I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...

The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.

I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"

"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."

We ...

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Laughlin cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Laughlin, Nevada for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the fr...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

A cabbie picks up a nun.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.


She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and ha...

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Cabby revenge

Late at night, I had a bit to drink and asked the cabby if he could tell me how much to my place. I had only about half this amount and could he help me out. He said no in the rudest way possible.

Next week I see the same cabby in the front of the queue. so I go to the last cab in the rank a...

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Money-minded Cabbie!!

A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers' Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you -- I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy sa...

I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie

"My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"

10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said

"Just tell her Larry sent you"

Cabbie and the priest

A Priest dies and is waiting in line at Heaven's Door.

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : Who are you?

Guy : I am a cab driver in Rome

God : Take this Gold robe and enter kingdom of H...

a taxi driver in New York picks up a nun...

after a while of driving the nun notices the driver staring intensely at her through the mirror. Curiosity took hold and she asked him why he was looking so intently at her.
"you see," says the driver "I have always fantasized about kissing a nun."
"Are you married?" asked the nun "and are yo...

A london cabbie is driving down an unlit street in heavy fog he sees a figure in the distance hailing him...

...he opens the door and turns around to see a beautiful naked woman.

"Where to love?"

"5 Kings road please"

She's so gorgeous and curvy in all the right places that he can't keep his eyes of her. She catches him in a longer lingering stare and says

"What do you think you...

A cabbie and a priest are at the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter invites the cabbie and the priest into his golf cart, to show them to their new residences. Although the cab driver had spent his life speeding, drinking and scamming, he was dropped off at a beautiful lakefront mansion.

Seeing this, the priest thought to himself: "if that's where ...

A cabbie and a priest die at the same time

... and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. peter looks at the cabbie's records and exclaims, "welcome to heaven good sir!" before giving him a golden silk robe and keys to a villa.

Looking at the spectacle in front of him, the priest thinks he's set. When he arrives, St. Peter looks at his c...

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Last night a cabbie asks me

Question 1: Lets say, If you were to wake up all alone in the middle of the night out in the woods with your butt covered in Vaseline; do you think you'd tell anyone?

Question 2: Do you want to camping with me this weekend?

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A priest dies and goes to heaven.

At the gate St. Peter gives him a small silver harp and says “Congratulations! You made it.” The priest heads on in and sees a cabbie with a giant gold harp. Outraged he goes to St. Peter and is like “What the fuck dude?! I’m a priest and I’ve only got this dinky silver harp? Why’s that cabbie get ...

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A nun gets into a cab

The cab driver sees her in the backseat and says "I have always had a fantasy about nuns."

She answers "you and everyone else! Are you a Catholic?"

Driver says yes, so she tells him to pull over.

She hops in the front seat and gives him the best blow job he ever had. She gets d...

The cab

A Jewish guy in New York City is in a cab. The cab is going down the street when the cabbie sees a guy on the sidewalk mugging a woman. The guy is hitting her and trying to grab her purse. The cabbie zooms to the side of the road and jumps out to go help the woman.

The Jewish guy rolls down t...

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A man is taking a taxi to the airport ...

when he realized he left his passport at home and must go back to get it. He reaches through the partition and gently taps the driver on his shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screams and losses control of the cab, jumping a curb, nearly hitting a tree and several pedestrians, finally...

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A Priest Dies and Goes to Heaven...

A priest dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says to him, "Welcome to Heaven; for your devout service to God, we have your accommodations ready."

It was a one room shack. His neighbor, a cab driver, had a stately mansion.

Weeks go by, and the priest seeks out St. ...

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Passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder

The driver shifts himself, swerves, nearly hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window.

Fuck me, your jumpy aren't you? I only tapped your shoulder.

Sorry says the cabbie it's my first day. I've been driving a fucking hearse for the last 20 years

Two men are traveling to Australia....

Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the two men catch a cab to their hotel.
When they reach their destination, the cabbie s...

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I had a rough time in Vegas last year and ended up losing all my money.

It was time to get back home, but I'd lost so much money, I couldn't afford to pay for a cab to the airport.

When I asked the only cabbie on the strip for a little mercy, and vowed to pay wire him the cash, or to give him the rolex on my wrist, he laughed, and spat in my face.

I did...

Contributions count!

One day a NYC cabbie and a pastor reach the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter welcomes them, informs them about heaven and tells them he will escort them to their accommodations.


They walk to the cabbies place first and it's a palace, massive, with turrents and towers and 100 help...

A Nun has to take a cab

She gets into the cab and gives the driver the address she needs to go to.

About half way through the drive the cabbie looks at the Nun through the rearview mirror and says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to kiss a Nun.”

The Nun looks thoughtful for a moment before responding, “Are you...

Posh & Becks were in a cab in NY

Posh & Becks caught a cab outside JFK airport after a long flight from London and the cabbie was delighted when he realised who it was.
"You're David Beckham!" he exclaimed "Nice to meet you!"
"Thanks" said David "nice to meet you too".
During the ride the converstation turned to ...

A lawyer is parking his BMW...

A lawyer is parking his BMW outside a store in Manhattan, and as he opens his door to get out a taxi sides wipes his car taking the whole door off.

The lawyer hops out and starts screaming at the cab driver, "You idiot, you hit my brand new BMW, you ripped the whole door off! Do you have any...

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A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What a...

A man gets off the plane

in a country he has never been before. He steps out the airport and hails a cab.

Once he's in and tells the address, the cabbie starts driving like a lunatic. The man starts grabbing his seat while the cabbie does dangerous movements.

When they come across a red light, and the cabbie d...

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A priest is taking a cab home from church

A priest is taking a cab home from church after a long day of services. It's night and it's raining heavily. Suddenly the taxi hits a pothole. The driver mutters under his breath "Fuck!" Seconds later, they hit another pothole and the driver says "Shit!" The priest has finally had enough,

"So...

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taxi cab

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.

Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else u...

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A nun gets into a cab

As she's riding along, she notices the cabbie keeps eyeing her in the mirror. "Is something the matter?" She asks. Embarrassed the cabbie answers, " Well sister, I only have a few months left to live, and I've always fantasized about having sex with a nun. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be forward, but ...

A nun hails a taxi cab...

...as she settles into her seat she notices the taxi driver sneaking peaks at her through the rear-view mirror. She says, "my son, can I help you with something?" He says, "sister, I have to admit, I've had this fantasy of...kissing a nun". She replies, "Oh, my son, I can help you with that as long ...

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An American man and his son went on vacation to Finland.

When they arrived, a cab driver greeted them at the airport. "What should we do on our first day here," the father asked his son, excitedly. The driver interjected, "Well, if you're not natives, I'd suggest the roller coaster that teaches your or language." Confused, the father and son look at one a...

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A man goes to the psychiatrist and tells him that every day he passes a delicatessen.

In the window of the deli is a pickle slicer, slicing pickles. He tells the doctor that he has this urge, every time he passes, to put his
penis in the pickle slicer.

The shrink calms him down and asks him a little more about himself, trying to talk him out of it. He suggests he take a ...

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This tourist from Japan comes to India.

For sightseeing purposes, he got on a cab. The cab driver took him to The Taj Mahal and proudly said, "This is the Taj Mahal. It took 6000 people 6 years to be built."
The tourist, unimpressed, says "6 fucking years? We can build something like this in 6 months."
The cab driver got a bit upset...

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A guy from Nebraska goes to New York for the first time.

He's so excited, he's never been outside of Nebraska. He gets to La Guardia, and immediately tells a cabbie to take him to the Empire State Building (as he's always wanted to see it in real life). So they pull up to and he goes inside and gets on the elevator to the top of the building. He goes u...

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Vale Road," answered the wo...

Old man enters a bar and starts knocking back vodka shots, one after the other, until his lights slowly start to dim.

The bartender, who was also a friend, tells him to take it easy, go home, that he's had enough. Refusing, he goes on until eventually the friend convinced him.

'I'm going home!'

As expected, as soon as he leaves from the bartop, he falls flat on his face, eventually dragging himself hi...

FACTS OF LIFE

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in the big city. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several scantily dressed women loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother...

Naked cab ride

Driving down the street a cabbie spots a naked woman flagging him down.He stops and picks her up. Where to? he asks and she gives him an address across town. They head off. After a couple of minutes he has to ask, Lady you ain't got no clothes on so you ain't got no money. How you gonna pay for the...

Pouring rain, New York City. A drunk hails a cab.

Cabbie rolls down the windo, the drunk man says "hey mister, do you gave room for half a chicken and a six-pack in here"?

Annoyed, the cabbie says "sure"

the drunk says BLUGHHHHHH

A man walks out of his office during a thundershower...

and, lo and behold, there's an empty taxi right there! He hops in and remarks to the driver how lucky he is to get a taxi in such weather. The cabbie turns to him and says, "You obviously have perfect timing...just like Sheldon."
"Who?"
"Sheldon Schwartz. Now that guy was a guy who did everyth...

A joke from my great uncle

A nun is walking through the city and hails a taxi cab. The nun gets in a cab, and after a few minutes the cabbie says "It's been a while since I've passionately kissed a woman, would you be willing to kiss me, sister?" The nun asks "Are you single and catholic? If you are there shouldn't be a probl...

How many times is this guy going to fall down the stairs?

Until he sticks the landing. Full story---> I could hardly sleep last night because two of my tenants were up all night drinking and taking their medicine. As he was trying to take a cab to his doctors appointment, he fell down the stairs. I didnt want to move him in case his head or neck was ...

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An English man visits America, hoping to hear a joke...

He spends a week in New York, going to comedy shows, asking people on the street, spending hours and hours in bars waiting for someone interesting to walk in, but never manages to hear one he's never heard before.

He gets a cab to go to the airport and the cabbie asks him, "Why the long face...

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Twist at the end (NSFW)

A guy visits a strange town on a business trip and is very horny. He decides to ask his cab driver where he can find a prostitute so his cabbie drives him to what he calls the "best hooker in town". The guys goes up the the hooker and asks, "How much for a hand job?" The hooker replies, "$1000." The...

A man returning home a day early from a business trip . . .

. . . got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.

The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights p...

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In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

3 drunk men

Three men hail a taxi. The driver—seeing that they’re drunk—decides to pull a fast one. So he switches the engine on, then quickly switches it off and announces, “We’re here!”
The first guy hands him the fare, the second guy says, “Thanks,” but the third guy angrily smacks the
cabbie’s head....

Tense, moody joke

Guy lands at Logan, hops a cab, and says to the driver, "Well now that i'm in Boston, where can I get scrod?" Cabbie says, "You know, I've heard that question a thousand times, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."

I believe the children are our future

and they should be praised and nurtured because they are the bus drivers and cabbies of tomorrow, and I drink a lot.

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