and said: "congratulations my brother!! I wish..." the lion got angry by hearing the word brother, stopped him immediately and roar at him "BROTHER!?!? How the hell can you be my brother?!? I'm a LION!!! the king of all the living animals, and you'...

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

People always congratulate me when i tell them i beat cancer...

I mean just because I named my kid cancer doesn't mean I need to be congratulated...

I'd like to congratulate the inventor of the wobbly table

He must be successful with them being in every restaurant and cafe

How do you congratulate a slice of bread on his wedding day?

Toast him

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Three men were going through Holy Orders to become priests...

They had passed all the tests up to this point and we're ready for the final test. They stood before the bishop and he told them that the final test would prove their devotion to God. They were instructed to take all their clothes off and tie little bells around their dicks.

The bishop told t...

How do Intel workers celebrate and congratulate each other?

They give each other i5's.

How do you congratulate a Jewish bodybuilder?

Muscle Tov!

I would like to congratulate Amy Winehouse

on almost 4 years of sobriety.

My brother proposed to his girlfriend while on holiday. I called to congratulate them...

...but they were engaged.

When I tell people that I'm a 20 year old guy who identifies as a girl they congratulate me

But I'm not sure why when I told them I also identify as 7 years old they kicked me out of the elementary school cafeteria.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Trump is doing a meet-and-greet at a crowded venue

and his security detail is being extra watchful. One of them is a new guy and he’s extra jumpy.
Suddenly, a gunman bursts from the crowd, aiming his weapon at the President. Pandemonium ensues. The rookie bodyguard screams “Mickey Mouse!!!” at the top of his voice and this startles the would be a...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bathroom.

Much to their surprise, the mirror greets them, saying,

"I am a magic mirror. Each one of you can tell me one way you think you are better than each of the other ladies. If you are right I will give you a reward beyond anything you could imagine. If you are wrong, I will suck you into the mir...

Three men were going to the doctor for a checkup.

The first man walks in. The doctor asks him, "anything happened lately?"

The man replied, "I finally beat cancer!"

The doctor congratulates him and they do the checkup. Then the man walks away.

The second man walks in and also claims he beat cancer. They do the checkup and the ...

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

Three vampires were chilling on a hill

The first vampire Steve says "I'm gonna be back in a minute" and transforms into a bat to fly off. After a while, he comes back with a little drop of blood on his lips. Their friends ask him what happened.

\+Do you see the yellow building over there?

\-Yes.

\+OK, do you see the ...

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

How do you congratulate a fighter after winning a match?

Good jab.

New life

Well, I can congratulate you! A new life has arisen in you !!!

Doctor ... but I'm a man!

Really? Well, actually, the worms somehow do not care.

A new officer is being shown around his office when a younger soldier comes in.

Wanting to show off he picks up the phone and says”of course sir I will take it to the president at once”

The soldier is seemingly impressed so the officer continues.

“ wait the president wants to congratulate me, it is true I did save those soldiers back in war”

He continues th...

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A teacher asks her student...

Teacher: "Rachel, what's the part of the body that can grow 9 times its initial size?"

R: "The penis"

T: "The pupil, but congratulate your boyfriend"

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Two blonde pilots...

On their first commercial flight together two blonde pilots, best friends for years, are finally flying together after years of being co-pilots for more experienced captains. The cockpit was finally *theirs*.

The flight goes very smoothly and they congratulate each other as they are coming in...

Hiring Process

HR staff: " Sir, we found 3 candidates that meet our general requirements, now how do you want their placements sir?"

HR Director : "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room & close the door, leave them alone & come back after a few hours and analy...

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A mailman retires after 30 years service and starts his route for the last time.

At his first house, Mrs Smith congratulates him on his retitrement, takes him upstairs and boffs his brains out.

Afterwards she takes him downstairs and sits him at the table which is made up with pancakes, bacon, eggs, coffee and a one dollar bill on the plate.

After starting to eat h...

9 is enough.

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.


He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."


"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the a...

Saul the Dreamer (An Old Yiddish Joke from Centuries Back)

Here's one that's long, but probably not a repost.


Once upon a time there lived a man whose name was Saul the Dreamer. Saul was a man of roving and adventurous disposition, always ready to travel and explore. One day, an itinerant maggid told him about a far away country where onions w...

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My daughter's teacher just called me to say she was late today and missed first period.

I thought, "what a shitty way to congratulate me on becoming a grandparent!"

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Golfing Jesus

Jesus and two others are out playing 18 when they come up on a par three with a particularly tricky water hazard. The first gent tees off and not surprisingly he hits into the water, forcing a drop.

Jesus steps up to the tee with his usual swagger and addresses the ball. His robes move as flu...

A guy kept falling asleep in church

A guy kept falling asleep in church, so his wife asked the priest what she could do. The priest gives her a needle and tells her to stab him with it when he’s asleep.

The next day, during the sermon, the priest asks the church, ‘Who is our Saviour?’

The guy falls asleep. His wife stab...

Burt and Arthur are playing golf

As Burt is eyeing in a putt on the 14th, a funeral procession drives slowly down the road right next to the green. Burt drops his putter, removes his hat, bows his head and mutters in a respectful manner.
 

Arthur congratulates Burt on his display of respect and says he didn’t kn...

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After 35 years, mailman George decides to retire.

On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.

When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house hand him a se...

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Bar contest with a donkey

A man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He reads a notice that says make the donkey laugh and win free drinks for the day. The man walks up whispers something to the donkey it looks at him and bursts out laughing. He claims his free drinks and leaves. 2 weeks later the man returns to the bar and r...

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[My version is better]Sally was a terrible Sunday school student...

she always fell asleep in class. Now, the teacher of this Sunday school liked to start things off by asking questions from the lesson before so she could see if the students got last week's lesson. On this morning the teacher started things out nice and easy. She asked, "Who is the creator of the un...

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Three ducks walk into a bar (NSFW)

Three ducks walk into a bar and order 3 beers. When the 1st duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, "Thanks man, my name is Huey." The bartender says "Nice to meet you Huey! How's your day been?" Huey replies "Man! I have had the best day ever... I have been in and out of puddles all day long. Co...

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Fred has a week off and decides

to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she’s very attractive. He’s interested and suggests that they play the rest o...

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A billionaire was celebrating his 50th birthday

At party he grabbed a mic and said

"There are 2 sharks in my swimming pool, if one of you can swim from one side to the other I'll give him whatever he asks for"

No one dared to jump in the water until suddenly everyone heard a splash and saw a man swimming as fast as he could.

...

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Being successful is like getting pregnant..

..Everyone will come to congratulate you but no one dares to ask how hard and how many times you were fucked.

A girl had taken singing lessons from a famous teacher.

He was present at her recital, and after it was over she was anxious to know his reaction.

He didn't come back to congratulate her, and so she asked a friend, "What did he say?"

Her loyal friend answered, "He said that you sang heavenly."

She couldn't quite believe that her tea...

An old woman in Texas is celebrating her one hundredth birthday.

The local news comes to her birthday party to congratulate her on achieving such an advanced age. They find her in good health and good spirits on her special day. They ask her what her secret to longevity is. She answers immediately and confidently that her method is to eat a tablespoon of gunpowde...

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At a lavish party the host calls for silence as he makes an announcement..

He says;

"To the first person who can swim from one end of my swimming pool to the other I will duly award them the sum of one million dollars but there's a twist! As you can see there's also three huge alligators and...

Before he could finish his sentence there's a huge splash and co...

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An American businessman..

..was playing a round of golf with an Italian businessman, a French businessman, and a Japanese businessman. His plan was to congratulate them on every shot they made.

The Italian businessman went first and got within 20 yards of the hole.
The American, knowing some Italian, said, "buono t...

Almost Screamed

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a...

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love,...

A man rushes his pregnant wife into the delivery room

As the doctors are getting her ready to give birth, one of them informs the man that a machine that transfers some of the pain of birth from the mother to the father had been developed. They ask the man if he would want to take on some of the pain to make his wife's burden easier.

The man agr...

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Little Johnny Goes To School...

Little Johnny goes to school and after only 15 minutes, the teacher tells them that whoever can identify the speaker one of three quotes can go home. Johnny couldn't believe it, he was smart enough, he could go home after only 15 minutes of school!

So the teacher says "I'll start out with an ...

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Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward.

edit: maternity ward, sorry my vocab is crap

They're all very anxious about becoming a father. After waiting some time, the doctor appears and congratulates the first man.

"Congratulations, your wife had twins!"

The man was relieved, but was a bit surprised. "What a coincidence...

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A lady just wants to take a bath.

Here’s an original one.


A woman, let’s go with Penny., was preparing to go to a banquet in two hours. She goes to to take a bath. She prepares a clean dry, takes off her clothes and throws them into the dirty hamper. Just as she was about to step foot into the bath, she hears a knock at ...

Engineering at its finest

One day, a group of engineering professors are invited by their students to take a vacation on the islands of Hawaii. The professors are pleased and the next day they all enter the plane. However, just before the boarding stage is complete, the captain, who used to be a former student, makes a quick...

A group of blondes walk into a bar...

A group of blondes walk into a bar and order a round of beers. They laugh and congratulate one another and finish their drinks. One blonde says to the bar tender "Another round, on me!" The bartender gets them another round of drinks and they continue to be lively and cheery and before long, finish ...

The Paint Job

A man finds job as a road painter and the first week he paints 15km (9.3 miles) of the road his boss congratulates him for being the best employee. The next week he suddenly changes to 10 km (6.2 miles) his boss doesn't say anything but is a bit worried. The third week he only paints 5km (3.1) so h...

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Two guys and a girl walk into a hotel.

The manager of the hotel welcomes them in and congratulates them for being the 9,99,998th, 9,99,999th and 10,00,000th customers respectively. He says they have won a special prize for having completed one million customers.

He leads them to an empty swimming pool and says "This is a special ...

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A man comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, *bang*, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe...

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Businessman in Japan

There was a businessman from a big company that went to Japan to close an important deal.
He didn't speak any Japanese, but he knew the Japanese President company would speak English so he didn't learn any.

After arriving to Tokyo he decided to do some city-sighting and enjoying some good ...

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A Man Walks into a Bar to Celebrate NSFW

He sits down and orders a shot of whiskey and tells the bartender he is celebrating his first blowjob. The bartender congratulates him and tells him the whiskey is on the house. After the first shot, the man orders another couple of shots. The bartender gives him the shots and asks, "Are you stil...

It was the talk of the town...

It was the talk of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year, she went to a hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the guy. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”

He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”...

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An American businessman goes to Japan (NSFW)

An American businessman goes to Japan to meet with a client so the night before, he hires a prostitute. While they're having sex, she keeps moaning "machigatta ana." The man is confident about himself and goes to meet with his client the next day at a golf course. While there, the client makes a hol...

Toasting contest

Paddy O'Quinn is down at the pub and wins the toasting competition with " Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me beautiful wife."
Proud of this he goes home and tells the wife he won. She asked what toast he used. Not wanting to embarass a good Catholic girl he says " I sa...

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The round of her dreams (NSFW)

Jeff plays golf with his brother, his son, and his dad every Saturday. His brother has to back out one day and so they are asked if they would mind picking up a single player. They say it's fine. As they are stepping onto the first tee a gorgeous blonde walks out and says she's their 4th. As they ar...

When wishes come true.

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise...

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4 men and their sons.

‎4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of t...

Heaven and the Ducks

A man dies and is sent to meet St. Peter at the gates of heaven. There he sees St. Peter standing in front of a field of ducks. The man asks what the ducks are for and St. Peter tells him that if he steps on a duck he will be paired in heaven with an ugly women, however if he can make it through the...

The Spy Test

Three candidates for being a spy are given the final test. Each one is given a gun and taken to a house with orders to kill whoever is in there. Unbeknownst to the candidates, at that house is each candidate's wife and the gun is filled with blanks.

The first candidate goes in and the spy m...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.

All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before:

Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me"

Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my fri...

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A partisan joke for election day

Jacob, Jonah, and John aren't getting along very well in Heaven, and one day God gets tired of it and kicks them out. "I'm sick of you guys bickering. You don't appreciate the gifts I gave you. I want you guys to do something amazing. Work together and do something for the record books! As soon...

My kinesiology professor likes to tell jokes in class that he hears from other professors, friends or family. This was today's gem. Warning, there's a lot of lead-up, but that's just how my teacher seems to tell jokes.

So there was a football game in the jungle between all of the big animals and all of the small animals, to see who was the best and would get the best spots at the watering hole. In the first half of the game, the small animals were getting obliterated--they couldn't gain a single yard on the big an...

The neighbors (I've only heard it told in Russian but don't know if it's originally Russian)

Yuriy is walking along the sidewalk one day when he notices posters advertising a competition for the whole town. The contestants have to swim across a river which no one has ever crossed before due to extreme rapids and plant the town's coat of arms in order to impress incoming administrative offi...

Little Johnny : I like the way you think

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?" One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." T...

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3 men go to the red light district...

An 18 year old boy, his father and his grandfather decide to have a men's night to celebrate the boy's 18th birthday.
After quite some drinks the grandfather boasts: "When I became your age I was taken to the hookers and made a real man!"
They agree that that would be a suitable way to end the...

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In his first trip to Japan, the businessman...

...is very nervous about meeting his wealthiest client, Mr. Nakagawa, whom he will be playing golf with the day after he arrives in the country. He takes a cab from the airport to his hotel and heads to the bar to drink his nerves away. Over the course of countless cups of sake, he meets a lovely yo...

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Showed up in my feed

1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy....

An Orchestra in Albuquerque in July

A travelling orchestra had planned on being in Albuquerque in January and Minneapolis in July. However, their manager got the dates wrong and the group ended up doing a three-day run in an outdoor theater in Albuquerque in the middle of the July heat. The event was exhausting and by the third night,...

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Three man want to marry the same woman

A business man, a taxi driver and a hill-Billy are in love with the same woman. She couldn't decide which one to marry. The father decides to make a competition for the three of them to see who was worthy of her daughter. It would consist of three challenges: First they would have to jump over an el...

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turtles birthday!

It was the Turtles birthday in the animal kingdom and he was turning 150 years. King of the animals was the lion and he proclaimed, (For Turtles birthday we should have a great party and each animal will say a joke to the Turtle for his birthday. Whoever disrepected the Turtle and did not make him l...

A wealthy old man marries a young woman...

Before long they are in the hospital delivering their first baby.


"Congratulations its a healthy boy," the doctor says to the elderly man. "How did you do it at your age?"


"Well Doc, I just have a great running engine." the man replies.


A few years later the man and ...

Two brothers are discussing the details of their father's funeral

The first one is trying to arrange everything himself, because he knows that the other one is pretty dim and sure to mess something up in some way.

The dim brother insists that he won't. Finally the first brother relents and gives him a small task: "Just make sure dad looks nice for the servi...

So a man goes to the grocery store and waits in line

So a man goes to the grocery store and waits in line. He notices there's a dog front of him. When it's the dog's turn, the dog reaches over the counter and gives the clerk a note and some money. The clerk takes the necessary things, puts it in a bag and hands the bag and some change to the dog. The ...

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One day a multi billionaire was bored, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.

A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've got a deal you can't refuse. Whoever can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leeches may have whatever his heart desires."

No one replies so the man gives up.

All of a sudden the man hears a sp...

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A woman went to the doctor...

A woman went to the doctor with, from her perspective, a huge problem. She had always been ashamed of her private parts; her over-sized outer labias. They made her vagina look like an overweight camels mouth. One day, she couldn't take it anymore and went to the plastic surgeon to minimize them.
...

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10 shots of vodka...

A young man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 10 shots of vodka. The bartender shakes his head and says "Hold on pal, that's a lot of vodka... what's the special occasion?" The young man grins and says "My first blowjob."

The bartender congratulates him and says "You know, that is ...