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In a little old town near a little old river, a fly is hovering just above the water.

There is a fish under the surface of the water looking at a fly, thinking 'If that fly drops just 6 inches, I could catch the fly and that would me my meal for the day.'

But there was a bird in a nearby tree looking at the fish, looking at the fly and thinking 'If that fly drops just 6 inches...

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An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman joke.

New here, so not sure if this is a repost.


An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They all sit next to each other at the bar, and all three order a pint of Guinness. Right as they get their pints, a fly lands in each one's drink. The Englishman turns up his nose disgu...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?

A pistachio.

Dog Joke

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle f...

Did you hear about the man who broke his funny bone?

They soaked it in water and now it's a laughing stock.

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past.

It's partly why I became a bus driver.

My buddy was trying to quit smoking...

...so I decided to help him out by making smoking seem terrible. I told him how smelly he was afterwards. I told him all the health statistics I'd read. I showed him pictures of diseased lungs. I think I finally got through to him when I soaked his cigarettes in gasoline. He was thrilled with me, I ...

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A german tourist jumped in the freezing lake to save my precious little dog

A german tourist jumped in the freezing lake to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After that he climbed out, handed me the dog and said, "Here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off, he vill be fine."

I said, "Are you a vet?"

He replied, "Vet?... I'm fucking soaked...

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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly.

Looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.
What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fly. The b...

I received a wedding invite soaked in squash today.

Turns out I had been cordially invited.

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat, in the middle of a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “Check out what I can do!” He proceeds to stand up in the boat, strike his staff, and boom! The water parts and the boat is resting on the bottom! After holding the water back for a few seconds, he releases his hold on the water. “I bet you can’t do anything that beats...

In ancient times, an mighty warrior of the Germanic tribes cut a swathe through the Roman Legions.

His name was Dolf, but he was more commonly called by another name, whispered by mothers to their children as a warning - "The Red", owing to the spatters of Roman blood that covered his wolfskin armour after battles.

It was a week before Christmas night that Dolf strode into a small inn, own...

How the government works

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he a...

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

The time is midnight. Three vampires gather in a room.

The three vampires are arguing who is the strongest vampire. So, they decide to have a small competition to see who sucks more blood from humans. The first vampire stands up, and flies into the window of the hotel room. He returns back in an hour, his mouth stained with blood. The other two vampires...

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

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A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

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3 Roaches are having a race around a toilet bowl

The first roach finishes with hardly breaking a sweat in about 5 minutes.

The second roach crosses the finish five minutes after that and is starting to sweat.

The third roach comes in fifteen minutes after him completely soaked and visibly mad.

The first two roaches ask "What ...

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[NSFW] At a family gathering, a father is drunkenly talking about his wild younger days with a cousin, while his son listens in.

Cousin: Did you ever do any coke back in the day?

Father: Oh yeah I did lots of cocaine back then. One time I took so much on a night out that my face went completely numb. I did about 6 lines in the space of 10 mins and then I went straight for the bar. I got a vodka at the bar but when I t...

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AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. ...

An Asian woman has twins, a boy and a girl.

They came out within two seconds of each other, and the doctors forgot to record which one actually came out first. This was problematic for her as it had been a tradition in her family going back almost a thousand years to name the first born of each generation "Lin". After some discussion from her...

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A fish sees a fly over the river.

The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump...

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A man is driving down the road trough an isolated forest when suddenly he gets a flat tire

A man is driving down the road trough an isolated forest when suddenly he gets a flat tire.

He stops and starts changing the tire when a huge storm starts.

With all the rain the screws got washed away trough the sewers.

He's pissed and soaked lost in the middle of nowhere at nig...

A man is walking home alone one foggy night...

... when behind him he hears

BUMP

BUMP

BUMP

He looks back warily and through the fog sees an upright casket hopping its way down the street toward him.

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing after him.

He runs up to his door, ...

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

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There was this guy who went into a bar.

He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you a bettin' man?"

The bartender replied, "Certainly! I'm ALWAYS a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "I'll bet you $50 that I can lick my right eye."

The bartender thought about this a while and finally agreed to the bet. The ma...

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

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A man who's had a few too many

A man is out drinking most of the day and next thing he knows the night has really gotten away from him. He's so loaded he ends up puking on his shirt. He is telling the bartender that he doesn't know how he's going to tell his wife that he let himself get that drunk. The bartender tells him t...

A german guy rescues a dog from drowning

then the owner of the dog says to him: "Thank you so much! Are you a vet?" to which the german guy responds with "I'm not just vet! I'm soaked!"

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Mulan got her period in the midst of a battle...

Mulan was fighting in a gruesome battle when all of a sudden her period came. The blood had soaked through her pants and there was no way she could hide it.

 

*Oh no what if my comrades find out I'm a woman? They aren't just gonna punish me, but my father and family too!* She ...

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We were asleep when there was a knock at the door at 3am!

I thought who the fuck would be there at this time. It was raining hard outside.

Anyway, answered the door and this guy was standing there, soaked and asked "Any chance for a push?"

I said no and slammed the door and went back to bed. The wife asked who was it. After explaining to her,...

A Blind man is at the bus stop....

... and along comes a large family. Mother, Father, and 7 young children. As they're waiting for the bus, it starts to rain, just making the wait worse.

When the bus arrives, being polite, the men let the mother and children get on first, at which point the bus driver says: "Sorry guys. The ...

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Damn women drivers!

This morning on the highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 kms with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving... and when I looked back she was halfway over in m...

God loves drunks too

A man is woken up at 3am to the sound of loud knocking at his door. He opens the door and finds a completely soaked man standing in the rain.

"Please help give me a push?" he asks with a drunken slur.

"No," replies the man and slams the door in his face.

"Who was that?" asks his...

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