This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hearse is traveling up an icy hill when the back doors fly open.

The coffin drops on the street. It slides down the hill, and goes through a house. It keeps going through a school, then a church, then a grocery store, and then through a gas station. It busts through an arcade, and then through an office building. It breaks through the front door of a pharmacy...

People often tell me that "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Come to think of it, I see why.

Why did Peter put Icy-Hot on his sore shoulder?

For Pete’s ache.

A fully loaded tractor-trailer carrying 80,000 pounds of Tylenol skidded off an icy bridge, and ended up in the mighty Mississippi.

...Resulting in river failure.

Does anyone know what the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died

Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what...

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dol...

Why do cops love an icy winter morning?

So they can do donuts in the parking lot.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Robin Hood was dying

Robin Hood was dying. He had lived a great many years, and now he was old, grey, and bedridden. He put out messages for all his friends to see him; and so at the appointed hour, Maid Marian, Little John, Friar Tuck, and the rest of the Merry Men gathered in his bedchamber.

"Maid Marian, my l...

Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his...

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he’d like something tall, icy, and full of vodka.

The bartender holds up his finger for the man to wait a minute and yells into the back room, “Hey Tiffany, someone is here looking for you!”

I’m starting a cryogenics business. It’s called...

Icy Dead People.

I got an icy handjob from Elsa last week

But three seconds in I was screaming “Let it go! Let it go!!”

People often complain about the way I drive on icy roads

They're all like, "Why don't you golf somewhere else?"

What do you tell a metal head who's walking on an icy street?

Slip not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once saw a bunch of Nazis saluting in icy precipitation.

It was quite the heil storm.

Timmy walked into class 2 hours late

His teacher said "Timmy! Why are you two hours late?"

Timmy said "Teacher, it was so cold and icy out there whenever I took a step forward I slid two steps back."

The teacher said "Then how in the world did you get to school?"

Timmy said "I asked myself the same thing and after...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctors think Icy Hot turned me into a homosexual

Jokes on them because I've Bengay

I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy

That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time.

Russian proverb: the church is near, but the road is icy...

The pub is far away, but I'll walk carefully.

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

It was stormy weather outside, so I was really surprised to hear the doorbell ring.

The doorbell camera revealed it was my mother in law, completely soaked from the rain, and shivering in the icy wind. Concerned she might catch a cold, I hollered:

“Please, don’t just stand there!

Go home!”

————————————

Disclaimer:

I really appreciate my mot...

What did Haley Joel Osment find on Mount Everest?

Icy dead people.

What do you call it when you use Icy Hot as lube?

Fire in the hole!

Where do snowmen go in a medical emergency?

The ICY-U

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A+ Book Reports on Titanic and Bill Clinton

The students at a local college were assigned to read two books, “Titanic” and “My Life” by Bill Clinton, and to write book reports. One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
...

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

A Young Pastor Had Prepared a Long and Passionate Sermon for his New Congregation

But the night before he was to deliver this sermon, the town was hit by a big blizzard, and the roads were icy and impassable. In fact, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the church that Sunday morning. The pastor said, "I guess we won't have a service today."

The farmer replied: "Wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George Washington was crossing a river in a storm.

He tells one of the men, "corporal Peters, move to the front of the boat with a lantern to help us see the way!"

Corporal Peters does as he was told, but almost immediately falls into the icy water and is lost.

Washington and his men eventually reach the shore and set out through the...

Two Secret Service agents are intercepting a black box from a terrorist when they finally corner him and capture him

They interrogate him and ask him to hand over the box and maybe he'll live for another day. The terrorist barks, "You'll have to pry it from my dead cold hands!" One of the agents then proceeds to throw the terrorist into a large refridgerating chamber overnight. The next day, the terrorist was f...

What did yoda tell the snowman when he found out he had tunnelvision? (OC... you can probably tell)

All ICY is you!

An awful conductor...

So, a polish train conductor is carrying people to go out of the country. However, the tracks were icy because it was the middle of winter.
So the train slipped and rolled over eight times. Miraculously all but three people lived. When the conductor was trialed for manslaughter, he was found guil...

Little known fact; Haley Joel Osment had a cameo in the Titanic movie.

His line? “Icy dead people.”

If Game of Thrones was written by M. Night Shyamalan, what would he have called the White Walkers?

Icy Dead People

The Pig.

A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg.

The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he ...

What's the difference between a Bruce Willis movie and a morgue?

Icy dead people.

A little girl was walking on a frozen lake when she saw a wolf who had fallen in a hole in the ice and was drowing.

The girl, having a pure heart, runs to it, kneels down, plunges her arms in the icy water, grabs the wolf's tail at the very last moment and pulls, pulls, pulls until she manages to bring the poor animal back on the ice shelf.



At that moment, the wolf changes into a prince. The girl b...

Have you tried the Faygo Slurpee at 7-11?

It tastes like icy pee.

A penguin is driving through the Arizona desert when his car breaks down

He pulls into a nearby mechanic station in search of assistance.

The mechanic catches a quick glimpse of the car and tells the penguin, "I'll go ahead and check it out. Come back in about 30 minutes and I'll have a diagnosis for you."

"Alright then," replies the penguin as he waddles o...

Today I woke up early

I quietly put on my clothes, made coffee. I took my golf clubs and went slowly into the garage. I put the clubs in the car and pulled the car out of the garage under torrential rain.

The road was totally flooded and the icy wind blew at 50 km per hour. I went back to the garage, turned on the...

Snow sculptures are cool!

Icy pose

A blind man walks into a freezer...

"I was blind, but now icy."

I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps.

All I got were Icy Stares.

What did yoda tell the snowman when he found out he had tunnel vision?

All icy is you!

I legit thought of this joke when i was like 10 and im so proud i remembered it.

A man dies and goes to hell.

The devil explains to him, "We have a new program here. You get to choose one of three rooms in which to spend eternity.
The devil takes him to the first room. Inside are a large number of naked people, all standing on their heads. He takes the man to the second room. Inside are more people, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joel Osteen dies and goes to Heaven.

He looks up at the big pearly gates and immediately recognizes where he is. He waits for a while but no one comes to greet him. Beyond the gates, he hears a band performing a concert between deafening cheers of the crowd and other indications of general merriment. He looks around but cannot find ...

Full roasted chicken

Its a full crowd at the bar the place is abuzz. Santa Singh walks in sits down at a table and orders a full roast chicken.
Suddenly someone rushes in and yells “Rocky is coming!”
The customers all stop what they are doing, drop their glasses and drinks and begin to rush out, except Santa who ...

An Englishman And An Irishman

*Chances are this has been posted before, but as an Irishman with English roots I've always found it hilarious. Enjoy! :D*

An Englishman and an Irishman in two separate cars were driving down a lonely country road on a cold, misty night at 100 kilometers per hour. Neither men were being parti...

I don't like it when snow melts

Icy it as snow unsettling.

(OC)

To much precaution...

Two security guards obtained me at the airport after they opened my luggage and found some IcyHot patches, they said: I was packing heat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The real joke

A man was abducted one night by aliens. After the new broke out, US authorities began to contact the aliens using a breakthrough technology. The whole world had eyes on the US government to save the man. After much discussion between the two races, the US government actually pissed off the aliens th...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.