UPJOKE
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The politician, 1913

He was a young man - a candidate for an agricultural constituency - and he was sketching in glowing color to the audience of rural voters the happy life the laborers would lead under an administration for the propagation of sweetness and light.

"We have not yet three acres and a cow, but it w...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says

"I have two questions: Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Uk...

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

What do you call a female Trump voter?

A trumpet

Why do political parties hate organised crime?

They don't like voter competition.

Why are drunk drivers the best voters?

Because they always hit the poles.

Trump voters

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump voters. Not really knowing what a Trump voter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again. Little John...

So, a Trump voter walks into a bar...

...and sits down right in front of the bartender. The bartender glances up at his hat and goes, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

"What, you have a drink named Dave?"

"No, you idiot, I was talking about a Moscow mule."

How many Trump voters does it take to screw in a lightbulb

One.
Trump voters screw themselves.

An average American voter walks into a bar ...

... and sees Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton huddled together at the end of the bar, whispering to one another. Intrigued, the voter approaches the pair and asks them what they are doing.

"We're planning the 2016 election," brags Trump.

"What's going to be different about it this yea...

How many American voters does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, trump won’t let me count them all.

I like my coffee like I like my voter turn out

Strong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do American voters and cat owners have in common?

Checking a box for a piece of shit.

I'm an undecided voter.

Shoot myself, overdose, or jump off a cliff?

I like my girls how I like my voter turnout

High.


Go vote

What do they call voter manipulation in China?

Gerrymandarin.

Biden has a higher approval rating among female voters than Trump

However it was the Mail voters that won Biden the Election.

Girl to guy: Hey guy, are you a voter?

Cause I'd like you to check my box...

Where does Hillary Clinton eat at to appeal to Asian voters?

Pander Express.

What do you call half of Hillary's voters?

Deportable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Will Mayor Pete’s campaign office be phoning voters

By making Butti calls?

As chosen by voters, Germany's Berlin Zoo named their two newborn pandas "Hong" and "Kong".

Upon hearing the news, China reacted fiercely and decided to withdraw all pandas from every country back to mainland China. It was a logistical nightmare⁠ to bring all the pandas back—it was pandemonium.

Why was the UKIP voter angry?

Because he didn't like the look of the Poles


(for this to make sense, pretend the UK election hasn't happened yet)

I wanna ask Roy Moore voters how they feel about losing such a close race.

Unfortunately, I don’t speak Russian.

Why don't Leave voters go to the cinema?

Because they're unable to see the big picture.

Donald Trump's advisers worry he could lose support from his base, so they suggested he change his hairstyle to better connect with white, rural voters...

...he's going to mullet over.

Saw a headline that started with "45% of Alabama GOP voters think" ...

... and I stopped reading because that part was surprising enough.

How do you drive President Trump crazy?

Tell him you placed evidence of voter fraud in the corner of his office.

Donald Trump has a new slogan that he hopes will help his numbers with African American voters.

"Orange Is The New Black."

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a wasp.

Now, this wasp was no ordinary wasp. No, no, this was an extremely intelligent wasp. He was so smart, in fact, that one day he decided to leave the nest to go to high school. Obviously, this was a big deal for his family, but they supported him in following his dreams, so they packed up his few belo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Internet recipe competition

There was a new competition for people to post their favorite recipes and the prize for the winner was to be featured on the front page of the local newspaper and the town website.

In an effort to save time and effort, the participants were told to submit these recipes online.

People ...

What does a Trump voter in the hood look like?

It’s impossible to know, that’s why they wear them.

A message to all you deceased American voters...

Vote Early, and Vote Often.

Why did so many Republicans vote for Joe Biden this year? (TW: Political, bad taste)

If you’re red, and you fail to take care of your voters during a respiratory virus pandemic...they turn blue.

California legalized marijuana

I guess they had a high voter turnout.

I think I'll vote the NSA for president...

...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"

Trump: "No, the other one."


Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Usin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there are two things Trump voters hate...

The first is being called, "racist."
And the second is black people.

Woohoo! Donald Trump won the presidential election!

As a Clinton voter I'm not happy that he won, just happy that I'm not Mexican

One day, a couple of politicians were on a campaign trail.

They would drive from city to city in a bus to deliver speeches, have debates and answer questions. Then, one day, the bus didn't reach its intended destination at all. A couple of concerned voters decided to inquire as to where they disappeared to. After following the bus's intended path for a whil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tories,

The Tories, with ageing voters and falling membership are worried about being "left behind". Why?

They're already right arses.

If they get left behind as well they can be complete arses.

The great thing about democracy...

....is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid

A Britisher asks an Indian.

A Britisher asked and Indian

Why no politician in India has tested postive for corona?
while lot of politicians around the world even some of the prime minister's tested postive for corona?

Indian: The Politicians in India meet voters only once in 5 years and strictly follow "Social...

Clinton didn't lose the election because of misogyny...

Most of Trump's voters love a strong heroin.

what's black, white, orange and terrifying?

My voters pamphlet.

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