UPJOKE
precipitationwethumidsnowstormhailweatherclimaterainrainfallrainstormdownpoursnowydampfoggy

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

My Neighbor always seems to hang up his laundry on sunny days, but never on rainy days. One day I decided to ask him how he always knew which days to hang his laundry.

"Well," he explained, "if I wake up and my wife is lying on her side, I know it's going to rain and I shouldn't hang my laundry. If I wake up and she's lying on her front, I know it's not going to rain and I should hang my laundry."

"That's a very interesting method," I replied, "but what if ...

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A Marathon Affair

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,

she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!

Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!' ...

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -

...

Why did I regret sharing my umbrella with a girl on a rainy day?

Because it takes the grand total of women i made wet to -1.

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On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

On a cold and rainy night a man cuts through a cemetery.

and falls into an freshly dug, empty grave. He struggles to get out but can't climb the wet,slippery walls. He begins shouting for help but has little hope as the rain is making a thunderous noise and it is late at night. A drunk, oblivious to the weather, is wending his way through the graveyard wh...

I read in a medical journal that sniffing Rosemary will improve your immunity during this rainy season...

But my colleague is not understanding when I do this and now she’s calling the security...

Kids these days...

It was a very rainy day and the new kindergarten teacher was helping her children wear their galoshes. It was a tiresome job involving much pushing and shoving.

Finally it was young Barry's turn. The teacher pushed and pushed and finally helped him into his galoshes.

"You know," said ...

A mathematician walks into a bar on a rainy April day...

The bartender asks him, "Hey, do you know what April showers bring?"

The mathematician says, "Pilgrims!"

It's rainy outside, gf is looking through the window totally depressed... I don't know what to do

Should I let her come in ?

What's the difference between a Sasquatch and a Yeti?

One lives in a rainy climate and the other, a little cooler.

What’s a spiders favorite thing to do on a rainy day?

They like to surf the web!

Why do Native Americans hate rainy weather in April?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers.

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A cocky young fellow walks into a quiet neighborhood pub on a rainy night...

and takes a seat next to an old man at the bar, who's by himself. "How's the field in here, grandpa?" he says, half joking.

"Sonnn, yerr waaastin' yerr time if ya think yyerrr goin' home with one'a these gooooody two-shoes!" the old man replies. He's getting drunk by the looks of it. ...

3 little kids, Leafy, Rainy and Bricky.

They were asking their mother about their names.

Leafy asked:

— Mama, why is my name Leafy?

The Mother answered:

— Cause when you were born a Leaf fell on your head

Then Rainy asked:

— Mama, why is my name Rainy?

— Because when your were born, the wat...

On a rainy day every one was enjoying the rain but only PETA wasn't

Because it was pouring cats & dogs

The Possessed Book

It was a dark, rainy night, far out in the country side, among hills when a family was traveling in their car. They were surprised to see a man selling books in the rain. He hailed the car and asked if they wanted to buy any books.

One of the boys in the family was interested in haunted myste...

It was a rainy day, she had just left him and was walking back home...

"Nobody will find him there"
She thought as she walked.

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An elderly cuple of farmers is having dinner.

The man says:
-I'm gonna go out and take a piss.
He comes back later with spots on his trousers, so the woman asks:
-Is the weather rainy?

-No, it's windy.

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On A Rainy Day A little Native American Asks his Dad...

Why is my brother named Soaring Eagle?
The Chief replies, "When your brother was born the first thing I did was take him outside, and saw a eagle soaring through the air."
The boy then asks, "Why is my sister named Sitting Bull?"
The boys father says, "When your sister was born I brought ...

Three ducks walk into a pub

One rainy afternoon three ducks walk into a pub, waddle over to the bar and each jump up to sit on a stool. Having never seen this before, the bartender shrugged his shoulders and walked over to the ducks to take their order.

He approached the first one and said "Hi, how is it going today?". ...

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Vale Road," answered the wo...

T'was a wet and rainy Christmas eve...

...when santa landed on our roof.

The slippery condition were quite treacherous,

as a reindeer missed its hoof.

Santa and his reindeers came sliding down.

I would've laffed if it was a clown.

One by one, they got tangled in the lights,

and came crashing down...

One rainy afternoon

One afternoon, as the rain slowly pours down on the roof, a young wife woke up from a relaxing nap, as she lays down and contemplates, she felts a sudden urge. The young wife moved towards her sleeping husband, leans against his body and gently whispered to his ear “It’s soaking wet, wake up and put...

Real happiness

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing the meaning of real happiness


The English said "real happiness is reading a good book on a rainy night with a hot cup of tea by your side"

The Frenchman said : "non mon ami, real happiness is to meet a beautiful girl make lov...

A quarter dies and goes to heaven

At his arrival at the gates of heaven, the Lord himself welcomes him while angels play the trumpets. The quarter doesn't believe his eyes as he is being given the most beautiful cloud of all whith riches and food and honey for eternity.

The next day the one hundred dollar bill dies. He also ...

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Best joke I’ve ever seen

It was a rainy night, 7th of October 2009 if I recall correctly, I was in camp with my friend roasting 2 marshmellow bags we bought, beautiful sight of the river, he told me this one thing that’s stuck with me:

“Did you know too much sex can cause bad eyesight, bad hearing, inability to recei...

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A Female Dwarf

Goes to the doctors and says "everytime it rains my Vagina hurts" The doctor has a good look at her lady garden and can't see anything that could cause it. He advises to come back on the next rainy day.

A few days later the dwarf is back at his office saying its raining and my vagina is hurti...

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A pedophile serial killer lures a child into a forest on a rainy night

The kid says, "I'm scared." The pedophile responds, "You're scared? I'm the one that has to walk out of here alone."

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A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Who do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new batt...

Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?

Because the kids have to play inside.

It's a cold, rainy winter's night.

A man has been working hard all day and has just climbed into bed beside his wife when he hears a knock at his front door.

He gets out of bed, gets dressed and goes downstairs to see who it is.

He opens the front door and a stranger is standing in the rain, soaked to the skin.

"...

OC Dad joke

Farmers say that when all the cows are standing up in the field, it’s going to be rainy weather.

When all of the cows are sitting down, it’s going to be sunny weather.

What is the weather going to be if half the cows are standing and half are sitting?

Partly Cowdy.

<...

Two elderly widows, Dolores and Mary, met at a restaurant after a heavy rain.

Both were smokers, but they arrived drenched from head to toe. Dolores noticed that Mary’s cigarette was still dry because it had a covering. Dolores said "Mary, what's that on your cigarette?" Mary responded "It's a condom. I buy them at the drugstore to keep my cigarettes dry on rainy days." D...

A man's diary entry during rainy days... [crosspost from r/funny]

Dear diary,

It's been raining for two weeks straight now. My wife is looking through the window with great longing and sadness in her eyes. If it keeps raining for another two or three days, I'm afraid I'm going to have to let her get into the house.

A man goes to the church and says to the pastor..

„I made a terrible mistake!“ „Tell me what you‘ve done, son, god will forgive you!“ says the pastor. So the man begins to tell: „My wife and me visited my mother in law. In the afternoon it was rainy outside and we couldn‘t drive home. So we decided to stay there. When the night came i slept with my...

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One day a businessman

had to catch up to the airport, very urgently. It was rainy. Take a taxi right away
Driver asked him just before he was getting into the taxi;
"-What way?"
Businessman said;
"-I will go to the airport .. I am in a hurry"
Driver;
"-No .. I don't go short distance"

They had a ...

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The Fisherman

An esteemed researcher in the field of physiology of human sexuality is giving a lecture at the public library on a rainy Tuesday night.

He is explaining the density of nerve endings and his research on the female orgasm.

“While the majority of women experience clitoral orgasm due the...

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

I'm so poor my only funds are daylight savings...

but at least it's trickling down for a rainy day.

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The Farmer's Daughter

On a cold rainy evening, a salesman's car ran out of gas. Not wanting to spend the night in the car, the man sought help. Within 5 minutes the salesman spotted a barn yard light and proceeded to it. He knocked on the house door and an older farmer greeted him there.

The salesman explained he ...

Sean Connery built a magnificent bookcase

It was the centerpiece of the library in his mansion and even the Queen herself praised it as one of the top bookcases in all of England. Everyone who ever visited his library has marvelled at the sheer greatness of this bookcase and many said that if acting didn't work out, that he would have had ...

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A man lives on the 15th floor of an apartment.

One rainy Saturday afternoon he walks out onto his balcony and sticks his hand out over the edge to see if it's raining or not, and a glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up, and there is a gorgeous woman standing on the balcony above him, who apologises and says she was just leaning out to check...

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The Levels of Death

A man dies and arrives in Hell. He looks around. The sky is gloomy and rainy. He’s approached by an old man. The old man says, “Hello. Welcome to Hell. Let me show you around.” So the old man starts to show him around. He shows the man to a rundown shack and says, “This is where you’ll sleep.” He th...

What’s wet and likes to shake?

An earthquake on a rainy day.

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In the early days of aircraft, China was copying some American designs.

They bought one of the earliest gliders from the States and carefully took it apart. Measured dimensions of the wings and body, weighed every single part and even did some careful studies to determine the exact materials.

They put some of their best engineers on it to ensure all the maths che...

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Little Johnny

One rainy day little Johnny was inside playing with his toys. He heard a loud crashing and he turned round to see what it was. It was a man with a big bushy beard, a baseball cap and a ripped suit on.
“Who are you?” Asked little Johnny
“I’m you” replied the man “you from the future”
“Oh my...

The girls in the tower

It was a rainy night when the man walked into the tower. He saw a single flight of stairs and a door, and when he went past it, it locked itself.

In front of him was the most repulsive being you could conceive. The very idea of disgusting. She winked at the man, and said "Stay with me, or yo...

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90 year enters the doctor's office on a wheelchair for checkup.

Doctor asks how he feels generally.

Old man: I feel great. In fact I am expecting a baby with my hot 20 year old new girlfriend.

The doctor who is obviously surprised asks: Really? Or you are just kidding me?

The old man pulls up his phone and shows the doctor a picture himself ...

A group of wives go on a bus trip

A group of wives go on a bus trip.

It was a rainy day. So, while driving over a bridge, the driver lost control over the bus and the bus fell into the river.

All women died in the accident.

The next day, their husbands came to the bridge to mourn for their dead wives.

Aft...

The Carpenter

There once was a man named Poly Van Echt. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. The king came to him during a particularly rainy season, a...

4 Weather Patterns Are In A Race

Sunny gets gold.

Cloudy gets silver.

Snowy gets bronze.

And Rainy gets a precipitation award.

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A biker goes to a Harley shop to purchase a new motorcycle...

...and the salesman catches him browsing the selection of bikes they offer. He focuses on a really nice Harley Davidson with some nice chrome parts. The salesman approaches him and says: "I see you have your eyes on one of our most beautiful machines." "Yeah, this one I wanna buy!". "Excellent choic...

Rock and Roll Joke

Kurt Cobain dies and when he opens his eyes, he's in a big practice hall. Looking around he sees Cliff Burton tuning up, Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon warming up on microphones and adjusting their guitar straps to fit, and Jerry Garcia messing with his pedal steel guitar.
Kurt ambles over to Jerry...

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The fat guy who saved my life.

I was rushing down the road, on a cloudy and rainy day, thunder and lightning bursting in the distance.

I turned the corner, past a cemetery, when suddenly i heard a yell, and my body was tackled to the ground.

I hit the floor with a thud, my eyes focusing on this extremely portly guy ...

My boss has some winners, but I always get a chuckle from this one. (Pretty Long)

A man and his dog walk into a bar, the man sits down, and his dog follows in suit. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The man orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it as soon as the glass hits the bar. "That'll be $3.50." the bartender says promptly. "What if I told you that my dog is able to t...

Puddles

A man walks into a bar one rainy day with 3 ducks. He places the ducks at the bar, then walks off. The bartender sees the 3 ducks sitting alone at the bar and decides to approach them. He goes up to the first duck, "hey steve, how you doing?" to which steve replies, "oh, i'm good, just been in and o...

My favorite bad Christmas joke

Dolf is the weatherman at KTVY, the local CBS affiliate in Kansas City. He's also a closet communist, and has a bit of an anger management problem. During their Christmas Eve broadcast Dolf forecasts a cold and rainy Christmas day, then turns it over to Erin, the anchor he's been dating for the past...

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