UPJOKE
wakewakenawakeawakenrousearousecome alivebring backreawakenturnslumberkipupcaliforniansmodify

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

I shouldn’t have bought this piece of shit from IKEA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How most men wake up in the morning...

The brain: "Ah, fucking hell!"

The body: "Don't give up!"

The dick: "THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!"

What did Moses do to wake up in the morning?

Hebrewed some coffee.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

My girlfriend asked me if I ever wake up grumpy.

I told her I usually just let her sleep in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Major and a Priest wake up...

A Major and a Priest wake up hungover and butt naked in a bush. After getting up, a group of people walk past them. The Priest quckly coveres his private parts with his hands. Meanwhile, the Major only covers his face. After the people are gone, the priest is upset and asks the major why he didn't c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I’m always exhausted,” Joe told his shrink. “Every night I dream I’m driving a truck from Houston to Chicago, and every morning I wake up dead tired.”

The doctor said, “Beginning tonight when you’re dreaming, stop in Tulsa and I’ll drive the rest of the way to Chicago.” It worked perfectly.

A week later Joe’s friend Fred told him, “Every night I dream all night long that I’m being forced to sexually satisfy four beautiful starlets. It’s k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't wake Up Until Ten

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Seventy is the worst age to be," announced the seventy year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the eighty year ol...

My mom would wake up early just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches for lunch….

She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.

A family of moles wake up from hibernation.

They start digging up to the surface to get some air and stretch their legs. When they arrive, there’s a layer of concrete that wasn’t there before. They dig around the concrete and Papa mole pokes his head out and smells fresh pancakes.

“Oh, they must have built a pancake house up there! It ...

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning

I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

Confucius say "Better to wake up and pee

than to pee and wake up."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a 6 year old and a 4 year old brother. It was the 6 year olds birthday that day. They wake up in the morning and...

The 6 year old says to his younger brother “Hey, I think today is the day we start using swear words around Mom. After all I’m 6 now.”

The younger brother starts getting excited and says, “Ok! What swear words should we use?!”

The older brother replies with, “I’m going to say hell, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
"...

How does Thom Yorke wake up on a weekend that doesn’t happen to coincide with his birthday?

With no alarms and no surprises

Why don't people in Athens wake up early?

Because dawn is tough on Greece

I want to die like my grandfather did - just fall asleep peacefully and never wake up.

Not screaming and in panic like the passengers in his car.

Why do riot police wake up early?

So they can beat the crowds.

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover

that your high school class is running the country.

How do you wake up a charizard in Jamaica?

You Poke-em, Mon!



(This is probably super stereotypical, I apologize for any offense.)

Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.

Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.

Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.

Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.

Timm...

Do you ever wake up disappointed because you were eating something tasty in your dreams?

Stacey. Her name was Stacey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last time I stayed at a hotel I asked the front desk for a wake up call.

She called me twenty minutes later and said, "what the fuck are you doing with your life?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This morning, I decided to wake up my girlfriend with a gentle fuck

followed by a gentle "you"

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"

It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Why wouldn’t the bee wake up?

It was in a honeycoma.

I felt great this morning! Realized there’s two types of people in this world, those who wake up in the morning and…

… those who don’t

What time do golfers wake up to go golfing?

Foooooour

What do you call it when you wake up with 9 bruises and stub your toe in the late morning?

Tenth-hurty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which US state is happiest to see its Japanese residents wake up?

Ohio.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

Coz they've no balls to scratch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die on Christmas and wake up in heaven

Upon waking up they meet st. Peter.
He says they need something with them that represents Christmas to enter heaven.

The first man finds a lighter in his pocket and says "this is a candle"

St. Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out his keys and starts shaking them "these...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to

Unless you're in prison

How do Cicadas know to wake up every 17 years?

They have Cicadian rhythm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

If you wake up at midday...

...you save the money you would have spent on breakfast.

Just contact me if you need any more finance tips.

What time do Crackheads wake up?

Crack of Dawn!

Stress is when you wake up screaming

and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Why is it hard to wake up after a funeral?

Because it’s very tiring in the mourning.

Why did Moses yell and wake up the kids in the middle of the night?

He got his weiner caught in his Zipporah!

(OC, AFAIK)

Every time I wake up I miss my wife

I always have mourning wood

The pastor told the Congregation: "Spiritually, we're comatose. We all need to wake up." The worshippers' refrain went, "We're waking up, reverend, we're waking up."

"Then we need to start standing up." "We shall stand, reverend, we shall stand." "After that, we need to start walking." "We shall walk, reverend, we shall walk." "After that, we need to start running." "We shall run, reverend, we shall run." "And to run," the pastor thundered, "we shall need money....

How do you wake up Lady GaGa?

You poker face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad always told me you only wake up with what you go to bed with

Go to bed with courage and you'll wake up with it...

Go to bed needing a shit, you're not gonna have a good morning.

I thought women love when they wake up to the breakfast in the bed...

I'll never do it anymore. Instead of "That is so kind, thank you," she was all just screaming who I am and how I got into her house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Those who jump into the valley of wishes speaking what they desire shall wake up having their wishes granted.

3 men arrived at the valley.

The first man was a really horny one. He shouted "Hot girls!" as he jumped down. He then woke up surrounded by a sea of the most beautiful women. He was so happy.

The second man was a geek. He shouted "Books!" as he jumped down. He then woke up surrounded...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day w...

When you wake up and think life sucks.

But at least my name is not North Kardashian West

Why did the templar wake up covered in sweat?

He had a knightmare.

This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up.

I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out ...

The biggest problem I’ve been having after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s is after I wake up

I don’t know if the women in bed is my wife or if I should pay her.

What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?

A depresso

Did I just wake up in the future or the past?

Because this feels like twenty twenty too.

What do pirates say when they wake up in the morning

Me hardy

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man was having an affair with his Nympho secretary, and lost track of time.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demande...

Would You Rather Wake Up A Billionaire, Or A Homeless Person?

Probably The Homeless Person. He can't kick you out!


Thank you, I'll be here all quarantine.

I just asked Siri for a wake up call...

She sent a photo of me, surrounded by empty pizza boxes and beer cans.

Tomorrow we have to remember to wake up Green Day.

When September ends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and wife wake up one Saturday morning...

the man turns to his wife and says, "Honey, are you ready for our fishing trip? I've been excited for weeks.".

The woman turns over, not impressed, "you know I hate fishing. I know I said I'd go, but can you not ask a friend?"

"No, you promised! I'll make you a deal. You can either co...

What do Minecraft fanboys have when they wake up?

Bedrock

Every day before work, I wake up

It’s getting really irritating, and I wish it would stop happening.

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

Every morning I wake up to find my bed slightly more broken.

Turns out I'm a heavy sleeper.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell

Yep, they're still in Michigan!

Mother is waking her son: “Paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.”

“Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.”

“No, it’s really high time, now get up.”

“But I don’t want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!”

“Stop it, now. Get up and off to school with you!”

“Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to ...

How do you tell someone to wake up in Asia?

Rice and shrine honey!

Some guys wake up and pump iron...

I wake up and pump protein.

Told my wife that this afternoon after getting lucky this morning. I think her eyes rolled into the back of her head.

I'll probably be working out solo for a while.

"How do you wake up in the morning?"

"In the morning? Yes I used to use one of those automatic things that makes you a cup of tea, and does this horrible screeching noise in your ear.

But then I divorced her and bought a Teasmade."

-A Bit of Fry and Laurie Vox Pop Series 4

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two brothers wake up one morning and decide to start cussing...

The older brother says, "I'll say 'Damn' and you can say 'Ass'." They agree and head downstairs.

Their mother asks the older brother what he would like for breakfast, and he says, "Get me some damn Cheerios!"

Furious, she gives him a spanking and sends him to his room. She then turns...

What do you do if you wake up next to a large, mostly herbivorous, semiaquatic mammal?

It is, of course, a completely hippotetical situation.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.