Barkeep Jokes - 123 Hilarious Barkeep Jokes

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

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Guy walks into a bar and yells, "Hey barkeep, how about a round of drinks for everyone here before the shit starts?"

Everyone cheers. Bartender says ok, and pours a round of beers for the whole bar.

A little while later the guy yells again, "Hey barkeep, how about another round of drinks before the shit starts?"

Everyone cheers louder. Bartender says ok, and pours another round of beers for the whol...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

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A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.

While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks...

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A Nazi goes to a bar...

A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.

"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."

Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amu...

Three logicians walk into a bar.

The barkeeper asks: "Do you all want beer?"

The first one answers: "I don't know."

The second one answers: "I don't know."

The third one answers: "Yes!"

Jesus walks into a bar, hands the barkeep 3 nails and says.

“Can you put me up for the night?”

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A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

A infinite number of mathematicians go into a bar...

The first one orders one beer. The second one half of a beer. The next a quarter, the next one eighth, and so on...
The barkeeper is very annoyed and gives all of them together two beer.

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

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An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.

"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.

The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.

"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"

The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, every...

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

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A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says,

"If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"

The barkeeper says, "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chipmunk and places him behind the piano. The chipmunk starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard...

A guy looks at his friend, puts up his hand and says "barkeep!"

While the two of them laugh, another friend who saw this says "I don't get it, what's so funny?"

The first guy answers "you wouldn't get it, it's an inn joke..."

The gas Argon walks into a bar. The barkeeper says "What would you like to drink?"

But Argon doesn't react.

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

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A group of guys walk into a new bar for the first time. The barkeep asks what they will be having tonight. [L]

The first guy orders a whiskey coke. The bartender without hesitation hands the man a chilled apple. The man confused by this asks why he is getting the apple. The bartender insists that he takes a bite out of it.

The man chomps into it and exclaims, “Wow! This tastes just like my favorite wh...

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

So, a bear walks into a bar.

The barkeep says, "What'll it be, sir?"
The bear replies,"I'll have a .. ... .... ..rum and Coke."
to which the barkeep asks,"What's with the big pause?"
The bear looks down a bit confused and answers, "I dunno, I guess I was born with them?"

A windmill walks into a bar

And orders a MaCallan neat. The barkeep says, “ah I see you like Scotch”

The windmill replies, “yeah I’m a pretty big fan”

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A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

A stranger rides into a Wild West town and finds it deserted.

All except the saloon, so when he's hitched his hoss to the rail he goes in, orders a beer, and says to the barkeep "Say, where is everyone?"

"They've all gone to hang the Brown Paper Kid," says the barkeep.

" 'Brown Paper Kid' ain't no kinda name for a man," says the newcomer. "What d...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefor I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch...

As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"

"I walked over to my wife, look...

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NSFW: Guy walks into a bar and sees a monkey by the barkeep

"Hey keep I'll have what's on tap, and what's with the monkey"

"Watch this." The bartender then holds up one finger and the monkey jumps in to action. He gets a mug, fills it with the tap beer and gives it to the man.

"Holy cow" the man says, "That's amazing does he do any other tricks...

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."

"And, cushions would have rectal the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."

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A man walked into a bar and asked the barkeeper if they had prostitutes.

The barkeeper said: „No we don‘t, but we have Eugene.“

The man asked if he was serious and the barkeeper answered that Eugene would provide a full service for just 100$.

The man thought what the heck and decided to go for it.

He asked the barkeeper if he just should give 100$ t...

A horse walks into a bar. The Barkeeper looks up and asks "Hello Mr. Horse, why the long face?"

The horse looks to the floor with a sad expression and answers: "My alcoholism is tearing my family apart."

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the barkeeper: 'Are there any brothels around? I am so fucking horny right now.'

The barkeeper says: 'Well, there are no brothels here, but we have Steve.'

The man says: 'Doesn't matter. How much?'

'80 bucks', says the barkeeper.

'So, how does it work? Do I give S...

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A duck walks into a bar and just fucking screams at the barkeep.Give me a fucking jack and coke you fucking stupid ugly motherfucker.

Whoa there partner, capitulates the tender of fine libations...whats with the fowl language?

A man walks into a bar

He sits at the bar and orders a drink, and looks around. There's only one other man at the bar, so he decides to sit next to him and strike up a conversation.

"So, there, where do you do for a living?"

"Ah, I'm just a simple farmer."

"No fooling? I'm a farmer too. Barkeep! B...

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Jim, tired of bustling city life, moves to a remote town in Alaska.

He loves the natural environment, exploring and fishing, and the quiet tranquility of his new home.

However, one thing he notices, to his dismay, is that there are no women in his new town.

He goes to the local bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender about the conspicuous lack ...

Three CEO's from different beer companies are sitting at a bar...

And the one from Bud light says, "Alright barkeep, give me a tall glass of bud light!" And then the second one, from Miller light says, "ok barkeep, serve me a nice bottle of cold miller light!" And then the CEO of Guinness says, well, "I suppose I'll have a glass of Coca-Cola." The other two tu...

A man walks into a pub and orders three pints

A man walks into a pub alone and orders three pints. The barkeep looks at him oddly and tells him "You know a pint starts to go flat as soon as it's poured."

The man nods and replies "Of course, but me and my two college mates used to go out drinking together all the time. The last time befor...

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A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

My Favorite Cowboy Joke

A cowboy walks into a bar. He says to the barkeep, “I’ll have a shot of your best tequila.”

The bartender serves him the tequila and he knocks it back, slams the shot glass on the bar, and shouts, “T.G.I.F.”

A Latino man, sitting across the bar from the cowboy, orders a shot of the sam...

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H*tler and Mussolini are sitting at a bar.

A guy walks into the bar and asks the barkeeper "Aren't those two H*tler and Mussolini?" Barkeeper confirms. The guy sits next to them and asks:

-What are you guys doing?

H*tler answers:

-We're planning WW3

-Oh really? What will happen?

-We will kill 15m Jews and ...

Corny Peanuts.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice agai...

A man with no arms no legs and no torso goes to a bar on his 21st birthday

As it is 21st birthday he decides to go to a bar with his family and get his first beer.

The barkeep pours the beer into the man’s mouth and magically, to his amazement, he grows a torso. The man so stunned and happy decides to go and buy another beer.

The barkeep again pours the bee...

Duck walks into a bar

So then the duck decided to walk into a bar. It went up to the barkeeper and asked, "Got any bread?"

The barkeeper looked at the duck and responded, "No, we got no bread."

So the duck asked again, "Got any bread?"

"No, we don't got no bread." the barkeeper said.

The duck ...

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An Englishman, an Scotchman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

They each order a beer. The barkeep brings them each a beer, and there happens to be a fly in each one. The Englishmen, a bit put off, says "Sir there's a fly in my beer, I'll need a fresh one please." The Scotchman, undeterred shrugs and says "I won't be letting a fly ruin me enjoying my beer!" ...

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a drink...

The barkeeper doesn‘t know what to do, so he goes to his boss. The boss never had a gorilla in his bar and he doesn‘t want his bar to becoma a favorite place for gorillas but on the other hand, he doesn‘t want to make the gorilla angry. So he says to the barkeeper: “Serve him but charge him $30. May...

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder…

The barkeep greets him, and says, “Cool newt! What’s its name?”

The man responds, “His name is Tiny”

The barkeep asks, “why is it called tiny?”

The man answers, “Because he’s my-newt”

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

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An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman...

...sit down at a pub and each order a Guinness. As the foam is settling, a fly happens to land in each of their glasses.

Put off by this, and accustomed to a more civilised way of drinking, the posh Englishman politely asks the barkeep for another pint.

The Scottsman, a bit more roug...

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A man that works in a pickle factory walked into his local pub after work wearing a hospital wristband. "Did you have an accident at work today?" the barkeep asked. "Yes, I put my penis in the pickle slicer," the man replied...

"Her husband caught us"

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

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Two brothers walk into a bar

"I'm sorry Seamus, you're barred from last time" said the barkeep, "but Patrick can come in."

So Patrick winks at his brother, and walks up to the bar alone.

"Two pints please". The barkeep pours him the beers, and Patrick takes them both outside, only to come back barely a minute la...

A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising "World famous punch!"

The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!"

He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"

The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."

The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

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Adam goes to a bar

Adam goes into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll ya have, fella?"

Adam says, "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda."

Barkeep fills the order, hands it to Adam, who says "th-th-th-th-th-thanks."

Barkeep leans over the counter, motions to Adam, looks left & righ...

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Mean Drunk!

One day two guys go to a bar on the 100th floor of a building. It's a pretty fancy and famous place you'd go to tick it off the bucket list. A drunk approaches them

Drunk: You know what I can do, do ya?

Man1: Ummm, we want no trouble mister.

D: Nonsense no trouble I just wanted ...

A man and his dog walk into a bar...

The barkeep says, “Sorry, we don’t let animals in here.”

The man tells the barkeep, “But my dog can talk! Will you let him in if he talks?”

The barkeep lets out some chuckles and shakes his head. “Yeah, sure, whatever,” he says.

The man looks at his dog and smiles. “Alright! Wha...

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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

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A man is wandering around deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub...

The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.

"What can I get you?" he asks.

"I'll just have a beer," the man replies.

"We're all out of beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves!"

"What'...

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A Pirate Walks Into A Bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a massive steering wheel on his dick.

Confused the barkeep asks him,” You know you have a steering wheel on your dick, right?”

“Aye, it’s a drivin’ me nuts”.

Three beers

A man walks into a local bar. He's new in town, since the barkeeper knows everyone else there. The man sits down at a small table. The barkeeper approaches him and asks what he wants to order. He says "I'll have three beers please." The barkeeper says that he could bring them one after another but t...

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A man runs into a bar...

A man runs into a bar, and demands to the barkeep: "Quick! How tall do penguins grow?"

"About two foot sir" replies the bartender

"Shit. I've just run over a nun."

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Two guys walk into a bar

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."

The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could...

A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture

The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar.

I said ‘Mimics.’

The party laughed.

The barkeep laughed.

The table laughed.

We killed the table. Good times.

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A woman sits down at a bar and asks for a drink.

"I hear you have a drink that is guaranteed to be as good as an orgasm in my mouth or my money back, I'll have one of those."

The Barkeep mixes, stirs, shakes and pours and serves the young lady the drink.

The yound lady takes a sip and spits the drink on the floor.

"Ugh, this ...

Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.

“My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.

“I got in a tiff with Riley.”

“Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did" Kelly said, “A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in y...

A man rushes into a bar...

The young barkeep asks him what he wants.
"A whiskey, as quick as you can!"
The barkeep brings it to him and the man downs it straight away.
"Another! make it a double"
The barkeep once again obliges and the man downs it again.
"Bring me another double, and a triple chaser"
The bar...

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A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredibl...

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A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?”
The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.”
The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?”
“First, you have to drink this entire bo...

Renes Descartes goes into a bar

The barkeeper asks him: "You want a beer?"

Descartes agrees and after that he drinks many more.

Later when he is quite drunk he grabs his keys and moves towards his car.

The barkeeper stops him from entering the car and asks him: "Do you really think, driving your state is a goo...

A Piece Of String Walks Into A Bar...

He quickly notices a sign that says, "No String Allowed, We do not serve pieces of String."

Before anyone notices, he rushes to the bathroom and hides in a stall.

He messes himself up, makes himself look rough and tattered. Then he contorts his body into a twisted and uncomfortable pos...

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An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub…

… and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less...

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Told to me 40 years ago, by a 15 YO young lady.

Prospector comes into town. It's been 20 years since he's seen a woman. "Barkeep! gimme a whiskey!" He knocks it back and says, "Barkeep! whadda ya do fer wimmen in this town?"

"Well," the bartender replies,"we got Ole' Joe 'round back ... "

"Whoooooa! I don't go in fer that kinda ...

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A bartender walks into...

A bartender walks into a chemistry lab to drop off the yearly water sample. The lab guys are excited to have a visitor and even more since it’s a bartender. They invite him to their back room. One end is filled with huge bubbling fermentation flasks. The other is equally crammed with distillation ap...

A German 6 walks into a bar

The barkeep yells "hey, get out, we don't serve 6's here". The 6 leaves, does a headstand, and walks back into the bar on its hands. The barkeep yells over "aren't you the 6 that was just in here". The 6 replies "nein".

Mr. Flatery walks into a pub

Mr. Flatery walks into a pub, bartender looks up and says "That's quite a shiner you have there, who gave that to you?" "Mr. Falstaf gave it to me" he replied. "That's quite a bute, did he have anything in his hand when he gave that to you?" Asked the barkeep"Aye, he had a shovel in his hand, he did...

A panda walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a salad and drink. The food arrives, he eats it, pays for his meal and tips the barkeep. Then he pulls a pistol, fires a round into the air, and just walks out of the bar as though this were the most normal thing in the world.

A customer looks at the bar keep and says...

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Three Vampires and a Tavern

A vampire finds a tavern and wanders inside.

He goes up to the barkeep and says, “Gimme a goblet of warm blood”

Barkeep says, “What in the hell!?” , And puts a stake in the vampires heart.

Later, another Vampire walks in.
This one asks, “Give me a tankard of warm blood! Or I’...

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The bartender asks the first vampire what he’d like to drink and he replies, “a bloody Mary, of course.”

The bartender then asks the second bloodsucker what he wants.

“A dark glass of red. A cabernet, perhaps.”

Finally the barkeep makes his way to third vampire to find out wha...

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A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of ...

The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What can I get for you?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy, "O...

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A guys walks into a bar...

...and sits down at the bar. He orders a whiskey and begins to drink. He looks up and notices a monkey.

"What's with the monkey?" he asks the barkeep.

"Well, watch this." The bartender pulls a stick from behind the bar and whacks the monkey. The monkey climbs down and gives the bartend...

One morning, the new owner of a saloon was setting up his establishment for the day

He heard a commotion from the street and walked out to see people jumping onto their horses, climbing into buggies, or just running away.

"Hey," the owner called to one of the men. "What's going on?"

"You better run, barkeep," the man replied. "Big Ed's a'comin', and can't nobody sto...

A man walks into a bar

After being blinded by the bar lights, he finds a seat and asks the barkeep for a beer. The barkeep, responding gruffly, states that there is no beer. Annoyed, but still thirsty, the man asks for a shot of whiskey. The barkeep, responding gruffly, states that there is no liquor on the premises. Infu...

An artist, an engineer, and a scientist walk into a bar.

Thee barkeep says "What'll it be, Leonardo?"

A bald man walks into a bar...

He approaches the barkeeper and tells him

"I have something in my pocket that I will show you. If you swear you've never seen anything like it before, I'll have free drinks all night"

The barkeeper, in his mid fifties, who has clearly seen a lot in his life, agrees with a nod.

T...

Three shoelaces are walking down the sidewalk when they come across a bar

A sign sits in front of the bar which reads, “no shoelaces aloud” the first shoelace says, “no sign can stop me!” And makes his way into the bar, the barkeeper notices the shoelace, and says, “hey! You’re a shoelace, no shoelaces are aloud in my bar!” And he grabs the shoelace by the neck, and throw...

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A nun walks into a bar

Everyone else in the bar starts staring at her, but they were silent.

The nun is confused about it and starts walking towards the bartender.

"Hey uhm why are they staring at me like that?" she asks the bartender

"Well we don't usually get nuns around here" the barkeep replies...

A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink.

A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink. "Having a bad day?", the barkeep asks. "I guess you could say so. I just accidently time travelled back into the 20th century." "Really? What did you change?" "Oh heavens, nothing! I just went straight back to the present. Do y...

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A three legged man walked into a bar after a long day

He sat down at the bar and after a few drinks he still had hardly spoken to anyone. The barkeeper was getting curious about this man's story, so he came over and said, "I've seen a lot of shit here in Florida, but I have to admit that I've never seen anyone like you. What's your story?"

The m...

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Guy Walks into a Bar

Sits down and order 10 shots of Jack. Barkeep lines them up, and our guy starts knocking them back, one after the other. Bartender asks "Why are you drinking them like that? What's the hurry?" Guy says "No hurry; I'm just celebrating my first blowjob." Barkeep says "Hey, that's great! I'll get you o...

A man walks into a bar on the roof of a 4 story building after a long day at work

He sits down at the bar and the barkeep asks "Hi, mate. Same as usual?"

"I've had a hard day and I think I want something different this time. Let me have a browse and get back to me?" the man responded. "no worries pal, take your time, we've got plenty." replied the barkeep.

A voice s...

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No beers to bears in bars in Boise.

A bear walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer. To which the barkeep points over his shoulder at a sign reading, "It is illegal to serve if you are already intoxicated. It is illegal to serve minors. It is illegal to serve beer to bears in bars in Boise."

The bear says, "If you do...

A kangaroo walks into a bar

And orders an espresso martini.
While the Barkeeper serves the drink to the kangaroo another customer remarks:
"don't you find it weird that a kangaroo walks into a bar and orders an espresso martini?"

"Yes, normally he wants ginger beer."

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Squeeze

The local barkeep was so sure that he was the strongest man around that he offered a standing $1000 bet. The barkeep would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many peop...

A cowboy walks into a deserted bar...

He sidles up and says, "whiskey, barkeep."

The bartender gives him a whiskey, and the cowboy sips in silence. He looks up and says, "Man. It is *dead* in here. Where the hell is everyone?"

And the barkeep says, "Oh, everyone is out at the hangin'!"

"Well I'll be. Who...

A man walks into a bar

sits down and says to the barkeep "I need a shot and a beer before the fight." Barkeep obliges the man with a drink. The man says to the barkeep " I need another shot and a before the fight." Barkeep thinks to himself, this must be a bad fight, and gives the man another shot and beer. The man downs ...

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A bear walks into a bar...

He bruskly orders a beer.

Barkeep blares, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."

Bear replies, "Barkeep, please; just a beer..."

"We don't. Serve beers. To bears. In Biloxi."

Bear bends in, motions barkeep to do the same, "You see that woman at the end of the bar? ...

A man comes in a bar everyday for a couple of weeks, orders 2 shots of whiskey and leaves...

One day the barkeeper asked him why he never wants to drink something else? The man replied: „My best friend moved to australia a couple of weeks ago and we both decided to go to a bar everyday and drink 2 shots of whiskey so it‘s like we’re drinking them together.“ The barkeeper was amazed and said...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He takes a sip, then spits it out. "I paid for vodka, but this is water! Gimme my money back or I'll sue you!"

"How?" the barkeep chuckles. "You have zero proof."

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

A gorilla walks into a bar

The gorilla walks past the barkeeper and takes a seat.
The Barkeeper is confused and scared at the same time.
*"A gorilla in my bar? Well thats not happening very often..."* thinks the barkeeper and starts shaking
Then the gorilla stands up, goes to the bar and says "I would like to h...

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The barkeep obliges, brings a drink for the pirate, and he notices there is a steering wheel in the pirates pants.

The barkeep was too curious to not inquire what was going on. "Excuse me sir, can I ask why there is a steering wheel in ...

Big Joe

A guy runs into a bar. "I'll have a vodka tonic, but make it snappy!" he says to the bartender.

The barkeep hands him his drink. The guy throws a twenty down and says, "Keep the change. I gotta get out of here, Big Joe's coming!"

Hearing this, patrons all over the bar frantically get u...

So this guy enters a bar and asks for three pints of beer

G: Guy BK:Barkeeper

G: "Good evening, I'll have 3 pints of beer please"

BK: "Hello sir, absolutely, expecting some company?"

G: "Actually, I'm drinking three pints of beer in the name of my two brothers that lost their lives in the war, so it's one for me, one for Matt and one ...

Fast

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.The bartender looks at the guy and asks: What's wrong with your turtle? Not a thing, the man responds, this beat up turt...

A group of 6 Irish professors and researchers walk into a bar one night...

They have a good old-time drinking, discussing theory, students and their mistakes, current research ideas, and anything and everything in between.

One researcher, who appears to be the leader of this group, orders a round of drinks for everyone and introduces himself to the barkeep as Arthu...

A man with a harelip sits down at the bar

“Bartender, one thcoth and thoda, please”, he says. “One thcoth and thoda, comin’ up”, says the barkeep. “Hey!” says the guy with the harelip, “are you teathin’ me?” “No way!” says the bartender, “thath juth the way I talk!”. Another guy comes in and sits down. “I’d like a scotch and soda, please”. ...

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A gentleman walks up to the bar.

He spots a pint glass at the other end of a fairly long bar.

"Hey, barkeep," he says. "I bet you £1000 that I can piss into that pint glass from here."

The barkeep isn't usually a betting sort of fellow, but he takes a look at how far away the glass is, and accepts the gentleman's bet...

This woman walks into a bar.

She has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits.
She sits down raises her arm and says,"Bartender I would like a drink."
Theres an old drunk sitting next to her.
Slurring he says,"Barkeep I would like to buy the ballerina a drink."
She accepts,drinks it,raises her arm again to get...

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fumin...

A rabbi, priest, and an imam walk into a bar.

"Never mind, you guys wouldn't get it," the barkeep says.

A bear walked into a bar...

Looked about the crowded bar and didn't see anywhere to sit. A young woman caught his eye, they exchanged smiles and he walked over to her. Just as she opened her mouth to say hi he mauled and ate her.

He looked up to the bartender and said "Barkeep, I'd like a large Guinness."

The bar...

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A man is in a bar drinking

He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He tells the barkeep in his drunken stupor, "I'm in trouble now man, if my wife finds out i got so drunk that i puked on my shirt, she'll kill me!" The barkeep says, "don't worry man, here's what you do, you take a $10 dollar bill and put it in your...

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The Saloon NSFW

After a long night on the ranch this Ranch Hand decides to go to the saloon. When he gets there he realizes all his favorites are taking for the night so he ask the barkeep

"hey is there anyone free at the moment".

the barkeep replies

"all I got right now son is old granny". <...

A man walks into a bar ...

And proceeds to order a beer. The bartender says, "Sure, that'll be 25 cents please". The man almost spits out his beer in shock.

"Wow, 25 cents! I'll get some chicken wings too!"

The bartender replies, "That'll be 30 cents!"

"Where is the owner", asks the man, "I want to shake...

A weasel, he walks into a bar

The barkeep is astonished
“A weasel! Wow! What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.

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A man walks into a bar with his pet gorilla.

The man walks in with his leashed pet gorilla and sits at the counter. The man asked the barkeeper whether it is okay to unleash the gorilla, in which the barkeeper agreed as the gorilla seemed to be very calm. The man then unleashed the gorilla and the gorilla walks off around the bar.

Firs...

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I gotcha 3 wishes...

Into my pub one evening, strolled the craziest sight to behold for a Saturday night. This classy looking rolled/player walked to my counter with a gorgeous lady on his right arm, a younger looking woman on his left arm and a leprechaun on his shoulder.

Roller: Barkeep, bring a martini for ea...

A guy with a cleft lip walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender,
''eckpshkoosh me spshir, may I have a drink?''
To which the barkeep replies in a similar manner,
''Why spshertainly, what would you like?''
A little off put, our friend orders a beer and sits at the end of the bar as another customer walks in, and with perfect arti...

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

A man walked into a bar and sat down

A man walked into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said “beautiful shirt“.
At this, the ...

Why you don't want to drink too much beer.

A man walks into a bar one evening and has a seat. The bartender walks up to the man...
"Whatcha drinkin stranger?"
"Gimme anything except Budweiser." said the man.
Barkeep gives the guy a Coors Light and keeps to his duties. 10 minutes goes by and the man orders another drink.
"Anything...

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A cowboy is new in town and enters a saloon...

he goes straight to the barkeeper, sits down and asks him to tell him the names of the other cowboys in town as they enter the saloon in order to get to know them.

The doors opens, a cowboy enters with like carrying like 5 pistols. The barkeeper tells him: "That's Pistolbill!".
Interested...

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An infamous stud with a long list of conquests...

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop...

Blind guy walks into a bar. He sits down, orders a beer and after a while asks the bartender if she wants to hear a blonde joke.

The barkeep replies, "Before you say anything else, you should probably know that I'm a blonde. So is the woman sitting next to you. There are also a couple of blondes playing pool behind you, one of them is twice your size. So, you still wanna tell the joke?" The blind guy pauses for a second, then...

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