UPJOKE
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Chill Jokes

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

What's the medical term for a chill pill?

A relaxative

20 minutes into Disney+ and chill...

and I've already got a friend in me.

The inventor of the wind chill factor died this week.

He was 86 but felt more like he was 64.

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.

He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" he asks Yoda.

"A cloning m...

My wife told me to chill with the dinosaur jokes.

I told her Jurassicing a lot of me.

Yes it is terrible, yes I am a dad and yes ill stop scrolling and go to bed now. Salam my friends.

Hindus are so chilled out.

They never have beef with anyone.

I felt a chill go down as my wife noticed me eyeing a nice looking ginger

"I know what you're thinking and if that's what you want then go right ahead have it your way" she said

So I made us some herbal tea and that was the best freaking thing that I have had on a cold cold day

Stay warm guys

When do cherries chill out?

On a Sunday.

A bunch of different birds are chilling in a large group when

Another type of bird comes out of nowhere. "sorry lads I've just arrived from europe!" says the bird,

"Ukraine?" askes another. "Nah mate I'm a pelican"

One day Nelson Mandela was chilling in his house...

When there was a knock on the door.

He opened the door to find a short Chinese man with a large truck full of car exhausts. The Chinese man jumped in front of Nelson Mandela holding up a clipboard and said,"you sign..you sign!!"

"Look, I don't know you and don't want any of your stuff...

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Why are virgins so chill?

Zero fucks given.

My best friend is a very chill guy

He's 0K

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Two whales are chilling in the ocean when a boat floats above them...

Whale 1: Hey, you know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and tipped it over with our blow holes.

Whale 2: Haha yeah, let's do it!

*The two whales proceed to go under the boat, blow their blow holes and tip it over*

Whale 1: Hahaha that was great! You know what woul...

Two polar bear bros are chilling out on Greenland

They are getting a bit bored. But then suddenly one of them have an idea:

Polar bear 1 flicks the ear of Polar bear 2 and runs away while yelling: "you're too slow, you can't catch me!"

Polar bear 2 gets annoyed and starts running after Polar bear 1.

Polar bear 1 keeps running a...

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Sex Ed in 2015

Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'

What do You call a place where gangsters chill?

What do You call a place where gangsters chill?

G-Spot

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Two tomato's are chilling in the fridge

The first one says "Dang, its kind of cold in here"

The second one backs away, and says "Holy shit its a talking tomato"

Never literally taking cooking instructions…

It said “chill in the fridge for an hour”

I nearly died

Einstein, Newton & Pascal are chilling one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests:
“Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!”

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting.

“One… Two… Three…”

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter sq...

What do you call ice that is chilled to -273.15°C?

Still water.

My ten year old daughter told this one...

A girl and a boy are locked out of their house. They can't find any way in, so the girl leans forward and starts talking to the door lock... "Hey door lock you're looking nice today, why don't you go ahead and let us in."

The door magically unlocks itself. The boy is shocked, "how did you d...

Why are eggs so chill?

Can't blame them, they get laid all the time!

When matter gets chilled it's often slows down to a stop

Does this imply the existence of a super chilled out version of my dad that doesn't beat me?

Two nuts chilling on a tree, one slipped and started to fall...

... The other one said “don’t worry bro, imma Cashew”

A Nintendo fan gets invited at their crush's house to "chill"

The two spend a very relaxing evening, but after some time together the Nintendo fan starts packing up to leave.

The crush says: "Hold on why are you leaving? We were having such a good time!"

The Nintendo fan replies: "No smash"

My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero...

At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.

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As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

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A Rabbit and a Bear Are Chilling in the Woods Together

Suddenly a genie appears before them and says "I am a magic genie, and I will grant each of you 3 wishes. But choose carefully, because once I grant a wish it cannot be undone"

Rabbit and Bear ponder this for a moment before Bear speaks up to make his first wish.

Bear, being very lustf...

Good bye Netflix and Chill

It’s now Disney Plus You and Me

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

Where does the letter O go to chill?

The ozone

Three bats chilling in a cave upside down

On of them goes out for a hunt, turns back with his mouth full of blood. Both are impressed, "damn dude what did you catch?" "You see that pile of flesh? Well that was a big fat cat, juicy blood!".

The second one goes out, turns back within an hour, whole face covered in blood. "Wooah man, te...

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me




all credit goes to u/APater6076

What do the Irish have instead of Netflix & Chill?

Meet & Potatoes

Ten minutes into "conspiracy theories and chill..."

...we start gettin *illuminaughty.*

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

The stone has been rolled away for 38 days and Christ continues to chill with his buds.

God calls from the heavens, “it is time.”

But Jesus and his friends can’t hear over all the partying etc

On day 39, same thing. “Son, come sit by my right hand in heaven.

Still nothing.

On the 40th day, God hears that the music is especially loud and knows he’ll likely b...

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A group of eels are chilling in the river...

When a full tuxedo comes drifting downstream.

Danny, the leader of the bunch, turns to his three pals.

"Holy shit guys, now's our chance!"

"Yeah!" says Tommy, "Let's get drunk!"

So Tommy threads himself through the pants of the tux in a U shape, forming a nice looking pai...

My last girlfriend was pretty chill,

she didn't even scream that much when I closed the trunk.

At first the French were chill about the revolutionists

…but they lost their heads when they started the executions

When it comes to Netflix and Chill,

They call me Skip Intro.

Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

He's 0K right now.

Three vampires were chilling on a hill

The first vampire Steve says "I'm gonna be back in a minute" and transforms into a bat to fly off. After a while, he comes back with a little drop of blood on his lips. Their friends ask him what happened.

\+Do you see the yellow building over there?

\-Yes.

\+OK, do you see the ...

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I don't think I'll ever understand college kids and their "Netflix and chill" slang...

...when are they gonna realize they can fuck each other without paying $10 a month?

What did Dr Dre say to his wife during Netflix and chill?

Hope you're ready for the next episode

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

Netflix’s new subscription fees are so high I’ve had to stop paying the heating bill,

Brings a whole new meaning to Netflix and chill…

Toad seems so chill when he hangs out with Mario.

He’s such a fungi

I tried "Netflix and chill?" on my wife.

We're now on season 3 of Gilmore Girls.

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American tourists visit Russia

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.

Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

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Pavlov is chilling in a pub having a beer. Then his phone rings.

Suddenly he jumps up and says "Shit! I forgot to feed the dog!".

She told me she wanted to Netflix and chill.

But when I got there she had Redbox.

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A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. “You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”

“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”
The boy is silent and then asks her, “Do you know who I am?”
She shakes her head no. “Good,” says the boy as he walks away.

Everyone needs to chill the hell out about Roe V. Wade.

Honestly, they're both valid ways to get across water.

A couple nuclei are chilling in a bar.

One says "let's blow this joint," so they split.

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Batman and Robin go out for a few drinks

Both superheroes are exhausted after a long week of non-stop crime fighting, and decide to chill for a few a hours at the local watering hole.

Robin knows his friend has been working way too hard and for long hours. So he thinks, what the heck, he can get drunk and relax. He decides to remain...

Why do I think Sir Isaac Newton was such a chill guy?

I don't know, he just seemed pretty down-to-Earth to me.

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

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A guy was chilling at his beach house...

...when there's a knock at the door.

He answers it, but no one is there. He notices a small snail on the doormat, picks it up, tosses it in the direction of the beach, and goes back inside.

Four years later, he's chilling at home and there's a knock at the door. He answers it, but no...

What did the chill pigeon say?

coo. coo.

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

You say a mesquito bit you and now you have the chills, a high fever and are sweating profusely? That's not funny.

That's malarious!

At what point during a Netflix and Chill should you start touching her?

Immediately after the Weinstein Company logo flashes across the screen

The wife and I did the opposite of "netflix and chill" last night...

CNN and panic!

A stork gets home after a bad day at work and is chilling with his wife.

How was work dear? she asked.
I had a really big baby today and I dropped him because he was to heavy.
Oh you silly goose,she says...the heavy babies are always delivered by crane.

What do you call four rock-hard dudes chilling next to each other?

Mount Rushmore

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An American, a Japanese and a Russian scientist are chilling in the park

Suddenly, the American just starts talking about a seemingly random topic that had nothing to do with their conversation. After a few minutes, he turns towards the Japanese and the Russian and says:

'Oh sorry guys, this is the newest technology in the US. It was my wife calling me. See, I hav...

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A plane was going down

You have the pope, a priest, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The priest responds "Do you think we have time?" "E...

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.


Happy new year!

I was at McDonalds earlier today, just chilling when a really hot, girl walked up to me.

She grabbed me and took me to her car. She ripped my clothes off and starts sucking me as if she's dying of thirst. She sucked long and slobbery and I let out a huge load. She looked up with the face of satisfaction.

Then I realised I'm a straw.

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One night in Baghdad, an American, an Englishman and an Iraqi were sitting, chilling with cold beer in a night bar.

The American took his glass, drank the beer, threw the glass into the air, pulled his pistol, shot the glass, commenting that they have such cheap glasses in America that they do not have to drink from the same one twice.

The Englishman, impressed, grabs his glass and does the same thing as ...

My dad went crazy when the freezer broke

He ain't got no chill

They told me to go cold turkey...

So now I'm chilling in Istanbul.

The paramedic wanted to know about my symptoms.

I told his I've got chills.

He asked if they were multiplying.

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The guy that messed with a drug lord

(sorry if anything sounds weird, original is from Brazil)

This guy is chilling at home, when a big party starts at the neighboring mansion. It is a sweet sixteen party, with lots of guests and very loud music. At 1AM the guy is fed up and calls the cops to end with the nuisance. What he didn'...

My friend asked me how long I'v been married.

I told him 15 years, but with the wind chill it feels like 30

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Judgement Day

So, there's this guy, not exactly a saint, and on judgment day, he finds himself in the fiery realms. Satan, with a wicked grin, goes, "Welcome to eternal suffering! Time to choose your poison. Pick a door, any door."

Sweating bullets, our guy opens the first door and, BAM, it's a grues...

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