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I was voted “Least likely to succeed” by my High School class.

I hate my teaching job.

“Me and my fellow wheelchair users are appalled this congress voted down the wheelchair accessibility bill,” the senator exclaimed.

“We will not stand for this.”

Due to increased fuel costs and because electric cars are so expensive, legislators voted today to reintroduce horse and buggy

The vote failed: one yea, 35 neigh

My dentist was voted "Dentist Of The Year"....

He didn't get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque.

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Voted best joke in ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She...

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office?

Erections.

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Loud Mick

SLEEPING WITH MICK

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

Scottish lawmakers recently voted to make menstrual products free

It's about bloody time.

Journalist asked Monica Lewinsky for who she voted?....

"I voted for the Republicans, because after the Democrats, I had a bad taste in my mouth!"

The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs.

It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.

I voted for Jill Stein

Finally I'm part of the 1%

For the fifth year in a row, I was voted as the most inarticulate guy by my colleagues at work.

I can’t tell you what that means to me.

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

I was voted most artistic in Highschool

I was also voted most dyslexic

When I was in high school, I was always voted "Most Secretive".

I can't tell you how much that meant to me.

Last election, I voted for the party with the red colour

I don’t know why, but the blue party was just one of the most unappealing, disgusting political parties I had ever seen, with the weakest leader ever. The policies they presented were going to basically ruin everything I had.



I voted for Justin Trudeau.

Just this week an American astronaut voted from space...

Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight.

Wow I'm shocked for the first time my grandpa voted Democrat!

He never would have done that when he was alive!

The errors 404 and 403 went to vote, 404 voted for Trump.

403 forbidden.

I tried to argue Skyrim was the best game

..but I was down voted to oblivion.

Why did the guy who voted for Trump in 2016 switch sides this time?

Because hindsight is 2020

If a husband and wife that both voted for Trump get divorced...

Are they still considered cousins?

(heard this at the family Thanksgiving get together today, my apologies if it's not new.. And apologies to Trump fans if it's offensive to you, I thought it was funny)

I was voted the worst employee in the nursing home recently.

I don't care.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Old man goes to polling place asking if his wife had already voted.

So the old man approaches the polling official and ask if his wife already voted. They ask for her full name and sure enough, she had already voted. He said Oh darn! She died 6 years ago but she keeps voting on every election and I was hoping to see her once again.

I was told, if I voted for Hillary, they predicted Obamacare would continue and we'd go to war with Syria...

I did, and the predictions came true!

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I often wonder how so many Americans voted for Trump... And then I figured...

They probably all drew a massive cock on their ballot paper.

The local farmer was voted in as mayor of his town.

The community always found him out-standing in his field.

D.C. voted overwhelmingly to be a state.

D.C. voted overwhelmingly to be a state. If congress passes it we only need 2 more states to get to 53 which is a prime number. Then we will truly be one nation, indivisible.

My family voted on whether we should go to a Burmese or Laotian restaurant...

...we ended up in a Thai

What's the difference between people who voted for Trump, and those that didn't?

On average, about $30,000 in student debt.

This was once voted the UK's funniest joke...

A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on!...

There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc...

... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron.

you really have to admire brits who voted to leave

They were so worried about immigrants ruining their economy than they preempted it by doing it themselves.

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I just heard they voted sexiest koala

I hope the votes are coming from other koalas.

I feel they're the only ones that are Koala-fied

(but seriously sexiest koala is a thing)

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