UPJOKE
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Pharaoh's were buried with their hands across their chest...

....because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

How did the pharaoh get so rich?

He was running a huge pyramid scheme.

Why did the Pharaoh visit the dentist?

Because Egypt his tooth...

What do you call a Pharaoh who drives around with "Road Rage"

Tootin' car man

Two pharaohs fart. Their farts smell the same.

They had a Tutankhamun.

A lot of people didn't believe it when they were told the pharaoh wasn't a god, just a man like any other.

They were in the Nile.

What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?

Tootin' car man. (My friend swears she made up this joke so I'm pretty sure this is actual OC)

There was once an Egyptian Pharaoh rumored to have never passed gas...

His name was Toot-Uncommon.

Archaeologists found a mummy adorned with ancient nuts and wrapped in gold foil.

They believe it may be the legendary Pharaoh Rocher.

When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans.

Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid.

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot Uncommon

Oldest jokes in human history - Another s*x joke, Ancient Egypt, 1600 BC.

One of the world's oldest joke was found in the Ancient Egyptian story book known as the Westcar Papyrus

It goes:

# "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?

# "You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

What do you call an Eygptian Pharaoh that farts the same way as you?

Toot in Common!!

What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?

"Aw *hail* naw!"

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans?

I hear they have a Tutankhamon

I fart just like the ancient pharaohs did…

I guess you could say we have a Tutankhamun.

What’s the similarity between a man with an upset stomach and a list of ancient Egyptian pharaohs?

>!They both have a toot in common!<

King Pharaoh: I have a great business opportunity for you...

Israelites: Umm, is this not a pyramid scheme?

Why did the pharaohs marriage fall apart?

Pyramid Scheme

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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

What do drug addicts and pharaohs have in common?

De Nile

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?

Darn Tutankhamun!

What vehicle do you give a Pharaoh as a gift?

A new bus.

The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.
...

What operating system did the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs use?

Ubuntutankhamun

Moses walks up the the Pharaoh and says "Let my people go!"

The Pharaoh replies, "no way!"

Moses says, "Yahweh!"

So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

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Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school.

His father asks him what they were talking about. "Exodus" he answers. "Oh, and what did you learn?" inquires father. "Well, you see Moses was leading his people out of Egypt and they came to the Red Sea. To get across Moses picks up his radio and calls for engineers. They quickly build pontoon brid...

Who does a pharaoh talk to when he is sad?

His Mummy.

Who was the Pharaoh's favourite chef?

Gordon Ramesses

A descendant of a pharaoh

A descendant of a pharaoh learned he was going to die and called his pastor, his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He told the three that he wanted to be buried in the style of his ancestors and to be buried with some of his wealth. He hands them each an envelope and says “In this envelope is $30,...

A pharaoh makes a reservation in a restaurant:

"Can I reserve a table for two?"

"Sure just give me a name."

"Semerkhet."

"Would you spell it for me?"

"Bird, double triangle, wavy line, another bird, dog head, sun, scarab..."

Jesus and Moses

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach recalling old times. Jesus said, "Moses, do you remember the time you spoke to the burning bush?" Moses replied, "Of course! That was when God spoke to me and it turned my life around. That's where I learned my life's mission to free God's people from Pha...

Cleaning up the heavens

God finally gets around to clean up the heavens and finds the commandments. What to do with the old junk? He looks down onto the earth, maybe someone could have a use for them.

He asks the Egyptians. The Pharaoh looks up and says "Dude, sorry, we're busy with our pyramids, no can do."

...

Why was the pharaoh startled by his wife's loud fart?

It was a toot uncommon to him.

How does a mother call her son, a pharaoh, to dinner?

Tutan come on!

Why did the Pharaoh Build a Statue of Himself?

Because he Sphinx he's the best.

TIL: They found an unopened tomb in Egypt and a new Pharaoh last month

The strange thing was he was wrapped in foil - his name is Pharaoh Rocher

Moses and the Pharaoh.

A long, long time ago in Egypt the Israelites were held as slaves. One day the evil Pharaoh passed a decree that no Israelite could cut the grass outside their house.

The grass grew and grew, covering the houses and making it quite an ordeal for the Israelites to go to work in the morning, wh...

Who was the most opinionated, arrogant, offputting pharaoh ever to rule Egypt?

Imhotep

My kid's doing his masters' thesis on ancient Egypt plumbing design

He's a Pharaoh faucet major

Who was the heaviest of the Pharaohs?

King Two-ton-khamen.

Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb

When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.

What was the name of that thing that really attracted ancient Egyptian women?

Pharaoh moans.

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

An old Egyptian pharaoh drowned himself when he learned the new, younger pharaoh was taking over...

He was in denial.

When people around me complain about my flatulence I explain to them that it puts me on the same level as the great Pharaohs of old....

Because we have a Tutanhkhamun.

Why didn't the Pharaoh believe he was drowning?

Because he was in deNile

Scans of a newly discovered sarcophagus have revealed that the mummy inside was coated in nuts and chocolate

It’s believed to have been body of Pharaoh Roche.

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

Heard about the Egyptian tomb stuffed full of wafer, nuts & chocolate?

Archaeologists think it was Pharaoh Rocher.

Why did Egyptian royalty have an easy time getting married?

They had great Pharaoh-mones

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know when the king of Egypt is horny?

...From all the Pharaoh moans.

How do mummies attract mates?

Pharaoh-mones!

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians...

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians you could fit in a pyramid...

It's probably a pharaoh mount!

I’m surprised there are not a lot of Jewish tennis players.

After all, Moses served in Pharaoh’s court.

So I was brushing up on Egyptian history the other day...

and I was reading about King Tut. Apparently he suffered from IBS, which caused him to pass the most ungodly smelling gas (reminiscent of rotting animal carcasses seasoned with rotted potatoes). Due to this, it was hard to find servants willing to happily serve him, but one day, Tut's parents encoun...

Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?

The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"

A new discovery is made pertaining to the ethnicity of Ancient Egyptian Kings

Archaeologists have discovered that the kings of Ancient Egypt were in fact black. Upon unwrapping the gold sarcophagus they found the body of a dark chocolate skinned man. The legendary Pharaoh Rocher.

I once played chess with an Egyptian King...

...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.

The captain has good news and bad news.

The Egyptian royal barge returns to harbour after a long day ferrying the pharaoh up and down the Nile. The captain says to the tired oarsmen 'Right, lads, I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?'

The oarsmen consult among themselves and decide they fancy some good n...

Anyone who reads this joke will suffer the eternal curse of Pharaoh

Phuck you

Why do Egyptians shave their heads?

To make them more pharaoh-dynamic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Splitting the Red Sea

Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped.
"God dammit," said Moses.

So God did.

Moses was commiserating with the Hebrews in Egypt

Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

"You, Moses, heed me ! I have good ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Tut is having a Hieroglyphics class in Ancient Egypt.

The teacher dictates: "Our Pharaoh, King of the Kings, Son of Ra, strong as a crocodile and manly as.."
And Tut, from the back of the class, asks:
-How many balls is "manly" spelled with?

Archaeologists have been searching around ..

Archaeologists have been searching around The Great Pyramids, and have come across a mummy covered in hazelnuts and chocolate. After more research it has been discovered it was the late Pharaoh Roche

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