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Warmer Jokes

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The Amish Hand Warmer

An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daugh...

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

Where do ancient Greek philosophers keep their wooly foot warmers?

Sock-crates.

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A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

Why do redditors feel warmer on their cake day?

Because people keep toasting them! Or roasting them :(

As I began to panic, I became increasingly warmer and very thirsty.

With no access to water, I knew that I had no choice but to do what Bear Grylls would do in this situation and drink my own urine.

It tasted better than I thought it would and to be honest, it really did refresh me.

Although I did get some funny looks from the others who had been stuck...

Why are they callers"seat warmers" in your car?

Because “rear defroster” was already taken.

A pillow warmer is a stupid idea…

Use your head!

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

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The other day, while I was in the car with my girlfriend, I reached down and turned on her butt warmer.

She asked me, “What are you doing?”

I said, “Just heating up dinner.”

Why is the Kremlin so much warmer this winter?

It had new windows Putin

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I wish all the best to the troubled guy jerking off to his collection of electric fragrant wax warmers.

I truly hope he cums to his Scentsies.

When you see geese flying to warmer a climate ever wonder why one side of the V is longer?

It's because that side has more geese.

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A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.

When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.

“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentra...

Two jungle explorers got captured by cannibals...

Now they find themselves in a giant cauldron full of water over an open fire. The water is getting warmer and warmer and both of them realize they're done for. So they're sitting there not sure what to do when one of them lets out a chuckle. "how could you laugh at a time like this?" says the other ...

Russian man dies

Russian man die, but for him suffer not over. Man very wicked, and go to hell. There devil make punish: he burn in lake of fire. Is warm. Russian man finally happy.

So devil make lake hotter. But Russian man now is warmer. Now is happier.

Devil get very frustrate. So devil make fire l...

A new invention

An inventor walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "Let's celebrate!" the inventor tells the bartender. "My latest invention is finally in production and will be on the market soon ... just in time for this crazy cold snap that is coming next week." "What is it?" the bartender asks. "It'...

A man goes to an ice cream stall in siberia

The owner askes "Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?"

The man replies "The one in the freezer, i'm pretty sure it's warmer in there".

We haven't found a solution for climate change yet, but...

...we're definitely getting warmer.

A few people were in a pool....

And suddenly the water got warmer. One person looked up and asked "is somebody peeing in here or is it just me?"

Did you ever hear about McDonald's sending 10 million straws to Ethiopia..

Ethiopia wrote back and said thanks for the leg warmers

My earliest memory of my mother is playing hide and seek with her, I would be sat peering out of the oven window and she would say...

"Your getting warmer"...

An old farmer goes for his annual checkup at the doctor.

A old farmer goes for his annual checkup at the doctor.

His usual doctor retired so he seeing a new, younger one.

During the checkup, the doctor ask the farmer to remove his pants but realize that the farmer is not wearing any underwear.

- You don't have any underwear wear!
...

A poor woman visits a priest to ask for help...

... she says that her family is doing so bad financially that they can't afford to heat their house. The priest knows that the woman and her husband are farmers and asks her if they have a goat, the woman replies with yes.
"Well then let the goat sleep inside your house, this will keep you warm ...

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window.

As we played hide and seek and she said: ‘you’re getting warmer’.

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An old Georgian toast...

A little bird was flying to her nest through an ice storm. Her wings got wet and heavy eventually she could no longer flap them, exhausted she fell onto a frozen ground after a few tries to fly she gave up and was about to freeze from the cold when a passing cow dropped a cow pie right on top of her...

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A woman decided to join the Monastery of Silence.

A woman decided to join a Monastery of Silence. The priest welcomes her and says "you can only speak when I say you can."
Five years pass before the priest comes to her and says "Dear Lady, you've been with us for five years and you are now allowed to say two words." The woman says "Hard bed." Th...

A polar bear who lived in the North Pole for 30 years decided he had enough of the cold.

So he started his trek towards somewhere warmer.

He rode a fishing boat to Canada and tried his luck there, but it was still too cold.

So he tried his luck again in Florida, but it was too hot.

Finally, he went to Ecuador and tried his luck there, only to discover how warm it is...

I asked my husband to go upstairs to help our daughter with her Spelling homework

Her assignment was to create a word search with this week’s spelling words. 20 minutes later I hear him saying “colder”, “getting warmer”, “hotter”, etc. So I went upstairs to see what was going on. He had written each word on an index card and hid them around the room for her to find! That’s th...

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Morals from a Pile of Shit

Once upon a time, there was a stubborn sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings. He tried to fly quicker to warmer air, but his wings kept freezing unt...

A monk is allowed to say only two words every year

Per his oath of silence, a monk is only allowed to say two words every year. After his first year, he comes before the head abbot to speak his two words.

"Better Food."

The head abbot understands and obliges the monk, hiring a new chef and improving the food quality at the monastery....

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

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A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. 

"It's very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then preach in a monotone...

Clueless husband

A woman was laying in bed with her husband at night when she said:"honey i m cold" , he said: "wear warmer clothes", then she said "i m still very cold" he responds "cover yoursef with another blanket" ,the wife who seemed displeased said:"when i was cold my mother used to hug me tightly and cuddle ...

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A famous psychic does a show in town claiming to be able to tell anything about anyone after only looking at them.

Towards the end of a successful show he does his finishing bit.

"And now ladies and gentleman, by simply looking at your faces, I will be able to tell how often you had sex."

The psychic looks around and sees a sad man.

"You sir look like you only have sex once a month."

...

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So an old British gentlemen visits Ireland and remembers the good old days when he was posted there..

* He orders tea from a roadside cafe and sees a young irish guy sticking his finger in the cup while he brings him the tea.
* He takes the tea and while sipping it talks to the boy.. when will you bloody learn some manners , this is not how you hold a cup of tea.
* Young boy: Sorry sir, i hurt...

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A happy little bird

A little bird were flying to the South to scape the winter, however, he was too slow and cold wind reached him and froze his wings.

He tried to keep flying but his wings got so heavy with the ice that he fell on the grass.

A cow was on the field having her lunch when she saw the froz...

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A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

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A bird is shivering on the fence of a barnhouse on a cold evening...

...A dog passes by, on seeing the bird grabbed it carefully with its teeth and places it in a heap of freshly laid cow dung on the floor of the barn an plodded off. The bird who was already cold became quite pissed at the dog, it tried to move but the dung was too thick. It then felt the warmth of t...

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

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Penguin visits the desert.

A penguin living on the southernmost tip of South America decides he's been freezing his ass off for far too long. He decides to rent a car and take a road trip up the West coast to warmer destinations. Eventually he winds up in San Diego, where he sees a sign for Las Vegas and decides he'd like to ...

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three college students are trying to join a fraternity...

They are told they have to spend the night in a derelict house thought by students to be haunted. When the three students enter, it is cold, there are few soft places to sleep, and no working water or plumbing. The first student walks up the stairs and discovers the only bedroom in the house. He qui...

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[NSFW] On a midnight train to Georgia...

A man and a woman, total strangers, find themselves sharing the same double bunk-bed passenger cabin on the 10:15 PM Amtrack express to Atlanta due to a mix-up at the ticket office.

It's the middle of winter. There's frost on the window, and the shitty Amtrak maintenance means the heat is ou...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

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There is a moral to this story

So there was once this fly flying around above the great lakes with no real destination, There was also this salmon stuck forever doomed to a fresh water lake, but it was one of the great lakes so it could have been worse. The salmon had noticed the fly flying around above the lake and thought to i...

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The Monastery

An old monk is recounting his life to his nieces and nephews who lived in a small, rural town. The area around was hilly, and at the bottom of a nearby valley, there was a large, ornate monastery.

"Uncle, why did you become a monk?" the youngest asked

"One day, I was riding my bicycle ...

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