The 89+ Best Chill Jokes

The inventor of the wind chill factor died this week.

He was 86 but felt more like he was 64.

I felt a chill go down as my wife noticed me eyeing a nice looking ginger

"I know what you're thinking and if that's what you want then go right ahead have it your way" she said

So I made us some herbal tea and that was the best freaking thing that I have had on a cold cold day

Stay warm guys

20 minutes into Disney+ and chill...

and I've already got a friend in me.

What's the medical term for a chill pill?

A relaxative

Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

Two polar bear bros are chilling out on Greenland

They are getting a bit bored. But then suddenly one of them have an idea:

Polar bear 1 flicks the ear of Polar bear 2 and runs away while yelling: "you're too slow, you can't catch me!"

Polar bear 2 gets annoyed and starts running after Polar bear 1.

Polar bear 1 keeps running a...

Triplets

I was in a band in college and we sucked, but it was a fun hang so we just liked chilling and playing pop music without worrying about being technically proficient as we were all beginners to our instruments.

Of the three of us, I was the most experienced, as I’d been playing bass for...

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Never literally taking cooking instructions…

It said “chill in the fridge for an hour”

I nearly died

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

The paramedic wanted to know about my symptoms.

I told his I've got chills.

He asked if they were multiplying.

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Why are virgins so chill?

Zero fucks given.

They told me to go cold turkey...

So now I'm chilling in Istanbul.

What do you call ice that is chilled to -273.15°C?

Still water.

A bunch of different birds are chilling in a large group when

Another type of bird comes out of nowhere. "sorry lads I've just arrived from europe!" says the bird,

"Ukraine?" askes another. "Nah mate I'm a pelican"

What do You call a place where gangsters chill?

What do You call a place where gangsters chill?

G-Spot

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A Rabbit and a Bear Are Chilling in the Woods Together

Suddenly a genie appears before them and says "I am a magic genie, and I will grant each of you 3 wishes. But choose carefully, because once I grant a wish it cannot be undone"

Rabbit and Bear ponder this for a moment before Bear speaks up to make his first wish.

Bear, being very lustf...

When do cherries chill out?

On a Sunday.

My wife told me to chill with the dinosaur jokes.

I told her Jurassicing a lot of me.

Yes it is terrible, yes I am a dad and yes ill stop scrolling and go to bed now. Salam my friends.

One day Nelson Mandela was chilling in his house...

When there was a knock on the door.

He opened the door to find a short Chinese man with a large truck full of car exhausts. The Chinese man jumped in front of Nelson Mandela holding up a clipboard and said,"you sign..you sign!!"

"Look, I don't know you and don't want any of your stuff...

What are you doing with that penguin?

So this cop is waiting behind a billboard in the desert. He's just chilling in his car waiting for speeders to ticket when, all of a sudden, a man drives by at under the speed limit. The cop is about to let him pass, but then he sees the man has, of all things, a penguin in his shotgun seat!
The ...

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The Gorillator

So a guy wakes up one weekend morning, brew himself a coffee and goes outside to grab his newspaper. Only problem, there is a gorilla chilling in his front yard tree...

The man, troubled, tries to call the animal control agents but they just tell him they cannot do anything about the gorilla ...

I don’t get how deep-sea fish always look so chill

They are always under so much pressure..

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Three men were riding together on a motorcycle...

It was a very chill weather. The man in the middle asked the last one, "It's freezing like hell, what should I do?" The person at the back whispered, "Put your penis inside the rider's asshole, that will warm you up." The middle guy inquired, "Won't he find out if I do that?" To which he replied, "Y...

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

While they were still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke one evening to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted that they both try to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp. they came upon a chilling sight: ...

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A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. “You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”

“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”
The boy is silent and then asks her, “Do you know who I am?”
She shakes her head no. “Good,” says the boy as he walks away.

Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.

He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" he asks Yoda.

"A cloning m...

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

When matter gets chilled it's often slows down to a stop

Does this imply the existence of a super chilled out version of my dad that doesn't beat me?

Two nuts chilling on a tree, one slipped and started to fall...

... The other one said “don’t worry bro, imma Cashew”

I see your Netflix and chill and I raise you...

Disney+ and thrust

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

Einstein, Newton & Pascal are chilling one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests:
“Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!”

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting.

“One… Two… Three…”

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter sq...

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Two tomato's are chilling in the fridge

The first one says "Dang, its kind of cold in here"

The second one backs away, and says "Holy shit its a talking tomato"

Hindus are so chilled out.

They never have beef with anyone.

My best friend is a very chill guy

He's 0K

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

The stone has been rolled away for 38 days and Christ continues to chill with his buds.

God calls from the heavens, “it is time.”

But Jesus and his friends can’t hear over all the partying etc

On day 39, same thing. “Son, come sit by my right hand in heaven.

Still nothing.

On the 40th day, God hears that the music is especially loud and knows he’ll likely b...

A Nintendo fan gets invited at their crush's house to "chill"

The two spend a very relaxing evening, but after some time together the Nintendo fan starts packing up to leave.

The crush says: "Hold on why are you leaving? We were having such a good time!"

The Nintendo fan replies: "No smash"

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me

all credit goes to u/APater6076

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

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The Golfer

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifyin...

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Two whales are chilling in the ocean when a boat floats above them...

Whale 1: Hey, you know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and tipped it over with our blow holes.

Whale 2: Haha yeah, let's do it!

*The two whales proceed to go under the boat, blow their blow holes and tip it over*

Whale 1: Hahaha that was great! You know what woul...

Jesus, the Christ, decides to to give humanity a second chance...

Arriving on Earth, he does a tour.

He travels the Middle East and everything goes well. He then goes through Australia and he's welcomed with open arms. Afterwards, he goes to Europe, and all the Europeans love him. Then he goes to America...

whilst in one of the Southern States, one...

What do the Irish have instead of Netflix & Chill?

Meet & Potatoes

Where does the letter O go to chill?

The ozone

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I don't think I'll ever understand college kids and their "Netflix and chill" slang...

...when are they gonna realize they can fuck each other without paying $10 a month?

My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero...

At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.

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An Army major is assigned to a troubled base

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the majo...

Three bats chilling in a cave upside down

On of them goes out for a hunt, turns back with his mouth full of blood. Both are impressed, "damn dude what did you catch?" "You see that pile of flesh? Well that was a big fat cat, juicy blood!".

The second one goes out, turns back within an hour, whole face covered in blood. "Wooah man, te...

Did you hear about the diver who died after Netflix and chill with a whale?

In his defense, it ain’t called a blowhole for nothing

Netflix’s new subscription fees are so high I’ve had to stop paying the heating bill,

Brings a whole new meaning to Netflix and chill…

Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

He's 0K right now.

What did Dr Dre say to his wife during Netflix and chill?

Hope you're ready for the next episode

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The Japanese version of Netflix and Chill

is Hentai with Senpai

You say a mesquito bit you and now you have the chills, a high fever and are sweating profusely? That's not funny.

That's malarious!

Ten minutes into "conspiracy theories and chill..."

...we start gettin *illuminaughty.*

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Pavlov is chilling in a pub having a beer. Then his phone rings.

Suddenly he jumps up and says "Shit! I forgot to feed the dog!".

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A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

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A group of eels are chilling in the river...

When a full tuxedo comes drifting downstream.

Danny, the leader of the bunch, turns to his three pals.

"Holy shit guys, now's our chance!"

"Yeah!" says Tommy, "Let's get drunk!"

So Tommy threads himself through the pants of the tux in a U shape, forming a nice looking pai...

At first the French were chill about the revolutionists

…but they lost their heads when they started the executions

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A flea is getting some sun on Miami beach...

...when another flea comes along. The second flea is freezing cold, shivering. He explains, "I'm from Vermont. I caught a ride in the mustache of a guy, who came down by motorcycle. I froze my tiny flea balls off the whole way. Even in this sun I am chilled to the bone."

The first flea replie...

Everyone needs to chill the hell out about Roe V. Wade.

Honestly, they're both valid ways to get across water.

Why do I think Sir Isaac Newton was such a chill guy?

I don't know, he just seemed pretty down-to-Earth to me.

Toad seems so chill when he hangs out with Mario.

He’s such a fungi

I tried "Netflix and chill?" on my wife.

We're now on season 3 of Gilmore Girls.

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An RAF KC-2 Extender refuelling aircraft and two Eurofighter Typhoons were returning to their base in Cypress...

After flying a 4 hour patrol of the Ukrainian border.

The Typhoon leader called the Tanker pilot and asked “Don’t you guys get bored just punching circles in the sky for hours? Watch this...”

And he proceeded to do a barrel roll around the tanker.

“Impressive!” Said the KC-2 Ca...

What is the cow equivalent of Netflix and Chill?

Lactose ‘n tolerance

My last girlfriend was pretty chill,

she didn't even scream that much when I closed the trunk.

When it comes to Netflix and Chill,

They call me Skip Intro.

I was at McDonalds earlier today, just chilling when a really hot, girl walked up to me.

She grabbed me and took me to her car. She ripped my clothes off and starts sucking me as if she's dying of thirst. She sucked long and slobbery and I let out a huge load. She looked up with the face of satisfaction.

Then I realised I'm a straw.

A stork gets home after a bad day at work and is chilling with his wife.

How was work dear? she asked.
I had a really big baby today and I dropped him because he was to heavy.
Oh you silly goose,she says...the heavy babies are always delivered by crane.

A couple of guys are chilling when suddenly one of them looks at the clock and freaks out, "I gotta go back and do the dishes or my wife will beat me". The group reply with "damn, Mike, you let your wife beat you?". Mike replied:

"of course not! I always do the dishes!"

Three vampires were chilling on a hill

The first vampire Steve says "I'm gonna be back in a minute" and transforms into a bat to fly off. After a while, he comes back with a little drop of blood on his lips. Their friends ask him what happened.

\+Do you see the yellow building over there?

\-Yes.

\+OK, do you see the ...

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One night in Baghdad, an American, an Englishman and an Iraqi were sitting, chilling with cold beer in a night bar.

The American took his glass, drank the beer, threw the glass into the air, pulled his pistol, shot the glass, commenting that they have such cheap glasses in America that they do not have to drink from the same one twice.

The Englishman, impressed, grabs his glass and does the same thing as ...

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A group of guys walk into a new bar for the first time. The barkeep asks what they will be having tonight. [L]

The first guy orders a whiskey coke. The bartender without hesitation hands the man a chilled apple. The man confused by this asks why he is getting the apple. The bartender insists that he takes a bite out of it.

The man chomps into it and exclaims, “Wow! This tastes just like my favorite wh...

At what point during a Netflix and Chill should you start touching her?

Immediately after the Weinstein Company logo flashes across the screen

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

A man went to see his doctor . . .

"Doctor," he said, "my head's stuffed up, I'm sneezing, I'm coughing, I've got the chills. I think I have a cold. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "First, you should soak in a tub of ice water for about a half hour. Then, you should stand in front of a fan that is going full blast. The...

A shaolin disciple comes to his master for guidance.

A shaolin disciple of several years seeks out his master as he is in deep meditation, seeking enlightenment:

"Master, forgive my intrusion. But I require your aid. I have not managed to progress at my techniques for months now!"

After a moment of silence, the wise master calmly speaks...

The wife and I did the opposite of "netflix and chill" last night...

CNN and panic!

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

A couple nuclei are chilling in a bar.

One says "let's blow this joint," so they split.

Ive seen this place, filled with hills and green grass, people party and eat and just chill out. They live for hundreds of years in peace. Virtually no crime. sunshine most days, nice families, quaint neighbourhood...

anyone else notice there are no black hobbits in the shire?

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An American, a Japanese and a Russian scientist are chilling in the park

Suddenly, the American just starts talking about a seemingly random topic that had nothing to do with their conversation. After a few minutes, he turns towards the Japanese and the Russian and says:

'Oh sorry guys, this is the newest technology in the US. It was my wife calling me. See, I hav...

How do beekeepers keep their bees so chill?

They smoke them out.

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As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

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A guy was chilling at his beach house...

...when there's a knock at the door.

He answers it, but no one is there. He notices a small snail on the doormat, picks it up, tosses it in the direction of the beach, and goes back inside.

Four years later, he's chilling at home and there's a knock at the door. He answers it, but no...

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