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Uncomfortable Jokes

Why was the Apple uncomfortable in the fruit bowl?

Pear pressure

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An uncomfortable circumstance.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed, and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised, and he was quite itchy down ther...

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If a woman feels uncomfortable watching you masturbate, its either

1. She has intimacy issues
2. She is frigid
3. She should find another seat in the bus

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My girlfriend says, the new breast implants make her feel uncomfortable.

But, I think I look sexy.

Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

I can tell how uncomfortable a person is...

...just by hugging them for 18 minutes.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

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"I showed my doctor my weird bum rash, but he was all embarrassed and uncomfortable."

"How unprofessional, what did he say?"

"He told me to go back to my table, so he and his wife could enjoy their dinner."

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My therapist said my Freudian slips make her uncomfortable

Boy, if I had a nipple for every time I've been told that...

Why was the successful gambler uncomfortable when he sat down?

He had an ace in the hole.

My friend caught me sniffing his sister's panties

He was so mad, maybe because she was still wearing them.

It made the rest of the funeral pretty uncomfortable.

My new masseuse makes me uncomfortable

I’m not sure what it is about her, but she rubs me the wrong way.

I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet.

Worst clog ever.

What's the difference between awkward and uncomfortable?

Underwear can be uncomfortable, but when you involve other people in the problem it gets awkward.

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Dr. Watson approached the infamous detective and informed him about his uncomfortable state of prolonged constipation.

"No shit, Sherlock.'

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My trip to the doctor

Doctor: "You should stop masturbating"

Me: "Why doc? Is there something wrong?"

Doctor: "It's making me really uncomfortable"

The joke I use to leave uncomfortable conversations

You: Knock knock

Who's there?

You: it's [State your first name]

[First name who?!]

You [insulted]: I can't believe you still don't recognize me after all these years.

[Storm out of the room]

A woman goes to the Doctor about her constipation 'It's making me really uncomfortable' she says 'I just sit on the toilet for 6 hours ... and nothing happens'

'6 hours!?' The Doctor asks 'Are you taking anything?'

'Usually just a book' replies the woman

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front his pants. Bartender asks him if it’s uncomfortable...

Pirate replies “aargh it’s driving me nuts!”

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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

Things that make me feel uncomfortable

1. Incomplete Lists

2.

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My girlfriend and I had sex in my car last night. Was pretty uncomfortable though...

... Maybe we should have dropped her parents off first.

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What makes masturbating to your teacher slightly uncomfortable?

You’re homeschooled.

I heard that a crucifix is very uncomfortable

But I tried one, and it fit me to a t.

What’s comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.....

A public toilet seat.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

My pregnant wife couldn't sleep last night because she was so uncomfortable...

She is running out of womb.

As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.

But let me give it a shot.

What is something that the more you donate, the more uncomfortable people feel about it.

Kidneys

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What's the best way to get out of an uncomfortable conversation?

Put your penis back in your pants.

The bra my boyfriend gave me is really uncomfortable.

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest.

I find my new mattress uncomfortable, so I asked a mate if he wanted it. He said he wasn't sure..

I said "sleep on it"

whats the most uncomfortable thing about a prostate exam?

When you ask the doctor where to put your pants and his reply is right next to mine.

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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

A young man is uncomfortable with his body weight and therefore goes to the gym.

In front of it the man sees two queues. One of them seems to be a few people shorter so naturally he lines up there. As he reaches the end of the queue, a muscular MMA fighter rushes out of the building and hits the young man right where it hurts.

The young man gasps and crashes to the ground...

I feel uncomfortable watching a band pack up their gear after a show.

It's disconcerting.

[Long] I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life.

Sleeping in a bed which was only 30m.

Which ballet is the most uncomfortable for guys to have to sit through?

The Nutcracker.

Damn boy, are you a bra?

Because you make me uncomfortable but society has brainwashed me into thinking I need you.

Why does 7 and 8 feel very uncomfortable?

Because they're stuck between a 69.

Why do gingers always complain about uncomfortable shoes?

Because they have no inner-soles

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

I said that all pillows are uncomfortable and my friend slapped me.

He said that’s a very blanket statement to make.

My wife said, "it looks uncomfortable growing all that facial hair under your nose..."

must ache

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That wor...

I just love the feeling you get when someone you dislike is wearing slightly uncomfortable shoes

Ah shoddenfreude

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I really like that new Westworld show. But sex with robots makes me uncomfortable.

Every time I try it - my nuts get pinched in her gearbox

It's uncomfortable talking about how i got my cat fixed last week...

But sometimes you gotta call a spayed a spayed

Two blind pilots enter a plane

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pl...

there was a Saudi guy

Who was studying in Pennsylvania University.
His father was one of the richest Sheikh in middle East.
Everyday he comes to his college in his own Ferrari GT 250 while the others use public transport.
This makes him quite uncomfortable and sad.

One day he texts his dad and says " ...

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

A man walks into a bar, orders a glass of beer, and stares at the bartender for a long time making her uncomfortable.

The bartender says, “ Why don’t you take a pitcher? It’ll last longer.

What do you call a new dress-maker who is uncomfortable with the idea of customers testing her merchandise?

A seamstress who seems stressed when you stress the seams.

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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

What Ricky Gervais said after taking some digs at fat people at a show

"I don't want fat people to feel uncomfortable at my gigs. So next time, buy two seats"

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A middle manager was called into HR for a harmless ice breaker.

"Do you know why you've been sent here? One of your new employees, Gina, has levied sexual harassment allegations against you". The stern HR rep asserted.

"What!? Gina!? Oh god, no this must be a mistake! I've only known her for a few days!" The manager replied perplexed and shocked.

"...

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Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.

As the ...

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

An Ottawa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes ...

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

This morning for breakfast, I made a Belgian waffle.

For lunch, I’m planning to make a Dutch person uncomfortable.

A blonde went to buy new shoes

The shopkeeper told her the new shoes may feel a bit uncomfortable in the first couple of days.

She said : Alright I'll start wearing them on the third day.

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wifes vist to the Doctors.

The wife has just got back from the doctors after a night on kinky sex,


Asked her how it went.

Apparently She walked in with a bit of a limp and uneasily lowered her trousers to reveal a piece of lettuce hanging from her minge.


The doctor gaspsed in disbelief and said wi...

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

The Pope & his crossword puzzle

A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope is also going to be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wanted to try something different.

"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person...

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The rash on Frank's bum

Frank: I showed my doctor a rash on my bum yesterday, and he was all embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Bill: That's very unprofessional, what did he say?

Frank: He told me to make an appointment like everyone else, and said he was never going to shop in Walmart again.

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A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wo...

A nun decides to dye her worn out clothes

A nun decided that it was much cheaper to just dye the colour back into her worn out clothes instead of buying new clothes. Every year, the nun would go to a nearby dye shop to dye her clothes and hang them to dry.

When she returned to the store for the 10th time, she dyed and hung her clot...

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car.

He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go.

So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows hi...

As get older, I’ve developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

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A guy jogging on the beach sees a girls with no arms or legs.

Her torso is just propped up on some sand. As he draws nearer he sees that she's crying. He doesn't want to intrude, but he figures she might need some help.

"Excuse me, miss. Why are you crying?" he asks.
She responds "I'm just so sad! I've never been kissed before and I don't guess I eve...

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Kinky sex

A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.

The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."

"What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. ...

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way t...

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I went to a public toilet and found it was empty

I went into a booth and sat down on the seat. Just then I heard someone come in and get into the booth next to me. I coughed to let them know I was in the booth next to him. He said "Hello". I was surprised but didn't say anything. He said Hello again. This time I said "hey." He asked "how are you?"...

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A man arrives at work on Monday morning with two black eyes.

His colleague asks how this happened.

" I was in church on Sunday. The congregation kneeled and when we all got up, the woman in front of me had her dress tucked in to her bum crack. I realised it must be uncomfortable, so I reached forward and pulled it out for her. Then she turned aroun...

Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.

When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them s...

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

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