Why wouldn’t the bee wake up?

It was in a honeycoma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they have no balls to scratch.

What time does Donald Duck wake up?

At the quack of dawn.

I dont drink coffee to wake up…

I wake up to drink coffee.

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"

It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and and be glad that you are still alive?

I did, apparently this girl sitting next to me is really mad at me and I won't be allowed to sleep during lectures anymore.

How do Cicadas know to wake up every 17 years?

They have Cicadian rhythm.

What did Moses do to wake up in the morning?

Hebrewed some coffee.

I felt great this morning! Realized there’s two types of people in this world, those who wake up in the morning and…

… those who don’t

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last time I stayed at a hotel I asked the front desk for a wake up call.

She called me twenty minutes later and said, "what the fuck are you doing with your life?"

Why do riot police wake up early?

...so they can beat the crowds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
"...

There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up.

So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”

Why is it hard to wake up after a funeral?

Because it’s very tiring in the mourning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...

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I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day w...

Why did the templar wake up covered in sweat?

He had a knightmare.

If you wake up at midday...

...you save the money you would have spent on breakfast.

Just contact me if you need any more finance tips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad always told me you only wake up with what you go to bed with

Go to bed with courage and you'll wake up with it...

Go to bed needing a shit, you're not gonna have a good morning.

When you wake up and think life sucks.

But at least my name is not North Kardashian West

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surprise morning sex is the best way to wake up

Not if you’re in prison

Did I just wake up in the future or the past?

Because this feels like twenty twenty too.

Why did Moses yell and wake up the kids in the middle of the night?

He got his weiner caught in his Zipporah!

(OC, AFAIK)

Every time I wake up I miss my wife

I always have mourning wood

The first thing I do after I wake up every morning is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

Stress is when you wake up screaming

and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?

A depresso

What do pirates say when they wake up in the morning

Me hardy

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

I thought women love when they wake up to the breakfast in the bed...

I'll never do it anymore. Instead of "That is so kind, thank you," she was all just screaming who I am and how I got into her house.

The pastor told the Congregation: "Spiritually, we're comatose. We all need to wake up." The worshippers' refrain went, "We're waking up, reverend, we're waking up."

"Then we need to start standing up." "We shall stand, reverend, we shall stand." "After that, we need to start walking." "We shall walk, reverend, we shall walk." "After that, we need to start running." "We shall run, reverend, we shall run." "And to run," the pastor thundered, "we shall need money....

Would You Rather Wake Up A Billionaire, Or A Homeless Person?

Probably The Homeless Person. He can't kick you out!


Thank you, I'll be here all quarantine.

I want to die like my grandfather did - just fall asleep peacefully and never wake up.

Not screaming and in panic like the passengers in his car.

the only time I know true peace are the moments between when I wake up and when I have my first thought, straight vibes till I decide to exist

That's a whole 2 seconds of bliss

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

Tomorrow we have to remember to wake up Green Day.

When September ends.

What do Minecraft fanboys have when they wake up?

Bedrock

Why don't people in Athens wake up early?

Because dawn is tough on Greece

Mother is waking her son: “Paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.”

“Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.”

“No, it’s really high time, now get up.”

“But I don’t want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!”

“Stop it, now. Get up and off to school with you!”

“Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and l...

How do you wake up Lady GaGa?

You poker face.

What do they call it in Alabama when you wake up and eat out your sister?

Breakfast inbred.

"How do you wake up in the morning?"

"In the morning? Yes I used to use one of those automatic things that makes you a cup of tea, and does this horrible screeching noise in your ear.

But then I divorced her and bought a Teasmade."

-A Bit of Fry and Laurie Vox Pop Series 4

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell

Yep, they're still in Michigan!

It's 2020. We need to WAKE UP. The biggest threat to humanity is here. This world is dying. We NEED to do something about this. We can't let this virus take over humanity.

Someone delete TikTok ffs.

How do you tell someone to wake up in Asia?

Rice and shrine honey!

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