My neighbour always seems to hang up his laundry on sunny days, but never on rainy days.

One day I decided to ask him how he always knew which days to hang his laundry.

"Well," he explained, "if I wake up and my wife is lying on her side, I know it's going to rain and I shouldn't hang my laundry. If I wake up and she's lying on her front, I know it's not going to rain and I shoul...

One sunny day in January 2021, an older man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a parch bench

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same old ...

One sunny day, Jesus, Moses and a small elderly man were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off. He hit the ball a little to the left, and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus his ball floated, and when he got down to the hazard, he walked upon the water and hit the ball into the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus, he too...

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Golf balls

*A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell ...

When the day is very sunny, And you’re out with your honey, And your nose is very runny, And you think it’s very funny,

Well, it’s snot.

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.

The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.

When the widow checked her email, she let out a shr...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

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What do Hitler and Sunny D have in common?

They both like their juice with extra chemicals.

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How to catch a fish

Another joke that i heard in Hindi many years ago. Trying to translate in English.

On a sunny day, a man was sitting by a river with his fishing hook in the water hoping to catch a fish. He was unsuccessful, so he goes the next day and the day after and continuously for several days with no ...

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Hosi pappa and sex

When Hosi pappa was 97, he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah: "Mr. Hosi, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age, I think that's remarkable."

Hosi pappa: "I just take good care of myself and enjoy whatever I do, plus as a Parsi we live ve...

A man woke up on a sunny day

He looked at his alarmclock, it said 7:07
When he walked downstairs he looked at his calander, it was the seventh day of the seventh month
As he arrived at the bus stop he took bus 7
On his walk from the second bus stop to his work he ordered a coffee and a donut from the nearby coffee shop...

OC Dad joke

Farmers say that when all the cows are standing up in the field, it’s going to be rainy weather.

When all of the cows are sitting down, it’s going to be sunny weather.

What is the weather going to be if half the cows are standing and half are sitting?

Partly Cowdy.

<...

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days ?

Dunno, they just seem a bit shady

U know why trees are suspicious when it’s a sunny day?

It’s bcuz they are a little shady

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The pope and his right hand bishop are on a flight with 25 sunny school children

They’re on their way back to the children’s hometown when one of the engine goes. Then another, and then the last two at the same time. The pilot jumps out of the cockpit and runs to the Pope.

“Your excellency, I’m really sorry, but this plane is going down and we only have two parachutes on...

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On a sunny morning Brezhnev goes out on the balcony of his apartment

He looks to the east, and says, “Hello, sun!” The sun replies, “Good morning, dear Leonid Ilyich, the beloved leader of our glorious socialist motherland, the hope of all progressive humanity, and the guardian of peace on Earth!” In the evening, Brezhnev admires the beautiful sunset and fishes for a...

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub,

drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second ...

I was driving with my daughter on a beautiful sunny day this winter and I said, "I can't believe how poor the visibility is."

She said, "What do you mean? It's perfectly clear." Pointing down I said, "I can only see four feet in front of us."

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On a sunny day at home last week my girlfriend asked if I could pull the blind. I said “of course...

Just put on a sexy voice and be extra nice to their dogs”

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina,

were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them a...

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Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning.

As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but n...

There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days.

Monday

The year is 1900 and it is sunny summer day in Germany

One person, named Hans has a day off. He decides to go to seer to find about something about his future.

He went to the seer. It was old lady that could see peoples' future in her magical globe. She closes herself with Hans in one dark room and starts the ritual.

All of a sudden she g...

When it's sunny, I think, beer garden! When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while. When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…

Google Weather reported today is a cloudy day. But it is a clear sunny day.

Something must have happened to Google clouds.

It was sunny out so i put sunglasses on a tree.

Suddenly it was very shady!

Dad, its sunny here

Son, it's daddy here

Every day Sunny Leone creates history

Every day Sunny Leone creates history...

Then

we have to

go to

Settings

and

delete that

History.

the weather app on my android tablet tells me it's sunny outside....

.... and it's the same on my Iphone, but if i look out of my window i can totally see it's raining.
Oh my god, I think i've just proven the superiority of windows over Android and Ios.

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LONG: A shepherd and a young guy

A shepherd was watching his sheep, enjoying a nice sunny afternoon when, in a cloud of dust, a 2021 BMW x6 stops on the nearby road, the window rolls down and a young guy asks "Hey, old man, if I can guess correctly the number of animals you're watching, can I have a sheep for free?". "Sure" says th...

Sunny day with my gf.

I ask honey if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

She is right, I kill the son of b* in one shot.

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

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A wise woman was once asked "What's the difference between hungry and horny?"

She replied "Depends on where I put my carrot".

Source: Sunny Leonne, the goddess.

Why didn't the astronaut go on holiday to the binary solar system?

It was two sunny.

Sunny side up!

Growing up I never knew what a sunrise was until one day it dawned on me.

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One sunny day in Auschwitz

One sunny day in Auschwitz Hitler was standing in front of a big pit.
Nervously, in line in front of him, few hundred jews were standing.
Hitler would call one by one, and give orders to them...

Feet together, spread your arms in 90° angle...

As soon as he complied Hitler p...

A perfect man and a perfect woman are going on a vacation on a perfect sunny day.

On the way, out in the open miles away from anywhere, they see Santa Clause with his thumb out on the side of the road, stranded.

Being the perfect couple they are, and the person in question being jolly ole’ saint nick himself, they offer him a ride and go on their jolly way until the driver...

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

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The Wizard and the Toad

Once upon a time, long, long ago, a wizard lived in an enchanted forest. He usually used his magical powers to help the animals that lived there.
One afternoon, a toad came hopping up to the wizard's cottage and knocked on the door. The wizard opened the door and saw that the toad was, remarkably...

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One sunny Saturday morning...

Joe and his buddy Ryan decide to go golfing. Joe was setting up his tee when a funeral procession drove by on the nearby road. Joe immediately took off his hat, and stood perfectly still until the procession had passed. Ryan said "Joe, that's one of the most respectful things I've ever seen." Jo...

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A young boy ran away to the docks and joined a pirate ship to begin his new life as a cabin boy.

He met the captain, which had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The captain, glad to have another crew member on board immediately put the new cabin boy to work, mostly doing dishes and cleaning and such.

The young boy worked for a month without a single complaint, but the capta...

Two melons: A Love Story

One day two melons were laying next to each other in the sunny field. The same thing is also going on in an alternate universe. Tom Melon looks over and sees the most beautiful melon he’s ever laid his melon eyes upon. “I have to get over there and say something to her” he thinks to himself. So he r...

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"<...

The two young artichokes were very much in love.

The couple were strolling down the boulevard one sunny afternoon. Up ahead, a delivery truck had a blowout and swerved across two lanes, finally jumping the curb and hitting the boy artichoke, knocking him flat.

It was awful. The ambulance came and the EMTs did their best to resuscitate him. ...

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

Three elderly ladies sitting on a park bench

Three very old ladies were sitting on a park bench together on a lovely sunny day when a flasher stopped at the end of their bench, faced them and exposed himself!

Well the old lady closest to him took a look and immediately had a stroke! Then the lady in the middle of the bench also looked t...

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The Victoria's Secret Incident

I'm a detective and my day started off like every other. I woke up, took a shower, brushed my teeth, and ate a slice of toast and a single sunny side up egg that my wife made. As soon as I made my way into the precinct the sheriff, Chett Bradley, walked up to me. "There's been an incident at a Victo...

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Birds

Mr & Mrs Smith move into semi detached house in country sided. Next door is a widow and her daughter.
One sunny day Mrs Smith invites the pair round for tea.
I am sorry my husband is not here but he is out with his hobby.
"What's that" asks widow , "he's into ornithology" said Mrs Smith...

The English we Speak....

**Helen:** Hello and welcome to The English We Speak from BBC Learning English, I'm Helen. With me today is quite a frustrated-looking Neil. Neil, what are you doing to that mobile phone?


**Neil:** Argh, I can't get it to make a phone call. It does everything else: it takes photos, it c...

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The Saloon NSFW

After a long night on the ranch this Ranch Hand decides to go to the saloon. When he gets there he realizes all his favorites are taking for the night so he ask the barkeep

"hey is there anyone free at the moment".

the barkeep replies

"all I got right now son is old granny". <...

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Two cops knock on a door.

A little lad opens it, he's about 10. Wearing his dad's dressing gown, a blond on either side of him. Glass of wine in one hand a a cigar in the other.
Cops look at each other and say to the little lad;" is your dad home sunny"?
Little lad replies:"does it fucking look like he is"?

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

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A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates........

St. Peter greets him. “Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which one to pick?” the politician replies. “We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide.” The politician agrees and is sent to the ...

Just got back from the tanning bed

Guess that’s not what my wife meant by get some Sunny D.

A security guard and a midnight shift

This is a joke my father told me long ago. I probably don't have it word for word, but this is basically how it goes.

So it's midnight and this security guard is making his usual rounds outside some warehouse when all of a sudden, he sees a shadowy figure exit the building. The guard approa...

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A young man, down on his luck, was hitch-hiking through New England. A well-dressed man driving a Lincoln pulled up, lowered the passenger side window, and asked, “Do you vote Republican or Democrat?”

“Democrat,” said the hitch-hiker. And the Lincoln sped off in a cloud of dust.

The ne...

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

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The Levels of Death

A man dies and arrives in Hell. He looks around. The sky is gloomy and rainy. He’s approached by an old man. The old man says, “Hello. Welcome to Hell. Let me show you around.” So the old man starts to show him around. He shows the man to a rundown shack and says, “This is where you’ll sleep.” He th...

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Bob and Doug are at the pub complaining about the harsh Canadian winter.

Bob finally says " Fuck it, let's get out here and fly somehere warm". So off they head to the airport looking for the first flight to anywhere that's sunny. As it happens there's a flight leaving straight away for Brisbane. Australia. They happily hop on looking forward to all that Aussie sunshin...

A colonial man is walking through town

A colonial man is walking through town on a very clear and sunny day. Just as he approached the town center he starts falling until he is suddenly stunned by ice cold water. When asked by the town reporter what had happed the man said simply that he couldn’t see that well

Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods ...

A man goes to a restaurant...

Where he seats himself at a table and browses the menu.

After settling on what he wants, he places the order with the waitress.

After his food arrives, he grabs his plate and leaves the restaurant, climbs into his car and drives to the airport.

There, he boards a plane to Nepal,...

Germany has varied climate

Winter is cold, Spring is sunny, Summer is hot,
And the Fall is full of soviets

skipping church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.

As soon as the Associate ...

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A man was eating a bright, red apple.

It was on a warm, sunny day that the most peculiar of things occurred. A man, was happily snacking on a bright, red apple when, too lazy to walk to a trash can, he threw it out the window. A seemingly non-problematic apple would have been ignored under any other circumstances, but the man lived on t...

A drummer was standing outside of his car panicking because he accidentally locked his keys inside it.

It was a very hot sunny day and the bassist was still inside the car.

The Ice Cream Truck

On a hot sunny day, the ice cream truck was driving slowly until the driver saw a woman chasing frantically down the sidewalk, screaming "Hey, Wait!"

He stops, parks and opens the window, with a smile.

"What'll it be lady?"

She tries to catch her breath, but she manages to tell ...

Why do blind people hate skydiving?

Because it scares the hell out of their dogs.




-credit Charlie on Always Sunny

An Elderly Couple Watching Television

Elderly couple... sitting down watching television
when the commercials come on, the husband smiles at his wife and says, I would love some ice cream right now.
His wife says, me too! What do you want, I’ll go get it.
Husband: I’d like to have 2 scoops of vanilla with chocolate and caram...

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The Jerk With the Megaphone

It was a sunny Saturday morning, a little before 8 a.m; I was on the first hole at The Oaks of St. George Golf Club and beginning my pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

“Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
...

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One of the only jokes I remember from childhood...

Superman was flying around Metropolis on a sunny day, and it was a boring one. No crime to fight.
So he keeps flying around the city, cruising around - and finally he sees Wonder Woman on top of a building, sunbathing in the nude.
Superman circles around the city a few times, getting hornier...

Cinderella was now 95 years old....

Cinderella was now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now-dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Ci...

The bunny jogging

A bunny is running through the forest and he meets a hedgehog, who's smoking a joint, so the bunny says:

"Hedgehog noo, don't do it, drugs are dangerous, come to run with me in the forest!"

The hedgehog convinced by the bunny runs with him.
They run and they meet a bluetit w...

Man playing golf

A man was playing golf on a bright sunny day, he could see the hole in front of him and he decides to take a swing.

Unfortunately he misses and the ball lands in a bush so he decides to run over to find it. Whilst looking for the ball he finds a golden lamp, he notices that it is quite dirty...

Bob is walking down the street when he says his old friend John passing in a brand new Rolls Royce

On seeing his old friend, John pulls over to say hello.

Bob sees the Rolls Royce and exclaims," Wow, how did you get the great car?"

John says," So I was going out for a walk on a sunny afternoon when a beautiful woman pulled over in this Rolls Royce and asked if I wanted a lift, so I ...

Did you hear what weather is going to be for Super Bowl LIII?

Sunny, clear sky with no Brees.

Paddy and Murphy go fishing

Paddy and Murphy decide one fine, sunny day to take their boat out and spend the afternoon fishing. For a time, all is well and the weather is calm.

All of a sudden, Paddy and Murphy sail in an absolute unit of a storm, and water begins to pour into the boat.

"Paddy, quick!" cries Murp...

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A walk on the beach

On my first (and so far only) visit to Hawaii, I was staying at a beautiful little cottage outside Hilo. There's a neat little place called Uncle's Awa Club, where they hold a farmer's market, live music, food of all kinds... Right in the lava zone, very remote.

I'd read about one of the boot...

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

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