The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her...

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

You may have heard of Netflix and Chill,

But have you heard of ABC and get the D?

Bae’s Theorem is P (chill | Netflix) = P(Netflix | chill) * P(chill) / P(Netflix)

Note: {People who get this} ∩ {People who actually Netflix and chill} = ∅

What's the medical term for a chill pill?

A relaxative

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill

Let's Imax and climax

My best friend is a very chill guy

He's 0K

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't think I'll ever understand college kids and their "Netflix and chill" slang...

...when are they gonna realize they can fuck each other without paying $10 a month?

Toad seems so chill when he hangs out with Mario.

He’s such a fungi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Japanese version of Netflix and Chill

is Hentai with Senpai

When it comes to Netflix and Chill,

They call me Skip Intro.

What is the cow equivalent of Netflix and Chill?

Lactose ‘n tolerance

Why do I think Sir Isaac Newton was such a chill guy?

I don't know, he just seemed pretty down-to-Earth to me.

My last girlfriend was pretty chill,

she didn't even scream that much when I closed the trunk.

At what point during a Netflix and Chill should you start touching her?

Immediately after the Weinstein Company logo flashes across the screen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

Why are people in wheelchairs so chill?

They roll with the punches

I tried "Netflix and chill?" on my wife.

We're now on season 3 of Gilmore Girls.

Ten minutes into "conspiracy theories and chill..."

...we start gettin *illuminaughty.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chill!

It’s been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this:

8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bula Joke.

One day, the teacher asks Bula "What is soft, pink and gives you pleasure?"

Bula answers confidently "Pussy!" and gets slapped out of his chair.

"Watch your language! I was talking about cotton candy."

Bula, angry, asks the teacher.

"How about this. What is long and hard...

Everyone needs to chill the hell out about Roe V. Wade.

Honestly, they're both valid ways to get across water.

What did Dr Dre say to his wife during Netflix and chill?

Hope you're ready for the next episode

I like fridges more than people.

They are always so chill.

You say a mesquito bit you and now you have the chills, a high fever and are sweating profusely? That's not funny.

That's malarious!

My dad said something earlier that gave me chills.

He said, "I'm turning off the heating."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was much younger, I was allowed to go out for the first time...

My dad was very strict: “Be home at 11 pm and be sober!”
So I, a 15 year old boy, went out for the first time. As these things go, I came home 2 hours late.
My dad rushed down the stairs and started yelling. Clearly not sober, I told him: “Chill down old man, I became a man today! Had my first...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teresa May dies...

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. ...

Ive seen this place, filled with hills and green grass, people party and eat and just chill out. They live for hundreds of years in peace. Virtually no crime. sunshine most days, nice families, quaint neighbourhood...

anyone else notice there are no black hobbits in the shire?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A freshman is talking to the new girl in school.

“You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”



“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”



The boy is silent and then asks her, “Do you k...

How do beekeepers keep their bees so chill?

They smoke them out.

A sodomizer, an alcoholic, a thief and a drug addict await judgment in Hell...

The gatekeeper of Hell says, "Each of you are here because you let your addiction get the best of you. But I'm giving all of you a second chance, prove me wrong and I will drag you back to Hell!". Just like that the sodomizer, alcoholic, businessman and drug addict are teleported back to Earth.
...

What did the chill pigeon say?

coo. coo.

The wife and I did the opposite of "netflix and chill" last night...

CNN and panic!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.

I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full - the kid was screaming for candy, cookies... all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.”

He had another outburst in the cer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

My fridge has an annoying habit to make noise if I leave it open too long

I wish it would just chill

What did the millennial say when his friend played jaws on the piano?

That low key gave me chills

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife came back from walking our dog, Ashley.

The dog comes running in and sliding across the floor, and yapping...

I said, “Chill, Crazy Dog”.

Wife says, “She’s not crazy”

I said, “I was talking about the other bitch.”

I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire...

She screamed, "What the hell is this?"

I replied "Net flicks and chill."

Why do you want divorce?

Judge: Why do you want divorce?

Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.

Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the ...

I think the weirdest thing about being dyslexic

Is the look the barista gives you when you add to the spit jar. Like I’m not the one who put it there, Kenlynn, chill out.

A pothead goes to the beach.

It's pretty obvious that he's been smoking earlier that day.
He gets to the beach and it's a quiet day. He notices, however that there are all manner of sea birds squawking and flying around like crazy. They're diving in and out of the water and pestering the few people who were out that day. He ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Americans, Frank and Joe, are on vacation in Australia...

It's their last day there and they have a few hours to kill between checking out of the hotel and getting to the airport for their flight. Frank says, "Listen, Joe, I heard about this great new act at a strip club that's on the way to the airport. A really hot Korean girl, Augusta Kwon, she's visiti...

The hidden golden toilet

Two friends, Barry and Larry, meet up at the restaurant for lunch and order some food.

While eating, Barry talks about what happened to him a few nights ago:

“Man, you’re never going to believe me: on Thursday night after being quite drunk, I ended up in a bar where if you order the st...

What do you call snowmen’s offspring?

Chill dren.

Credits: snowmen.

A man walks into a bar.

The bartender yells from the back, “Hey, how can I help you!!!!”

The customer said, “take a chill pill”

“Ok, Mr Cosby, I’ll get right on that.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No sex since 1955

A crusty old Army Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new discovery in the medical field has now yielded nymphomanics new hope to combat their urges...

Studies shows that cryotherapy is a great way to chill the fuck out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The hundred dollar tattoo

Joe gets home late one night and his wife immediately gets on his case. “Where in the hell have you been?” She says.

“Chill out” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my johnson,” he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

9 out of 10 doctors agree

The other guy should really chill the fuck out.

No matter what happens, I can't get angry.

I guess I'm terminally chill.

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad didn't like what I got him for Christmas.

"You cunt!" he snapped. "You always buy me socks!"

"Chill out," I replied. "It's the thought that counts."

I could tell by the look in his eyes that he would have kicked me in the head right then, if he had legs.

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brits

They drive a German Cars.

They go to Irish Pubs.

To drink Belgium beer.

They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back.

They sit on Swedish furniture.

To watch American films.

On a Japanese TV.


Most of all though they are suspicious of all thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] 3 Vampire had a challenge...

They were so competitive that one of them decided that they should do a challenge. The challenge was they had to kill as many people they could in the shortest time. The first vampire flew and came back 5 minutes later. "Do you see that small village?" it asked, "Yes" the other 2 replied. "I killed ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex Ed in 2015

Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

What does the Newfoundland fisherman do on a day off?

Net fix and chill

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A Trip to the Dentist

A man takes his girlfriend to his house to have some alone time. A few minutes into the Netflix and chill, things start to heat up. The man and his girlfriend start off with a little foreplay but it quickly escalates to a lot of 69.
After they finish their business the man tells his girlfriend t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A local restaurant closed down...

It all started going wrong when the owner wanted to teach his son how to have an active but safe sex life, he did it subtly by changing the name of one of the menu items to '70s netflix and chill'

Suddenly people stopped coming and when the son asked his dad what was up he said

"Guess ...

my doctor said for every upvote this gets, i will lose one rib

I only need 24 and then I can finally give myself head

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane was going down

You have the pope, a priest, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The priest responds "Do you think we have time?" "E...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde prostitute is working the corner with her friends...

... when a prospective client walks up to her.

"H-how much?" the man asks. The blonde whispers the price in his ear, and he quickly agrees.

As they're walking away, her fellow prostitutes call out: "Aren't you forgetting something?"

The man turns back nervously, then feels for h...

After the success of iPhone, iPad,... Apple has released a new device for Asian people

They call it iOpener.

Disclaimer: Chill, guys. I myself am 100% Asian and I found this joke funny. It's in /r/Jokes for a reason. Just have a good time instead.

A man takes a shortcut home through a graveyard at night.

Whistling loudly to steel himself against the cold fingers of fear, he strides quickly towards his destination.

As his eyes adjust to the dark, he notices an uncovered grave left by a lazy gravedigger. Feeling an uneasy chill, he averts his eyes from the coffin laid inside, missing the spade...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ESL worker is having a tough time at his job. [Racist]

His boss, knowing that Ming is usually his most productive employee, decides to find out why he's stopped being so efficient. So, he walks over to Ming on Monday, and asks him why.

"Oh, you know boss, I just so tired and stressed and can no think logically." Ming replies to his boss's questio...

I wonder if church musicians and surgeons ever hang out

They could just chill and talk about organs

Moses and Jesus decide to play golf.

First hole is a par 4, fairly straight but there's a pond that stretches from the front of the tee to a spot about 200 yards down the fairway. Jesus pulls a 4-iron out of his bag and steps up to the tee.

Moses can't believe it. "A 4-iron? Are you nuts? You can't clear the water with tha...

The redditor of all the land sits on his throne

A line of people are waiting to tell him their problems.

The first one walks in.
“I was milking my cow and I realized how annoying and useless it seemed”
The king said “Go follow into the room on the right, and sit on the couch.”

A second person walks in.
“I was doing schoolwo...

After dating for 2 months, she started saying she wanted to meet my parents,

Baby chill I waited for 9 months before I met my own parents

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.