Whenever I hire people, I throw half of the applications in the trash can.

I don't want any unlucky people working for me.

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I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

What's the difference between the trash can in the Houston Astros dugout and me?

That trash can is getting banged

What do you call it when a light bulb is falling into a trash can?

It’s in-can-descent

Humans and trash cans are very similar

If you stomp the foot, the mouth opens!

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I have a trash can fetish

My wet dreams are fucking garbage

What do Kardashians and trash cans have in common?

They both contain a lot of plastic.

Trash cans are all vigilantes

They keep our streets clean when others won't.

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What did the trash can say to the diaper?

I’m fed up of this shit

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So my grandad was stumbling through the house after the power went out, looking for a snack of leftover chicken in the fridge, tripped over a trash can and yelled "Aaaargh!" as he fell.

Which came first, the shitcan or the aaargh?

Last October, I was walking through the cemetery.

I came across a trash can where someone had thrown out their Kraft Halloween monster themed mac and cheese...

It was the mac.

It was the monster mac.

the monster mac

was in the graveyard trash.



Thanks mom for this more obscure one

Little Johnny

The teacher growls at Little Johnny, “Is that bubble gum in your mouth?! In the trash can! Right now!”
-

Little Johnny, “The bubble gum too?”

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

What's worse than finding 2 babies in a trash can?

Finding 1 baby in two trash cans.

Why are there only two pallbearers at a politician's funeral?

There are only 2 handles on a trash can

Two guys walk into a bar...

The third guy ducks.


(I know this joke is mediocre at best, but I found it on a post-it note stuck a trash can on my college campus a few days ago and felt obligated to share it.)

House Call

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him. At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listene...

A man was walking home one night.

A young man was walking home one night. The street was pitch black. As he passed the gates of a small cemetery, he felt as if he was being followed. Suddenly, he heard a bump behind him. Afraid to look back, he increased his pace.

Bump, bump, bump.

The bumping behind him continued, ge...

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How to make macaroni and cheese

Boil a pot of water, put pasta in water and wait until soft.

Drain water from pasta.

Go into trash can to retrieve box because you forgot how much butter to add

add butter and mix

go back into trash to retrieve box because you forgot how much milk to add

add milk a...

An Archery joke

When I was a security guard I had to make sure people didn't dig in the trash cans. You know, to keep them from falling in or getting their hands stuck in the lid. Well one day this old gentleman was looking through a can, where he had his arm in the trash can all the
way to the shoulder.
...

What Do You Call a Broken Dumpster?

A Trash Can't.

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The pastor's first mass

The young pastor was so nervous before his first mass that he could not speak a word. He asks the bishop for advice, and he tells him to pour two drops of vodka in a glass of water and drink it.

The young pastor does as advised and immediately felt so good that nothing could stop him.
<...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician

An engineer wakes up in the middle of the night and sees that there is a fire in the hallway. He fills a trash can with water and throws it on the fire.

A physicist wakes up in the middle of the night and sees that there is a fire in the hallway. He fills a trash can with the exact amount of ...

The last week or two I've been really obsessed with mixing things.

The last week of two I've been really obsessed with mixing things. I've been mixing anything and everything I can find, from pasta and sauce to the garbage in the trash can and the clothes in my drawer.


The weirdest thing is that when I start mixing something I have a hard time stopping! ...

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The Man and the IRS

So an older gentleman received a phone call by the IRS, being notified about large sums of money going in and out of his account. He was told to be at the office first thing Monday morning. He thought to himself “Well if this is what I think it is, I better lawyer up.”

Sure enough he got a la...

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An old gambler was called by the irs and told he owed $5000

So the old man went to see the irs agent with his lawyer. The reason he owed so much was too much money was moving between his accounts. He told the agent he was a gambling man and that’s why he moved money around so much. He asked the agent “are you a gambling man?cause I am. “ the agent said “yeah...

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One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?"

He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?"
Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

A wise old gentleman retired...

...and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every...

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A man got in trouble with the IRS

A man got in trouble with the IRS, because he had too much unexplained money in his bank account. So he called his lawyer and said he'd pick him up on the way to the IRS. When they enter the office, the agent says, "Sir, I'm afraid you're gonna have to explain how you have so much money in your acco...

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Old man

An 80 year old man gets a letter from the IRS saying to call their office as soon as possible. The old man picked up the phone and called the IRS and an agent says that he noticed some irregularities with his money where there was a large amount of funds going in and out of his account and he needs ...

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A man was eating a bright, red apple.

It was on a warm, sunny day that the most peculiar of things occurred. A man, was happily snacking on a bright, red apple when, too lazy to walk to a trash can, he threw it out the window. A seemingly non-problematic apple would have been ignored under any other circumstances, but the man lived on t...

A man and an auditor...

A man went into an auditor’s office with his lawyer and sat down.

“It says here you get all your money from gambling?” The auditor said with a suspicious look.

“Yes,” the man said. “I am a fairly good gambler.”

The man then told the auditor that he would bet him $1000 dollars th...

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I'm 17 and I like to write jokes in my spare time. Thought reddit might like to hear some.

I think blonde jokes are awful. I mean, the poor things don't even understand them.

So I got this pair of shoes that cost me an arm and a leg. Luckily, my mom still pays for everything.

Statistics have shown that 9 out of 11 people are offended by this joke.

I've yet to be dispr...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel for a convention.

A fire breaks out in each of their trash cans at the same time during the night.

The engineer wakes up, dumps water onto the fire until its out, then a little more to make sure it stays out, and goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up, grabs his notepad, calculates the amount of water...

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There are three naked men outside a Halloween party.

The one guideline to enter the party was that the person trying to get in must have a costume. Near the Halloween party, there was a trash can. None of the men had costumes, obviously, so they agreed to search through the trash can to look for anything to wear as a costume.

The first man foun...

If Mac users care more about the environment more than Windows users

Then why do Macs have a trash can and Windows has a recycling bin?

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An old man is sitting on the couch watching TV until he gets a phone call...

The man says, “Hello sir, This is Bill from the IRS, we need you to come in at 9am tomorrow to discuss some large amounts of money coming into your account.”

“Ok, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you, see you tomorrow.”

The old man thought to himself, “I probably need a lawyer, huh?”...

So there was this old man who lived by himself.

His bank saw huge amounts of money being withdrawn and deposited from his account, so they called him and they scheduled an appointment for 10:00 a.m. the next morning. Just in case, the old man hired a lawyer.

So the next morning the old man wakes up and goes to the bank at 10:00 for the app...

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Tax Man (long)

One morning, a man got a call from the IRS.

IRS Agent: "Mr. Smith, we have noticed some large discrepancies on your account. We would like for you to come down to our office so that we can clear this issue up."

Mr Smith: "Gee, that sounds like a big deal. Should I bring a lawyer?"
...

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An old man and his lawyer have a meeting with an IRS agent.

They sit down in his office as the agent pulls out the man's tax records. "it says that the majority of your income is made by gambling, how do you manage that?". The man replies "I'll show you; I will bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eyeball." The agent thinks a minute and then agrees to the be...

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Old man and the IRS

Grandpa gets an audit letter in the mail and shows up to his appointment at the IRS building with his lawyer. They enter the room, sit down, and the IRS agent starts to question them.

>*IRS Agent*: "**Well, sir, we think it is a little odd that you have no official income, but are able to...

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A man and his lawyer walk into a bank...

The man dumps out over $300,000 on the table to be deposited in a new account. Stunned, the banker asks, "how did you get all this money?". "well, I like to make bets" says the man. For example, I'll bet you $10,000 I can lick my own eyeball. Thinking that it is impossible, the banker accepts the...

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A professional gambler is being audited by the IRS

The old gambler man walks into the meeting with his lawyer. The IRS agent tells him he can't make all these write offs for gambling loses unless he can prove he is a professional gambler.

The old man says "alright, how about I bet you $10,000 I can bite my eye".

The agent thinks 'the...

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David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.

He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"

David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"

Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to h...

My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.

One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.

That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his arm...

That half man, half horse...

Did you hear about the half man, half horse causing a ruckus downtown last night? He was kicking over trash cans, yelling at people, just going crazy. The cops finally showed up, calmed him down, and asked "Why are you doing this?" Apparently he wanted to be the centaur of attention.

The Physics department in a university submits a request for an expensive piece of equipment

The university president is not pleased. "You people in the Physics Department always ask for money. You always need costly technologies. Why can't you be more like the Mathematics department? All they need is paper, pens, and trash cans. Or even better, like the Philosophy department, they need onl...

A man was driving his car around town when he notices a young kid playing with trashbags:

He would reflect for a moment, analyze the distance between him and the trash can and make the shot — flawless execution.
He repeated that another three or four times before he got himself even more distance from his target, overflowing with confidence the kid jumped and shot the trashbag which m...

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The Jar in the Bar

So a man goes out to meet his buddies at a new bar. When he arrives, the first thing he sees is a giant glass jar in the far corner of the room, 7 feet by 6 feet, packed to the brim with $10 bills.

He sits down and asks his buddies, "What's with the jar?"
"No idea" responds his friend, s...

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Old farmer (NFSW)

One day the farmer was goimg through his mail and seen a letter from the IRS. It said they had to call the office as soon as he can. So the farmer called the local IRS agency. The IRS agent answered and said, "Hello Mr. Johnson. We would like to discuss the large transactions going in and out of you...

My friend made a joke and wants to know if it's good. Let me know what you think

There is two doctors one old and one young, and the old doctor is teaching the younger doctor about house calls, they go to the first house and the old doctors like I’ll teach you how it’s done, and he asks the woman “what’s wrong?” And the woman replies “I’ve been full and not that hungry much”. Th...

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A blonde, ginger, and brunette escape from prison

and the police are chasing after them. The three women decide to hide and find a secluded alley to hide in. The brunette hides inside of a trash can, the ginger inside of a cardboard box, and the blonde inside of a potato sack. The police find the secluded and kick the things that are laying around,...

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