My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...
It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!
Obama, Trump, and Bush were tossing around a football
On one pass, Trump throws the ball too far and it gets punctured on top of the White House fence.
Bush and Obama yell at Trump, saying he always manages to lose or destroy the football.
After a few minutes of angry stares, a Secret Service agent goes to Trump. He gives him another foo...
So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...
The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...
A man was watching TV and tossing peanuts in the air and eating them.
His wife calls him and he turns his head while eating one and it goes into his ear.
They try in vain to take it out when their daughter comes home with her boyfriend after a date.
The boyfriend says he can help and puts two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow hard an...
A guy is tossing peanuts in the air...
A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth and his wife asks him a question. He turns to answer her question and the peanut he just tossed lands in his ear and gets stuck.
He and his wife spend a short period of time trying to get it out and decide maybe they should...
A Knife Juggler
A man was pulled over by a police officer.
As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"
Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...
I found this big hammer laying around in Norway so I've been tossing it around.
Boy am I Thor.
A tale of <insert dumb people>.
Pick whichever dumb people group you like, I'll just call them Pakleds (bonus points if you get the reference).
‐‐-----------
Two Pakleds are building a house, each taking one side and nailing panels to the framework. After a while the first Pakled goes to check on the second Pakled. T...
A deranged man was tossing a brick off of the interstate overpass
He had the brick tied to a rope which he was using to toss at cars, then reel back in, to toss at more cars.
Police surrounded him, telling him to drop the brick. As they started moving in, he tossed the brick again, aiming right at a semi.
The brick crashed through the windshield, ca...
There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..
Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.
Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...
Sarah and Isaac were lying in bed one night. Isaac was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Sarah asks him "Isaac, Isaac, why do you fret so? " to which Isaac replies "Oy vey, Sarah, you know that 20 kopeks I owe Ishmael across the way? Well, I have no idea how I will repay him!"
Sarah nods her head, gets out of bed, throws open the window and yells for Ishmael "Ishmael! Ishmael! Wake up!" Ishmael opens the window and cries "Sarah, what is the matter? It is the middle of the night!" Sarah replies "Ishmael, you know that 20 kopeks my husband owes you?" He replie...
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.
“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and ...
A couple of banjo jokes
Q: What's perfect pitch?
A: Tossing a banjo into a dumpster and not hitting the sides.
Q: What's the difference between a busload of banjo players and a busload of frogs?
A: More likely than not, the busload of frogs is going to a gig.
Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”
A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”
Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out ...
Jack, a renown atheist, dies...
... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.
Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"
Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...
Peanut in the ear
Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.
The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.
He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.
...
A couple not-so-bright carpenters are framing a house.
Worker A notices worker B is wasting a lot of nails. He’ll pull one out, hammer it in, pull another and toss it, toss another, then hammer one in. And this goes on for a bit.
Worker A says to worker B, “hey, how come you keep tossing dem nails?”
Worker B responds, “they’re defective;...
I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad
>!I was tossing all night!<
Another blonde joke
A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. Sh...
The Two Drunkards
Two drunkards are from their usual drinking spree on their way home when they spot a mango fruit up the tree, they start tossing stones at the fruit to fell it, after what seems like a life time missing the target, one says to the other, ''Maybe it is not even ripe, let me scale up the tree and take...
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