My daughter's skirt was getting a lot of attention as I walked her to the school gates, which made me very uncomfortable.

To be honest, I thought it suited me.

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An uncomfortable circumstance.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed, and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised, and he was quite itchy down ther...

Why was the Apple uncomfortable in the fruit bowl?

Pear pressure

I find my new mattress uncomfortable, so I asked a mate if he wanted it. He said he wasn't sure..

I said "sleep on it"

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

What is simultaneously uncomfortable and comfortable?

A warm toilet seat

Yesterday, one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say, and quite frankly, it completely ruined our bath.

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front his pants. Bartender asks him if it’s uncomfortable...

Pirate replies “aargh it’s driving me nuts!”

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A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Busine...

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser....

Do you find it uncomfortable wearing a mask?

Well guess what, coffin would be worse

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A Nashville man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Nashville.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He the...

My new masseuse makes me uncomfortable

I’m not sure what it is about her, but she rubs me the wrong way.

I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt...

A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"

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My dog has no nose. (Rehash)

I got this dog, but he ain't got no nose.
And I can't help but feel sorry for him.
Cause he's such a nice dog, and he just wants to make friends.
But when he sniffs another dog's ass he makes them real uncomfortable.
Cause he's like, way up in there ya know?
The lady dogs seem to like...

A young man is uncomfortable with his body weight and therefore goes to the gym.

In front of it the man sees two queues. One of them seems to be a few people shorter so naturally he lines up there. As he reaches the end of the queue, a muscular MMA fighter rushes out of the building and hits the young man right where it hurts.

The young man gasps and crashes to the ground...

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream ...

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled p...

What is something that the more you donate, the more uncomfortable people feel about it.

Kidneys

What's the difference between awkward and uncomfortable?

Underwear can be uncomfortable, but when you involve other people in the problem it gets awkward.

I can tell how uncomfortable a person is...

...just by hugging them for 18 minutes.

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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.

But let me give it a shot.

My boss won't stop flirting with me, it's making me feel really uncomfortable.

Mainly because we're a family run business.

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

A Piece Of String Walks Into A Bar...

He quickly notices a sign that says, "No String Allowed, We do not serve pieces of String."

Before anyone notices, he rushes to the bathroom and hides in a stall.

He messes himself up, makes himself look rough and tattered. Then he contorts his body into a twisted and uncomfortable pos...

A joke my friend told me (long)

Two Texans are hanging out in hell. One day, the devil walks up and says, "why are you two not burning?" The Texans reply, "We're from Texas, this feels great." So the devil goes and turns the heat wayyy up. There's no describing this heat. He returns to the Texans to find them still just hanging ou...

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

My pregnant wife couldn't sleep last night because she was so uncomfortable...

She is running out of womb.

A Couple on their Honeymoon decided to take a trip to Africa. While walking in the countryside, they saw a beautiful lake...

There was a little boy who was standing by the bank, enjoying himself. The couple approached him and asked if it was safe to go into the water, if there were any sharks in the lake. The boy said no and went back to playing.

The couple jumped into the lake but after awhile felt uncomfortable s...

The joke I use to leave uncomfortable conversations

You: Knock knock

Who's there?

You: it's [State your first name]

[First name who?!]

You [insulted]: I can't believe you still don't recognize me after all these years.

[Storm out of the room]

An old preacher was dying.

He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, s...

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My girlfriend and I had sex in my car last night. Was pretty uncomfortable though...

... Maybe we should have dropped her parents off first.

Which ballet is the most uncomfortable for guys to have to sit through?

The Nutcracker.

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A young boy named Jim with suspected mental illness was due to visit a psychotherapist but he seemed very uncomfortable with the whole idea. Finally his mother convinced him to go. Upon arrival the young boy was greeted “Hello Jim, do you know who I am?”...

Jim replied.. “Of course I do, your Psycho The Rapist!”

I feel uncomfortable watching a band pack up their gear after a show.

It's disconcerting.

What do you call a new dress-maker who is uncomfortable with the idea of customers testing her merchandise?

A seamstress who seems stressed when you stress the seams.

My friend Will joined the army.

He's very uncomfortable with the phrase


"Fire at will"

[Long] I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life.

Sleeping in a bed which was only 30m.

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A guy goes to see the doctor...

After a while the doctor comes into the exam room and says “Sir, we’ve got your test results back. You’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

“But why, doc?” The guy asks.

The doctor replies, “Because it’s making me really uncomfortable.”

What do the US police force and the KKK have in common?

An uncomfortable amount.

I just love the feeling you get when someone you dislike is wearing slightly uncomfortable shoes

Ah shoddenfreude

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What's the best way to get out of an uncomfortable conversation?

Put your penis back in your pants.

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What makes masturbating to your teacher slightly uncomfortable?

You’re homeschooled.

A man walks into a bar, orders a glass of beer, and stares at the bartender for a long time making her uncomfortable.

The bartender says, “ Why don’t you take a pitcher? It’ll last longer.

I said that all pillows are uncomfortable and my friend slapped me.

He said that’s a very blanket statement to make.

A groom ran out during his wedding...

His heart wasn’t in the relationship anymore and he couldn’t go through with it, so he ran out just before the vows.

The wedding party, along with everyone in attendance, was in shock.

The bride’s father convinced everyone that since he already paid for the reception, everyone should...

Things that make me feel uncomfortable

1. Incomplete Lists

2.

I heard that a crucifix is very uncomfortable

But I tried one, and it fit me to a t.

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A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wo...

An old woman goes to the doctor...

... and gets into the consultation, slowly walking until she reaches the doctor's desk. She sits down and begins to explain her problem to the doctor.

\-I have a terrible problem with my gas. I fart hundreds of times at the end of the day and since I have entered the room I have fart about 30...

The bra my boyfriend gave me is really uncomfortable.

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest.

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How do I feel about sex on tv?

It might be a little uncomfortable but I’ll do it if you want to.

My wife said, "it looks uncomfortable growing all that facial hair under your nose..."

must ache

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A Woman goes to a tattoo Artist

“On my right inner thigh, I want a tattoo of John Lennon,”she says. “On my left inner thigh I want a tattoo of Paul McCartney.” The tattoo artist agrees to it and they settle on a price and a day to do the piece.

The day finally comes and the woman arrives early. Although she’s super excit...

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I really like that new Westworld show. But sex with robots makes me uncomfortable.

Every time I try it - my nuts get pinched in her gearbox

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General Custer

General Custer just died at his infamous last stand, his wife, making funeral arrangements speaks to his best friend who was also at the battle. " You we there in his final moments, I want you to make his tombstone commemorating his final thoughts and wishes." Mrs. Custer says, thinking it's thoug...

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You know what’s a REAL pain in the butt?

An uncomfortable chair.

Why does 7 and 8 feel very uncomfortable?

Because they're stuck between a 69.

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The airplane is already full, passengers seated, but the cockpit is empty

Suddenly the rear door of the plane opens, and the two pilots make their way in - one is using a blind man cane, the other a guide dog. Slowly they make their way forward through the aisle in the general laughter of the passengers.

But the laughter dies down as the pilots enter the cockpit an...

whats the most uncomfortable thing about a prostate exam?

When you ask the doctor where to put your pants and his reply is right next to mine.

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2 blonds are in heaven....

One asked the other: "how did you die?"

"I froze to death" said the second blond

"That must be awful, how it felt?" said the first blond

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death...

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Doctor: You should stop masturbating

Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong?

Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable

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A shy man enters a bar

He sees a cute girl sitting at the bar and sits down near her. About an hour later he finally comes up to her and quietly asks her:
-Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink?
The girl screams:
-No! I am NOT having sex with you!!
Everyone at the bar turns and stares at him. Humiliated, he ...

Doctor visit #2

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, and as I'm getting on in years, the doctor suggested I get a colonoscopy. He says, "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, so I'm just letting you know it's totally normal to get an erection during the exam."

I said, "Oh, this isn't my first colon...

Oh, boy! Horsie ride!

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”
<...

A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towa...

It's uncomfortable talking about how i got my cat fixed last week...

But sometimes you gotta call a spayed a spayed

Why do gingers always complain about uncomfortable shoes?

Because they have no inner-soles

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A pianist once played for a porn movie.

He decided to go to the adult movie theatre just so he could hear his own piano.

At the theatre he got very uncomfortable and embarrassed. The movie was very graphic. It involved group sex, double penetration and even a dog.


On exiting the theatre he locked eyes with the couple ...

A state trooper pulls over a farmer...

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he ...

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A thug starts harassing a nun on a bus

He's saying things to her like 'show me what's under that outfit' and 'I bet you're not wearing any underwear'. The nun is clearly uncomfortable and eventually clutches her bible to her chest and yells 'LORD PROTECT ME' and gets off the bus at the next stop.


The thug starts yelling abus...

A man is dispatched by the UN to investigate the quality of the democracy in China.

Upon arrival, he has a meeting with the chinese president. He asks the president:

Do you have elections?

The president seems somewhat uncomfortable but answers:

Evely molning

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[NSFW]a truck full of chickens and a parrot

A truck driver is driving a truck full of chickens. He has a pet parrot who is with him in the front part of the truck.
After some driving a female hitchhiker tries to stop the truck. The truck driver asks her: "Will you sleep with me?" She answers: "No." He replies: "Get out."
After a whi...

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A lady walks into Tiffany's

As she browses around, spots a
beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and prays that a sales person doe...

The teacher gathers the kids around

She says, “Alright, what does the pig give you?” And the kids all reply with “Bacon!” Then the teacher goes “what does the cow give you?” And the kids go “Beef!” And as a joke the teacher goes “What about the Catfish!” And another teacher looking haggard with a cold sore looking uncomfortable goes “...

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

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Little Johnny goes to the circus with his parents...

As soon as they get to their seats, Johnny’s Dad gets up and says, “I’m going to grab a beer, I’ll be right back.”

Right in front of Johnny is the biggest elephant he had ever seen. “Hey Mom, you see that big elephant right there?” She looks over, “Why yes Johnny, I sure do!” And Johnny says,...

Two Nuns

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer,
wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one,
but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

T...

I hate crocs

They’re super uncomfortable. Especially when you’re riding on their back.

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the
plane starts to move, the passengers are
uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it
Stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets
Smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing
towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and s...

Family Therapy

The guys comes home very happy, goes to his parents and announces:

\- 'Mom, dad I finally found the girl I want to marry'

Mom: - 'That's a great news, who is she?'

\- 'She is the girl from the next block. They live on the fourth floor. You know her'

Mom: "Yes, she's a pe...

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