The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

20 minutes into Disney+ and chill...

and I've already got a friend in me.

Why are mechanical watches so chilled out?

Because they’re always unwinding.

Of all the people I know, my Hindu friends are the most chilled out.

They never have beef with anyone.

Hindus are so chill

i’ve never had beef with any of them

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me




all credit goes to u/APater6076

What's the medical term for a chill pill?

A relaxative

what do you call a chilled out octopus?

a calmares.

I see your Netflix and chill and I raise you...

Disney+ and thrust

20 minutes into Disney+ and chill with my boyfriend

Now I'm telling him to put that thing back where it came from or so help me

Went to an antivaxxers wedding last week. Beautiful ceremony and chilled people

The "till death us do part" vow seemed unnecessary to me though.

At first the French were chill about the revolutionists

…but they lost their heads when they started the executions

My wife told me to chill with the dinosaur jokes.

I told her Jurassicing a lot of me.

Yes it is terrible, yes I am a dad and yes ill stop scrolling and go to bed now. Salam my friends.

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Sex Ed in 2015

Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'

a blind man walks into a bar with his guide dog...

suddenly, he starts swinging his dog like a helicopter in the air...
the bartender: what the bloody hell are you doing?...
the blind man: chill, bro, im just looking aroung

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A lion takes a drink in the Serengeti

So there’s this lion in the Serengeti and he goes to drink water from a puddle. It’s the dry season and he’s happy, so he’s there drinking the water with his tail in the air. All the sudden this gorilla comes out of nowhere from behind and gives him the old Liberachi. Then the gorilla takes off, and...

Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.

He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" he asks Yoda.

"A cloning m...

Today my wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it in the house

So we went out, had a few drinks, he's a pretty chill guy and he's a web designer

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NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a ...

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Bob and bill are looking over the star destroyer blueprints

"Hey bob, do we need any turrets on the bottom half of this Star Destroyer?"

"What d'you mean Bill?"

"The bottom half. It looks like we have about a dozen of these massive building-sized rotating double-barreled turrets on the top half, but pretty much nothing on the bottom half."
<...

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business. All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry. He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.

"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don't want to di...

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

I was a very chilled back person in high school.

I would wear headphones around my neck and a fedora because I thought it made me look cool

Turns out it didn't and my friend told me that he only ate lunch with me because he feared that I would become one of those school shooter kids and he wanted to live.

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Pavlov is chilling in a pub having a beer. Then his phone rings.

Suddenly he jumps up and says "Shit! I forgot to feed the dog!".

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

A stork gets home after a bad day at work and is chilling with his wife.

How was work dear? she asked.
I had a really big baby today and I dropped him because he was to heavy.
Oh you silly goose,she says...the heavy babies are always delivered by crane.

Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill

Let's Imax and climax

I read a horror story about a thermometer once...

It was chilling

Bae’s Theorem is P (chill | Netflix) = P(Netflix | chill) * P(chill) / P(Netflix)

Note: {People who get this} ∩ {People who actually Netflix and chill} = ∅

Why are eggs so chill?

Can't blame them, they get laid all the time!

Three vampires were chilling on a hill

The first vampire Steve says "I'm gonna be back in a minute" and transforms into a bat to fly off. After a while, he comes back with a little drop of blood on his lips. Their friends ask him what happened.

\+Do you see the yellow building over there?

\-Yes.

\+OK, do you see the ...

My best friend is a very chill guy

He's 0K

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One night in Baghdad, an American, an Englishman and an Iraqi were sitting, chilling with cold beer in a night bar.

The American took his glass, drank the beer, threw the glass into the air, pulled his pistol, shot the glass, commenting that they have such cheap glasses in America that they do not have to drink from the same one twice.

The Englishman, impressed, grabs his glass and does the same thing as ...

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I don't think I'll ever understand college kids and their "Netflix and chill" slang...

...when are they gonna realize they can fuck each other without paying $10 a month?

They say the Spinosaurus' sail acts like a radiator which dissipates all the heat away

Truly spine chilling

A couple of guys are chilling when suddenly one of them looks at the clock and freaks out, "I gotta go back and do the dishes or my wife will beat me". The group reply with "damn, Mike, you let your wife beat you?". Mike replied:

"of course not! I always do the dishes!"

Toad seems so chill when he hangs out with Mario.

He’s such a fungi

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The Japanese version of Netflix and Chill

is Hentai with Senpai

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

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Two whales are chilling in the ocean when a boat floats above them...

Whale 1: Hey, you know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and tipped it over with our blow holes.

Whale 2: Haha yeah, let's do it!

*The two whales proceed to go under the boat, blow their blow holes and tip it over*

Whale 1: Hahaha that was great! You know what woul...

Why do I think Sir Isaac Newton was such a chill guy?

I don't know, he just seemed pretty down-to-Earth to me.

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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

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A woman and man share a bunk bed on a train.

There’s a train that goes every night from New York to Chicago. It’s an overnight train,where you get your own room to sleep in.It leaves New York at 1 in the morning and gets to Chicago at 10 in the morning. A man checks into his room, and suddenly the door opens and a woman checks in. Normally, th...

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Romance and music

I got into the house tonight and there was a lovely smell of a joint roasting.

Candles were lit, there was some chill out music playing and a bottle of wine was on the coffee table with two glasses.

I smiled and went into the kitchen, where she had her back to me.

I watched her ...

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Teresa May dies...

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. ...

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I met my girlfriend in high school,

We were immediately best friends and spent days together having the most fun I had ever had. Then one day I asked her the question.

She said yes!

We were so happy together and we stayed together through high school. We both finished college together, we both got jobs together and event...

A couple nuclei are chilling in a bar.

One says "let's blow this joint," so they split.

Did you hear about the guy who got chilled to absolute zero?

Hes 0K now.

Why are people in wheelchairs so chill?

They roll with the punches

What did Dr Dre say to his wife during Netflix and chill?

Hope you're ready for the next episode

What's the difference between a priest and a cryogenics researcher?

Only one of them is a chilled mole tester.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

He's 0K right now.

At what point during a Netflix and Chill should you start touching her?

Immediately after the Weinstein Company logo flashes across the screen

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I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.

I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full - the kid was screaming for candy, cookies... all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.”

He had another outburst in the cer...

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Me: I’m afraid of the cold

Therapist: I see

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist chill out!

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

I like fridges.

They are pretty chill

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A freshman is talking to the new girl in school.

“You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”



“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”



The boy is silent and then asks her, “Do you k...

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A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

I was at McDonalds earlier today, just chilling when a really hot, girl walked up to me.

She grabbed me and took me to her car. She ripped my clothes off and starts sucking me as if she's dying of thirst. She sucked long and slobbery and I let out a huge load. She looked up with the face of satisfaction.

Then I realised I'm a straw.

Wife leaves a note on the fridge:

"I have made all attempts. It's not working.I can't take it anymore. I am going to stay at my Mom's place !!"

Husband opens the fridge, checks the beer bottle. Feels it is cold. He takes a few big gulps from the bottle. Feels it is chilled. Then says to himself, "What the hell is she talkin...

Everyone needs to chill the hell out about Roe V. Wade.

Honestly, they're both valid ways to get across water.

Ten minutes into "conspiracy theories and chill..."

...we start gettin *illuminaughty.*

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A group of eels are chilling in the river...

When a full tuxedo comes drifting downstream.

Danny, the leader of the bunch, turns to his three pals.

"Holy shit guys, now's our chance!"

"Yeah!" says Tommy, "Let's get drunk!"

So Tommy threads himself through the pants of the tux in a U shape, forming a nice looking pai...

Murica

Two hillbillies are out for a rip in their pick up truck drinking bottles of beer. Eventually they get pulled over by a cop. The passenger starts freaking, the driver tell him to chill I got this here. He pulls a label off his beer bottle and slaps it on his arm. The cop walks up hey you boys been ...

You say a mesquito bit you and now you have the chills, a high fever and are sweating profusely? That's not funny.

That's malarious!

My dad said something earlier that gave me chills.

He said, "I'm turning off the heating."

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A guy was chilling at his beach house...

...when there's a knock at the door.

He answers it, but no one is there. He notices a small snail on the doormat, picks it up, tosses it in the direction of the beach, and goes back inside.

Four years later, he's chilling at home and there's a knock at the door. He answers it, but no...

My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero...

At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.

'A foolish person'

Two friends chilling in the park during their lunch, one is doing a crossword puzzle in the paper.

Man 1: How do you spell buffoon?

Man 2: Do you want the British, or American spelling?

Man 1: British or American!? What are you on about?

Man 2: Well the British spelling i...

I went on a camping trip with my wife, kids, and mother-in-law.

At night, my wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to me, she insisted on trying to find her mother. I picked up my rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, we came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a t...

I tried "Netflix and chill?" on my wife.

We're now on season 3 of Gilmore Girls.

A tree, a herb and a bush were chilling together in the jungle one day when they came face to face (or leaf to face) with God..

God tells them that they must each do one deed to save the dying planet.


The tree convinces all of its kind to double their oxygen output, making the Earth's air fresher and cleaner than it ever was.


The herb begins synthesizing the ultimate cure all compound in its leaves, whi...

The wife and I did the opposite of "netflix and chill" last night...

CNN and panic!

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An American, a Japanese and a Russian scientist are chilling in the park

Suddenly, the American just starts talking about a seemingly random topic that had nothing to do with their conversation. After a few minutes, he turns towards the Japanese and the Russian and says:

'Oh sorry guys, this is the newest technology in the US. It was my wife calling me. See, I hav...

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Why do we no longer say take a chill pill?

Cause everyone is fucking popping Xanax like crazy

Ive seen this place, filled with hills and green grass, people party and eat and just chill out. They live for hundreds of years in peace. Virtually no crime. sunshine most days, nice families, quaint neighbourhood...

anyone else notice there are no black hobbits in the shire?

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As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

A sodomizer, an alcoholic, a thief and a drug addict await judgment in Hell...

The gatekeeper of Hell says, "Each of you are here because you let your addiction get the best of you. But I'm giving all of you a second chance, prove me wrong and I will drag you back to Hell!". Just like that the sodomizer, alcoholic, businessman and drug addict are teleported back to Earth.
...

She wanted space.

My wife says I take things too literally.
I say if you say you want "space" and I put you in a vacuum chamber chilled to 2.7 degrees Kelvin you got what you asked for. Roughly.

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The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

My fridge has an annoying habit to make noise if I leave it open too long

I wish it would just chill

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A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

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