UPJOKE
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People often say “icy” is the easiest word to spell and looking at it now...

I see why

A bus is driving on an icy road and inevitably slips off, killing all 25 passengers on board.

St. Peter had the day off, so God was manning the gates of heaven.
He was surprised to see a group of 25, so he asked what happened. The group explained their predicament.

God felt sad for the unfortunate accident, and feeling like he somehow was responsible for willing that road to ice t...

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A hearse is traveling up an icy hill when the back doors fly open.

The coffin drops on the street. It slides down the hill, and goes through a house. It keeps going through a school, then a church, then a grocery store, and then through a gas station. It busts through an arcade, and then through an office building. It breaks through the front door of a pharmacy...

A fully loaded tractor-trailer carrying 80,000 pounds of Tylenol skidded off an icy bridge, and ended up in the mighty Mississippi.

...Resulting in river failure.

What do the Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

Did you hear about Haley Joel Osment being cast in the Titanic remake?

The most iconic line will be Icy Dead People.

Why did Peter put Icy-Hot on his sore shoulder?

For Pete’s ache.

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died

Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what...

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It's 1939 and the Soviets are attacking Finland.

So it's 1939, winter, the soviets are attacking Finland and the Karelian isthmus is basically a burning icy hell where peoples throats are cut in nightly raids and their blood turns to ice before their bodies hit the earth.

At one section of the Finnish trenches there are only two guys left ...

An Austrian archaeological team has recovered the bodies of several perfectly preserved neolithic hunters from within a mountain glacier. When asked for comment, American actor, Haley Joel Osment said:

Icy dead people.

(This one’s a tad dark… you’ve been warned) What do the movies The 6th Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he’d like something tall, icy, and full of vodka.

The bartender holds up his finger for the man to wait a minute and yells into the back room, “Hey Tiffany, someone is here looking for you!”

What do you tell a metal head who's walking on an icy street?

Slip not.

Why do cops love an icy winter morning?

So they can do donuts in the parking lot.

People often complain about the way I drive on icy roads

They're all like, "Why don't you golf somewhere else?"

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota...

I got an icy handjob from Elsa last week

But three seconds in I was screaming “Let it go! Let it go!!”

What's icy and bad for your teeth?

A comet

How the Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Came To Be

One night the great rocket scientist Werhner Von Braun was walking home in a nasty, freezing show storm, when nature called upon him quite suddenly.

After doing his business he stood up and looked down upon the result, at which he was heard to remark "Good heavens, that's one icy BM..."

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dol...

What did Hailey Joel Osmont say when climbing mt everest?

Icy dead people

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Once saw a bunch of Nazis saluting in icy precipitation.

It was quite the heil storm.

Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?

She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.

I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy

That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time.

Russian proverb: the church is near, but the road is icy...

The pub is far away, but I'll walk carefully.

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

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Robin Hood was dying

Robin Hood was dying. He had lived a great many years, and now he was old, grey, and bedridden. He put out messages for all his friends to see him; and so at the appointed hour, Maid Marian, Little John, Friar Tuck, and the rest of the Merry Men gathered in his bedchamber.

"Maid Marian, my l...

What do you call it when you use Icy Hot as lube?

Fire in the hole!

I’m starting a cryogenics business. It’s called...

Icy Dead People.

Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his...

It was stormy weather outside, so I was really surprised to hear the doorbell ring.

The doorbell camera revealed it was my mother in law, completely soaked from the rain, and shivering in the icy wind. Concerned she might catch a cold, I hollered:

“Please, don’t just stand there!

Go home!”

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Disclaimer:

I really appreciate my mot...

Timmy walked into class 2 hours late

His teacher said "Timmy! Why are you two hours late?"

Timmy said "Teacher, it was so cold and icy out there whenever I took a step forward I slid two steps back."

The teacher said "Then how in the world did you get to school?"

Timmy said "I asked myself the same thing and after...

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

Where do snowmen go in a medical emergency?

The ICY-U

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

Over the river and through the woods..

Yeah, that can happen if you drive too fast on an icy road.

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A+ Book Reports on Titanic and Bill Clinton

The students at a local college were assigned to read two books, “Titanic” and “My Life” by Bill Clinton, and to write book reports. One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
...

What did yoda tell the snowman when he found out he had tunnelvision? (OC... you can probably tell)

All ICY is you!

A Young Pastor Had Prepared a Long and Passionate Sermon for his New Congregation

But the night before he was to deliver this sermon, the town was hit by a big blizzard, and the roads were icy and impassable. In fact, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the church that Sunday morning. The pastor said, "I guess we won't have a service today."

The farmer replied: "Wh...

The Pig.

A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg.

The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he ...

Two Secret Service agents are intercepting a black box from a terrorist when they finally corner him and capture him

They interrogate him and ask him to hand over the box and maybe he'll live for another day. The terrorist barks, "You'll have to pry it from my dead cold hands!" One of the agents then proceeds to throw the terrorist into a large refridgerating chamber overnight. The next day, the terrorist was f...

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George Washington was crossing a river in a storm.

He tells one of the men, "corporal Peters, move to the front of the boat with a lantern to help us see the way!"

Corporal Peters does as he was told, but almost immediately falls into the icy water and is lost.

Washington and his men eventually reach the shore and set out through the...

An awful conductor...

So, a polish train conductor is carrying people to go out of the country. However, the tracks were icy because it was the middle of winter.
So the train slipped and rolled over eight times. Miraculously all but three people lived. When the conductor was trialed for manslaughter, he was found guil...

If Game of Thrones was written by M. Night Shyamalan, what would he have called the White Walkers?

Icy Dead People

Have you tried the Faygo Slurpee at 7-11?

It tastes like icy pee.

What's the difference between a Bruce Willis movie and a morgue?

Icy dead people.

A penguin is driving through the Arizona desert when his car breaks down

He pulls into a nearby mechanic station in search of assistance.

The mechanic catches a quick glimpse of the car and tells the penguin, "I'll go ahead and check it out. Come back in about 30 minutes and I'll have a diagnosis for you."

"Alright then," replies the penguin as he waddles o...

Today I woke up early

I quietly put on my clothes, made coffee. I took my golf clubs and went slowly into the garage. I put the clubs in the car and pulled the car out of the garage under torrential rain.

The road was totally flooded and the icy wind blew at 50 km per hour. I went back to the garage, turned on the...

A little girl was walking on a frozen lake when she saw a wolf who had fallen in a hole in the ice and was drowing.

The girl, having a pure heart, runs to it, kneels down, plunges her arms in the icy water, grabs the wolf's tail at the very last moment and pulls, pulls, pulls until she manages to bring the poor animal back on the ice shelf.



At that moment, the wolf changes into a prince. The girl b...

A blind man walks into a freezer...

"I was blind, but now icy."

A man dies and goes to hell.

The devil explains to him, "We have a new program here. You get to choose one of three rooms in which to spend eternity.
The devil takes him to the first room. Inside are a large number of naked people, all standing on their heads. He takes the man to the second room. Inside are more people, ...

I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps.

All I got were Icy Stares.

Snow sculptures are cool!

Icy pose

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