What do drug addicts and pharaohs have in common?

De Nile

How did the pharaoh get so rich?

He was running a huge pyramid scheme.

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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

If two pharaoh's farts sound the same...

Do they have a Tutankhamun?

Why did the pharaohs marriage fall apart?

Pyramid Scheme

Archaeologists have discovered the tomb of a previously unknown pharaoh.

When they opened it, the mummy was covered in chocolate and nuts. The hieroglyphics identified him as Pharaoh Roche.

What name did they give the Egyptian pharaoh who rarely passed gas?

Toot-uncommon

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How did Pharaoh successfully enslave the Jews?

He created a pyramid scheme

What do you call a pharaoh who farts infrequently?

Toot-uncommon.

Pharaohs almost never farted until it hurt. It was considered a terrible fate

Many called it the curse of Toot-uncommon.

So a wealthy ancient Egyptian was approached by the Pharaoh's messenger asking for funding for their rulers tomb. He replied,

"it seems likes its just a pyramid scheme"

Why was the pharaoh startled by his wife's loud fart?

It was a toot uncommon to him.

Why did the Pharaoh visit the dentist?

Because Egypt his tooth...

Moses walks up the the Pharaoh and says "Let my people go!"

The Pharaoh replies, "no way!"

Moses says, "Yahweh!"

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

If two Egyptian pharaohs farted at the same time...

...did they toot in common?

I was asked to fit new flooring in an Egyptian pharaohs tomb, they asked me to start at the bottom and work my way up to the top.

It wasn’t quite a pyramid scheme but it was multi level carpeting.

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?

Darn Tutankhamun!

How does a mother call her son, a pharaoh, to dinner?

Tutan come on!

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

What do you call it when a pharaoh farts just like his dad?

King Toot in common

What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?

"Aw *hail* naw!"

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the Pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot uncommon

Hello, can I reserve a table for Pharaoh Hotepsekhemwy?

Could you spell by letters, please?


Yes, sure. A bird, two triangles, a wavy line, the sun, again a bird, a dog's head, a scarab

Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?

His Mummy.


I'm sorry.

A descendant of a pharaoh

A descendant of a pharaoh learned he was going to die and called his pastor, his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He told the three that he wanted to be buried in the style of his ancestors and to be buried with some of his wealth. He hands them each an envelope and says “In this envelope is $30,...

Why did the all-pharaoh brass band break up?

They didn’t have a Tutankhamun.

Who was the Pharaoh's favourite chef?

Gordon Ramesses

When people around me complain about my flatulence I explain to them that it puts me on the same level as the great Pharaohs of old....

Because we have a Tutanhkhamun.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

An old Egyptian pharaoh drowned himself when he learned the new, younger pharaoh was taking over...

He was in denial.

TIL: They found an unopened tomb in Egypt and a new Pharaoh last month

The strange thing was he was wrapped in foil - his name is Pharaoh Rocher

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A tomb raider goes into a pyramid

She enters the pyramid after hearing that the pharaoh holds a great artifact. She hops and dodges all kinds of traps until she gets caught by a zombie slave.

Slave says: I'm going to make you a slave.

He forces the raider into the slave room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She ...

Why didn't the Pharaoh believe he was drowning?

Because he was in deNile

The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.
...

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians...

Sometimes I wonder how many Egyptians you could fit in a pyramid...

It's probably a pharaoh mount!

Why did the Pharaoh Build a Statue of Himself?

Because he Sphinx he's the best.

What vehicle do you give a Pharaoh as a gift?

A new bus.

Why did Egyptian royalty have an easy time getting married?

They had great Pharaoh-mones

A man in ancient Egypt commits a crime. The Pharaoh says "The penalty for your crime is death." "How would like to die?"

"Death by old age"

Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb

When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.

What was the name of that thing that really attracted ancient Egyptian women?

Pharaoh moans.

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

Why do Egyptians shave their heads?

To make them more pharaoh-dynamic

How do mummies attract mates?

Pharaoh-mones!

I’m surprised there are not a lot of Jewish tennis players.

After all, Moses served in Pharaoh’s court.

Archaeologists have been searching around ..

Archaeologists have been searching around The Great Pyramids, and have come across a mummy covered in hazelnuts and chocolate. After more research it has been discovered it was the late Pharaoh Roche

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How do you know when the king of Egypt is horny?

...From all the Pharaoh moans.

A new discovery is made pertaining to the ethnicity of Ancient Egyptian Kings

Archaeologists have discovered that the kings of Ancient Egypt were in fact black. Upon unwrapping the gold sarcophagus they found the body of a dark chocolate skinned man. The legendary Pharaoh Rocher.

The captain has good news and bad news.

The Egyptian royal barge returns to harbour after a long day ferrying the pharaoh up and down the Nile. The captain says to the tired oarsmen 'Right, lads, I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?'

The oarsmen consult among themselves and decide they fancy some good n...

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The American and the Camel

An American tech guru made a bunch of money from selling his Bitcoins and decided that now was the time to visit Egypt to see the various ancient tombs of the pharaohs.

He went to Jamal's Used Camel lot to purchase a camel to ride across the desert, as he had seen in many video games.

...

Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?

The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"

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Splitting the Red Sea

Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped.
"God dammit," said Moses.

So God did.

So I was brushing up on Egyptian history the other day...

and I was reading about King Tut. Apparently he suffered from IBS, which caused him to pass the most ungodly smelling gas (reminiscent of rotting animal carcasses seasoned with rotted potatoes). Due to this, it was hard to find servants willing to happily serve him, but one day, Tut's parents encoun...

I once played chess with an Egyptian King...

...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.

Who are the greatest financiers in the bible?

Noah, all his stock was afloat when the rest of the world was in liquidation, and Pharaohs' daughter, who went to the bank and found a little prophet.

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Little Tut is having a Hieroglyphics class in Ancient Egypt.

The teacher dictates: "Our Pharaoh, King of the Kings, Son of Ra, strong as a crocodile and manly as.."
And Tut, from the back of the class, asks:
-How many balls is "manly" spelled with?

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court

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