UPJOKE
drenchdousewetsopwashmoistensaturatepoursoakingchargebrineheathookimbueinebriate

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What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring?

One is nude in dye and the other died in new.

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Keep ‘em Dry!

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench and enjoying a cigarette when it suddenly starts to rain. One of the grannies digs in her purse and pulls out a condom from it’s wrapper. She slides her cigarette inside the rubber and smiles, now her cigarette won’t get soaked by the rain.
“Mary, wher...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

A working man would come home after a week of hard work, so his wife thought that she could suprise him with a mighty dinner

So she gutted a chicken and threw it's intestines in the toilet. When the husband came home they had a great dinner and ate themselves full. After the dinner the husband stood up and said "excuse me, I need to go to the toilet" after a while the husband came back pale white a soaked with sweat. The ...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 60th birthday.

During this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

“I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.”

The guests shakes their heads in disbelie...

What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?

A pistachio.

An innocent joke to cheer you up...

Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu goes out to the garage and says,
"Dad,...

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A German, a Belgian, and a Dutchman all claim to be thr next coming of Jesus

erman, a Belgian, and a Dutchman all claim to be Jesus, and decide to settle who is speaking the truth by proving their claim.

First the German tries to prove it by walking across the mighty German river, the Rhine. However he falls in and gets completely soaked, and admits he must not be the...

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What do you call a Mexican women with three boobs?

Tres Leches

I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past.

It's partly why I became a bus driver.

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A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gale and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep.

A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news"
The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front ...

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

I received a wedding invite soaked in squash today.

Turns out I had been cordially invited.

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Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...

It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.

"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.

"Fuck off!" says bloke, s...

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

Lesson in History The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the king asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king r...

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

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My wife told me to put olive oil on the shopping list.

Great idea, now it's fucking soaked.

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The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

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It was the 4th grade teacher’s birthday and all the kids brought in presents.

The teacher was a little worried about Billy’s present though because his father owned a vodka distillery. And ask Billy ever talked about was his father’s business; how vodka was made, what made vodka the best liquor etc. So she has a bad feeling she knew what Billy’s gift would be.

Finally...

It was stormy weather outside, so I was really surprised to hear the doorbell ring.

The doorbell camera revealed it was my mother in law, completely soaked from the rain, and shivering in the icy wind. Concerned she might catch a cold, I hollered:

“Please, don’t just stand there!

Go home!”

————————————

Disclaimer:

I really appreciate my mot...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman...

...walk into a pub. They all sit next to each other at the bar, and all three order a pint of Guinness. Right as they get their pints, a fly lands in each one's drink. The Englishman turns up his nose disgustedly, and pushes the glass away. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his stout, throws it over...

An Asian woman has twins, a boy and a girl.

They came out within two seconds of each other, and the doctors forgot to record which one actually came out first. This was problematic for her as it had been a tradition in her family going back almost a thousand years to name the first born of each generation "Lin". After some discussion from her...

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A german tourist jumped in the freezing lake to save my precious little dog

A german tourist jumped in the freezing lake to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After that he climbed out, handed me the dog and said, "Here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off, he vill be fine."

I said, "Are you a vet?"

He replied, "Vet?... I'm fucking soaked...

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

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A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat, in the middle of a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “Check out what I can do!” He proceeds to stand up in the boat, strike his staff, and boom! The water parts and the boat is resting on the bottom! After holding the water back for a few seconds, he releases his hold on the water. “I bet you can’t do anything that beats...

Did you hear about the man who broke his funny bone?

They soaked it in water and now it's a laughing stock.

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

A man is walking home alone one foggy night...

... when behind him he hears

BUMP

BUMP

BUMP

He looks back warily and through the fog sees an upright casket hopping its way down the street toward him.

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing after him.

He runs up to his door, ...

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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly.

Looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.


What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fl...

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A duck walks into a bar and grill.

The moment he sits down, the bartender comes up and asks, "Well shit, I've never seen you here before. How's things?"

The duck is already drunk and starts rambling. "The name's Huey. Day's almost over, just thought I'd come here and get a burger and beer."

"You look wiped out. Long day...

My buddy was trying to quit smoking...

...so I decided to help him out by making smoking seem terrible. I told him how smelly he was afterwards. I told him all the health statistics I'd read. I showed him pictures of diseased lungs. I think I finally got through to him when I soaked his cigarettes in gasoline. He was thrilled with me, I ...

A Blind man is at the bus stop....

... and along comes a large family. Mother, Father, and 7 young children. As they're waiting for the bus, it starts to rain, just making the wait worse.

When the bus arrives, being polite, the men let the mother and children get on first, at which point the bus driver says: "Sorry guys. The ...

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

A man and his wife are woken up at 3 am by a knock on the door

The husband goes downstairs to answer it, and finds a drunk on his porch soaked from the heavy rain outside.


"Can I help you?" asks the husband.


"Yes I'd like a 'push' please," replies the drunk.


The husband replies, "Not a chance, it's 3 in the morning!" and slams t...

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Mulan got her period in the midst of a battle...

Mulan was fighting in a gruesome battle when all of a sudden her period came. The blood had soaked through her pants and there was no way she could hide it.

 

*Oh no what if my comrades find out I'm a woman? They aren't just gonna punish me, but my father and family too!* She ...

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