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Voted Jokes

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I was voted “Least likely to Succeed” by my high school class.

I hate being a teacher.

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

I voted for Jill Stein

Finally I'm part of the 1%

My dentist was voted "Dentist Of The Year"....

He didn't get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque.

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How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office?

Erections.

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With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

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Voted best joke in ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She...

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade.

Cons of my high school years: my twin sister and I were homeschooled.

Journalist asked Monica Lewinsky for who she voted?....

"I voted for the Republicans, because after the Democrats, I had a bad taste in my mouth!"

Scottish lawmakers recently voted to make menstrual products free

It's about bloody time.

I was voted most artistic in Highschool

I was also voted most dyslexic

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

D.C. voted overwhelmingly to be a state.

D.C. voted overwhelmingly to be a state. If congress passes it we only need 2 more states to get to 53 which is a prime number. Then we will truly be one nation, indivisible.

This was once voted the UK's funniest joke...

A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on!...

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

Wow I'm shocked for the first time my grandpa voted Democrat!

He never would have done that when he was alive!

If a husband and wife that both voted for Trump get divorced...

Are they still considered cousins?

(heard this at the family Thanksgiving get together today, my apologies if it's not new.. And apologies to Trump fans if it's offensive to you, I thought it was funny)

Just this week an American astronaut voted from space...

Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight.

Last election, I voted for the party with the red colour

I don’t know why, but the blue party was just one of the most unappealing, disgusting political parties I had ever seen, with the weakest leader ever. The policies they presented were going to basically ruin everything I had.



I voted for Justin Trudeau.

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This joke was recently voted best in Finland.

It's a pretty new and modern one, but it's still funny:

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with teams of 8. Both teams trained hard and long. On the day of the competition, both teams thought themselves to be in top condition, but the Japanese wo...

The errors 404 and 403 went to vote, 404 voted for Trump.

403 forbidden.

When I was in high school, I was always voted "Most Secretive".

I can't tell you how much that meant to me.

The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs.

It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just heard they voted sexiest koala

I hope the votes are coming from other koalas.

I feel they're the only ones that are Koala-fied

(but seriously sexiest koala is a thing)

A politician dies...

...and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and he...

I was voted the worst employee in the nursing home recently.

I don't care.

you really have to admire brits who voted to leave

They were so worried about immigrants ruining their economy than they preempted it by doing it themselves.

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

The local farmer was voted in as mayor of his town.

The community always found him out-standing in his field.

Why did the guy who voted for Trump in 2016 switch sides this time?

Because hindsight is 2020

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.

I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

Old man goes to polling place asking if his wife had already voted.

So the old man approaches the polling official and ask if his wife already voted. They ask for her full name and sure enough, she had already voted. He said Oh darn! She died 6 years ago but she keeps voting on every election and I was hoping to see her once again.

I tried to argue Skyrim was the best game

..but I was down voted to oblivion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I often wonder how so many Americans voted for Trump... And then I figured...

They probably all drew a massive cock on their ballot paper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was Gilgamesh voted the Sexiest Man in History?

Women love a man in cuneiform.

What's the difference between people who voted for Trump, and those that didn't?

On average, about $30,000 in student debt.

Vote wisely in November

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.


His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.




"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a...

I was told, if I voted for Hillary, they predicted Obamacare would continue and we'd go to war with Syria...

I did, and the predictions came true!

My Dad voted Republican his entire life.

After he died he voted Democrat

My family voted on whether we should go to a Burmese or Laotian restaurant...

...we ended up in a Thai

What do you call a girl who catches fish?

Anette.

^^^^Just^thought^of^this^i'm^sorry^it's^bad..



Edit: Wow, front page of /r/jokes I finally did it!

Edit 2: Thanks everyone, this is my highest up-voted post ever!

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I heard Monica lewinsky voted for Trump

Just to fuck a Clinton one more time

I voted for Giant Meteor for 2016

Guess I'll just hope for another.

There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc...

... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if someone voted Green Party?

Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.

I asked my blonde friend who she voted for.

She said, "I voted for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton."

I said, "Why on earth would you do that?"

"On the ballot," she replied, "it said 'Vote Both Sides'"

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