During rainy days, I and my lazy dog are competing who sleeps the deepest and the longest.

I am the underdog in this fight.

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A woman was having an affair.

One rainy day she was in bed with her BF when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

Woman: 'OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window'.

BF: It's raining out there!'

Woman: 'If my husband catches us, he'll kill us!.

BF jumps out of the window!...

Why do Native Americans hate rainy weather in April?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers.

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -

...

Why did I regret sharing my umbrella with a girl on a rainy day?

Because it takes the grand total of women i made wet to -1.

Two elderly widows, Dolores and Mary, met at a restaurant after a heavy rain.

Both were smokers, but they arrived drenched from head to toe. Dolores noticed that Mary’s cigarette was still dry because it had a covering. Dolores said "Mary, what's that on your cigarette?" Mary responded "It's a condom. I buy them at the drugstore to keep my cigarettes dry on rainy days." D...

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The Farmer's Daughter

On a cold rainy evening, a salesman's car ran out of gas. Not wanting to spend the night in the car, the man sought help. Within 5 minutes the salesman spotted a barn yard light and proceeded to it. He knocked on the house door and an older farmer greeted him there.

The salesman explained he ...

3 little kids, Leafy, Rainy and Bricky.

They were asking their mother about their names.

Leafy asked:

— Mama, why is my name Leafy?

The Mother answered:

— Cause when you were born a Leaf fell on your head

Then Rainy asked:

— Mama, why is my name Rainy?

— Because when your were born, the wat...

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A Rainy Day.

A woman invites her boyfriend to her house for dinner.
She tells him "Come over for dinner, but just know, there's a huge fight going on at home about who's going to do the dishes, and the dishes haven't been done for like, 20 days. And we've made a pact that the first person to speak in the hou...

Sean Connery built a magnificent bookcase

It was the centerpiece of the library in his mansion and even the Queen herself praised it as one of the top bookcases in all of England. Everyone who ever visited his library has marvelled at the sheer greatness of this bookcase and many said that if acting didn't work out, that he would have had ...

On a rainy night , a man says to his girl. "Here, take this umbrella and get home safely." The girl asks, "What about you 😢 ?" The man says

I'll take the taxi

It's rainy outside, gf is looking through the window totally depressed... I don't know what to do

Should I let her come in ?

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A guy walks into a bar on a rainy day with three ducks.

The guy goes to the bathroom and the three ducks sit on barstools. The bartender says “what’s your name?” to the first duck. The duck says “my name is Chuck and I like to fuck”. The bartender is surprised but continues the small talk “shitty weather we’re having”. The duck says “no way, I’m havi...

Why can't you tan on a rainy day?

Cos it's a sin

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A cocky young fellow walks into a quiet neighborhood pub on a rainy night...

and takes a seat next to an old man at the bar, who's by himself. "How's the field in here, grandpa?" he says, half joking.

"Sonnn, yerr waaastin' yerr time if ya think yyerrr goin' home with one'a these gooooody two-shoes!" the old man replies. He's getting drunk by the looks of it. ...

T'was a wet and rainy Christmas eve...

...when santa landed on our roof.

The slippery condition were quite treacherous,

as a reindeer missed its hoof.

Santa and his reindeers came sliding down.

I would've laffed if it was a clown.

One by one, they got tangled in the lights,

and came crashing down...

One rainy afternoon

One afternoon, as the rain slowly pours down on the roof, a young wife woke up from a relaxing nap, as she lays down and contemplates, she felts a sudden urge. The young wife moved towards her sleeping husband, leans against his body and gently whispered to his ear “It’s soaking wet, wake up and put...

What do you call two rainy days in a row in Seattle?

A weekend

It was a rainy day, she had just left him and was walking back home...

"Nobody will find him there"
She thought as she walked.

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Vale Road," answered the wo...

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On A Rainy Day A little Native American Asks his Dad...

Why is my brother named Soaring Eagle?
The Chief replies, "When your brother was born the first thing I did was take him outside, and saw a eagle soaring through the air."
The boy then asks, "Why is my sister named Sitting Bull?"
The boys father says, "When your sister was born I brought ...

very windy and rainy out today....

THANKS TRUMP

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A pedophile serial killer lures a child into a forest on a rainy night

The kid says, "I'm scared." The pedophile responds, "You're scared? I'm the one that has to walk out of here alone."

It's a cold, rainy winter's night.

A man has been working hard all day and has just climbed into bed beside his wife when he hears a knock at his front door.

He gets out of bed, gets dressed and goes downstairs to see who it is.

He opens the front door and a stranger is standing in the rain, soaked to the skin.

"...

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?

Because all the kids have to play in side.

What do books wear on a rainy day?

Rain Quotes

Every day, for the last two years, I've been putting something aside for a rainy day...

... But what am I going to do with 500 umbrellas and 200 pairs of wellies?

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The Levels of Death

A man dies and arrives in Hell. He looks around. The sky is gloomy and rainy. He’s approached by an old man. The old man says, “Hello. Welcome to Hell. Let me show you around.” So the old man starts to show him around. He shows the man to a rundown shack and says, “This is where you’ll sleep.” He th...

What’s wet and likes to shake?

An earthquake on a rainy day.

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

one rainy night a man and his wife were laying in bed...

...when suddenly they hear a knock on their door, they decide to just ignore it sense it's is so late at night. but after a while they hear yet another knock, this time the man decides to see what all the is commotion about. upon opening the door he discovers an old man soaked to the bone, and rathe...

A man's diary entry during rainy days... [crosspost from r/funny]

Dear diary,

It's been raining for two weeks straight now. My wife is looking through the window with great longing and sadness in her eyes. If it keeps raining for another two or three days, I'm afraid I'm going to have to let her get into the house.

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Little Johnny

One rainy day little Johnny was inside playing with his toys. He heard a loud crashing and he turned round to see what it was. It was a man with a big bushy beard, a baseball cap and a ripped suit on.
“Who are you?” Asked little Johnny
“I’m you” replied the man “you from the future”
“Oh my...

Punny monks

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Micha...

I still have some faith in humanity

and I owe it to the kind people who leave free unbrellas at public places on rainy days. Just when you need them the most.

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In the early days of aircraft, China was copying some American designs.

They bought one of the earliest gliders from the States and carefully took it apart. Measured dimensions of the wings and body, weighed every single part and even did some careful studies to determine the exact materials.

They put some of their best engineers on it to ensure all the maths che...

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A man lives on the 15th floor of an apartment.

One rainy Saturday afternoon he walks out onto his balcony and sticks his hand out over the edge to see if it's raining or not, and a glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up, and there is a gorgeous woman standing on the balcony above him, who apologises and says she was just leaning out to check...

4 Weather Patterns Are In A Race

Sunny gets gold.

Cloudy gets silver.

Snowy gets bronze.

And Rainy gets a precipitation award.

The girls in the tower

It was a rainy night when the man walked into the tower. He saw a single flight of stairs and a door, and when he went past it, it locked itself.

In front of him was the most repulsive being you could conceive. The very idea of disgusting. She winked at the man, and said "Stay with me, or yo...

A group of wives go on a bus trip

A group of wives go on a bus trip.

It was a rainy day. So, while driving over a bridge, the driver lost control over the bus and the bus fell into the river.

All women died in the accident.

The next day, their husbands came to the bridge to mourn for their dead wives.

Aft...

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90 year enters the doctor's office on a wheelchair for checkup.

Doctor asks how he feels generally.

Old man: I feel great. In fact I am expecting a baby with my hot 20 year old new girlfriend.

The doctor who is obviously surprised asks: Really? Or you are just kidding me?

The old man pulls up his phone and shows the doctor a picture himself ...

The Carpenter

There once was a man named Poly Van Echt. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. The king came to him during a particularly rainy season, a...

I heard that after Hurricane Irma, FEMA will run out of money.

This is surprising since I thought they would have a rainy day fund.

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A biker goes to a Harley shop to purchase a new motorcycle...

...and the salesman catches him browsing the selection of bikes they offer. He focuses on a really nice Harley Davidson with some nice chrome parts. The salesman approaches him and says: "I see you have your eyes on one of our most beautiful machines." "Yeah, this one I wanna buy!". "Excellent choic...

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The fat guy who saved my life.

I was rushing down the road, on a cloudy and rainy day, thunder and lightning bursting in the distance.

I turned the corner, past a cemetery, when suddenly i heard a yell, and my body was tackled to the ground.

I hit the floor with a thud, my eyes focusing on this extremely portly guy ...

Rock and Roll Joke

Kurt Cobain dies and when he opens his eyes, he's in a big practice hall. Looking around he sees Cliff Burton tuning up, Jimi Hendrix and John Lennon warming up on microphones and adjusting their guitar straps to fit, and Jerry Garcia messing with his pedal steel guitar.
Kurt ambles over to Jerry...

My boss has some winners, but I always get a chuckle from this one. (Pretty Long)

A man and his dog walk into a bar, the man sits down, and his dog follows in suit. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The man orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it as soon as the glass hits the bar. "That'll be $3.50." the bartender says promptly. "What if I told you that my dog is able to t...

Puddles

A man walks into a bar one rainy day with 3 ducks. He places the ducks at the bar, then walks off. The bartender sees the 3 ducks sitting alone at the bar and decides to approach them. He goes up to the first duck, "hey steve, how you doing?" to which steve replies, "oh, i'm good, just been in and o...

My favorite bad Christmas joke

Dolf is the weatherman at KTVY, the local CBS affiliate in Kansas City. He's also a closet communist, and has a bit of an anger management problem. During their Christmas Eve broadcast Dolf forecasts a cold and rainy Christmas day, then turns it over to Erin, the anchor he's been dating for the past...

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