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Voter Jokes

Classic Winston Churchill wit....

These are old and possibly apocryphal, but just in case of the younger redditors haven't heard them:

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”

Churchill: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."


Truman to Churchill on Churchill's replacement as PM, Clem...

Why are drunk drivers the best voters?

Because they always hit the poles.

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says

"I have two questions: Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Uk...

I like my coffee like I like my voter turn out

Strong.

Trump voters

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump voters. Not really knowing what a Trump voter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again. Little John...

I'm an undecided voter.

Shoot myself, overdose, or jump off a cliff?

What do they call voter manipulation in China?

Gerrymandarin.

What do you call half of Hillary's voters?

Deportable

Where does Hillary Clinton eat at to appeal to Asian voters?

Pander Express.

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

An average American voter walks into a bar ...

... and sees Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton huddled together at the end of the bar, whispering to one another. Intrigued, the voter approaches the pair and asks them what they are doing.

"We're planning the 2016 election," brags Trump.

"What's going to be different about it this yea...

I like my girls how I like my voter turnout

High.


Go vote

Kanye West has resorted to voter fraud to try to win this election.

He voted for himself at least 10 times in three different states. The FEC are calling it a triple-double, no assists.

Why was the UKIP voter angry?

Because he didn't like the look of the Poles


(for this to make sense, pretend the UK election hasn't happened yet)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Will Mayor Pete’s campaign office be phoning voters

By making Butti calls?

How many Trump voters does it take to screw in a lightbulb

One.
Trump voters screw themselves.

Biden has a higher approval rating among female voters than Trump

However it was the Mail voters that won Biden the Election.

Why don't Leave voters go to the cinema?

Because they're unable to see the big picture.

Why do political parties hate organised crime?

They don't like voter competition.

So, a Trump voter walks into a bar...

...and sits down right in front of the bartender. The bartender glances up at his hat and goes, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

"What, you have a drink named Dave?"

"No, you idiot, I was talking about a Moscow mule."

As chosen by voters, Germany's Berlin Zoo named their two newborn pandas "Hong" and "Kong".

Upon hearing the news, China reacted fiercely and decided to withdraw all pandas from every country back to mainland China. It was a logistical nightmare⁠ to bring all the pandas back—it was pandemonium.

I think I'll vote the NSA for president...

...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Internet recipe competition

There was a new competition for people to post their favorite recipes and the prize for the winner was to be featured on the front page of the local newspaper and the town website.

In an effort to save time and effort, the participants were told to submit these recipes online.

People ...

How many American voters does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, trump won’t let me count them all.

A reporter asked President Trump if he was concerned that one recent poll had 54% of likely voters casting their ballots for Joe Biden.

The president confidently responded that the other 56% were voting for him.

Saw a headline that started with "45% of Alabama GOP voters think" ...

... and I stopped reading because that part was surprising enough.

California legalized marijuana

I guess they had a high voter turnout.

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time i...

I wanna ask Roy Moore voters how they feel about losing such a close race.

Unfortunately, I don’t speak Russian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tories,

The Tories, with ageing voters and falling membership are worried about being "left behind". Why?

They're already right arses.

If they get left behind as well they can be complete arses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a wasp.

Now, this wasp was no ordinary wasp. No, no, this was an extremely intelligent wasp. He was so smart, in fact, that one day he decided to leave the nest to go to high school. Obviously, this was a big deal for his family, but they supported him in following his dreams, so they packed up his few belo...

What does a Trump voter in the hood look like?

It’s impossible to know, that’s why they wear them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there are two things Trump voters hate...

The first is being called, "racist."
And the second is black people.

How do you drive President Trump crazy?

Tell him you placed evidence of voter fraud in the corner of his office.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"

Trump: "No, the other one."


Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Usin...

Donald Trump has a new slogan that he hopes will help his numbers with African American voters.

"Orange Is The New Black."

Donald Trump's advisers worry he could lose support from his base, so they suggested he change his hairstyle to better connect with white, rural voters...

...he's going to mullet over.

what's black, white, orange and terrifying?

My voters pamphlet.

Clinton didn't lose the election because of misogyny...

Most of Trump's voters love a strong heroin.

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