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Moist Jokes

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes int...

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I started carrying a moist towelette in my wallet instead of a condom.

I run into chicken wings more often that I do sex.

The moist finger

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, at first encountering resistance but then plunging in, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds, before I knew it, she was going down on me.

And I thought to myself..... "I really ...

What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth?

A toothbrush

What's pink, moist and smells fishy?

Salmon.

What is both delicious and moist?

.
.
.
.
.
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A lie!

The last time I made a chick moist....

was a water balloon fight in 4th grade.

What do you call a moist queef?

A quiche.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So we're telling our grandfathers jokes? Alright then.

My grandfather was a doctor, so he had some fun ones. This was one of his favorite:

A boy was born mostly healthy, but with a strange mutation that left him with no left eyelid. The doctors were a bit stunned at first, but called in a plastic surgeon to consult. They needed to figure out a wa...

Moist people won’t get this joke...

Reddit hates typos.

The word Moist is only great at describing two things, cake...

And your Mom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my girls the way I like my Whiskey.

Eighteen years old, moist and preferably in a basement.

Why are tornadoes always named after women?

Because when the tornadoes arrive they are warm and moist but when they leave, you only have half a house, no car, and your entire life lies in ruins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are sometimes moist, smells bad and requires going down to get in it?

Basements.

What do you call a wet baby owl?

A moist owlette.

What do you call a calf in the rain?

*A moist cowlette!*

Did you hear about KFC's Easter promo, a free baby bird with purchase?

A moist owlet with every meal!

I am the difference between...

Most women and moist women.

What do you call a lotion that makes your eyes wet

Moist-your-eyes

How do keep your eyes from being dry?

You moist your eyes.

To stop kids from doing drugs, they should give the drugs less cool names.

If Ecstasy was called moist curdle, I can assure you that nobody would be interested in trying it!

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were having a conversation.

Sherlock turned to Watson. "Observe the stars above us and the grass below us, what can you deduce? You know my methods."

Watson thought carefully. "From the position of the stars, i can deduce our approximate location, as well as the month. The grass is moist, so it has obviously rained rece...

Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all...

Well, her pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut crystal bowl sitting on top of ...

I saw a baby owl caught in the rain.

It was a moist owlet.

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are debating...

The cucumber says, "Life sucks. I've got it the worst. People grow me up to be big and strong, then they eat me".
.
.
The pickle says, "What? That's nothing. People grow me up to be big and strong, then they shove me in a small jar of salty water for a long time and then they eat me".
.<...

What do you think Trudeau will be remembered for.....

moistly?

What do you call a hand cream that makes you cry?

A moist-your-eyes-er

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What am I?

I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally ...

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NSFW: what do The PJ Masks ‘Gecko’ and ‘Cat Boy’ use to clean up after sex?

A moist Owlette.

I have an idea for a brand of eye-drops.

I’ll call it moist-your-eyes.

If you ever see an baby owl in a toilet don't flush...

Because you aren't supposed to flush moist owelettes.

What do you call a heifer in a pond?

A moist cow-lette

I don't like damp things

For the moist part

Did you know, the cave where Jesus was resurrected...

contained a large quantity of hydrating body lotion? He was moist-jew-rising.

Sherlock Holmes and his trusty associate Dr. John Watson are strolling leisurely through London's botanical gardens. (OC)

They are investigating the mysterious disappearance of a botanist who specialized in arboreal citrus.

Watson squints, focusing his gaze on something across the gardens. He gasps in surprise and grabs Sherlock's arm. He points at the thing that has captivated his attention and asks "Sherlock, ...

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Parts of a man's body are arguing....

The head says: "I work the hardest to keep the rest of you going"

The heart says: "I beat millions of times. . Without me, the brain and rest of the body would die.... so I work the hardest!"

The feet say: "I have to support all of your weight. ..so I'm the hardest worker."

...

Naughty Things You Can Say On Thankgiving

1. That's a huge breast!


2. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.

3. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in!

4. How long will it take after you stick it in?

5. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

6. I'm in the mood for some dark meat.
...

Doctor's advice.

*I was reminded of this joke yesterday (don't ask why!). If this is a repost, then I suck at reddit search.*

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter
brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the
customer decides to let it go.

"Would you l...

I’d like to buy some dog food

MAN: I’d like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He’s at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I’m sorry; I can’t sell this dog food to you unless Isee the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I’d like to buy some ...

A guy's looking through the job vacancy ads...

...times are tough and there's not much about.

He comes across a job at the local zoo..."help wanted"... He doesn't  have any experience but he decides to give it a shot.

He gets to the interview and the zoo keeper says..." look mate I'll level with you. I've promised the directors I...

A salesman gets lost (a little long)

A Salesman gets lost in the woods. Nearing dark he sees a farmers house, and decides to ask for a place to sleep. The farmer says, "Sure, but you're going to have to stay in the barn with some of the animals."
The salesman agrees, but before he could walk to the barn, the farmer tells him not to ...

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So a man and women are sharing drinks at the bar...(kinda gross)

...when they decide to go the nearby hotel and hook up. They get into the room, turn off the lights and begin to have sex. The man puts on a condom and goes to put it in. But when he tries to insert it, the condom tears. Thinking it is just an old condom, he takes it off and figures she looks clean ...

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One of my all-time faves...

A woman was involved in a near-fatal car accident that rendered her comatose. For weeks she laid in her hospital bed, showing no signs of improvement. Her faithful husband visited her several times a day, never giving up hope.
One morning, a nurse was performing a sponge bath on her patient whe...

Once upon a time a small boy named Hameed was living in a tiny primitive Moroccan Village & was a moron and all his classmates hated him for his stupid acts.

His teacher Aisha was always yelling at him.. "you are driving me crazy Hameed".. One day Hameed's mother went to check out how Hameed was doing at school and the teacher Aisha told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks and she had never seen such a dumb boy in her ...

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

The cowboy and his very smart horse (kinda long)

A cowboy is kidnapped by bandits. After taking him back to their hideout, they tell him that they're going to execute him at noon tomorrow. Now, these bandits seem to be pretty nice guys who just happen to be in a nasty line of work, and they ask the cowboy if he has any last requests before he dies...

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