UPJOKE
electionvotesurveycanvassvoterelectoralballotexit pollinquirycrownpollardpateupsidetopupper side

Poll Jokes

I recently took a poll and found out

100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed

Poll: Have You Ever Watched Malcom in the Middle?

[YES]





[NO]





[MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW]





[CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION?]

A team of Swedes and a team of Norwegians are hired one day to put up telephone polls...

Their manager explains to them how to drive the poles into the ground, and leaves them to their work while he goes off to attend to other business. At the end of the day, he comes back to see what progress has been made. First, he sees that the Norwegian team has put up 15 poles.

"For a job w...

A man's wife dies young

The funeral is heartbreaking. The poll bearers pick up the casket and are moving through the hallway of the funeral home when the casket hits a corner and opens, the body falling out. Miraculously the woman stands up, alive and well!

40 years later, the wife dies again. The funeral is heartbr...

A poll was taken in California, asking if people thought illegal immigration was a serious problem. 29 percent said, 'Yes, it is a serious problem.'

71 percent said, 'No es un problema serio.'

Why does dyslexic politician polling so poorly?

His first promise is to eliminate texas.

A political party promising free beer are currently third in the polls in Austria...

A tonic wine party was tried in Scotland, but people thought it was a con, with the organisers just trying to make a Buckfast

Something interesting has been revealed by a recent poll.

Many people are swayed by a common opinion.

Trump and Biden tied in a hypothetical 2024 matchup: poll

5% for Biden, 5% for Trump, and 90% said, "God no!".

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect based burgers.

All I’m hearing is crickets!

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

My wife told me she is a poll worker.

I’m just surprised they pay her in all singles.

A recent poll found that just over 40% of Americans consider themselves political pundits.

This is interesting, because the same poll found that just under 15% of Americans know what the word pundit means.

The UN recently published the results of a poll. The topic was: "Please truthfully give your opinion on food shortage in the rest of the world."

Results:

Europeans requested explanation of the term "shortage".

Africans asked what "food" is.

Chinese inquired about the term "opinion".

Americans wondered what "rest of the world" might possibly mean.

And in Italy they are still discussing the meaning of the ter...

I took a poll from all the local strip clubs.

100% of them wants their poles back.

Latest Fox News election poll shows Trump way ahead ...

... in all 87 states.

They took a poll one day about womens’ legs...

Around 6% said they liked fat legs...
Around 3% said they liked skinny legs
The other 91% said they preferred something in between.

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

What do you call the particle that works at a polling station?

An electron

Donald Trump is so far behind in the polls...

....it reminds me of the night he won the Presidency.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cosmopolitan magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never masturbated.

Meanwhile, 29% of men masturbated just reading about the poll.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a Channel 8 poll, men were asked what do they prefer, football or sex ?

Most of them responded , sex , but in halftime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My daughter has decided to become a poll worker this election year...

She decided it sounded better than putting "stripper" on her resume.

I told my husband I knew he was awesome because I took a poll...

And hit people with it until they agreed with me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poll was taken by 2,000 prostitutes asking if they would have sex with Ted Cruz.

91% said ‘Never Again”.

New poll shows that the majority Bernie Sander's supporters like whole milk

But they hate 1%

If you see a flyer on a telephone poll, don't take one of the phome numbers off of it.

It's surely a rip-off.

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

Why did the Bernie supporter show up to the polling station at 8:30 when the polls had already closed at 8:00?

He didn't know he had to vote bi den.

A new poll says 69% of Americans support Medicare-for-All...

...which pales in comparison to the 100% of Americans who support “69 for All”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to a new 2018 opinion poll:

Penises are out and Vaginas are in.

My family did a poll: Should we get grandmother a large deer?

In the end it was a unannymoose decision

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gallup poll asked 100 porn actresses if...

they would be willing to have sex with Donald Trump for money. 10% said yes, 20% said no and 70% said ”no, not again”

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

According to a recent poll 9 out of 10 people have never had Steak Tartare.

Apparently it's very rare.

Why don't the polls like Donald Trump?

Because he wants to send them back to Poland

They polled Britons on their favorite Jane Austen novel

52% prefer Pride & Prejudice to Sense & Sensibility

Undefined values are not useful for opinion polls

0 out of 0 statisticians agree.

Recent polling of Redditors indicates users prefer Paul Bunyan and his animal companion to the current mascot.

Seems you prefer the blue moo in lieu of the Snoo.

Old man goes to polling place asking if his wife had already voted.

So the old man approaches the polling official and ask if his wife already voted. They ask for her full name and sure enough, she had already voted. He said Oh darn! She died 6 years ago but she keeps voting on every election and I was hoping to see her once again.

With the election coming up Tuesday, Exit polls show Donald Trump having a 300 point lead in one state...

Dementia.

With the current outlook on UK exit polls...

It looks like june is the end of May

I was going to vote in the primary, but I got to the polling place late...

....and I just had to sit in my car until my favorite song, "Tom Sawyer," ended.

But by the time I exited the vehicle, it was too late for me to enter the polling place. I'm really frustrated because it's not the first time that has happened to me.

I'm so sick of Rush's interference i...

After viewing the disappointing post-debate polls, Trump asked Kushner how to do better in the following debate.

Jared said,"be positive, spread your positivity, and after all is said and done, try to come across as a patient person"

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.”

Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, “She’s probably right.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

UN Survey

Last month, the UN conducted a global survey:

# "Please give us your honest opinion about a solution to the Food Shortages in the Rest of the World."



The poll turned out, not unexpectedly, to be a huge flop.

Why?



\-In Africa, participants didn't know what ...

A blind answer poll was made to dads everywhere, whether they liked Republicans or Democrats.

The only answer they got back was "Yes."

How did the drag queens decide what kind of sauce base to make?

They took a roux poll

I told my mom I was going to go work the polls.

She replied, "don't forget to wipe it down before you start your set."

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure. The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Swiss did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Trump and a stripper?

Strippers climb polls.

Roy Moor arrived at the polling station on a horse

His assistant misunderstood when Roy said he wanted to ride a 6 Year old bareback

I met this really hot girl while I was working the polls...

ID'd her real good.

According to a recent national poll, American's least favourite colour is...

Brown.

(Poll conducted by the Federal Elections Commission)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a poll on what people do with their off hand when they masturbate

A white guy said he holds the phone he's watching porn on. An Asian guy said he holds the tissue he finishes into. The black guy said "lol, you have an off hand?"

Me - "Arab countries are so backward, there most of married girls can't even vote on Soacial Media polls without asking their husbands."

Friend - "That's not the truth, there is no such law Arab countries"
Me - "But you need to have a guardian permission to sign up into Social Media if you are less than 13 years old"

A poll showed that North Korea is the happiest nation in the world!

100% of citizens reported being happy!

I got a voting booth to decorate my house today

it really polls the room together

A bartender walks into a bar

The bartender says to the bartender

“Welcome to my bar fellow bartender, what can I get you? Some bar food perhaps?”

To which the bartender replied

“I’ll have a steak bar the barbecue sauce.” Said the bartender

The bartender, a little offended that the bartender barred t...

I’m not sure how fast the average horse can run

I think I should conduct a gallop poll.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm planning on starting a strip club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.


I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.


The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".

The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a cunt and an asshole?

According to the latest polls, about 4%.

What do call a haunted ballot box?

A poll-tergeist

Where do polar bears vote?

The North Poll.

A guy is drinking real hard at the bar one night...

even though he promised his wife he won’t because he always gets too drunk. After many drinks he decided it’s time to go. He pays his tab and pushes himself off of the bar stool. He lands face first on the floor. So he pulled himself back up onto the bar stool. After a few minutes and a cup of coffe...

In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter...

Let that sink in...

Old Egyptian joke

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine wether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.


Later that night,...

What’s the most attention grabbing way to advertise a political candidate?

Poll dancing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the stripper know she was the most popular dancer at the club?

She took a poll.

If you're wondering why its taking so long to count votes in Nevada

They hired pole workers instead of poll workers

no Idea why they arrested me...

I just read the sign and complied...

it said:

NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!

Why are strip clubs closed at night on Nov 3rd?

Because that's when the polls close.

Clydesdales are the least trusted of all horses.

So says the most recent Gallop Poll.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of strippers are robbing their old establishment

One turns to the rest and says "So what are we taking?"



"The cash register!" one says,



"The gold decorations!" says another,



Soon the conversation devolves into chaos and yelling,



One turns to the others and says "Alright guys, let's just t...

The U.S. postal services came out with a new Donald Trump stamp. Although they received many complaints that they were defective!

After polling the public on how the stamp is defective, they figured out nothing was wrong with the stamp at all!

The americans were just not spitting on the right side!

They say that coronavirus kills you...

But we polled 25,000 Americans and not a single one had died! Who needs masks?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I suddenly woke up in a world populated by dogs

There were dogs of all different breeds and for some reason most of them were puppies. While I looked around an older dog approached me:

"Welcome." - He said - "I'm Old Dog Bob, and I'm designated to explain things to you..."

What? the dogs could talk?

"...Once every 100 years a...

Taking a survey

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He is approached by a representative from a beer company. "Hi, we're taking a poll about people's drinking habits, do you mind answering a few questions?" she asks. "Not at all, go ahead," the guy replies. "First, how old were you on your last birthday?" she...

President Trump is tough on China!

Every time he reads the Presidential Polls at dinner, he smashes his plates against the wall.

Just had a strange phone survey

They asked:

* How’s the knee feeling?
* Do you prefer shorts or long pants?
* Do you ever get cramps in your calf area?

I interrupted and said, “Hey, this is weird. Why are you asking such strange questions?”

The surveyor laughed and said, “I’m just polling your leg. “

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why dogs sniff each other's bottoms

A long time ago, dogs used to have detachable bottoms. The polite thing to do when they went places was to remove their bottom and hang it up on a hook. Kind of like a hat on a hat-rack.



Now this was a time of prohibition. The local mob boss was running a speakeasy in the basement of...

Honestly, I'm just amazed he managed to pull it off.

When he first ran for president, nobody thought he could do it. When he started gaining in the polls, we all "knew" how it would end. But he showed us we were all wrong.

Congratulations to Barack Obama going eight years without being shot.

Yussuf Swannekamp, mayor of Whistlestop Minnesota, was running for re-election.

Polling showed a dead heat between Swannekamp and his opponent, La Hernia, with 53 votes for each candidate. Swannekamp had to find another vote if he was to stay in office. On the edge of town lived a deranged tree worshipper named Kilmer Boles, who had never voted. So Swannekamp went to the librar...

I told my wife I was going to try to get a job working for Gallup.

She was all for it until I asked her to help me practice by coming to the bedroom and taking a poll.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychology teacher is giving a lecture at a college about how sexual frequency is over rated...

The teacher goes on to exclaim the frequency of couples have sexual relations varies from person to person. He decides to take a short poll to prove his point. He asks, "How many of you have relations each day?" One-quarter of the students raise their hand. Okay, "Now how many of you have relations ...

Which country likes surveys the most?

Poll-land

76% of horses prefer running to walking ...

According to a recent gallop poll.

"Top 10 Most Dangerous Occupations in the US 2017" revealed

High school student in poll position

Are the Polish for or against abductions?

Maybe I should take a poll

My daughter keeps refreshing the latest election results.

And my only goal in life was to keep her off the polls.

Donald Trump Was Right About Two Things

1. That every poll which showed him inevitably losing were incorrect

and

2. That the results were rigged

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do strippers and Hillary Clinton have in common?

They rely too much on polls

Some people say that firefighters need more money,

So a poll was taken, and they all fell through the floor.

If you ever feel like you're bad at your job, remember

At least you don't work in polling

They say Trump isn't appealing to minorities...

...but according to the latest polls, he's winning 100% of the Naive American vote

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.