UPJOKE
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Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...

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Mom: Wake up, son. It's time to go to school

Son: But why? Everyone in the school hates me


Mom: Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school


Son: Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?


MOM : One, you should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school...

What time do golfers wake up to go golfing?

Foooooour

Do you ever wake up disappointed because you were eating something tasty in your dreams?

Stacey. Her name was Stacey.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and be glad that you're alive?

Apparently, I did and won’t be allowed on Hawaiian Airlines again...

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How most men wake up in the morning...

The brain: "Ah, fucking hell!"

The body: "Don't give up!"

The dick: "THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!"

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Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

Coz they've no balls to scratch

Why do riot police wake up early?

...so they can beat the crowds

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

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Which US state is happiest to see its Japanese residents wake up?

Ohio.

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Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to

Unless you're in prison

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“Jimmy, it’s time to wake up.”

“I don’t want to wake up.”

“You have to go to school.”

“I don’t want to go to the school. All the teachers hate me. The students all hate me too.”

“But you must go!”

“Why must I go?”

“You’re the principal.”

Confucius say "Better to wake up and pee

than to pee and wake up."

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A man wakes up one morning and when goes to the bathroom, he looks in the mirror and sees a red dot on his forehead.

Over the next several days the dot grows progressively larger, so he goes to see his doctor.
The doctor examines him and exclaims, “My God, I’ve read about this but never thought I’d see it!”

Not liking the sound of this, the man asks, “what is it doctor? What’s wrong with me?”
...

My wife asked me if I knew what she could do not to wake up with Bed Head

I said, try sleeping with your mouth closed

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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
"...

Why wouldn’t the bee wake up?

It was in a honeycoma.

What did Moses do to wake up in the morning?

Hebrewed some coffee.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

Most of the time I let her sleep.

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3 men die on Christmas and wake up in heaven

Upon waking up they meet st. Peter.
He says they need something with them that represents Christmas to enter heaven.

The first man finds a lighter in his pocket and says "this is a candle"

St. Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out his keys and starts shaking them "these...

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"

It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

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Last time I stayed at a hotel I asked the front desk for a wake up call.

She called me twenty minutes later and said, "what the fuck are you doing with your life?"

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

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Those who jump into the valley of wishes speaking what they desire shall wake up having their wishes granted.

3 men arrived at the valley.

The first man was a really horny one. He shouted "Hot girls!" as he jumped down. He then woke up surrounded by a sea of the most beautiful women. He was so happy.

The second man was a geek. He shouted "Books!" as he jumped down. He then woke up surrounded...

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I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day w...

How do Cicadas know to wake up every 17 years?

They have Cicadian rhythm.

I felt great this morning! Realized there’s two types of people in this world, those who wake up in the morning and…

… those who don’t

There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up.

So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”

The first thing I do after I wake up every morning is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

If you wake up at midday...

...you save the money you would have spent on breakfast.

Just contact me if you need any more finance tips.

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There was a 6 year old and a 4 year old brother. It was the 6 year olds birthday that day. They wake up in the morning and...

The 6 year old says to his younger brother “Hey, I think today is the day we start using swear words around Mom. After all I’m 6 now.”

The younger brother starts getting excited and says, “Ok! What swear words should we use?!”

The older brother replies with, “I’m going to say hell, and...

I want to die like my grandfather did - just fall asleep peacefully and never wake up.

Not screaming and in panic like the passengers in his car.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

Why did the templar wake up covered in sweat?

He had a knightmare.

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(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and l...

Why did Moses yell and wake up the kids in the middle of the night?

He got his weiner caught in his Zipporah!

(OC, AFAIK)

Why don't people in Athens wake up early?

Because dawn is tough on Greece

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning

I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

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My dad always told me you only wake up with what you go to bed with

Go to bed with courage and you'll wake up with it...

Go to bed needing a shit, you're not gonna have a good morning.

When you wake up and think life sucks.

But at least my name is not North Kardashian West

Did I just wake up in the future or the past?

Because this feels like twenty twenty too.

What do pirates say when they wake up in the morning

Me hardy

Every time I wake up I miss my wife

I always have mourning wood

How do you wake up Lady GaGa?

You poker face.

I thought women love when they wake up to the breakfast in the bed...

I'll never do it anymore. Instead of "That is so kind, thank you," she was all just screaming who I am and how I got into her house.

The biggest problem I’ve been having after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s is after I wake up

I don’t know if the women in bed is my wife or if I should pay her.

Stress is when you wake up screaming

and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

The pastor told the Congregation: "Spiritually, we're comatose. We all need to wake up." The worshippers' refrain went, "We're waking up, reverend, we're waking up."

"Then we need to start standing up." "We shall stand, reverend, we shall stand." "After that, we need to start walking." "We shall walk, reverend, we shall walk." "After that, we need to start running." "We shall run, reverend, we shall run." "And to run," the pastor thundered, "we shall need money....

the only time I know true peace are the moments between when I wake up and when I have my first thought, straight vibes till I decide to exist

That's a whole 2 seconds of bliss

What time do Crackheads wake up?

Crack of Dawn!

Would You Rather Wake Up A Billionaire, Or A Homeless Person?

Probably The Homeless Person. He can't kick you out!


Thank you, I'll be here all quarantine.

Mother is waking her son: “Paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.”

“Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.”

“No, it’s really high time, now get up.”

“But I don’t want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!”

“Stop it, now. Get up and off to school with you!”

“Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to ...

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell

Yep, they're still in Michigan!

Tomorrow we have to remember to wake up Green Day.

When September ends.

Every morning I wake up to find my bed slightly more broken.

Turns out I'm a heavy sleeper.

Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.

Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.

Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.

Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.

Timm...

"How do you wake up in the morning?"

"In the morning? Yes I used to use one of those automatic things that makes you a cup of tea, and does this horrible screeching noise in your ear.

But then I divorced her and bought a Teasmade."

-A Bit of Fry and Laurie Vox Pop Series 4

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