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Hostess Jokes

Restaurant hostess: Do you have reservations?

RestaurMe: No, I’m confident I want to eat here.

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Pilot left his microphone on.

After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot
' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'.

An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone.

When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.

Air hostess: Sir, would you like some head-phones?

Passenger: Sure. But how did u know that my name was Phones.

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of...

I got a job as a regional distributor for Hostess snack cakes...

I got Ho-Hos in different area codes.

The owner of hostess just brought the playboy mansion

Guess he really liked ho-hos and ding dongs

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.



The hostess leave...

Why is everyone so mad at me? I was told to bring a “Hostess” gift to the party…

…I brought a DOZEN Twinkies.

Hostess: Tea or coffee?

Coffee please.

No, it's tea.

A hostess asks his guest: "How many cookies would you like?"

"Just one will be enough, thank you."
"Oh, come on, you don't have to be polite."
"All right, then give me a cookie you fat cow!"

Air Hostess with a tag.

Air Hostess had name tag on her chest, naming her Mia.

Guy: Beautiful name.

Air hostess: Thanks.

Guy: Didn't you name the other one?

Did you hear about the guy that worked for Hostess bakery and tried unsuccessfully to get a job at Tropicana?

Everyone knows that bakers can't be juicers.

I wrote a movie about a male sheep and his son enjoying a Hostess pastry.

I call it

*Ram, a Lamb, a Ding Dong*

Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he...

Why are air hostesses bad at dating?

Most men aren't interested in **plane** women.

The hostess said my name wasn’t on the list

but I had my reservations

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A man is jacking off on a plane

There are no other people in his row as the plane is relatively empty. So he's been going at it for a couple of minutes now, but suddenly an air hostess catches him red handed.
"Sir! This is not appropriate behaviour! Please stop this act immediately!"
"No way woman! I'm right about to ejacula...

Michael Caine was making a movie in the Philippines …

… and he was invited to a posh party in an expensive house in Manila. While he was being introduced to the other guests in the party and getting a drink, he noticed that the hostess was looking at him rather nastily. He was perplexed as he had never met her before and was a guest at her house.
...

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A jet took off for the long flight from Sydney to Perth...

As it got to cruising height the pilot finished his spiel but forgot to turn the microphone off. He turned to his co-pilot and said: "You hold the plane while I take a massive dump, and then I'm going to screw that hostess".


Hearing this the hostess ran to the cockpit in order to tell t...

A rich society hostess gives a dinner for a number of businessmen.

Unfortunately she suffers from flatulence. The first time she 'toots' one of the gentlemen gets up and says pardon me ma'am and leaves the room. The next time she 'toots' another gentleman does the same. An American turns to his British colleague and says 'What gives - she keeps farting and guys lea...

A man from Alabama goes out to dinner...

He takes his wife, mother, aunt, grandmother, sister and niece.

They walk in and they walk up to the hostess station.

The hostess goes, "Hi, y'all. Will it just be the two of you tonight?"

The air hostess has just told me if I don’t put my phone away, she’s going to slam my head into it.

But I’m pretty sure she’s just jokiNjdk$48(‘$76)?;;

An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on a plane

The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic ...

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This is an old one. RIP Pillsbury Doughboy

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was...

Photos

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really del...

Couple goes into a restaurant

The man to the hostess: Can we have a table for 2 please?

Hostess: I’m sorry but you’re going to have to wait

Man: Ok, may I take your order?

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Costume party

The hostess sends out an invitation for a costume party: "Come dressed as an emotion!"

The first guest shows up wearing a pink lycra costume with just some tassels around the private parts. The hostess asks : "What emotion are you?" The guest replies : "I'm tickled pink!"

The second ...

I brought cake and candy to my son's birthday celebration.

And that, officer, is why I told the hostess at Chuck E. Cheese's that I was the sugar daddy looking for my party boy.

Me and my wife were arrived at a popular restaurant

It was quite crowded, so my wife went up to the hostess and asked "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring her, kept writing in her book. My wife again asked, "How much of a wait?" The woman looked up, "About 10 minutes." A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B...

Timothy goes to a birthday party

A little boy named Timothy goes to a birthday party with his father. When he arrives, the hostess asks him, "How are you, Timmy?"

Timothy replies, "I'm good."

"I think you have the wrong word there," the host chuckles, wanting to correct his grammar.

"Eh, whatever," Timothy shru...

.......but we try to have a few outside interests as well.’

A woman from Chicago attended a party in New York where
the hostess was determined to make her mid-west guest feel
cheap and unimportant.
‘My dear,’ said the New York matron snobbishly, ‘here in the
east we think breeding is everything.’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the Chicago woman. ‘Wh...

A pilot is flying a plane and shortly after mid-air announcement , forgets to turn off the mic.

He then mentions to his copilot : "I am dating that cute air hostess. After we land , we will go to the hotel and bang. "
The air hostess after hearing this runs towards the front of the plane at full speed to tell the pilot to turn off the mic and hits a blind man's stick and falls down.
The ...

So a kid gets on a plane for the first time

and he is really excited about it. He is sitting inside the plane mid-flight when he finds out the plane's a Boeing. So he starts saying "Boeing.. Boeing.. Boeing.."

After a while when he doesn't stop the passengers start getting irritated, and the hostess comes along and tells the boy "Be Si...

Jesus and his apostles go to a restaurant...

"Table for 26, please," Jesus tells the hostess. "But there are only 13 of you." "Yeah, but we're all going to sit on one side of the table."

Flight 423

This is Captain Max Dominguez speaking, on behalf of my crew and me, I’d like to welcome you on board of the flight EY 423 from the Philippines to Abu Dhabi. "We are in the air 36,000 feet above the Pacific Ocean. If you you look outside a window, you will see that the wing has fallen off and the en...

‪I once ate a Danish pastry.

She’s an air hostess..‬

Except for that one guy.

An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for and emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the air hostess if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All ready back here, Captain," came...

A man walks into a restaurant

And sees three steaks hanging from the cieling, about 10 feet in the air.
He looks at the hostess and asks, "what's the deal with the steaks?"
The hostess grins at him and says "It's part of a new special, if you can jump up and grab all three before hitting the ground, your dinner is free!"<...

Mr. Smith found a doppelganger of his wife.

Mr smith to Air hostess - you look exactly like my wife.

*Air hostess feeling a bit agitated by that remark slapped him.

Mr. Smith - what sheer coincidence, even the habits match too.

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A plane made an emergency landing on water...

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The Air Hostess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused; so she asked the captain to help. The captain being knowledgeable and experienced, guided her:
1. Tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE.
2. Tell the Br...

What are Jehovah Witnesses' favorite dessert?

Hostess Ding Dongs!

What’s the funniest joke you’ve read on Reddit.

I'll go first:
Once on a plane full of Redditors, one guy suddenly starts choking and the air hostess asks if there was a doctor on-board.

Immediately, three people stand up and go, "I'm not a doctor but ..."

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Somebody is throwing an emotions party...

Somebody is throwing an emotions party (i.e., a party for which guests are supposed to dress up as emotions), and the hostess has included two Jamaican guys on her invitation list. The doorbell rings, the hostess answers the door, and it’s a guest in a green devil outfit. The guest says, “I’m envy,”...

A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker walk into a restaurant in France

The hostess says “excuse me, due to a Mad Cow Disease there is a shortage of steak so we currently don’t have any.”

The Texan says “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says “What’s a steak

The New Yorker says “What’s excuse me?”

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A woman is having a party and tells all the guests to dress as a feeling.

The first person shows up all dressed in green with his face painted green. The hostess says, "I see you are green with envy. Come on in."

The second guest is a woman who is dressed in blue with a blue wig. The hostess says, "I see you're blue - you're sad. Come in!"

Later, the hos...

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The confession.

A guy goes in a confessional and tells the priest that last night he meet 4 swedish air hostesses down the pub, went back to their place, snorted coke, drank 20 year old scotch and had sex all night until the sun came up.


The priest says, "that's terrible my son, what kind of a catholic a...

Ok, here's a really bad one

This one I've herd visiting Kiev before the shutdown:

The guy walks in a brothel and asks a hostess:
- Hi, I need a girl
- Ok, it's 50$ for 1 hour
- I don't have that much, do you have anything for 10$?
- Yes, let's go outside

They go around the brothel, a hostess places a ...

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This man is kind of bored so he goes to this exotic brothel he heard about...

When he gets there, the hostess talks to him about what he likes for a few minutes, and then, sensing he is open-minded, says, "we have something special today... it's not for everyone, but I think you might like it."

"What is it?" he asks, intrigued.

"It's a chicken that gives blowjo...

A panda walked into the restaurant where I work as a server.

He came in, found a table and sat down. Hesitantly, I approached and took his order. He ordered sooo much food. He ordered at least one of every entree. I faithfully took notes and read them back to him. Satisfied, he sent me away to give the orders to the kitchen staff.
I took a detour to ask m...

A senator, a chancellor, a Sith Lord, and the First Galactic Emperor walk into a restaurant.

The hostess says, “table for one?”

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Big Shit

On a BA flight from Delhi to London, the pilot comes over the public address system, and tells passengers at what altitude they will be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, the pilot...

Man to very beautiful airhostess:-

"What's your name?"

Air hostess:- "Eva Benz.."

Man :- "Lovely name...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"

Air hostess:- (smiling) "maintenance cost is same" :D

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I had just finished a delicious meal at my favorite restaurant.

I walked out to my car in the parking deck, but realized I had forgotten to ask the restaurant to validate my parking.

Being a cheapskate, I walked all the way back to the restaurant, just to save a few bucks. I walked up to the hostess and asked "could you please validate me?"

She re...

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So a Cherokee family and a White family pull into a restaurant..

White dad sees the Cherokee family coming up behind them and purposely let's the door close being a dick instead of holding it politely.

Cherokee dad shrugs it off and holds it for his family and follows the White family in. But upon getting to the line the Cherokee dad walks right past the ...

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate.

The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: ...

The best compliment.

Once at a party, the hostess paid me a nice compliment. “You are a good-looking guy,” she said. “Honest! I’ve had only one shot of vodka.” she said, looking at my bemused expression.

My glow was only slightly dimmed when my wife interjected, “Imagine how great he’ll look after two.”

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A little girl is getting a haircut in a barbershop.

About halfway through, she pulls a Hostess pastry out of her pocket, unwraps it, and begins eating.
The barber warns her, "Honey, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie..."
She beams up at him and says, "I know! I'm gonna get tits, too!"

The search for the Pacific Ocean

9 years ago, a teacher asked a kid if he knew where the pacific ocean was. He replied, "No miss! I'm not aware of the location of the pacific ocean." The teacher furious, asked him to get out and not come back to his class till he knew the location of the pacific ocean.

The boy, distraught, y...

Christ, party of 13

Jesus and company arrive at the restaurant where they will enjoy their final meal together.

He tells the hostess they will need a space that can seat 26. Only counting 13, she asks why they need such a big table.

With a shrug, Jesus replies: "We like to sit on the same side."

Church bake sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying ...

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The Football Team

A football team was travelling on a plane to South America to attend to an important game.



In mid flight, the captain notices that the airplane starts shaking a lot; so he calls the hostess to the cockpit and asks her:



"- What's going on back there?!"



"-...

How many restaurant managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One sitting in the back office looking at Reddit, one smoking a cigarette with the chef behind the kitchen and one sitting at the bar who will tell the hostess to ask a server to find a busser to change the light.

A joke from a co-worker of mine

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a Trump joke.The bartender responds,"look, I am a Trump supporter the owner is also a Trump supporter and the hostess that's seated you is a trump supporter are you still sure you want to tell the joke". The guy responds, "Well, no. N...

Two friends: a christian arab, and his indian friend were on a plane

Suddenly there was a turbulance and the captain announces “ this is the captain, I am sorry to inform you that we have technical problems with one engine and we need to loose some weight “ the passengers were upset when he continued “ we’ll be fair with everyone: Africans and asians we need you to ...

A flight from Dublin to Boston

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said t...

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

I went to a dinner and when I came back my friend asked me how it was.

"It would have been great if the wine had been as cold as the soup, the beef as rare as the service, the brandy as old as the fish, the fish as fresh as the maid, and the maid as willing as the Hostess!”

My favorite Finnish joke

Pekka is at a party in a tall building in the great city of Helsinki, which is quite different from the small timber cabin in the forest he is used to as a lumberjack. Pekka is enjoying the party, but after a few bottles of the moonshine he brought, Pekka finds himself in the need of a toilet. He as...

I wish restaurant food

looked like the pictures on the menu.
A hostess asked me how everything was.
I said, "My compliments to the photographer."

TIFU by offering a homeless guy to fly for the rest of his life

As a show of goodwill, I told a homeless guy I would fullfill whatever wish he had.

He told me he would like to fly in my chartered plane once, while being served by gorgeous hostesses.

I obliged. While travelling in the plane, he was enjoing with the finest wine and the finest ladies ...

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A visit to the pope

A man walks into the barber's and says "I don't mind what you do so long as it looks smart, I'm going to see the pope".

"Oh not the pope! He's done nothing for the faith. I went to see him a while ago and he never even appeared. They said he wasn't feeling well. Pathetic if you ask me, lett...

The excited blonde .

A blonde went to Brisbane for first time.. She was very excited and as soon as the plane landed in brisbane, she began shouting ''Brisbane Brisbane''

The air hostess being annoyed said '' Please mam , Be silent''

The blonde then shouted ''Risane Risane''

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Happy Endings...

There's a middle aged guy - getting a bit fat and bald now, got a gimpy leg so he's walking with a cane - his wife just gave up trying to get horny and sent him out to find his fun somewhere else.

So he arrives at a brothel he'd heard about - pretty tall, a townhouse, very plain looking outsi...

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Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

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Retiring mail man

So a retiring mail man is making his route on his last day. He has been working the route for 30 years. He receives a few thank you cards, and some small gifts, which really makes him feel appreciated.

As his day is coming to an end, he comes to one of the final houses. As he puts the mail in...

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Did you double check the fuel?

A villager from rural part of India is really excited about taking his first flight to start his new job in America. After saying the traditional goodbyes to the entire village, he gets onto the bus that will take him to the city.

Along the way, the bus runs out of fuel and he has to get out...

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American Businessman's First Visit to Japan

A successful American businessman heads to Japan to meet with a big supplier. Naturally, the Japanese are going to set him up with a good time and loads of entertainment. The first night, they go to Karaoke and a gorgeous young Karaoke hostess is sent back to the man's hotel room to entertain him ...

A young, eager priest is assigned to a new parish...

A young, eager priest is assigned to a new parish, and the local bishop made a point of asking him to visit the elderly and infirm who weren’t able to attend Mass any longer. Wanting to make a good impression, the priest immediately had the parish secretary make him a list and he began to aggressive...

Pretty good for a joke that is a hundred years old.

A bashful cowboy, returning from the plains to civilized society
after an absence of several years, fell desperately in love at first
sight with a pretty young girl whom he met at a party.

On leaving the house that evening the young lady forgot her
overshoes, and the hostess, who had...

One day during a game on the golf course I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,
“Are you okay?"

"I’m fine thanks," I replied.

“My name’s Jack,” I said and introduced myself.

"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and...

There was a young man who was obsessed with tractors as long as he could remember...

When the “World’s Biggest Tractor” was going to be displayed at the county fair, he knew he had to go. He saved up some money, drove to the event, and was first in line to see the tractor up close.

As he was examining the wheels, the tractor ended up lurching forward, pinning his legs as he t...

Stephen King's Sons

When Stephen King’s twin sons were born, he had a hard time coming up with names for them. Finally, after several hours of thinking, he managed to pull a couple out of the air.

“I’ll name the first son Joseph, after my great-grandfather.”“Fine, and what about the other one?” His wife asked....

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A man is waiting for his date to show up...

A nervous man was waiting in the bar area of a nice restaurant for his date to show up. Since it would be the first date he had in a long time, he figured he would show up early and grab a glass of scotch to calm the nerves beforehand. While waiting at the bar, he noticed Bill Gates walk into the ...

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