Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
"...

Why do riot police wake up early?

...so they can beat the crowds

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Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they got no balls to scratch.

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Surprise morning sex is the best way to wake up

Not if you’re in prison

When you wake up and think life sucks.

But at least my name is not North Kardashian West

Did I just wake up in the future or the past?

Because this feels like twenty twenty too.

If you wake up at midday...

...you save the money you would have spent on breakfast.

Just contact me if you need any more finance tips.

Why did Moses yell and wake up the kids in the middle of the night?

He got his weiner caught in his Zipporah!

(OC, AFAIK)

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My dad always told me you only wake up with what you go to bed with

Go to bed with courage and you'll wake up with it...

Go to bed needing a shit, you're not gonna have a good morning.

Every time I wake up I miss my wife

I always have mourning wood

Stress is when you wake up screaming

and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

What do pirates say when they wake up in the morning

Me hardy

I wonder why I always wake up with morning wood

I’m stumped

the only time I know true peace are the moments between when I wake up and when I have my first thought, straight vibes till I decide to exist

That's a whole 2 seconds of bliss

I thought women love when they wake up to the breakfast in the bed...

I'll never do it anymore. Instead of "That is so kind, thank you," she was all just screaming who I am and how I got into her house.

Mother is waking her son: “Paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.”

“Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.”

“No, it’s really high time, now get up.”

“But I don’t want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!”

“Stop it, now. Get up and off to school with you!”

“Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to ...

Would You Rather Wake Up A Billionaire, Or A Homeless Person?

Probably The Homeless Person. He can't kick you out!


Thank you, I'll be here all quarantine.

What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?

A depresso

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Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...

Tomorrow we have to remember to wake up Green Day.

When September ends.

The first thing I do after I wake up every morning is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

The pastor told the Congregation: "Spiritually, we're comatose. We all need to wake up." The worshippers' refrain went, "We're waking up, reverend, we're waking up."

"Then we need to start standing up." "We shall stand, reverend, we shall stand." "After that, we need to start walking." "We shall walk, reverend, we shall walk." "After that, we need to start running." "We shall run, reverend, we shall run." "And to run," the pastor thundered, "we shall need money....

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

A failed wake up call...

In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, the phone didn’t ring until 5:30. “You were supposed to call us at 5 a.m.!” I admonished the desk clerk on the other end of the line. “What if I had to close a ­...

I want to die like my grandfather did - just fall asleep peacefully and never wake up.

Not screaming and in panic like the passengers in his car.

What do they call it in Alabama when you wake up and eat out your sister?

Breakfast inbred.

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

"How do you wake up in the morning?"

"In the morning? Yes I used to use one of those automatic things that makes you a cup of tea, and does this horrible screeching noise in your ear.

But then I divorced her and bought a Teasmade."

-A Bit of Fry and Laurie Vox Pop Series 4

Why don't people in Athens wake up early?

Because dawn is tough on Greece

The biggest problem I’ve been having after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s is after I wake up

I don’t know if the women in bed is my wife or if I should pay her.

It's 2020. We need to WAKE UP. The biggest threat to humanity is here. This world is dying. We NEED to do something about this. We can't let this virus take over humanity.

Someone delete TikTok ffs.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell

Yep, they're still in Michigan!

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

When I was young my mother would wake up early to remove the crusts from my sandwiches....

.... She really hated me, she knew they were my favourite part.

How do you wake up Lady GaGa?

You poker face.

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Waking up

An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor asks "so what's wrong?"

The old man says "every morning at 7 I take a huge dump. Then at 7:15 I take a massive piss."

The doctor says "that's okay most people go to the bathroom when they wake up."

"The problem is I don't wake up till 7...

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Children wake up in the morning to find a strange man in their kitchen making some scrambled eggs...

They ask him: "Are you our new baby sitter?"

The guy replies: "No, I'm your new mother fucker."

A married couple had a fight and weren't speaking to each other for days. One evening, the husband leaves a message on his nightstand. "I have a very important meeting tomorrow that I cannot miss. Please wake me up at 9 am". The next day, he wakes up and looks at the time. It's almost 11...

Wondering if his wife hadn't seen or read the message, he looks at his note and sees a new note beside his that reads: "It's 9 o'clock. Time to wake up!"

Sometimes I wake up grumpy

Sometimes I let her sleep instead

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