I recently took a poll and found out

100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed

I'm doing a poll:

Horses.

Yay, or....?

On the Sherrifs Wife’s Death Bed

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened, and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for fr...

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I'm planning on starting a strip club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.


I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.


The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".

The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

Recent polling of Redditors indicates users prefer Paul Bunyan and his animal companion to the current mascot.

Seems you prefer the blue moo in lieu of the Snoo.

I told my husband I knew he was awesome because I took a poll...

And hit people with it until they agreed with me.

If you see a flyer on a telephone poll, don't take one of the phome numbers off of it.

It's surely a rip-off.

A recent poll found that just over 40% of Americans consider themselves political pundits.

This is interesting, because the same poll found that just under 15% of Americans know what the word pundit means.

A guy is drinking real hard at the bar one night...

even though he promised his wife he won’t because he always gets too drunk. After many drinks he decided it’s time to go. He pays his tab and pushes himself off of the bar stool. He lands face first on the floor. So he pulled himself back up onto the bar stool. After a few minutes and a cup of coffe...

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

Donald Trump is so far behind in the polls...

....it reminds me of the night he won the Presidency.

With the election coming up Tuesday, Exit polls show Donald Trump having a 300 point lead in one state...

Dementia.

Taking a survey

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He is approached by a representative from a beer company. "Hi, we're taking a poll about people's drinking habits, do you mind answering a few questions?" she asks. "Not at all, go ahead," the guy replies. "First, how old were you on your last birthday?" she...

A reporter asked President Trump if he was concerned that one recent poll had 54% of likely voters casting their ballots for Joe Biden.

The president confidently responded that the other 56% were voting for him.

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

My wife told me she is a poll worker.

I’m just surprised they pay her in all singles.

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

I don't understand how poll watching is important...

But I'll never say no to watching a pretty woman dance.

After viewing the disappointing post-debate polls, Trump asked Kushner how to do better in the following debate.

Jared said,"be positive, spread your positivity, and after all is said and done, try to come across as a patient person"

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My daughter has decided to become a poll worker this election year...

She decided it sounded better than putting "stripper" on her resume.

What’s the most attention grabbing way to advertise a political candidate?

Poll dancing

A new poll says 69% of Americans support Medicare-for-All...

...which pales in comparison to the 100% of Americans who support “69 for All”

I was going to vote in the primary, but I got to the polling place late...

....and I just had to sit in my car until my favorite song, "Tom Sawyer," ended.

But by the time I exited the vehicle, it was too late for me to enter the polling place. I'm really frustrated because it's not the first time that has happened to me.

I'm so sick of Rush's interference i...

Latest Fox News election poll shows Trump way ahead ...

... in all 87 states.

I took a poll from all the local strip clubs.

100% of them wants their poles back.

According to a recent poll 9 out of 10 people have never had Steak Tartare.

Apparently it's very rare.

Why does dyslexic politician polling so poorly?

His first promise is to eliminate texas.

They took a poll one day about womens’ legs...

Around 6% said they liked fat legs...
Around 3% said they liked skinny legs
The other 91% said they preferred something in between.

Fox News is reporting President Trump's polling at an all-time low....

...with only a 108% approval rating.

My family did a poll: Should we get grandmother a large deer?

In the end it was a unannymoose decision

Old man goes to polling place asking if his wife had already voted.

So the old man approaches the polling official and ask if his wife already voted. They ask for her full name and sure enough, she had already voted. He said Oh darn! She died 6 years ago but she keeps voting on every election and I was hoping to see her once again.

Me - "Arab countries are so backward, there most of married girls can't even vote on Soacial Media polls without asking their husbands."

Friend - "That's not the truth, there is no such law Arab countries"
Me - "But you need to have a guardian permission to sign up into Social Media if you are less than 13 years old"

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure. The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Swiss did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of t...

New poll shows that the majority Bernie Sander's supporters like whole milk

But they hate 1%

Why did the Bernie supporter show up to the polling station at 8:30 when the polls had already closed at 8:00?

He didn't know he had to vote bi den.

In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter...

Let that sink in...

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How did the stripper know she was the most popular dancer at the club?

She took a poll.

no Idea why they arrested me...

I just read the sign and complied...

it said:

NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.

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A Cosmopolitan magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never masturbated.

Meanwhile, 29% of men masturbated just reading about the poll.

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.”

Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, “She’s probably right.”

If you're wondering why its taking so long to count votes in Nevada

They hired pole workers instead of poll workers

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A poll was taken by 2,000 prostitutes asking if they would have sex with Ted Cruz.

91% said ‘Never Again”.

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What do strippers and presidential candidates have in common?

They both go up and down polls

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

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According to a new 2018 opinion poll:

Penises are out and Vaginas are in.

They say that coronavirus kills you...

But we polled 25,000 Americans and not a single one had died! Who needs masks?

A blind answer poll was made to dads everywhere, whether they liked Republicans or Democrats.

The only answer they got back was "Yes."

Old Egyptian joke

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine wether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.


Later that night,...

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Do girls with daddy issues become strippers?

Take the poll and find out.

They polled Britons on their favorite Jane Austen novel

52% prefer Pride & Prejudice to Sense & Sensibility

Why are strip clubs closed at night on Nov 3rd?

Because that's when the polls close.

Why don't the polls like Donald Trump?

Because he wants to send them back to Poland

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A group of strippers are robbing their old establishment

One turns to the rest and says "So what are we taking?"



"The cash register!" one says,



"The gold decorations!" says another,



Soon the conversation devolves into chaos and yelling,



One turns to the others and says "Alright guys, let's just t...

What do call a haunted ballot box?

A poll-tergeist

Undefined values are not useful for opinion polls

0 out of 0 statisticians agree.

I met this really hot girl while I was working the polls...

ID'd her real good.

With the current outlook on UK exit polls...

It looks like june is the end of May

A reporter is interviewing the President of the United States…

WALLACE (Interviewer) But I've got to tell you, if I may, sir, respectfully, in the Fox poll, they asked people, who is more competent? Who's got -- whose mind is sounder? Biden beats you in that.
TRUMP: Well, I'll tell you what, let's take a test. Let's take a test right now. Let's go down, Jo...

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What’s the difference between Trump and a stripper?

Strippers climb polls.

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A husband arrives home at 3 AM

His wife is waiting. Furious.

"Where have you been?"

"Honey I know you wouldn't believe me, but I was at work"

" 'till 3 AM??"

"And since I knew you wouldn't believe me - I brought my boss to explain everything"

In comes the husband's boss:

"Hi, Umm.. yes, ...

The U.S. postal services came out with a new Donald Trump stamp. Although they received many complaints that they were defective!

After polling the public on how the stamp is defective, they figured out nothing was wrong with the stamp at all!

The americans were just not spitting on the right side!

Roy Moor arrived at the polling station on a horse

His assistant misunderstood when Roy said he wanted to ride a 6 Year old bareback

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I took a poll on what people do with their off hand when they masturbate

A white guy said he holds the phone he's watching porn on. An Asian guy said he holds the tissue he finishes into. The black guy said "lol, you have an off hand?"

According to a recent national poll, American's least favourite colour is...

Brown.

(Poll conducted by the Federal Elections Commission)

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

Just had a strange phone survey

They asked:

* How’s the knee feeling?
* Do you prefer shorts or long pants?
* Do you ever get cramps in your calf area?

I interrupted and said, “Hey, this is weird. Why are you asking such strange questions?”

The surveyor laughed and said, “I’m just polling your leg. “

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

I told my mom I was going to go work the polls.

She replied, "don't forget to wipe it down before you start your set."

A poll showed that North Korea is the happiest nation in the world!

100% of citizens reported being happy!

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I suddenly woke up in a world populated by dogs

There were dogs of all different breeds and for some reason most of them were puppies. While I looked around an older dog approached me:

"Welcome." - He said - "I'm Old Dog Bob, and I'm designated to explain things to you..."

What? the dogs could talk?

"...Once every 100 years a...

Clydesdales are the least trusted of all horses.

So says the most recent Gallop Poll.

Honestly, I'm just amazed he managed to pull it off.

When he first ran for president, nobody thought he could do it. When he started gaining in the polls, we all "knew" how it would end. But he showed us we were all wrong.

Congratulations to Barack Obama going eight years without being shot.

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What's the difference between a cunt and an asshole?

According to the latest polls, about 4%.

Where do polar bears vote?

The North Poll.

Once upon a time in ancient Rome...

...There lived 3 very important politicians. Brutus was a schemer, and a very ambitious man. No one trusted him, but everyone worked with him. Julius Caesar was unpopular with the politicians of Rome, but the people loved him. Julius was a consul of Rome. Marc Antony was the third politician in ques...

My daughter keeps refreshing the latest election results.

And my only goal in life was to keep her off the polls.

She was a Corbynite Labour activist, and he was a tenth-generation Tory

But in spite of their political differences, they found each other irresistible, and after a whirlwind romance, they arranged the wedding for a romantic day in the run-up to Christmas.

As it turned out, there was a surprise call for a General Election and their mid-week wedding day coincided ...

I told my wife I was going to try to get a job working for Gallup.

She was all for it until I asked her to help me practice by coming to the bedroom and taking a poll.

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Nine months into his presidency...

Nine months into his presidency Donald Trump asked his advisors to poll the American people to find out what they thought America would be like by the next election.

After a few weeks fact finding the advisors returned with an answer. They said “Mr President, there are two prevailing views t...

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A man holding a monkey walks into a bar .

He sits on a stool and asks for a drink, the bartender is a bit surprised to see someone with a monkey, but leaves him be.

Mid drink the monkey jumps to a table nearby and starts eating stuff, first some peanuts, then a sip of beer, the bartender starts to say something, but the man instantly...

Donald Trump has an open position in his cabinet ...

Donald Trump has an open position in his cabinet. There are 3 candidates. A lobbyist, a campaign contributor, and a Mexican. He interviews them one after another.

The lobbyist he asks: What is 1 + 3?

The lobbyist: Puh, that's a hard question, but my cooperation allows me to pay you 50...

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Donald Trump goes to the doctor...

He says, "Listen doc, i get erections. I get the best erections, they're yuuuuuge, call Sean Hannity, he'll tell you. I'm having issues in the bedroom, presidential bedroom, and I'm falling flat, unlike my poll numbers. Can I get some Viagra?"

The Dr replies, "No, but I can offer you some exe...

Hillary, Trump, and Cruz walk into a bar

Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and Ted Cruz walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Hillary tells the bartender: "Good evening, my man! Pour me a drink, I'm tired and thirsty from all the campaigning."

Donald Trump then says: "Merry Christmas! I want a drink too."

He then looks clos...

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Internet recipe competition

There was a new competition for people to post their favorite recipes and the prize for the winner was to be featured on the front page of the local newspaper and the town website.

In an effort to save time and effort, the participants were told to submit these recipes online.

People ...

76% of horses prefer running to walking ...

According to a recent gallop poll.

"Top 10 Most Dangerous Occupations in the US 2017" revealed

High school student in poll position

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What do strippers and Hillary Clinton have in common?

They rely too much on polls

Use Your Lifeline...

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) t...

Which country likes surveys the most?

Poll-land

Donald Trump Was Right About Two Things

1. That every poll which showed him inevitably losing were incorrect

and

2. That the results were rigged

CNN is like a strip club...

They keep dancing around all the polls.

They say Trump isn't appealing to minorities...

...but according to the latest polls, he's winning 100% of the Naive American vote

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